Unhappy that my husband has booked our holiday for next 18 months without consulting me

[CHE1982]

My husband loves old, architecturally interesting buildings. The Landmark Trust is therefore his go-to place for family holidays. So far, we've been on about 15 of them. They are popular, and so they book up quickly. But he told me the other day (our wedding anniversary in fact...) that he's booked 5 holidays up to the end of 2023, all at Landmark properties! I don't have a long list of other places to go to, but I find it so depressing and formulaic that these are the only places we visit. Plus, they are not necessarily in great locations - it is about the building rather than the location - so you end up pottering around a relatively unremarkable part of the UK. I enjoy a few creature comforts on holiday - embarrassed to say I quite like a washing machine! The children get covered in mud and I spend my holiday hand washing their clothes at a Landmark.... The cooking facilities are ok, but we seem to spend every holiday not eating out either - so I am cooking all holiday too. And then there are no soft carpets or luxurious blankets - a Landmark holiday is the kind when you need to remember to take your thermals and slippers :-) I think I am supposed to be grateful that my husband has organised our holidays and that is one less admin job to think about. But the truth is, I find it demoralising and depressing and holidays end up being the last thing I am looking for to..! AIBU? And any ideas for holidays that will interest my husband and children (8yo and 6yo)??

He's being unreasonable - but Landmarks can work with kids. Loads of space to run around, nice solid furniture and not too many breakable things. The one near Margate is very child friendly for example.

This would hugely piss me off. I absolutely LOVE old buildings and history, but not even being given the chance to discuss where to go is so dismissive of you and your opinion - like you don't matter.

OP - there is no reason you can't combine the historical aspect with some creature comforts and relaxation. Maybe even some sun! Just as an example, I am going to Malta this October half term (plus the week before). We're going for a friend's wedding primarily, but having looked into it there are so many sites of historical interest - a Roman amphitheatre and ruins, catacombs, stone circles, loads of amazing temples. It's set us back about £700 for two adults for two weeks including flights and our own private apartment. The apartment sleeps four so the only additional cost would be the kids' flights. It's meant to be 27 degrees on average the whole time, so still swimming weather with lots of beautiful beaches to explore as well as lovely old towns and villages.

Malta is obviously just one example but there are so many others out there! I am a fan of UK holidays too (mainly in the summer...), but the choice isn't just 'cultural, historic UK break' vs 'cheapo sun sea and sangria in a rowdy all inclusive'

You can afford to book FIVE holidays in advance?

I'm not sure whether to applaud you or call you an idiot for not raising this after he booked holiday #4.

Does he help with cooking/cleaning at home? If not, you have a much bigger problem on your hands.

And stop doing everything at home that the nanny doesn't do. Those leftover things are his things too, the DC are not your hobby. Then you might have time to look for a holiday.

agree with poster above - the Grange in Ramsgate, which is by Pugin, would be one of the better bets for a family break. I've been there - it has a large enclosed garden for running around in; kitchen is pretty OK; and you can walk along the seashore to Broadstairs (ice cream at Morellis) and plenty of beach and activities.

Fuck me I like old buildings and gardens at least as much as the next person but this is madness.
holidays are booked after a conversation between you, not a unilateral 5 property booking.
he must know this is not normal right?

I’d rather stay at home.

The Grange which does have washing machine and dishwasher
On the 'ones to avoid' front with a family - Astley Castle is lovely and amazingly refurbished but you are essentially holidaying just outside Coventry (apologies to those living there). Bromfield Priory Gatehouse has terrible bathroom arrangements, but good access to excellent restaurants in Ludlow.

You do all the washing and cooking on his hobby holidays?! You're enabling a useless man. This is 2022 not the dark ages...

Your husband sounds like my dream holiday parter - I would love to only stay at landmark trust properties! But he’s totally wrong for booking and not consulting you and also, why’s it down to you to do the domestic work on holidays - surely that’s shared?!

I obviously spend too much time on Mumsnet/FB/similar too! And booking Landmarks is not time-consuming whereas hunting for other holidays to suit the whole family is...

This part of your post really sticks out to me. Whether you're consciously doing it or not, you're placing your leisure time under his looking for a holiday - even though, he is literally only looking for a holiday to completely please himself!

This is supremely selfish, and I'd be quite upset that he'd done this. But then, if I'm truly honest with you, the first time this happened and I ended up doing all the boring home stuff but without the benefit of a washing machine or dishwasher I would have said that it wasn't happening again without him severely bucking his ideas up in terms of sharing the load, and it wouldn't be happening multiple times instead of an actual holiday for me. No wonder he loves them if his responsibility begins and ends at sourcing a location and paying for it.

I had a slightly similar situation a few years ago. I basically said if he booked that sort of holiday again I wasn't going and made him research somewhere that worked for all of us and then agree it with me. We ended up at Bedruthen Steps which isn't pretty but was very well set up for primary school aged DC and there was lots to do in the area from Tintagel Castle to surfing.

Well I would 'ditto' him and book five holidays you want to go on 😉

Bookings can be cancelled! Tell him to crack on with it.

If you've been to 15 of these, I guess you must like them too? Obviously just not all the time - and certainly not with small kids and left to do the housework!!
Could you reduce the number of days at them to four instead of a week, so you'd not need to think about laundry and make it a condition of going that he sorts out all the meals? And yes, cancel some of them!!
For a compromise, there are lots of places that are both interesting to stay at AND have lots of interesting things to do nearby. And even have washing machines ... eg - www.irishlandmark.com/property/magherintemple-lodge/

we are both busy working full time and I just don't get time to look for holidays, and so he does think its better to have something booked than nothing at all

My husband and I both work full time, but I can find time to book a holiday 🙄

Book out an evening for yourself to dedicate to it if you need to.

Also you haven't voiced how much you hate the cooking?

It's all sounding very passive.

What would happen if you told your husband the truth?

Going forwards I’d book what you and children would like. He obviously doesn’t care about finding something to suit all 4 of you.

I’m with @2bazookas, a politely stated declaration that OP will not be

shopping
cooking
washing
cleaning

for the family as it is her holiday too, a break from the everyday & mundane obligations of family life.

Were MrOP smart enough to open negotiations on those terms with proof of a fully-paid for (no refund) week minimum at ClubMed village or equivalent of OP’s preference, then I’d say fair play.

Discounted bookings now, just saying: www.clubmed.co.uk/l/family-holidays

Unhappy ???

I would be ropeable.

Why a selfish man. And why on earth do you do all the washing and cooking on these holidays exactly?

You do everything? He books holidays you don't want to go on without even mentioning it to you and you just go along with it?

Why?

Are we sure this isn't a secret advertisement for the Landmark Trust? I'd always thought they were impossibly expensive but I've just been for a nosy and some of them are quite affordable. There look to be loads where our (now adult) sons would've loved to stay aged 6-8-ish, with plenty to do round about - especially walking etc. They look lovely - having said that I don't think I've ever used a washing machine on holiday (wouldn't you take enough clothes in the car?) and where we've self catered I can't imagine not sharing the cooking and chores.

Washing machine & dryer in situ essential for family holidays.
Not every family has a car.
Travelling with minimal luggage on plane/rail/bus is BAU for many.

What a selfish twat!! I'd be telling him to get them cancelled , or go through and agree 1 together.
Have you been clear about how you feel about these holidays? Did he think you lived them?
Even if he did, I suppose I'd object strongly to no consultation
Get a holiday booked for you and the family 👪

From reading the first bit of your post I assumed you were a couple who were kid free.
I’m shocked and amazed he thinks these are appropriate for 2 youngish children.