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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Big age gap. Is it love or a red flag?

228 replies

Noteverybodylives · 10/10/2022 19:13

I will stay as neutral as possible as I genuinely want peoples true opinions.

Person A and person B are in a relationship.

Person A is young, very good looking, has a good body and has 1 young child.

Person B is not good looking, does not have a good body and has a teenager and older child.

Why would person A want to be with person B?

Person A could have their pick but has chosen person B who would struggle to find anyone half decent.

Person B is not rich.

What could it be?
Could it actually be love or do your alarm bells start ringing?

YABU - of course it’s probably love.
YANBU - no it sounds like something other than love.

OP posts:
Alopeciabop · 10/10/2022 19:51

Still totally depends on personality and their interaction. Totally normal to see two mismatched people on whatever front (height, age, weight, humour, etc) and wonder. Don’t think it makes you a bad person. But I mean is he an interesting person? Is he charming? Is he wise? Is he old Michael Douglas with a cane or is he someone boring with no life experience and nothing to say for himself?

Sapphire387 · 10/10/2022 19:51

I suppose the question is - why are you so concerned / how does it affect you?

Marluuu · 10/10/2022 19:56

I think this needs much more information…Where/how have they met, what’s their relationship dynamics, how do their values match etc

Original poster
Noteverybodylives · 10/10/2022 19:58

Yet the title of your post is "Big age gap. Is it love or a red flag?"

So what exactly is your issue here?

Sorry it’s not the ages that are the issue - it’s not some young teen that’s been groomed.

It’s the age gap, as well as the obvious physical differences.

Person A could possibly get many attractive partners, yet has gone with someone who is not attractive at all.

I know I sound like such a bitch but something just doesn’t sit right with me.

But no poster has said that it could be anything suspicious so it’s probably just me over thinking things.

OP posts:
FuzzyPuffling · 10/10/2022 20:01

Is it your dad with a new girlfriend?.

catell01 · 10/10/2022 20:07

Sorry if this comes across abrupt or rude but I still don't get it. What are these people to you or are you truly an outsider as you profess? Family member, patient, close friend? Let's forget age and physical appearance (and you've already said it's not a money thing so not a gold digger/sugar daddy scenario - and even if it was, still nobody's business) so why on earth has it got to 'sit right' with you? Unless you feel one of them lacks the mental capacity to choose to be in the relationship and are somehow being taken advantage of, I don't see what possible concern it can/should be to you

Anonymous48 · 10/10/2022 20:07

Noteverybodylives · 10/10/2022 19:58

Yet the title of your post is "Big age gap. Is it love or a red flag?"

So what exactly is your issue here?

Sorry it’s not the ages that are the issue - it’s not some young teen that’s been groomed.

It’s the age gap, as well as the obvious physical differences.

Person A could possibly get many attractive partners, yet has gone with someone who is not attractive at all.

I know I sound like such a bitch but something just doesn’t sit right with me.

But no poster has said that it could be anything suspicious so it’s probably just me over thinking things.

Gotcha. It's not the actual ages, it's the difference in ages.

But, yes, I think you're being unreasonable. An age difference and a physical attractiveness difference (although, of course, beauty is in the eye of the beholder) shouldn't be red flags. Who are these people to you that make you so concerned?

Original poster
Noteverybodylives · 10/10/2022 20:10

Sorry if this comes across abrupt or rude but I still don't get it. What are these people to you or are you truly an outsider as you profess? Family member, patient, close friend?

I know it’s frustrating and I hate when OPs beat around the bush but I think if I said who I am/how I know them it would sway posters opinions and I’m genuinely wanting unbiased opinions.

So far no one sees any red flags in it so I guess I am being unreasonable.

OP posts:
Spendernone · 10/10/2022 20:14

When I say good body - they are both quite slim but person A is gym fit and would not be ashamed to show off their body and enjoy it, whilst person B has a permanent humpback and walks hunched over with a cane - not bring nasty but just trying to give more detail.

wow, I'm not sure how to reply to this but that! You really are not a nice person.

Many years ago, I worked with someone in disability support at large organisation. They were in a wheel chair and paralysed from the waist down. Alot older than me too I fell for them big time, huge personality interesting and we got on brilliant. I made every effort to spend time with them, they then told me they were married and I cooled it down. Sorry but you are ABVU.

Helpyou · 10/10/2022 20:16

But normally you get opinions (which you've had) so we now need more context. Who are they? How do you know them?

Vapeyvapevape · 10/10/2022 20:17

Is the older person vulnerable in any way ?

Vapeyvapevape · 10/10/2022 20:20

Helpyou · 10/10/2022 20:16

But normally you get opinions (which you've had) so we now need more context. Who are they? How do you know them?

Yes , more info would be useful, not necessarily your relationship with these people (although that could have a bearing on your opinion) but have they been married before/ in an abusive relationship previously, how did they meet?

Original poster
Noteverybodylives · 10/10/2022 20:23

Is the older person vulnerable in any way

Yess they are physically disabled and probably has some MH issues, although I don’t know if there’s an actual diagnosis.

They are also a single parent and (again not being rude) physically not very attractive.

My thinking is that if someone young and attractive shows them attention they are going to feel more flattered than the average person and therefore may put up with things that an average person wouldn’t.

But I wonder what’s in it for the younger, more attractive one.

OP posts:
Original poster
Noteverybodylives · 10/10/2022 20:24

And yes the older one has been in at least one abusive relationship before and aren’t very good at seeing red flags or having any self confidence to do anything about it - I think they’re desperate for affection and will probably put up with most things.

OP posts:
Vapeyvapevape · 10/10/2022 20:27

Thats a bit of a drip feed - you could have put that in your first post 🙄

Jazzandblues · 10/10/2022 20:27

It's attachment issues. I would guess person A has has some issues in the past. Person b whilst could be amazing, I would guess probably just provides comfort to person as well as being very infatuated with them. It's not healthy.

0pheIiaBalls · 10/10/2022 20:28

I'm 12 years older than DH. We met when he was 20 and I was 32. I was a single mother who had previously been in an abusive relationship and had MH issues, and a couple of years later would become disabled.

We've been together for 20 years and he's the absolute love of my life.

Original poster
Noteverybodylives · 10/10/2022 20:29

Thats a bit of a drip feed - you could have put that in your first post

As I said I wanted completely unbiased opinions.

The younger one may also be vulnerable or have had abusive relationships but I don’t know their past enough and so it seemed unfair to just mention one and not the other.

OP posts:
catell01 · 10/10/2022 20:32

OK, I get that you don't want to 'out' yourself by giving more detail but I'm guessing they are not thar close to you if you are only guessing that they may have MH issues.

It's hard to give advice without more detail though so all I can say is, if you think it's your place to do so, always be there if they need to talk to you, giving them a safe place to go without fear of ridicule or judgement, be there if it all goes wrong with tea, biscuits and a shoulder to cry on. If it's truly a serious safeguarding issue, maybe report it to social services and report someone vulnerable is potentially being taken advantage of or, if these are just people you vaguely know, you're only mildly interested in what's really going on and gossiping about it, then maybe just take a step back and let it runs it's course

Vapeyvapevape · 10/10/2022 20:34

The opinions you got from your first post weren't based on the full facts , so not really unbiased.

SunscreenCentral · 10/10/2022 20:38

Vapeyvapevape · 10/10/2022 19:25

I think you're person B

Definitely B

Azandme · 10/10/2022 20:42

I'm 16 years older than DP. I'm fat, but I suppose quite pretty.

DP is big, but beautiful. Conventionally attractive.

We adore each other.

IDespairOfTheHumanRace · 10/10/2022 20:43

This is one of the most horrible, judgemental and intrusive posts I have ever had the misfortune to read on this forum - ugh!! Your description of person B is disgusting in the extreme - dismissive, rude and destructive. Unbelievable.

MangyInseam · 10/10/2022 20:44

Who knows, there isn't much information in your post.

Physical attraction is funny, so you can't assume that one person being older and more plain makes a difference.

It sounds like person A has a child so is old enough to make decisions. As is person B.

If you are suggesting person B is being exploited by a predatory person A, that could be true, but you would really need to spend some time with them to see, IMO.

Oysterbabe · 10/10/2022 20:44

What motive do you suspect? If it's not money then presumably they just like eachother.