If you got no help, how do you now feel about helping elderly relatives?

[RadioHeadstand]

I'm interested to see if the way I am feeling is just me, or others feel a similar way.

My mum died many years ago, and my dad remarried. He then spent all his time with her, and her DC. They have babysat GC, given money to her DC for things they needed, and been on annual holidays with them. They have done none of this for me or my siblings. They have not babysat for me once. My DC have near to zero relationship with them.

PIL have also not done anything for us. They babysat twice. The second time was 15 years ago when my DH was best man at a friends wedding and MIL started playing mind games with us saying right up until the morning that she hadn't decided if she wanted to help us out yet, and so I never asked her again. My PIL have pleaded poverty for decades and never once helped out my DH with anything. However, when it comes to his sibling, they have been given massive amounts of help both financially and practically. For example, PIL were too broke to donate anything to our wedding, but gave sibling £20K.

If you ask my DC, who are all now in their teens, they aren't fussed about either set of GP's which is sad, but it is what it is. As mine get older I feel a sense of relief that I no longer have to beg, borrow and steal when I need a bit of help. And, I have needed help at times. My DH has been great, but he works long hours and I have to do all the childcare.

Fast forward to now and both sides of the GP's are late 70's. The family and my SM direct my dad to me with any ailment or upset he has. Apparently SM is not able to deal with him. If he has a bug, apparently I should drive over to stay and look after him, as its too much for SM. I'm not good enough to spend Christmas with, but when it comes to being a carer, it's my duty. When I pushed back on this once, I was told that I was burning my bridges with the family. The thing is, those bridges don't exist in the first place. If I need a bridge, they aren't going to lower it for me to walk over.

On the other side my MIL seems to have this attitude that if you are elderly you are deserving in massive respect on the level of an ageing monarch, and we should be spending as much time with them as possible, and sympathising with every ailment they have. I was asked to drive them to an international airport recently as it is too much for them, and I said no as I was too busy. They have also asked us to go on holidays with them and I have told my DH, who would have agreed out of FOG, that I am not going.

I know that the above sounds a bit heartless but I just don't see myself doing lots of things for them. I used to invite them and include them in things. I asked my dad every Christmas for 22 years and he has not accepted one. My PIL only come here for Christmas if there is no better offer. I see both sets of GP every few months, which is what they set years ago, not me. However, now I/we get called up and told they never see anyone, no one comes near them, no one visits their house and this annoys me and I feel a bit guilty. I think that it is only going to get more demanding as well.

Once my DC are older, I will have more free time and I want to enjoy it. I am looking forward to it. I have already started to add things into my life that I have not been able to do in the past. I have lots of great friends. I am happy with the level of contact I have with GP's but from their side, it is not enough. I guess what I am trying to say is that I don't feel that I owe them anything and I am not prepared to spend more than a bit of my time doing things for them.

Is this U and does anyone else who has had similar feel like this? I reflect on what I have written and I think, jeez, what a cow.

Op I was discussing this very subject with a friend this weekend.

My parents have been distant/ emotionally distant my whole life which, when I look back, has been really hard. I have got involved with people and bent over backwards for people who haven't always had my best interests at heart in my need to try and create a family.

My father has been told this month he has cancer and where my mum isn't that well either, I know I will be called upon to help out with hospital trips and caring further down the line. It's going to be hard to do this when I don't feel that we really have that familial relationship but I don't know how to say no as such yet i would gave guven so much more if they had been there for me throughout my life. It's a very tough situation.

If people want kids to support them then they should have modelled that behaviour themselves first. It comes naturally to children to look after their elders if the same love and care was shown to them otherwise they should expect a 🖕 anything else is just entitled behaviour

I could not agree more! 👏
I look after my children with such care and have done for decades, and I don't expect any kind of 'payback' I gave my love and time freely and without conditions. When I get old and need help, I shall pay for it or make my own arrangements. We are very close, and when they have gc I will do all I can to support them throughout with overstepping in any way. We have an amazing and loving family but will I be expecting them to take over my personal care and put their lives and careers on hold, of course not. I am making plans to care for myself into very old age, as most responsible adults do. Anything else is a bonus as far as I am concerned.

*without!

As someone with two olds I would say you should do what you feel is right but should not on any account be guilt tripped into doing anything more than that.

Maybe make a list of what you are prepared to do, if anything, and let them know in advance what will need to be considered/arranged themselves.

Get your thoughts crystal clear on what you are comfortable with doing, if anything and communicate that tot them as soon as possible so they can adjust their expectations/make arrangements. All round it is better to be very clear at this stage, as the resentment can build either side.

You are not the unpaid help they can tap into when they feel like it. Equally you may wish to offer some conditional support that works for you?

I think you’re completely right. My ILs always favoured SIL and her family over DH - leaving him (and us) out of significant family events etc. The kids saw all this and as they’ve got older have no real relationship with their GPs and no real respect. It’s sad but it is what it is. I know my MIL expects us to ‘step up’ when she needs help and we do for some things but elderly care will not be one of them.

YANBU

i absolutely agree with you. My own parents, one was extremely toxic, could use plenty of other words, the other an enabler. I was always low on their list of priorities even though I’d be the one who always made an effort when we were younger. I was there all the time when my DF was dying, brothers no where to be seen, apparently it was too hard for them to deal with, I was pregnant and had small children to take care of, but I was utterly selfish when I was grieving looking after a baby, 4 & 6 yo, husband working overseas and wouldn’t find a stranger to look after my children so I could go to my mothers house on DFs anniversary even though my siblings children would be there. The same day my 6yo was also due at the hospital for tests because of health concerns about her. I’ve never been asked once if she’s ok. I’m NC with M & one brother who feels it’s now his job to enable her. Both my brothers do things together and M is included, it’s easier for them to leave me out so they have to deal with any toxicity. They know exactly what she’s like but apparently it’s my fault because I don’t put up with her and just go with it, I get phone calls only when someone on Ms side of the family has died from other brother.

As for babysitting, my M has looked after all my nieces and nephews since babies, only grudgingly looked after my oldest 2, 3 times and for limited times and the whole world knew she was doing me a favour. My oldest started to notice a difference in the way she was being treated to one cousin in particular. If you speak to my extended family they believe she was babysitting almost daily for me.

Id been NC before having children but wanted my DCs to know their family so tried to mend bridges. The final straw for me to reduce contact again was when one day I had really bad chest pains, I was home alone with the baby, heart disease is rife in my family, hear attacks from young ages. I didn’t want to call an ambulance as I didn’t want to be in hospital all day with a baby. My GP said if I insisted they could do an ecg in 45 mins, I called M and said can you please come (bearing in mind she had her first angina attack younger than me), she said “ o I’ve just got into bed with a bee and watching loose women”, or something like that. If it turns out to be serious call me back and I will get the baby but I have to be at nieces school for pick up so you will have to figure something else out for my DDs. That was 6 months after DF died, baby was 9 months old, I went LC then and finally NC on DFs anniversary.

I’ve been told M is ill, though that was a year ago and she’s still knocking around so I suspect her playing games. I have no intention of getting involved again. I know if I did, things will be left to me while the golden boys get on with their own lifes. No way am I putting myself or my family through that. My M has spent my life putting me down and much more, I owe her nothing.

In-Laws different, never met DHs mum as she’d already died, DH is an introvert and distanced himself from his family after his DM died. After having DCs we’ve tried to become closer to them but he’s always felt an outsider. They aren’t bad, he’s just not close to them. We also don’t live close. There is a definite difference in how he’s treated, he’s more of an afterthought. I doubt we’d be called upon for assistance, I suspect others would be before us. I think DH would step up if he was needed though.

I'm a big believer in sourcing external help and not tying family. So DH and I spent thousands on nursery and childcare fees over the years. My parents are dead, but PIL are well off and I would fully expect them to buy in help and care as needed rather than look to busy DH and I with jobs and families of their own.
Isn't that what we save for all our lives?
Having said that, SIL did very much better than us in terms of financial and practical help. Another reason I won't be encouraging DH to jump to.

Have you actually told them why you won’t help out? I would tell them that they were never here for you and never helped when you asked. Also what about his step children, can they not help?.

My father abused and neglected me before fucking off and completely abandoning me and telling me he wished I was dead.

I have ZERO plans to care for him and frankly I am better than him regardless because Im just not caring for 'a stranger', if I was like him I would abuse and torture him like he did to me.

You reap what you sew in life and he is reaping a very lonely life and thats not my fault or responsability.

No one should put up with being a doormat to toxicity under the guise of being 'the better person'... thats really dangerous.

This^
Let them know you had to struggle on with no family support when your kids were young so you will not be providing any support for them now. You will need to make it very clear this is the reason as support works both ways

I wouldn’t be on the phone with him ranting about my failures etc. Just hang up or tell him you don’t have time.

You don’t owe anyone anything.

You owe them nothing, absolutely nothing.
I would be telling them so and why, but you sound far too nice for that😁

Relationships are like fires; if you don’t put any wood on, they go out.

My two pence; they look to you now because they don't value your time. Those that they have lavished money and time upon have been burnished gold by the attention, and in their minds they are 'worth more than you.' Your time is less valuable so they can call on it when they please, expect you to be at their beck and call.

I think it really comes down to making decisions about how you choose to use your time and being ok with others not approving of your decisions.

I didn't receive help financially or physically from my mother or any elder my side of the family. I still helped them because that was expected. It seems to be all the rage these days to expect parents to raise both you and the grandchildren!

I don’t blame you at all OP. My dad abused me when I was little, so he won’t be getting any care at all from me. I haven’t seen him in over 20 years, but he sent me a Christmas card last year, possibly the first time ever, so I sense that he may be starting to think about care. He can keep dreaming.

My mum either turned a blind eye to the abuse or was so detached from me that she didn’t even notice that I wasn’t ok. She never told me she loved me, was never there for me emotionally, but she was good in a practical way, we were always fed and clothed. She’s spent her years pandering to my dickhead brother, despite being a complete arsehole, he’s the golden child, so whilst I’ll make sure she goes into a good home, if she wants family care, she can ask mr golden balls.

my MIL seems to have this attitude that if you are elderly you are deserving in massive respect on the level of an ageing monarch

My late mother also had this attitude. She always put her mother's and MIL's needs first - not just above her own, but also above those of my father and me - and never missed an opportunity to remind me that in the fullness of time she would expect me to do the same for her. In the event, that question didn't arise (she died when she was still quite young), but it definitely soured our relationship whilst she was alive.

You owe them nothing. Go NC . Burn the Bridges. You deserve to enjoy your emptynestyears. you have earned it.

YANBU....at all.

My Ex-MIL never calls me for anything, that s fine by me, but my exH is her only son and they do rely on him. Ex MIL is re-married to ex Step FIL. They were never interested in the grandchildren as they were desperately hanging onto their youth. Ex Step FIL is younger than Ex-MIL by 5 years, they engaged in a firm fight so that 50 was the new 30 and they were too young to be grandparents, even though ex MIl was in fact at least mid 50s becoming a grandparent, she had zero interest.

They were almost averse to toddlers. Roll on 15 years, and they are obviously aging etc. I bumped into Ex Step FIL on the street, and he waxed lyrical to me about how his father had done the same sport as my sons, all his life, and how proud he would be now, looking down from heaven, knowing he had great-grandsons competing in xxx sport.

Whaaaat.....dead step great grandfather looking down from heaven!!! This is a step FIL, no blood relation, no interest when kids were high intensity toddlers. Never treated them or us to a meal out or a coffee or a cake or babysitting or emotional support. they were incredibly mean with time and money. My ex-husband called to their house one Sunday (late) morning, and ex FIL called him from inside the house and said they weren't there.

Now they are sucking up to the two grandsons, as they are their only grandchildren!! So annoying, so hard to explain to my kids how useless they were, when we could have benefited from some help.

NO - I will not be helping them, they know that. Ex -DH probably will help them, he shouldn't, but he will.

It's actually the complete opposite. Back in the day it was extremely common for grandparents to provide childcare on a regular basis, often while parents were at work. It's a lot less common now and more of an occasional thing for many, certainly not expected.

OP,

You sound lovely and have made great efforts over the years, despite being rebuffed.
In your place there is no relationship and I would mute the phone.
They have chosen the type of relationship you have.
Protect yourself and your family.

This has been a consistent theme in my circle over the past 20 years and has always boiled down to the interest shown in the grandchildren.

If no interest has been shown in them, not necessarily childcare, but just interest, then my friends have not gotten very involved in eldercare on either side.

They did/do the very bare minimum and encourage them to spend their money.
This can be very painful for some to countenance!

Several of my friends are nurses and the expectations of family that they would automatically step in is extraordinary.

One gentle friend of mine had two golden brothers BIL that could do no wrong, nor could their children and her husband was an afterthought in all things throughouthis life and marriage.

They were quietly excluded in a suble way and were not included in family business.

They weren't invited to Christmas lunch but my friend never cared as her parents were delighted to share the day with them.

Anyway a house came up 30 minutes from where they lived and 5 minutes from
her parents

They never said a word as they hadn't met with his family in months, as usual, and simply text the weekend that they had moved.

Well! The outrage that they had moved closer to her parents and wouldn't be available for future care was hilarious.

The selfishness of it!

My friend was genuinely shocked that they had absolutely assumed that her sole purpose would be to step in if needed.
They hadn't called to their house in years despite being 5 miles away.

In the last 15 years, many is the time over vino she has said what it was such a bullet dodged that they did move, as his parents have required a lot of help and bar the occasional visit she isn't involved with them at all.

Her children never established much of a bond, so by the time they left in their very early teens, they were largely ambivalent about seeing them.

Her husband as the least "successful" of their 3 sons, is now well able to bat away his favoured brothers and their occasional complaints.

They all had their parents undivided attention for years and it is the least they can do.

Other friends have steadfastly refused to be sucked into the "hospital appointments merry-go-round" for parents and in laws that they too never saw from one end of the year to the other.

Several have mentioned how resistant to bothering "the golden one's" in their lives.

"Favourites" is a huge thing simmering in some families.

Expecting teens and children in their 20's to want to spend time with elderly relatives that they have no real bond or shared history with, is both unreasonable and unrealistic.

I was devoted to both my darling grandmothers right up to their deaths because whilst they had never provided childcare for me, they had always shown a great interest in me and my siblings right into my 20's.

@mam0918 👏100% this sort of speak is toxic itself under ‘be kind’ ‘be patient’ ‘be the bigger person’

This is so insightful.

I too have been on the receiving end of a huge backlash because we were pencilled in as the elderly care (much to our surprise!) when we lived very close to them they didn't visit us from one month to the next, and never even helped even in a medical emergency.
So I had very little time for the theatrics when we finally moved a few hours away. It is still mentioned now and the grudge and resentment sits there at the centre of everything. We moved eleven years ago - and we still have to listen to this on a loop and how they will 'never get over it'. They know golden child has no interest despite the lavish time, money and effort they have directed at him, and he didn't as much as drop of a tin of beans for the whole of the pandemic whilst they were isolating despite wfh every day and living under half an hour away.

It is so true that some families are stuck in the stereotypes of expecting the dd to step in and mop up the elderly care. It also true that some families think they can treat their dc in any way they wish and still expect to be waited on into old age. Op, let the stress go, it stopped being your job a long time ago - and indeed he could not bring himself to prioritise you at any point, now he can rely on the people that he has chosen to spend his life with. I would do the bare minimum as billy said if you want to, and if you have time and capacity. Otherwise I would send the name and number of the nearest care agency and tell them to start interviewing.

No, they put nothing into the relationship so now they deserve very little back