If you got no help, how do you now feel about helping elderly relatives?

[RadioHeadstand]

I'm interested to see if the way I am feeling is just me, or others feel a similar way.

My mum died many years ago, and my dad remarried. He then spent all his time with her, and her DC. They have babysat GC, given money to her DC for things they needed, and been on annual holidays with them. They have done none of this for me or my siblings. They have not babysat for me once. My DC have near to zero relationship with them.

PIL have also not done anything for us. They babysat twice. The second time was 15 years ago when my DH was best man at a friends wedding and MIL started playing mind games with us saying right up until the morning that she hadn't decided if she wanted to help us out yet, and so I never asked her again. My PIL have pleaded poverty for decades and never once helped out my DH with anything. However, when it comes to his sibling, they have been given massive amounts of help both financially and practically. For example, PIL were too broke to donate anything to our wedding, but gave sibling £20K.

If you ask my DC, who are all now in their teens, they aren't fussed about either set of GP's which is sad, but it is what it is. As mine get older I feel a sense of relief that I no longer have to beg, borrow and steal when I need a bit of help. And, I have needed help at times. My DH has been great, but he works long hours and I have to do all the childcare.

Fast forward to now and both sides of the GP's are late 70's. The family and my SM direct my dad to me with any ailment or upset he has. Apparently SM is not able to deal with him. If he has a bug, apparently I should drive over to stay and look after him, as its too much for SM. I'm not good enough to spend Christmas with, but when it comes to being a carer, it's my duty. When I pushed back on this once, I was told that I was burning my bridges with the family. The thing is, those bridges don't exist in the first place. If I need a bridge, they aren't going to lower it for me to walk over.

On the other side my MIL seems to have this attitude that if you are elderly you are deserving in massive respect on the level of an ageing monarch, and we should be spending as much time with them as possible, and sympathising with every ailment they have. I was asked to drive them to an international airport recently as it is too much for them, and I said no as I was too busy. They have also asked us to go on holidays with them and I have told my DH, who would have agreed out of FOG, that I am not going.

I know that the above sounds a bit heartless but I just don't see myself doing lots of things for them. I used to invite them and include them in things. I asked my dad every Christmas for 22 years and he has not accepted one. My PIL only come here for Christmas if there is no better offer. I see both sets of GP every few months, which is what they set years ago, not me. However, now I/we get called up and told they never see anyone, no one comes near them, no one visits their house and this annoys me and I feel a bit guilty. I think that it is only going to get more demanding as well.

Once my DC are older, I will have more free time and I want to enjoy it. I am looking forward to it. I have already started to add things into my life that I have not been able to do in the past. I have lots of great friends. I am happy with the level of contact I have with GP's but from their side, it is not enough. I guess what I am trying to say is that I don't feel that I owe them anything and I am not prepared to spend more than a bit of my time doing things for them.

Is this U and does anyone else who has had similar feel like this? I reflect on what I have written and I think, jeez, what a cow.

I'm a Grandparent and have made a concious effort to help all my AC financially and with the DGC - I love them all and they love me. If I chose not to - and a lot of my friends are like this - like to talk about being a GP but are too busy enjoying their lives to help the AC (and these are ones who took full advantage of their parents when their AC were babies) - then I would have to accept that in the future when I need help (if I'm lucky enough to live long enough to become infirm), then it would not be forthcoming. KARMA. Op - if I were you I tell both sets of parents to jog on

Just keep saying No, OP. You don't owe them anything and they haven't given you and your family a second thought all the while you had needed help in the past plus not being around to have a relationship with your DC's which is sad.
Let your SM family step in to help since they had the help when they needed it whether it was financial or baby-sitting. I wouldn't normally be so direct but they don't seem like nice people and try to make you feel guilty. You don't need them in your life so live your life without them and the stress. It will only get worse. Enjoy your life with your family unit. You don't owe them anything. Makes my blood boil when families who don't have a relationship suddenly think you have to be around because it is your DF. They weren't thinking of you when you needed the help. I find friends are more like family then actually family.

I am in the same boat but in a totally different way. I look after my MIL in our home. She cannot live independently in her house so we decided as a family unit it will be best for us to look after her. She is such a lovely lady and been apart of my life for 25 years. We have a very close relationship. She helps us out many years ago with a deposit on our home and been great with our DC's. If she was anything like your SM/DF then i wouldn't of helped and would of let my SIL deal with her DM.
We never expected the help with our deposit but for me the reason I am happy to care for her is because she is part of the family, always has been. My FIL died young so we saw her regularly and she loved spending time with her GC. She gaves us her time and support. My DC's love having their nan living with them but that is because she has always had a relationship with them.

Don't feel guilty, keep saying No and live your live happily. Good Luck x

You can set your boundary wherever you like - as everyone else has said, it wasn't about the practical support, it was about the love and relationship.

I recall a family where the children had suffered horrendous abuse, to the point that family members had gone to prison. As adults when their mum was ill, they were clear they wanted to make sure she was safe and cared for as they were kind human beings, but they were not up for visiting, hands on care, running around doing errands as they did not have that relationship with her. They were incredibly impressive people.

This where you need to channel the Queen - "Recollections may differ." Enough said.

The thing is I don’t (and I’m sure many posters here don’t) expect grandparents to become 24/7, unpaid careers for grandchildren with no lives and a permanent open wallet. If MIL is busy I don’t expect her to drop her plans, and all arrangements are made for mutually convenient times. It’s when there’s a huge discrepancy between what they can reasonably manage and what they actually do that problems arise. It would be so easy for my retired dad to hop on a plane and come and see his grandchildren for a weekend (he’s been invited) but he chooses not to.

*carers

My dad is a poor excuse for a parent. He stitched my mum up financially and emotionally then swanned off abroad with another woman, only contacting me and my siblings very occasionally and making no effort with any of our DC. He's getting old now and I don't have any plans to help him - his wife can do that. So op I understand how you feel. My mum, however, even when in really difficult situations always put us first and clearly loves us and all our children to the end of the earth. When she starts to need me I will most definitely be there for her.

I have a good relationship with DM and my aunt and uncle, so yes I would and do help them.

In your case, no.
I would assist in organising outside help (carers for example) contacting adult social services. But that would be it. I wouldn’t use my time (you don’t sound like you have much time) to clean, cook or provide personal care to either parent.

You need to think if you value the relationship with other family members? will you feel guilt? Only you know the answer.

*I'd tell them no and exactly why.

You get out what you put in.*

I agree with this from a previous poster. ^^

YANBU

You sound very transactional, but that’s presumably because the emotional connection is lacking too. If it were present, you wouldn’t care about the asymmetry at all. But as they haven’t made that effort either, the transactional is all that is left.
You’re not unreasonable to carry on with your plan of action and set and stick to boundaries, but you need to abandon any hope of them ever admitting they are reaping what they have sown, as that will never happen.

This is soooo true! The biggest regrets (or actually only regrets) that I have in my life are absolutely my own fault. You reap what you sow.

Sod it OP. Give what you want to give but don't feel obligated to.

This is a difficult one but I sympathise, OP.
PIL have always favoured DH's sister, and by extension her DC. She has been bought a house outright and new cars by PIL and recieves a significant amount of ongoing financial help from them which has never been offered to DH. They take her DC on holidays and days out. Our DC are never included. DH tries to pretend he doesn't care but I know it's hurtful to him.

My DC are lucky that they have many people in their lives who love them so I feel its PIL's loss. Where I struggle is that they also feel a sense of entitlement. They always turn down our invitations for Sunday lunch, or to meet us somewhere with the DC, who wouldn't know what they looked like if we didn't take them round every couple of months. But they still feel entitled to summon us to their house for Christmas day and if we dare say we'd like Christmas at home (to which they're always invited but never accept) or want to go to my parents they get very huffy.

They don't take care of themselves and are both starting to look more frail. MIL has dropped hints about wanting to move closer to us at some point as they are currently a half hour drive away. I do not want this to happen as I know this isn't out of fondness for us or our DC, but because she knows deep down that the 'golden child' (who lives in the same town as them) won't actually offer any practical help. I feel guilty, but I don't want to spend what little free time I have caring for people who I feel (despite my best efforts) I have very little relationship with.

YANBU.
Let the favoured siblings deal with it.

For various reasons we never had any help at all - in fact supported our parents financially when necessary. I don't particularly like my mother-in-law and think she is an unkind and egocentric person - but understand she is a product of her own teenage years.
I offer her and her husband the support would offer any frail elderly person. I don't feel obliged but think my husband should feel so,; he should recognise she is probably in the last couple of years of life and that time cannot be regained. Supporting is not usually for them but rather for ourselves - it is so we can live knowing we were kind and looked after people when they were vulnerable (even our in-laws). Helping others altruistically feels much nicer than being mean or grudging.

You don't need to be nice to people who are horrible to you. Set the boundaries that you are comfortable with, you don't need to justify yourself. I expect if you were male, there wouldn't be this expectation of you. Enjoy your upcoming freedom.

PIL were like this. Their only GC doesn't bother to see them, even at Christmas as they never fostered any relationship with her as a child. I don't blame her.

DH does more than I think is warranted as they were poor parents, it's very much from a sense of duty and it's not a huge amount.

It's tempting to tell them why you are not doing as much as they would like you to but I doubt they will take this onboard at all so you are probably wasting your breath. I'd push back though with your dad and ask why his wife or step dc can't do more as they are the ones who he has invested his time and energy in.

Was he a good dad when you were a child?

Ha, not a chance. You reap what you sow.

My parents are wonderful and I would bend over backwards to help them in anyway I could. They have been great parents to me and wonderful grandparents to my kids.

The in laws are a pile of shite. Selfish people completely wrapped up in themselves and have never lifted a finger for us.

If they need help in later life they can whistle for it.

Don't be guilt tripped into anything OP. You've brought your kids up with minimal help. Once they are grown up, enjoy your free time.

It is interesting that you say your MIL is an unkind person due to her own teenage years. I had an extremely difficult time - and nearly lost my life in teen years and yet I have turned into a kind, caring and loving person. I wonder if it is in your interest to find an excuse for her poor behaviour?

You can be kind and still have boundaries
You can have a sound value system and still choose to organise care rather than make yourself a martyr for someone that really doesn't care about you.
You can be incredibly loving, but choose to give away your love wisely.

I don't buy in to the idea of doing anything to be 'kind' You are either kind or you are not.

Exactly this they sound awful

someone says above that you sound transactional - that's not how you come across to me. quite the opposite in fact - you have tried in many ways to invest in and make relationships, and have been stonewalled. So you have stopped working on things that others will not make work.

I think that you now need to think really hard about what is right for YOU. and it could be that that is to swallow some of your hurt, and take the hand that is held out. Or it could be that you say - sorry, this is now not the right time for us. But I think you may be unhappy if you don't really think about this hard, and make a decision. If you were more transactional, I think you'd mind this less!

I'm sorry, it sounds really hard...

My Dad was a terrible parent, didn't pay towards me, never supported me, left my mum when I was a toddler.
He's elderly, half blind and lives the other end of the country.
I'll likely not see him now before he dies. I've not visited him for 5 years.
As PP have said. You reap what you sow.

Nobody is obligated to spend any time with their relatives, elderly or not. So your parents were not wrong, but neither are you if you now want to avoid them.

It isn’t ‘transactional’ it’s ‘reciprocal’ and is the basis of any healthy relationship whether that’s romantic, family or friendship. The only time it doesn’t apply is obviously in the case of small children and their parents.

I agree op sounds anything but transactional, she is giving this a great deal of thought and consideration. Most people would have ditched a father that showed so little love, support and care to a child that had lost their mother a long time ago.

It is not cool to feel used, it is certainly not cool to be all but abandoned after a loss of a parent and be replaced by another family, and then be expected to pick up the slack with personal elderly care when times get hard.
Leave your step mother to it, she has deprived you of any kind of meaningful support system and love and choose to prioritise her children when you most needed it. They can work it all out. You can do the fun stuff.

I come from a culture where women are expected to look after parents grandparents
no matter what.
Funnily, gender bias in favour of the son is also very common (varying degrees but mine seems to be quite an extreme example compared to others I know, but still) and while the men are expected to contribute to the finances of elders and the women the actual care, the reality is the sons are given all the inheritance, family properties gifted to avoid sharing out with girls and so women are usually the care givers with little financial security given to them. Again dying out but still happens to a lesser degree.
Often left over crumbs after given to women to keep them sweet.
Lots of other toxic behaviours that women are conditioned to accept as norms so they do the leg work for their darling parents and elderly, religion is thrown in for good measure too. Whereas little is expected from sons.
Made it clear to my mother (who is extremely toxic, see above) that she should be grateful for any support I give them but she should not expect it, after all my brother and his wife and kids are on payroll and blatant favourites have been played for most of my life, she actually found my statement extremely offensive. She just can’t accept how things don’t work one way just because you’re a parent and think you need to be supported, ignoring your actual kids.
Healthy relationships where parents are there for their children, emotionally and/or financially it makes sense for there to be some payback (not obligation but decency) but none of which my parents have been, I’ve been left to get on with it unless the golden child so they can get to f for all I care.
My own kids I treat completely differently and I’m always there to support them but won’t expect them to support or help me in old age unless they want to. And here my family think it’s a given! I know my example is different but wanted to illustrate how unreasonable families can be and try to lay the emotional blackmail without reflecting on their own actions or lack of.
If people want kids to support them then they should have modelled that behaviour themselves first. It comes naturally to children to look after their elders if the same love and care was shown to them otherwise they should expect a 🖕 anything else is just entitled behaviour.