If you got no help, how do you now feel about helping elderly relatives?

[RadioHeadstand]

I'm interested to see if the way I am feeling is just me, or others feel a similar way.

My mum died many years ago, and my dad remarried. He then spent all his time with her, and her DC. They have babysat GC, given money to her DC for things they needed, and been on annual holidays with them. They have done none of this for me or my siblings. They have not babysat for me once. My DC have near to zero relationship with them.

PIL have also not done anything for us. They babysat twice. The second time was 15 years ago when my DH was best man at a friends wedding and MIL started playing mind games with us saying right up until the morning that she hadn't decided if she wanted to help us out yet, and so I never asked her again. My PIL have pleaded poverty for decades and never once helped out my DH with anything. However, when it comes to his sibling, they have been given massive amounts of help both financially and practically. For example, PIL were too broke to donate anything to our wedding, but gave sibling £20K.

If you ask my DC, who are all now in their teens, they aren't fussed about either set of GP's which is sad, but it is what it is. As mine get older I feel a sense of relief that I no longer have to beg, borrow and steal when I need a bit of help. And, I have needed help at times. My DH has been great, but he works long hours and I have to do all the childcare.

Fast forward to now and both sides of the GP's are late 70's. The family and my SM direct my dad to me with any ailment or upset he has. Apparently SM is not able to deal with him. If he has a bug, apparently I should drive over to stay and look after him, as its too much for SM. I'm not good enough to spend Christmas with, but when it comes to being a carer, it's my duty. When I pushed back on this once, I was told that I was burning my bridges with the family. The thing is, those bridges don't exist in the first place. If I need a bridge, they aren't going to lower it for me to walk over.

On the other side my MIL seems to have this attitude that if you are elderly you are deserving in massive respect on the level of an ageing monarch, and we should be spending as much time with them as possible, and sympathising with every ailment they have. I was asked to drive them to an international airport recently as it is too much for them, and I said no as I was too busy. They have also asked us to go on holidays with them and I have told my DH, who would have agreed out of FOG, that I am not going.

I know that the above sounds a bit heartless but I just don't see myself doing lots of things for them. I used to invite them and include them in things. I asked my dad every Christmas for 22 years and he has not accepted one. My PIL only come here for Christmas if there is no better offer. I see both sets of GP every few months, which is what they set years ago, not me. However, now I/we get called up and told they never see anyone, no one comes near them, no one visits their house and this annoys me and I feel a bit guilty. I think that it is only going to get more demanding as well.

Once my DC are older, I will have more free time and I want to enjoy it. I am looking forward to it. I have already started to add things into my life that I have not been able to do in the past. I have lots of great friends. I am happy with the level of contact I have with GP's but from their side, it is not enough. I guess what I am trying to say is that I don't feel that I owe them anything and I am not prepared to spend more than a bit of my time doing things for them.

Is this U and does anyone else who has had similar feel like this? I reflect on what I have written and I think, jeez, what a cow.

This. You don’t owe them anything. If I were you I wouldn’t lift a finger to help them. They have treated you very badly.

@TheDailyCarbunkle
Yes this is exactly what I meant thank you for expanding

Further to my comment above, I don’t see eye to eye with my in laws (boomer Brexit types with far right opinions) but they love DD and go out of their way for her - they collect her from nursery for dinner once a week, and usually have her for a few hours at the weekend so I can get things done. Nothing massive but it shows they care, so I will be more than happy to help in their old-old age.

When pregnant MIL (local and both retired) told me that they would not be helping with childcare, I laughed and told her I'd never ask, and it's a good job as we won't be helping with elderly care.
She often used to offer to give me a hand for an hour when DS was tiny then turn up late or not at all. We get on well but I've stuck to what I said. They have enough money to pay for care if they want to but prefer not to. We have lives and small children plus DH works long hours. SIL made noises about DH giving up time to care for MIL each weekend so FIL could have a break, I shut it down immediately as I wasn't willing for our kids to miss out on clubs/family time or me be solo parent at weekends as well as in the week.
My parent on the other hand (not local and self employed) helps me when ever I ask, travelling over an hour at the drop of a hat and has helped us out with anything we need over the years and is my biggest support. I would do what ever I could for them no matter what.
I think you reap what you sow in relationships and no one 'owes' anyone anything.

you made our lives harder

It did. I had no one to call up when I was having a bad day, no parent or PIL to get advice from. I had no one to share my terror when my baby was really sick. Just the other day I had to beg 2 hours off at the end of work so I can take my DC to a medical appointment.

I'm not saying that a GP should be doing childcare for me. I am talking about an emergency, helping me out a bit, a couple of times a month max. Babysit for me once in a blue moon so DH and I could go out together. These are the things I want to do for my DC.

It is OK now though. Pretty soon I won't need any help. My DC are older. I will have free time. I just don't want to swap the role of mum for the role of elderly carer.

My MIL has recently started telling me all about the wonderful DIL's her brothers and sisters have. They cook, they clean and the sun shines out of their rear ends, she is making it clear that this is what I should be doing to be a good DIL. This is something she should have been thinking about 20 years ago instead of being a bitch. She did nothing for her own MIL but expects me to be at her beck and call.
My parents on the other hand took care of their parents and set a brilliant example to their children who will, when the time comes, rally around.
I always wanted a good relationship with my IL's but they have made it impossible and it completely goes against how I was raised to say 'sod them' but other than the odd visit to check that they haven't died in their armchairs, I'm done.

I would prioritise your own DC and invest in your relationship with them.

Growing up, my parents belonged to the 'sandwich' generation providing care and support to elderly relatives and trying to care for us children as well. It cut down on the practical and emotional resources they had for their children, and meant that often we'd have to fit around visiting and caring for elderly relatives or our parents didn't have any time for us because they were too stressed working full-time and trying to organise care and support from a distance. Nothing was ever enough in the later days.

It was sometimes annoying as a teen to spend large chunks of our holidays visiting elderly relatives and essentially running around after them (and having our parents taken over by them), but I didn't begrudge it particularly since our grandparents were absolutely present for us as young children, did so many things with us, lavished gifts on us and we had a very, very loving relationship with them. They put so much effort into building the relationship, and it was that relationship (and the love involved) which sustained us through the quite tough times which came later and when the demands made were often quite onerous.

Since you don't have that existing loving relationship with them which might enable you to tolerate their demands with affection and good humour, I'd be shutting them down pretty quickly. Don't take time from your own children to spend with people who have never valued you.

Yep this is so often the way. The favourite child never looks near their elderly parents but can do no wrong. There will be one child who ends up doing all the care because they don't like to say no to doing a few little things and it snowballs until they're running after their parent night and day and being constantly criticised. They're grooming you as their carer OP, don't let them.

It 100% works both ways. PIL made it very clear when DC were little that they were glad they lived far away from us so they wouldn’t be put upon by having to look after their GC. Not that we’d ever asked! Queue them getting older and slightly frailer they started to consider moving nearer which I promptly discouraged. Harder when it’s your own parents/ Dad though so I would support and free up DH to help them. I looked after mine a lot before they died but then they were really supportive to me when DC were little and especially when DD got ill. Always voluntary help though I didn’t ask them too.

Your in-laws sound like my in-laws. They have always been uninterested, left us out of family gatherings and focused on DHs siblings, given DHs siblings help with child care etc and given us nothing, spiteful snidey comments is all we usually get. They also guilt trip us now they feel elderly and need things and think we owe them something. My MIL definitely behaves like she thinks she should be treated like a Queen, like you say.
I and DH feel as a result of all their mistreatment and neglect of us when we needed it (including in DHs childhood) then we owe them nothing now. We get the guilt trips now, they have even invented illnesses to try and manipulate us. They accuse us of holding a grudge and burning bridges too, but just like you, we also feel like there is no bridge to burn. They don’t feel like family, because to us they have never behaved like family. They have always been very cold to us, but now they need something of course, we are accused of being the cold-hearted ones. We are LC now.
I have been there for plenty of people in my life, but in situations where it feels natural and/or reciprocal. I’ve also helped complete strangers at times. With the in-laws they have repeatedly shown they don’t care about us and have been quite cruel at times. Just because they are supposed to be family, I don’t feel like I owe them anymore than I owe anyone else who has been horrible to me in my life. I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all.

My sister, single, good income, children, was cold and distant towards my children. I was widowed, there was no offers of help. She put time and money into the children of her friends. She now wants unreasonable time from my middle DD (the one who has children). Her friend's children don't bother with her beyond the odd video call. Her friends have moved, remarried, died. My middle DD has told her straight. My children have never even been in her house. My sister made the statement that she often wonders why she isn't invited to my eldest, who lives ten minutes away. Even during the worse weather, my sister would leave my Mother's house and go home, she'd pass my house to get there. Yet wouldn't have offered a lift. My children do remind her of this. None of us will be hospital/care home etc visiting. She promised my DD support when she ended her DV relationship, then dropped her when a better offer came up. She can stand by the choices that she made.

I'm with you, OP.

I would (and did) step in a lot for my wonderful MIL before she died, but that relationship was a two way street. She welcomed me when I was younger, helped us out with moving in together, with our first house - even when I went to Uni, she was the one buying little things or making sure I was all right. I have no doubt, had she been able to, she'd have been hands on with our DD as well.

In complete contrast, however, my own parents. My mum was an alcoholic and borderline abusive, with no interest whatsoever in her grandchild, and you've practically written the story of my dad yourself. He buggered off when I was young, having not really made any effort up to then, and still hasn't. He shows up at Christmas and Birthdays, and the occasional play these days, but its his wife motivating him, rather him thinking he should. Wife's kids, OTOH, have had loads of support, loads of childcare, grandkids on that side have been on holiday with them - they've never so much as taken DD to the park for an hour.

My mum is now seriously ill, my dad is forever moaning about his health. Both they (and wider family) seem surprised that I'm not dancing attendance. But I'm not, and I'm not going to be.

As for 'they looked after you as kids' - they didn't. I was farmed out to elderly relatives and sitters constantly, and I was getting myself up and dressed for school and letting myself out in the morning from age 8.

They didn't care then, they don't now, and I won't be playing handmaid. You really do reap what you sow, OP, so don't feel pressured into anything.

DB and DM have a good reciprocal relationship. They're local and he'll help deal with things for her, she'll babysit.

I live further away, she's rarely visited me because she can't be away from the cats that long 🙄 I've traditionally come down to her and it used to be relatively frequent, but invitations to come down fizzled and I don't have reason to be around the area. She doesn't like (autistic) DS so I'm not enthused about playing fake happy families with him as a pawn. She doesn't do mobiles/ messaging etc so squeezing in phonecalls around my family commitments (and between her commitments like the cats' tea time and the cats' bed time) is the avenue of communication. It's inevitably me that calls. She doesn't exactly facilitate contact.

My experiences of raising a family are more isolated and unsupported than hers were; she never went for years without a night out with her husband as we're currently stuck in.

I don't have the capacity to run around and support her and she has made many concious choices that have made life harder now such as staying in an unsuitable home and shunning all technological developments since the colour tv. I can't stay over now because the house is unsanitary.

It's not a tit for tat "you don't babysit for me so I won't do anything for you" and I didn't expect such favours with her age and distance anyway, but lack of interest and emotional support is a factor. Any issue I have is shot down by some experience where she had it worse. There's quite a lot I self-censor so I don't get the Daily Mail-esque opinion piece about it.

The most sucessful adult parent/ child relationships have a degree of mutual exchange one way or another. It is unreasonable to expect adult children to fall over themselves to help with the burdens of age when there was little interest in the years prior to that. You'll also find that down the years adult children who had little interest/ attention filled their lives up and are at capacity by that stage.

Yes, l thought this was the case. From the rest of the back story

I believe in treating people how they treat you- when you needed help and support they have provided none. When they complain about needing help I would direct them to those who they have helped. When they complain they don’t get to see anyone a simple “well grandkids don’t have a close relationship with you so I wouldn’t expect them to visit often and I’m very busy too” or a simple “ doesn’t x and y come by often as I always thought you had a much closer relationship with them than me”

It is unreasonable for anyone to expect you to be remotely interested op. You have been very badly let down, given you lost your own mother - they should have done more, not less to support you.

Op you are under no obligation at all. Just continued to visit if you feel like it, and distance yourself from everything else - care, hospitals apps. Just tell them you have too much on and won’t be committing to anything else.

I am amazed you still want to see them as much as you do. But you must do what you feel is right, and be mindful of FOG. They had decades to support you and choose not to.

I had this exact conversation with dh following ILs first visit in a year at the weekend.

I am no contact with my Mother due to childhood abuse but prior to that she would ring me at all hours demanding help. She is wealthy and healthy but has chosen to give no help financially or physically and stood back while we lost our home when I had to become a ft carer for our middle child.

ILs ignored us during the entire year when we were loosing our home. No offers of temporary accommodation, no visits, no emotional support. Instead, they chose to focus on spending £80k on an extension to their three bedroom house for just the two of them.

DH and I will not be doing any elder care. They demonstrated what they thought of us and our kids in our time of need and there is no going back.

Same with my dad. It’s all ‘when your mother ran off, me and stepmum brought you up’. He fails to mention he didn’t even meet her til I was 14, I was pretty independent and spent a lot of time out of the house, did my own washing etc - I really didn’t need ‘bringing up’. I left home the moment I turned 18. He holds my mum’s behaviour against me, if that makes sense, and in arguments will often shout about things she did as if it was my fault!

My mum said the same thing about childcare but also made it clear l always have to go visit her and lm already bored of that. I won’t especially be getting involved in her twilight years, l have my own life

It is ALWAYS women who are expected to drop everything and run off to care for elderly / sick relations. Are men ever expected to?!

I wouldn’t help and I’d be absolutely clear about why.

Im all for trying to be a good person even if it isn’t reciprocated but the problem is that every time you see them, all the past grievances will keep coming back up and that’s really bad for you. I’d cut contact.

I'm guessing that at some level you’re still seeking their approval and trying to make them see that they are actually at fault. You’re trying to turn your dad and PILs into the people you want them to be. I do the same with my DM but I’ve had to accept that she isn’t capable of change and her brain cannot take on new ways of viewing the world. I think part of their brains are just missing and they will never have any emotional maturity.

I think all human relationships are to a point reciprocal.
Looking after someone, providing g care and attention and being there when needed induces warm feelings towards them. This strengthens the familial bond which in turn leads to you wanting to help them. If you don't get that from someone you expect it from you will become distant and less likely to reciprocate.
You get back what you put in.
My dcs gps never really bothered and as such the dc, now they are older don't bother back. They have developed no relationship and the gp are just people they know.
I had a pretty detached childhood with them they wernt the parental type. Since having children I having been let down in many situations including emergency health ones for things like hair appointments or drinks with friends I am low contact and keep myself very separate. I did try helping more but found I was making myself unwell mentally.

We don't get regular help with childcare because the GPs can't do it. My parents are too far away, MIL is not physically able. The main thing is they all make efforts to spend time with us and we feel wanted and loved. As a consequence I will happily support MIL as she gets older, and will support my parents sorting stuff from a distance as well as continuing regular visits and dinners.

You not only have not had support, you've not been treated as a valued member of the family. Why do they think they are owed anything when they couldn't even be bothered to come for dinner once a month when they were younger?

@Acheyknees - exactly the same situation here. PIL invest time and effort and have good relationships with the DC. My remaining parent remarried, spends lots of time abroad and we see them once in a blue moon. The DC don’t particularly care for them. As they say, you do indeed reap what you sow.

I did a great amount for my mother when she was ill, but she had always done what she could for us and adored her grandchildren. My MIL was the complete opposite, a lovely woman, but no help at all in any respect, even if you asked but great to her own daughters. My mother is dead unfortunately and when my SILs moan about how much they have to do for MIL, I let it go over my head. What goes around, comes around! Do not feel guilty, just say no. If your DH wants to do things for PIL, let him....you don't have to. No excuses, just sorry, no!