Big age gap. Is it love or a red flag?

[Noteverybodylives]

I will stay as neutral as possible as I genuinely want peoples true opinions.

Person A and person B are in a relationship.

Person A is young, very good looking, has a good body and has 1 young child.

Person B is not good looking, does not have a good body and has a teenager and older child.

Why would person A want to be with person B?

Person A could have their pick but has chosen person B who would struggle to find anyone half decent.

Person B is not rich.

What could it be?
Could it actually be love or do your alarm bells start ringing?

YABU - of course it’s probably love.
YANBU - no it sounds like something other than love.

Ugh that is grim re the teen daughter and has a nasty ring of truth. I hope you’re wrong but have heard of that situation before. And the older unattractive mum
did not believe the teen daughter when she started complaining about how often “stepdad” walks on when she’s changing etc.

Keep a close eye on that OP!

You have drip fed and changed your 'intentions' throughout the whole thread OP, you can't deny that. You only mentioned conce4n for the DC very late in. You made all of your original post about how unattractive B was. What on earth kind of response were you expecting, ffs?

What are you talking about!

I’ve said the entire time that I have red flags, alarm bells, can’t put my finger on it suspicions!

I had to be factually accurate about the women as I was trying to give as much info as I could so posters could understand why I had these views.

I’ve said the entire time something doesn’t sit right with me and that I had no physical proof.

I appreciate the posters replies who are trying to see it from my point of view and who aren’t just intentionally missing my point just to be bitchy.

The facts are that he is much younger and better looking than the mum - that’s not me being nasty that is simply fact.

This is the entire point of my thread and I can’t explain myself without describing them both.

I obviously had red flags when I heard about the new boyfriend, then hearing him moving in and then about the ‘pregnancy’ and ‘miscarriage’. But that is quite typical mum.

But seeing him, first from afar and then much closer - straight away set my alarm bells off.

It’s really hard to describe but it doesn’t feel right and that is based on his looks and age - which makes me sound horrible as he could genuinely love her personality but it just doesn’t feel right.

I have been looking out for red flags with the teenager but nothing has come up yet.

Due to her past she has had a lot of work on what’s appropriate and what’s not but she is very trusting and these men are clever.

The DD is 14 but I’d say has a mental age of about 10/11.

OP your posts have changed and drop fed more and more as the thread has continued, it now feels like you are making things up to try to get people to back you up.

You should stick to your initial story and stop drip feeding what I guess are lies now, so why are you so involved with ZERO evidence of wrong doing apart fr your own nasty views.

In what capacity do you work with the teen, and who have you reported this man to?

You should stick to your initial story and stop drip feeding what I guess are lies now, so why are you so involved with ZERO evidence of wrong doing apart fr your own nasty views.

My original story has not changed at all.
Please tell me where you think it has?

I gave very little details in the OP for a reason of which I explained in my OP as I didn’t want any bias, even leaving out which person was which sex but they have not changed the entire time.

I have said the entire time that I have suspicions and they are based on his looks and age compared to hers - where have I backtracked about this??

I said right from the beginning that she was not rich and what other reasons might there be.

If you don’t want to believe it then fine (although it’s hardly a juicy story that someone would make up) but don’t say I’ve changed details when I blatantly haven’t.

In what capacity do you work with the teen, and who have you reported this man to?

I don’t want to say what my job is and I reported it through the correct channels and in person to her social worker as I am in contact with them.

Obviously due to her past and vulnerability, anything even quite small gets logged, so I would have logged my concern over the new boyfriend regardless of age and looks.
It’s not necessarily saying it’s a bad thing - just to keep an eye out for any changes in behaviour etc.

I have not officially reported his age or looks as obviously some people take this very personally (as can be seen on here).

I am also closer to his age than I am to the social worker and other women around me, so I don’t want to lose my job over it if I am seen as ageist.

Why dosent netmums duck off keeping on about age gaps it's crazy and none of anyones business.

You wouldn't be allowed to make racist remarks etc so why keep commenting on age gaps.its almost becoming a haye thing.

@Noteverybodylives you say you don't want to be seen as ageist but you certainly are. The fact you are a a teacher, I'm surprised on your views and how much you are interesting in their life.

You base your accusations on looks and ages, you really do not seem a nice person. I hope your school do not find out about your posting.

Thank you!

You base your accusations on looks and ages,

I’ve not denied that at all which is exactly why one not logged my concerns because I feel I would be sacked over it.

I’ve never had an issue with age gaps or looks before but when one person is much older and much less attractive and is with someone much younger and more attractive - there is usually something else at play, usually money.

This relationship does not sit well with me even though it is based mainly on looks and age, which I acknowledge sounds very wrong.

I started this thread for the very reason that I wondered if my knowledge of the background was clouding my judgement or if it set off red flags for anyone else.

The majority of posters have said they wouldn’t see this as a red flag and I’ve accepted that.

I definitely haven’t lied or changed my story though.

You wouldn't be allowed to make racist remarks etc so why keep commenting on age gaps.its almost becoming a haye thing.

I think if someone had met someone from a different country and they were moving in together and trying to have a baby etc very fast then posters would say there was red flags - it wouldn’t be racist.

There was one the other day about a women meeting a Turkish man on holiday.
Everyone said he was just after her money and that wasn’t a racist thing to say because it was true.

If I came on here and said I don’t agree with age gaps over X amount then fair enough but I’ve not said that.

It’s literally this specific man that I have an issue with.

I know I’m being judgemental which is why I haven’t flagged up my concerns in RL yetI

f I do raise a concern I will mention

I think this is another reason why I haven’t flagged it up yet because how do you say things like this in RL

Of course I have raised concerns over a new man entering the house of a vulnerable teen but I cannot report the fact he’s younger and good looking as a concern and going by the replies on here I would be at risk of losing my job if I did as I would be labelled all sorts.

I’ve logged a report about the new man which I would have done anyway for someone like he

and I reported it through the correct channels and in person to her social worker as I am in contact with them.

anything even quite small gets logged, so I would have logged my concern

These are all different snippets of your posts over less than 24 hours. What's true? You've reported or not? Who to?

Also, what kind of company employs a 14 year old with the mental capacity of a 10/11 yesr old? I've asked the question before, which was ignored - do you work with the young lady as in you're colleagues or work with her as in she's some kind of patient, pupil, service user or client?

I'm hugely concerned that you may working in an educational or mental health capacity with this vulnerable young lady.

@catell01 I remeber seeing seeing one of the OPs posts recently she works in a school. That is concerning to me with these views.

Thank you. Could be dinner lady or head teacher. Regardless of occupation, I'm not sure if I'm more worried that this might be at least partially true or if she's a complete fantatist.

These are all different snippets of your posts over less than 24 hours. What's true? You've reported or not? Who to?

Instead if trying to catch me out why don’t you read what you have just posted.

I’ll repeat it.
Try and read it very slowly so you understand it:

Yes I have logged my concerns that there was a new boyfriend and that he is living in the family home.

No I have not raised any official concerns over his age.

Does that make sense to you?

Yes I am a qualified teacher (probably why my safeguarding alarm is slightly better than PPs) but I am not working in a role as a teacher currently.

I do not work with this girl. She doesn’t have a job.

I remeber seeing seeing one of the OPs posts recently she works in a school. That is concerning to me with these views.

What a completely fucked up thing to say!
Seriously are you ok?

You think that my views are concerning because I am worried about a vulnerable child’s mum’s new boyfriend and what his intentions are???

Surely it should be the complete opposite!

Yes my safeguarding head maybe in overdrive due to the background of it all but surely you would want someone to be over cautious than be completely blind to a potential red flag??

It’s fair enough telling me that I am overthinking this completely and you see no red flags but saying my gut feeling is concerning is very, very fucked up.

Haha, seriously? Catch you out? Are you 14 with a mental capacity of an 10 year old too??

Did I suggest anything in my last post about reporting his age? No, I said you keep changing your story about whether you've logged/reported anything at all. Go ahead and imply I'm thick and can't read (I'm gutted you have such a low opinion of me, I might just go cry). But, in my humble, ignorant, low intellectual opinion, if you can't keep your story straight, go find yourself another hobby. Trying to catfish MNers is obviously too big a task for you

OP - surely you must realise that you left pretty much every single relevant point out of your opening post?

Also, we see all saying that if this scenario is real, there are plenty of red flags - so fuck off with your ^"my safeguarding alarm is slightly better than PPs", and your claims that we've all said there are no concerns.

Because if this is real, that's not what we're saying at all.

I'm also a "qualified teacher", and former probation officer who worked specifically with sex offenders, mostly child sex offenders, so I'd say my safeguarding alarm is at least equal to yours.

Based on what you have said I'm seeing your personal bias, and not much else. You've said that there has been zero indication of anything actually happening. All you are basing it on is his looks and their age gap. That's actually really unfair.

We all have a duty to safeguard vulnerable people, but stereotyping, and allowing your personal bias to influence your professional judgement is wrong.

You admit there is no indicator that would raise a legitimate concern. You are doing everyone, including the service user, a disservice, to let your bias and opinions about appearance and age gaps influence you to this extent.

Unless you HEAR about or SEE something that indicates a risk of harm, you need to leave this alone. So far it's all in your head - and that is a concern in itself.

Not one person has said they don't see red flags with the situation you finally, slowly described. Not one. However, everyone sees different reasons for the red flags than you and have different opinions to you on why concerns should be highlighted.

the way you've presented the 'story' makes you seem disingenuous, unbelievable, inconsistent and a little bit weird, tbh.

I don't know what role you play in this family's life but whatever it is, if I were mum, I'd want you out of it and reported

Haha, seriously? Catch you out? Are you 14 with a mental capacity of an 10 year old too??

Wow what a vile thing to say!!

Are you seriously trying to make fun of a child who I’ve told you has a mental age of 10, has been SA in the past and that I’m concerned for her welfare - that is horrendous!

I know for fact you are a troll now as I genuinely don’t believe anyone is that vile.

You say I’ve changed my story yet can’t pinpoint exactly where.