To not want MIL to take baby a set day each week

[Mitzymarvel]

DD is not even two months old yet and already MIL is pushing me to commit to a set day per week when she can take the baby.

Currently DD is mainly breastfed but I top her up with a bit of formula. MIL suggests she just has formula on the days she takes her, or I can try to pump enough breast milk.

I know she is keen to have a close relationship with her GD but I just don’t feel comfortable being apart from the baby for a whole day a week. MIL wants this to become an overnight visit as soon as possible but understands DD is too young at the moment.

I just want to say no to the whole thing (in fact even when DD is old enough I don’t want her to be elsewhere for an overnight every week) but DH feels in an awkward position as he doesn’t want to upset his mum, so says I should just go with it and enjoy having a break.

I can hold her off for a little while but not long. What should I do?

noone seems to want that on mumsnet!!

if a husband ever suggests it, it’s just cos he wants sex apparently

Horrible mils exist.

Horrible dils exist.

Most people are hopefully sensible enough to find a way of rubbing along as a family who care about each other

I don’t think this is true.

Because all you’re doing (for those mums who will absolutely martyr themselves at the altar of Motherhood) is give them a single day to ‘get everything done’. They’ll still not wash their hair and not eat anything when the baby is with them.

I know this because I have always been a strong advocate for sensible parenting that doesn’t allow the (in particular) mother to sacrifice everything in order to do the best for her baby. I made sure to have time to myself, I made sure to take care of myself. Sometimes that meant my babies spent time in a bouncy chair in the bathroom while I showered, or with CBeebies on while I dried my hair and put on some make up.

Theres nothing ‘wrong’ with being apart from your baby. But there’s also nothing wrong in saying you’re not ready for that just yet. OP is lucky she has the choice and doesn’t live somewhere where she has no maternity leave and has already had to go back to work.

THIS!!! You are your babies voice.

You seem to be misunderstanding.

It doesn’t matter what I think, it doesn’t matter what you think. The only thing that is important is how the OP feels. And she is not comfortable with MIL having her daughter overnight on a set day each week.

You’re the one trying to force your idea of what is normal.

You’re right, though. The OP is entitled. Entitled to make decisions for her own child.

@Hungrycaterpillarsmummy

Wasn't meant to be patronising. I only see benefits to it.

Interesting that was the 'patronising" comment you picked up on.

I don't think it has to be so back and white as some replies your getting.
Number 1, it's up to you when you feel comfortable and for how long and when they are very small that might change week to week so hard to commit.
But also I think MIL is just trying to be involved and help. Maybe try to explain you just don't want to leave them yet but when your ready you will let her know and deal with how often then.
Bottom line is it is your baby and it needs to work for you but a close relationship and family help is so valuable. I have had lots of offers but have only left my 6 month old for a few hours at a time on a handful of occasions. I just say I miss him and don't want to go too long between feeds because I cba pumping when there is no need. All completely true.

What I have found useful with PILs is my husband sometimes goes round to thier house without me for the evening with the baby. It gives me a rest, them chance to spend time with him and my husband an extra pair of hands.
I also make sure I visit family lots and let them have time with him. They are definitely bonding without babysitting.

My MIL was like this when DD was born. It was with a good heart and just because she was so excited to be a grandparent but I found it extremely overwhelming like you do. I didn't want to upset so just kept saying that she needs me for comfort and milk so not yet.. Same for overnight, we were in a rhythm, she was breastfed and I also needed to feed her to relieve my discomfort. I did not want to have to pump when there was no need. She took her out for occasional walks from around 3/4 months but no more and did not stay overnight until after 1 year.

I am so glad I was not rude about it and just kept gently letting her down as her help has been absolutely invaluable as DD got older. We don't see eye to eye on everything but she has the most amazing bond with her grandchildren and happily helps us out whenever we need to. There is mutual respect and it makes life so much better all round

If there is no backstory to this, your relationship has otherwise been fine, just let her down gently. There is no need to be aggressive about it. I find MN to be very hostile towards IL in general (sometimes with good reason but often just because they can)

I’m not saying it is. I’m saying you don’t know what a person is going through so you should trust her to make a decision that she is comfortable with, in her own time.
I love my MIL and I love her spending time with my children.

My eldest is nearly 3 and goes to my mum once a week for the day whilst I work. She has not had a sleepover anywhere yet, I've just told everyone that I'm not ready yet and I don't think it's necessary until she's older. Could you let her have a couple hours a week for now and just explain you aren't ready for overnight stays yet and it isn't something you want to think about yet?

@AlmostSummer21

I get paid

Ffs

🤣

Folk on mn really don't know how to cope with a differing point of view huh?

Also, where are these followers?

Could put them to use

I haven't read all your comments..

Just say no. Tell her you really love being with DD everyday and do not want to have a day without her when you don’t have to. Tell
her that you have zero intention of feeding formula or pumping when you do not need to.

Tell her that you can see how much she loves DD and she is welcome to visit, and when DD is older you are sure they’ll have lots of lovely times together, but DD’s needs are the priority and while she is a newborn DD’s needs are best met by you.

(If pushed, tell her DD is your child and her you won’t be loaning her out like some kind of entertainment.)

@Headsshoulderskneesandtoess

Isn't the point of posting to get a variety of opinions?

Is that where I'm going wrong?

Are people ever allowed to disagree with the op or other posters?

@Hungrycaterpillarsmummy

🤣

Too funny.

Just say no and don’t say ‘when she’s a bit older’. Ridiculous request by MIL. Don’t be bullied into it. If you want to let her take the baby occasionally for a break at some future point, that’s fine, but on your terms.

Firstly, Breastmilk is enough for your baby. She doesn’t need formula top ups.

Secondly, learn to say no and mean it. Be assertive about it. If you’re not comfortable with it, that’s okay. And you don’t ever have to be, at any age.

Totally unreasonable for you MIL to expect this, she had had her babies. Just say no.

What is it with MIL wanting to take over a mother's role. You are your baby primary care person, you are her food, comfort and her safe place. Your baby is happiest with mum and let MIL get over herself.

If in the future - when it suits you then she can help out but not until you are comfortable handing your baby over. First port of call is a very serious calm word with your DH and explain to him about fourth trimester and bonding.

Every mother is different - I never felt MIL really had the same approach to children - e.g. she and her daughter slapped toddlers. I told her if she ever laid one single hand on my child on another child in my presence, I would do time for my response.

I will offer a hand any time in the future to my children should they be parents. Completely as to how/when it works for them. Simple things like taking them for a local walk while mum sleeps etc - whatever supports the mum and dad as that is what a good nanny/granny does.

Of course it is (on both counts). I’m simply sharing my experience.

Yep, say no, there is no way in the world this is the best thing for the baby at the moment, and it’s actually a massive PITA to pump breast milk- not fun at all and you do risk things like supply issues/ mastitis at worst. Plus you need to establish clear boundaries now and make sure she respects you, otherwise you’re just storing up problems longer term.

You tell DH , MIL's demand is not going to happen during breastfeeding stage , end of. And it's up to him to break the news to his mother.

IF she plays her cards right then when you and DC are ready, MIL will be able to spend more time with DC. But that's in the future.

A good Grandparent relationship is a treasure to any child for decades, so cultivate it; but ON YOUR TERMS at this stage of DC's babyhood.

I felt pressured to leave my then 4 month old DD with my MIL for the day. Little did I know my DD was very upset/unsettled all day (I wish she'd called me!). I felt absolutely awful & have declined to ever do it again.

DH feels in an awkward position as he doesn’t want to upset his mum, so says I should just go with it and enjoy having a break

I don't imagine you felt fabulously comfortable pushing a baby out but as parents we have to grow up and parent. His key job right now is to support you in feeding and caring for your child.

This nonsense about fair sharesies as if the baby is some kind of pie is ridiculous. Ditto "it worked for me so it must work for you" arguments.

If you wanted a day off a week and were lucky enough to be able to pump without pain or discomfort the following day, plus enough for a days bottles, plus a baby which is happy to have both bottles and breast at this age then good luck to you.

Until that point comes DH's job is to facilitate the relationship in other ways (but if she comes over every day it sounds like that isn't needed). Its a baby with its own needs, not a dress up doll.

The point might come when a day with MiL works for everyone - that is the time to do it, not before and not by being pushed into it.