If you got no help, how do you now feel about helping elderly relatives?

[RadioHeadstand]

I'm interested to see if the way I am feeling is just me, or others feel a similar way.

My mum died many years ago, and my dad remarried. He then spent all his time with her, and her DC. They have babysat GC, given money to her DC for things they needed, and been on annual holidays with them. They have done none of this for me or my siblings. They have not babysat for me once. My DC have near to zero relationship with them.

PIL have also not done anything for us. They babysat twice. The second time was 15 years ago when my DH was best man at a friends wedding and MIL started playing mind games with us saying right up until the morning that she hadn't decided if she wanted to help us out yet, and so I never asked her again. My PIL have pleaded poverty for decades and never once helped out my DH with anything. However, when it comes to his sibling, they have been given massive amounts of help both financially and practically. For example, PIL were too broke to donate anything to our wedding, but gave sibling £20K.

If you ask my DC, who are all now in their teens, they aren't fussed about either set of GP's which is sad, but it is what it is. As mine get older I feel a sense of relief that I no longer have to beg, borrow and steal when I need a bit of help. And, I have needed help at times. My DH has been great, but he works long hours and I have to do all the childcare.

Fast forward to now and both sides of the GP's are late 70's. The family and my SM direct my dad to me with any ailment or upset he has. Apparently SM is not able to deal with him. If he has a bug, apparently I should drive over to stay and look after him, as its too much for SM. I'm not good enough to spend Christmas with, but when it comes to being a carer, it's my duty. When I pushed back on this once, I was told that I was burning my bridges with the family. The thing is, those bridges don't exist in the first place. If I need a bridge, they aren't going to lower it for me to walk over.

On the other side my MIL seems to have this attitude that if you are elderly you are deserving in massive respect on the level of an ageing monarch, and we should be spending as much time with them as possible, and sympathising with every ailment they have. I was asked to drive them to an international airport recently as it is too much for them, and I said no as I was too busy. They have also asked us to go on holidays with them and I have told my DH, who would have agreed out of FOG, that I am not going.

I know that the above sounds a bit heartless but I just don't see myself doing lots of things for them. I used to invite them and include them in things. I asked my dad every Christmas for 22 years and he has not accepted one. My PIL only come here for Christmas if there is no better offer. I see both sets of GP every few months, which is what they set years ago, not me. However, now I/we get called up and told they never see anyone, no one comes near them, no one visits their house and this annoys me and I feel a bit guilty. I think that it is only going to get more demanding as well.

Once my DC are older, I will have more free time and I want to enjoy it. I am looking forward to it. I have already started to add things into my life that I have not been able to do in the past. I have lots of great friends. I am happy with the level of contact I have with GP's but from their side, it is not enough. I guess what I am trying to say is that I don't feel that I owe them anything and I am not prepared to spend more than a bit of my time doing things for them.

Is this U and does anyone else who has had similar feel like this? I reflect on what I have written and I think, jeez, what a cow.

Reply simply that as you were not good enough to be deemed worthy for Sunday dinners or Christmas, you don’t think you’re the best person now.
Keep saying no, burn the rest of that bridge, you’ll be having him to live with you soon if not. I don’t understand the older generations demand of respect when they are shitty in their behaviour. We’ve already decided we will not be helping out PIL due to the way they’ve treated us. They can threaten no inheritance but that’s fine, I would rather have no money from them than have to care for people who tell me they hate me.

The only thing I wanted to clarify was that you mention that they have been on holidays with step siblings, but go on to say that you have also been invited on holidays but refused, so I don't think that is something you can fairly complain about.

To clarify, my dad and SM have done endless holidays with SM's family. We have never been asked to go on any, or had any of our offers to come with us accepted.

It is PIL who are now asking us to go away with them, as they want to spend time with us and DGC. I have said no, one of the reasons being that my DC don't want to.

Did you mention to him all the times you had invited him and that he drove past your house to visit SC? I always wonder if people like this just have selective memories or if they just live in a fantasy land where their perception of the past is different from everyone else.

They probably think you owe them because they brought you up and didn't neglect you (I assume). But this should be a give - you didn't ask to be born, they chose to have you so they owe you an upbringing and to be educated etc. You don't have children to look after you in your old age, not any more.

So agree with those saying you reap what you sow. I have a parent who is always angry, I rarely see them as I can't cope with the anger, they choose to act like that ergo I treat them accordingly. I think you're entirely within your rights OP to treat them as you see fit.

Yanbu

They set the parameters of the relationship and it saddened you at the time.

They are selfish bastards reaping what they sow & I wouldn't lift a finger.

where their perception of the past is different from everyone else

Yes, my dad has totally rewritten the past, all to make him look in a better light.

Stay firm op. You owe them naff all.

My sibling and my DP’s sibling had all the help when we had young families - free childcare, living with them rent free, endless babysitting so they could have nights out and short breaks. I regard any care they need as they get older entirely their responsibilitiy.

I had my kids fairly late on in life and my DH's parents had retired early. They wanted to travel, play golf and generally have fun. No problem there. But they also said they wouldn't be around to do childcare as they wanted to travel so we wouldn't be able to ask them. So we didn't, the children grew up with very infrequent visits to his parents, no Christmas together or holidays.
Now they are too old to travel and complain they don't ever see us. My children are now at work and university, they have never had a close relationship with his parents so don't want to start one now. We have been fairly blunt with his parents, we all have our busy lives now. You reap what you sow.

Just keep saying no and feel no guilt about it.

I don't think that anyone can demand love, support and respect simply because you are related to someone. It has to be earned.

If you have a very distant relationship with a relative and they have never been that involved in your life it is unrealistic for them to now expect help after years of not really bothering with you...

This is even more relevant if the person is toxic, manipulative and generally unpleasant.

Also I never understand why women are expected to just give up their life to care for elderly relatives.

The longer this guilt-tripping carries the less likely we are to finally sort out the wider issue of social and elderly care and make sure there is a proper provision for supporting people as we get older.

Would I care for my elderly mother? never. I have no love for her and she failed to care for me as a child and a teen and I owe her nothing. I fought hard to rebuild my life after years of misery inflicted by my parents and they will no steal another minute of my life from me.

They’ve chosen to prioritise and favor other family members in a hurtful way for decades. What’s the saying - you reap what you sow.
you don’t have any goodwill from them to draw on. As long as you’re comfortable with your decision, I’d keep your distance

You reap what you sow. I'd be directing them to their other children who have received help from them in the past.

Exactly this. Relationships survive on a degree of being reciprocal over time, whether this is labour (babysitting and elderly care) or love and affection. We get back what we put in. They have made no effort to put any love, care or support into you and your family, and thus none has been built up over time. You have no obligation whatsoever to assist them now, especially if it's not convenient for you.

As thedailycarbuncle says, behave in a way true to yourself but do not become a doormat. My mum was a terrible, neglectful mother and she did nothing for her own mother. She also cut me out of her will to favour the golden child (who did nothing for her, not even a hospital visit) which she wanted to keep secret to exploit me. I continued to visit, make sure she was ok and support my nice sister who lived nearer and did the most. However, neither of us got involved in giving her "care", we made sure it was arranged and continued to visit and bring her extras iyswim. Social services tried to put us in the care plan and we refused

Its the guilt and obligation which tests you, try and resist it

I'd tell them exactly that, if I were you. I would tell them; you've ignored us for years, you've favoured everyone else, you never helped or took any interest,you made our lives harder. Why would I come running now you need something? Where were you for the last 20 years whenever I needed anything? Somewhere else. Which is where I'm going to be. Toodle-oo.

This 👌🏾

As the old saying goes, ‘As you sow, so you reap.’

I certainly wouldn’t feel obliged to lift a finger for them. Let the ‘golden ones’ step up - but from all I’ve ever heard, after too many years on a forum for carers of people with dementia, all too often the ‘golden ones’ are ‘far too busy’.

I don't think you are being unreasonable. Similar with us my in laws are useless, we didn't even get a happy birthday message for our little one this year yet DSIL was having them babysit a 1 year old for two weeks whilst they went away.

My side I am NC with my dad but super close to my mum (they are separated) and she does so much for us. I mentioned to my DH the other day it's quite a relief that we have only one parent to look after in old age as the rest of them can go to hell for all I care.

No way will I be helping them when they treat myself, DH and DC so poorly. You are entitled to say no and not feel guilty about it and do what's best for your family OP.

YANBU.

My dad was very reliant on my grandparents when I was growing up - emotional/financial support, babysitting, the works.

When they reached their 90s and his first grandchildren were born, he buggered off abroad with my stepmum and now barely speaks to us. When we do speak to him he’s half pissed and making barbed remarks about our mum who left him, or how we ‘never go to see him’ despite the fact he’s retired and it would be infinitely easier for him to come to us rather than us taking time off work to fly small babies and toddlers out to him. He also left us as responsible for his parents, which was been hugely stressful - one has died and the other has significant health issues.

So yeah, if he’s expecting to fly back to us for care in his old age he can bugger off.

Wouldn't touch them with a 20' bargepole, let alone make a big effort to include them in my life or facitate theirs if I were you OP.

Ironically we do most for my dad who was by far the least helpful and lovely of our 4 parents - but he did love me and the kids and would have done anything for us within the constraints of his personality. I would trot over hot coals for my mum or my inlaws though.

You do you, but don't piss and moan when you're cut out of the Will. It's the correlative to what you are suggesting.

I fucking hate the narrative that you only look after your parents because they do things for you. Do you look after your children for the payback?

You seem to be missing the point that kids don’t ask to be born so caring for them isn’t a ‘favour’. You wouldn’t let yourself into someone’s house, Hoover it unasked then say that they owe you.

You seem to be creating a potential drama out of nothing. Either respond with what you have said here or don't respond at all.