To not want MIL to take baby a set day each week

[Mitzymarvel]

DD is not even two months old yet and already MIL is pushing me to commit to a set day per week when she can take the baby.

Currently DD is mainly breastfed but I top her up with a bit of formula. MIL suggests she just has formula on the days she takes her, or I can try to pump enough breast milk.

I know she is keen to have a close relationship with her GD but I just don’t feel comfortable being apart from the baby for a whole day a week. MIL wants this to become an overnight visit as soon as possible but understands DD is too young at the moment.

I just want to say no to the whole thing (in fact even when DD is old enough I don’t want her to be elsewhere for an overnight every week) but DH feels in an awkward position as he doesn’t want to upset his mum, so says I should just go with it and enjoy having a break.

I can hold her off for a little while but not long. What should I do?

Not the same here either and it's certainly not a shame

@Cigarettesaftersex1

Everyone's different

The families I know benefit massively from being this way.

Works for us.

🤷‍♀️

Just tell her No!! Say she's your baby and still on the 4th trimester and it's not fair if her or you to be separated! And why should you have to let her give your baby formula when she can be with you and have mummy's milk thst is specially made for her. Just say to her and your husband you ate nit comfortable with it and you and your babies feelings take priority over his mother's who has already had her children! She can visit the baby at yours and if that's not food enough tough shit!! Why does she need to have her on her own for?!!

what @JenniferBarkley said. Definitely said 'firmly' though. There can be no wiggle room otherwise she'll constantly be asking. Good luck and enjoy your lovely baby!

@Topgub

Your posts are contradictory.

On the one hand, you say:

Will you expect her to watch her when you feel like it?
**
How entitled to say no but then say OK when it suits me

And then you say:

Spending time with the kids while giving the parents a much needed break.

I don’t understand. Your state that the OP asking her MIL to look after her child when it suits her (i.e. when the OP needs a break) is entitled. Yet you say that the benefit of children spending time with their extended family gives the parents a much needed break.

So, which is it? Is it entitled or not?

Does the OP get to decide when she needs a break, or is that to be dictated by the MIL too?

2 months is still very tiny but I would be careful not to close the door on this too firmly as you don’t know how you’ll feel in a few months. My baby is 8 months and I’d absolutely jump at the opportunity to have a family member take him once a week so I could get on with my own things for a precious day!

Let her know you’re not ready and when you are ready you will let her know - this might be in a few months or it might be longer.

If you do want her helping out when you go back to work, it would be nice to let her start having some quality solo time before then, it doesn’t have to be a routine arrangement.

Heck no. The fact she wants to disrupt your breast feeding in order to accommodate her own needs says it ALL. You tell her and your DH that you are not ready and that's that!

This is the same principle as the thread "Husband booked a holiday without baby". It's so weird posters saying he's done a nice thing, they'd personally love it, she should be grateful etc. It's not a lovely thing if she doesn't want it and it's the same with this. OP doesn't want to hand her baby over so it's not a lovely thing she should be grateful for.

Those of you who think OP should hand over her baby, would you do what the MIL is doing? If your daughter/DIL has a baby, would you seriously say congrats and by the way I'll be having the baby Wednesday to Thursday. Of course you wouldn't, because it's ridiculous.

@Vivi0

Its entitled if its entirely on the ops terms.

No contradiction

MIL had her time with her babies, this is your time.

DH needs to be more worried about upsetting you ( a mother of a very young baby) than a woman who has raised her own kids.

I think it’s great MIL wants a close relationship and I think regular visits would be great but she needs to understand that you come as a package for now and overnights will be a no no for the foreseeable future.

NO, OP. Say no.

You have a DH who seems to be used to just giving in to a pushy mum. The precedence needs to be set sometime that she CANNOT push you around. And he NEEDS to support that. Else she will just keep railroading you.

The only reason pushy people get what they want is because they create an awkward situation that people give in to, to stop the awkwardness. Put your foot down together. Your baby is way too little to spend a day away from you every week, or a night for that matter, and how dare she say you can just do some pumping for her while she is with your DD one day a week. Talk about bloody entitled.

Please don't give in. X

It’s not the norm for me or anyone I know either.

And it’s certainly not a shame.

Some people are more enmeshed with their families than others. If you are happy being part of an enmeshed family system, that’s fine. But don’t try to force others to feel the same way.

Having my baby in the house was the only thing that stopped me hanging myself in the lean-to during PND. For me it was a chemical imbalance, not the fact that I couldn’t wash my hair.

I think Topgub is being argumentative for the sake of it.

Whether it’s ‘normal’ or not is a matter of personal opinion, but this is your baby, and if you don’t feel comfortable then you don’t have to agree. Mums are allowed to be selfish (also ‘selfish’ is also a matter of opinion!) and I would 100% encourage a mother - especially one of such a small baby - to be as selfish as they want when it comes to access to their child.

I think what would be best is just a firm “I’m not ready for the MIL”. Don’t be drawn on when you might be ready, because that might never happen. But do have a conversation with your husband. He needs to back you on this.

Another one of these posts. What is it with these fucking MILs?

@Headsshoulderskneesandtoess

Sorry you had such an awful time but if it wasn't about not being able to wash your hair, it's not about 'pushy' mils either.

But she is the OP’s child. Of course it’s entirely on the OP’s terms.

Does MIL get a say in any other aspect of the OP’s child’s life, or just with regards to contact?

@Vivi0

But don’t try to force others to feel the same way.

Right back at ya (and others)

Anyone doubting the existence of these types of MIL, I would refer you to @Topgub ’s posts.

I would go with something like this. If you feel you have to give a reason (which I don’t think you should have to) I agree with others saying it won’t work with breastfeeding until many is much, much older, you’d have to express to replace every feed and it could still cause issues. I also agree that a young baby needs to be with their primary care giver to form a secure attachment.

My grandson was around 4 months when DD went back to work part time and I had him 3 mornings a week. By the time DD got back she was frantic to feed him! I loved that time, but was very aware that my joy came hand in hand with DD's very natural worry/upset about handing him over.

I think I'd say to MIL that you can't wait to have some time for yourself but it's way too early and you'll discuss it in the future when your milk supply can go for a day without causing you pain. And suggest that she could take baby for a nice long walk to let you have a bath in peace? But set a time limit of 90 minutes and be very clear about it.

@Vivi0

Sure its entirely on ops terms. Her (poor dad not getting a look in eh?) kid as you say.

I just wouldn't be surprised if the mil isn't available when it suits.

🤷‍♀️

@Vivi0

My posts where I said it's up to the parents ultimately but an involved gp isn't a bad thing and balance is nice?

Yeah.

Awful.

How dare you patronise other posters for not doing what you do.