If you got no help, how do you now feel about helping elderly relatives?

[RadioHeadstand]

I'm interested to see if the way I am feeling is just me, or others feel a similar way.

My mum died many years ago, and my dad remarried. He then spent all his time with her, and her DC. They have babysat GC, given money to her DC for things they needed, and been on annual holidays with them. They have done none of this for me or my siblings. They have not babysat for me once. My DC have near to zero relationship with them.

PIL have also not done anything for us. They babysat twice. The second time was 15 years ago when my DH was best man at a friends wedding and MIL started playing mind games with us saying right up until the morning that she hadn't decided if she wanted to help us out yet, and so I never asked her again. My PIL have pleaded poverty for decades and never once helped out my DH with anything. However, when it comes to his sibling, they have been given massive amounts of help both financially and practically. For example, PIL were too broke to donate anything to our wedding, but gave sibling £20K.

If you ask my DC, who are all now in their teens, they aren't fussed about either set of GP's which is sad, but it is what it is. As mine get older I feel a sense of relief that I no longer have to beg, borrow and steal when I need a bit of help. And, I have needed help at times. My DH has been great, but he works long hours and I have to do all the childcare.

Fast forward to now and both sides of the GP's are late 70's. The family and my SM direct my dad to me with any ailment or upset he has. Apparently SM is not able to deal with him. If he has a bug, apparently I should drive over to stay and look after him, as its too much for SM. I'm not good enough to spend Christmas with, but when it comes to being a carer, it's my duty. When I pushed back on this once, I was told that I was burning my bridges with the family. The thing is, those bridges don't exist in the first place. If I need a bridge, they aren't going to lower it for me to walk over.

On the other side my MIL seems to have this attitude that if you are elderly you are deserving in massive respect on the level of an ageing monarch, and we should be spending as much time with them as possible, and sympathising with every ailment they have. I was asked to drive them to an international airport recently as it is too much for them, and I said no as I was too busy. They have also asked us to go on holidays with them and I have told my DH, who would have agreed out of FOG, that I am not going.

I know that the above sounds a bit heartless but I just don't see myself doing lots of things for them. I used to invite them and include them in things. I asked my dad every Christmas for 22 years and he has not accepted one. My PIL only come here for Christmas if there is no better offer. I see both sets of GP every few months, which is what they set years ago, not me. However, now I/we get called up and told they never see anyone, no one comes near them, no one visits their house and this annoys me and I feel a bit guilty. I think that it is only going to get more demanding as well.

Once my DC are older, I will have more free time and I want to enjoy it. I am looking forward to it. I have already started to add things into my life that I have not been able to do in the past. I have lots of great friends. I am happy with the level of contact I have with GP's but from their side, it is not enough. I guess what I am trying to say is that I don't feel that I owe them anything and I am not prepared to spend more than a bit of my time doing things for them.

Is this U and does anyone else who has had similar feel like this? I reflect on what I have written and I think, jeez, what a cow.

I totally agree with you OP. It's amazing the number of people who disregard you when young and then suddenly want to reconnect when they are old and everyone else has vanished .
I don't think you should be guilt tripped in doing anything you don't want to , you mention you have things to do when your DC are older and I'd say go and enjoy them .
I am in a similar situation in that my mother was very absent when I was younger preferring to chase men than be with her children . She is also late 70's now and I won't be giving up my precious retirement years to be a caterer . I've always want to extensively travel and that's what I'll be doing .

@Kissing frogs25
It is interesting that you say your MIL is an unkind person due to her own teenage years. I had an extremely difficult time - and nearly lost my life in teen years and yet I have turned into a kind, caring and loving person. I wonder if it is in your interest to find an excuse for her poor behaviour?

She did suffer incredible trauma in her teens. Worse, I imagine, than nearly dying yourself. Certainly harder to come to terms with. Of course it’s in my interests to tolerate her presence, if not her behaviours. She’s my husband’s mother and my children's grandmother. Now she’s very elderly and quite vulnerable. I don’t need to do battle or make it difficult for my husband to see his mother. She lives far enough away for me to show kindness when we see her, to make arrangements for medical issues or sort household problems from afar. Why would I hang on to Ill feeling and bitterness that is more damaging to me than anyone else?

You have no idea what happened to any poster on here, so I don’t think you are in a position to judge or compare firstly.

Secondly sorting out a few affairs from ‘afar’ and fixing a smile for the odd visit is VERY different from daily care, or two or three hospital runs a week/household help or for some 247 assistance that is the reality for many thousands of families.

I wouldn’t even classify your input as remotely ‘care giving’ so perhaps that’s why it is so easy for you to be ‘kind’ you aren’t actually doing very much if anything of substance, and what is being done is remote and from afar.

I don’t think anyone mentioned bitterness - that’s a you thing, the fact you are working so hard not to feel that way speaks volumes….

Of course you don’t owe them and of course the Golden Children have fled.

Of course DF and DSM will lie their heads off now they want something.

But. You’re much nicer than they are. Live that.

If you’re worried they’ll be bad/distressing for DC, keep DC away. You don’t sacrifice children to the old. (Right now society does that too much already.)

Have they left you anything? Don’t count on it. I’m pretty tolerant of awful relations, but to me that’s the deal breaker.

Whatever you do for DF and DSM that’s nice, remember you won’t get thanked.

Or loved.

If you can handle that, be nice to them.

I support my very elderly mum and supported my dad until he died. It is hard physically and emotionally and impacts on my leisure time as my mum is lonely. I do it because it feels right as they were loving, good parents and amazing grandparents. Even so, I admit I sometime feel resentful at the impact on my own life as it has been years now so I definitely wouldn't do it in your circumstances. I wouldn't feel guilty either but enjoy the times with your husband and children and if you have any siblings who you have a good relationship that is valuable. I think very low contact, on your terms might be easier than none. Look after yourself first and foremost!

@Kissingfrogs25 my nurse friends are such kind women. That particular woman was thankful she avoided feeling guilty by living far enough away to be well out of it.

I agree with your advice to@Cokeandaslice to give some serious thought to how much you wish to be involved. Do not get sucked into helping someone beyond what is healthy for you and your MH.

Feeling forced to help someone you do not like, not to mind love, is hugely stressful.

@CaronPoivre I think a general tolerance/investment for someone from a distance is vastly different to daily/weekly care and appointments.
Vastly different.

OP, do not allow your husband to foist his FOG on you, dragging you into any of his parents care.
Not your responsibility.
Be very firm.

Men are very adept at roping in the women in their lives to help out.

I wrote recently of how a very calm friend of mine had a rare loud row with her husband when, she, newly retired from nursing was volunteered by her BIL for hospital appointment duties for her inlaws!

Her husband had often worked away and she had never seen her inlaws for dust, even when she was on occasion really stuck (her friends stepped in).

Her BIL and his wife were the favourites and had free childcare for many years.

That her BIL had the cheek to ring her husband to tell him, that his wife, my friend, needed to do X on Y date for the inlaws absolutely infuriated her with the sheer CFery of it.

She told her husband to take time off HIS work and to never ever involve her in his parents care.
She had juggled all their childcare for years and she had NO intention of being imposed upon by HIS family.
That was a couple of years ago and she has stuck to it rigidly.
Funnily enough her husbands FOG cleared quickly when his brother tried to impose on him too much.....funny that🙄

It is absolutely incredible how men can be so accommodating with someone else's time and energy, but when it is asked of them - they find their assertiveness pretty quickly.

It is a shame that the underlying perception must be that the man's time is far more valuable than that of their wives and partners. This level of sexism is rife even today. It is entirely depressing to read.
Despite most women having full time jobs these days and they have children to consider in the mix. Somehow women are expected to take this on as well, it is unsustainable, and many elderly parents still imagine it is the 1960s and women are at home making jam and soup and have ample time to attend to their sometimes relentless needs.

Anyone wishing to make serious money in the future should consider opening a business catering for elderly care, that is going to be a growth market as people start to realise that old age is not always about travelling the world and a place in Provence, but demanding health issues, serious need for help and assistance and their adult children can not be expected to fulfil this need when they are already flat out keeping a roof over their heads. I thought covid would be a reset, but it has proved to be a rest in the wrong direction as far as I can see.

reset

I don’t believe in karma, but I do believe that a lot of time in life we grow our own luck. By that, if you’re decent towards others around you, then when the time comes that you need help, you’ll have built the relationships and goodwill that you can fall back on, so that help will usually come.

This is a good example. You don’t owe them anything, and they find themselves in the situation they’re in, entirely because of their attitude and behaviour. So be it. As my Mam used to say ‘if you make your bed, then you lie in it’.

Invest in your descendants OP, not your ancestors.

They now reap what they have sown and have firmly been the architects of their own
sorry future.

Why are the step DC helping your dad at all?

Have you actually pointed out their shitty behaviour to them saying - just because you remember it differently, it doesn’t meant it didn’t happen the way I’m telling you it did.

At most, I would invite them round for a cup of tea every couple of months, no more.

I’m sorry this happened to you.

Remember, invest in your descendants - not your ancestors.

sometimes relentless needs

This is what can happen. The elderly person becomes housebound - so you are the only person they see apart from carers, they need many loooong visits to doc and hospital, need shopping, gardening etc etc.
Just be careful, popping in to do one thing can grow and grow.
Not really the elderly person's fault - just how ageing happens.

I agree with you.
Nursing can be very tough with the hours and nights, and my friend did it with a husband who travelled.

She was in paediatrics and worked with very sick children so hugely invested.

But SHE organised the children all those years while her husbands job wasn't impacted.
Sadly her beloved parents died before she had children.

I can tell you he got 20 years of home truths with that row and pure fury at the cheek of BIL and HIM repeating it back to her.

He was a very quiet man for a long time afterwards.
The hometruths did him NO harm at all.🙄

She is enjoying her retirement after 30 years and savouring HER time.

The same woman is so kind to a couple of neighbours, because that is who she is.

Her in laws complete lack of interest in her children is the reason she could care less what happens to them, and that is the bottom line in all of this.

If you have zero interest in people for many years, you really are deluded if you think they are going to spend any time or interest in your care when you decide it is convenient to you.

IMO a lot of women are very much pushing back on the assumption that all care giving is down to them.....in my circle anyway.

Working FT and raising a family, my friends really aren't interested in the role and won't accept any husband foisting it on them.

Put yourself first. My counsellor has been telling me this for years and I did not take her advise and kept getting hurt. Last year was an awful year and people I helped financially, moved mountains for in time if difficulty did not even pick up the phone to me. I was so lonely. I eventually took the advise and spending money on myself and my sister who is very good to me.

Maybe we will eventually overturn this long held perception with enough strength in numbers to ensure people plan for their own retirement and ill health responsibly and not expect the nearest female relative to pick up the slack - we are in the process of planning now, as to not inflict this kind of burden on our own children.

If the relationship is warm and loving, most adult children will enjoy being with their parents and family but for us that does not stretch to bottom scrubbing!! Ever. My mother pretty much martyred herself doing so for her (emotionally checked out) parents with a bitterness and resentment I can't easily put into words. It turns out many people are very interested in doing the elderly care to preserve the inheritance, but resent what is involved and the number of years required. Which is the other side of the coin. I sometimes feel sorry for older people put in that position, especially if there is vulnerability or serious illness.

I am glad your friend held firm, for her own dignity as well as principle. After a life time of caring for others in all ways she deserves to have a somewhat carefree life now.

These grandparents are terrible. You owe them nothing. Say no. Go no contact but he firm now.

Dh and I have always willingly done whatever we can to help (now adult) dds, but having had to cope for far too many years with dementia in both my FiL and my DM, the last thing I ever want is for dds to have to do any elderly care for us.

We've told them very firmly as much, and have made it very clear in our Powers of Attorney that if we get to the stage of being both unable to care for ourselves, and speak (with full mental capacity) for ourselves, then we want absolutely no ‘striving to keep alive’, nor any life-prolonging treatment.

Thankfully there should be enough cash to pay for help, if needed.

@RadioHeadstand
I think we'd all agree that none of them sound nice or kind.

Based purely on that, without the favouritism that has blatantly been shown on both sides towards siblings (financial or other), you are well within reason to walk away and have nothing to do with any of them.

I'd stop Xmas invites too frankly. Bet you'd feel a huge sense of relief knowing that you were enjoying the day solely with your own family unit.

They deserve nothing from you at all.

Remember, invest in your descendants - not your ancestors.

Wise words indeed.

It is a shame that the underlying perception must be that the man's time is far more valuable than that of their wives and partners. This level of sexism is rife even today.

I remember my mother once saying to me: "Weirdo, don't ever marry an only child." It was said slightly tongue-in-cheek and I didn't fully understand it at the time, but it wasn't until decades later that I realised what she meant - that any woman who marries an only child will end up having to look after his mother as well as her own. My mother and my aunt both married only children, and this is precisely what happened to them.

I also think part of the problem is the culture in the U.K. for the retired to venture further out of society, rather than into it.

They tend to move to semi rural or village locations, with poor transport connections and no nearby services, then just retreat into themselves and spend all day sat watching TV because there’s nothing to do. They then age rapidly and end up in an unsuitable house in an unsuitable location where their adults kids have to drive to them, drive them about to appointments, are their only company etc

That's not my experience at all. All the newly retired people I know, and long retired too, are living their best lives. Travelling, nights out, clubs, societies...they have more money than we do,more time, more flexibility.

My MIL and her friends have a better social life than my 21 year old and her friends, and far more money to have it with.

I'm in a very similar situation OP. I feel that those siblings/step-siblings who have benefitted from the help and support from the parents/PIL should be the ones to step up and offer that help in return. I would arrange a care home if needed but I'm not going to give up my life to care for people who were not prepared to do the same for me. I hope we are much more present for our children when they are adults.

We’re talking about the ones in need of care - 80s and 90s

The post I replied to was about "retired people", not the very elderly in need of care,so no, we were not at that point.

Hopefully they won’t burn through the family money leaving nothing for their care….