Page 5 | Assault whilst in school

Worriedschoolmum · 2022-10-10T17:36:24+00:00

My 7yo has been sexually assaulted in school by another child. Not a mistake. The school has confirmed this but then told me it has been dealt with and that’s it. Ive been told for information purposes. I’ve asked for a meeting and for the children to be separated but no reply. What do I do now? My child is safe and seems quite calm about this. They acted admirably. No idea who the other child is or their background. It’s seems to have been dismissed given they are children but I’m not happy. If I grabbed another persons groin in work I’m sure I would be disciplined, if not sacked. Im going in tomorrow to speak to the safeguarding lead but what else can I do?

DelphiniumBlue · 10/10/2022 21:37

I was working in a school about 5 years ago where there was a similar incident (actually repeated incidents), but same thing, in class, under the table. Eventually some of the girls who had been affected ( there were several) told me, and I then reported it to safeguarding lead. The parents were all informed, and had meetings with SLT within a few days.
There were concerns that the boy was being abused himself, and there were investigations into this, SS and Police involved etc.
However, I was really shocked that as far as I knew NO steps were taken to protect the girls or to support them. A few weeks later I saw one of them actually partnered with the boy on a school trip, and the adults in charge did not know of the issue. It seems that the school operated a "need to know" policy, but did not consider that the adults in charge of these children needed to know about it! The school was only bothered about the perpetrator, and on more than one occasion after the incident I had to intervene to get the girls away from him.

Can I suggest that you personally make sure that all the adults who deal with your DD in the school are told. The SLT may well tell you that it is confidential and should not be discussed, so you may want to do that immediately, maybe before you speak to them.Make sure that DD's teacher, any TAs or other adults who take her class know what has happened. Make it clear why you are telling them, that she is to be kept away from him. Tell your DD that she is not to sit next to him or partner him, and rehearse what she should say if she is told to do so by an adult at the school ( eg supply/cover teacher.Tell her specifically that she is not allowed.
I'm really sorry to have to say all this, it shouldn't have to be on you or your DD to put the appropriate boundaries in place, but I don't think you can rely on the school to do it for you. They are dealing with competing interests, you are only dealing with your daughter's best interests.
Can I say, I think it is appalling that you got to hear about this via an email, and that no one from the school has spoken to you yet.
I hope DD is OK.

PaperLanterns · 10/10/2022 21:42

The school need to know they’ve handled it badly. It might be something they’ve not come across before and you are more than within your rights to refuse this child shares a class with your DC. If the head won’t have a conversation, escalate it to governors. It’s probably a case of new waters for school and they didn’t know how to handle it.

Hope DC is okay.

Trainham · 10/10/2022 21:51

So sorry this has happen.There should be a designated person /s in school who deal with child protection . They should have spoken in person to you. find out who it is and email or write a letter - make sure you have a paper trail and cc head,chair of governors . If no response phone ss because school should have done that to raise your concern .Have school done a risk assessment re other child and put it in place.

Pumperthepumper · 10/10/2022 21:56

PaperLanterns · 10/10/2022 21:42

The school need to know they’ve handled it badly. It might be something they’ve not come across before and you are more than within your rights to refuse this child shares a class with your DC. If the head won’t have a conversation, escalate it to governors. It’s probably a case of new waters for school and they didn’t know how to handle it.

Hope DC is okay.

No, you don’t have a right to withdraw another kid from your kids class. You could ask that your own kid be isolated but they won’t be able to do that unless they’ve got spare staff kicking around (unlikely). There’s some really poor advice on this thread.

LindseyHoyleSpeaks · 10/10/2022 21:57

When that child is there in the morning, lining up with their parents, very loudly and firmly go and thank them for not allowing any further abuse to happen. Thank them for not allowing their child to touch yours, as in:

‘I’m X’s mum. I’d thank you for ensuring that little Johnny never touches my DD’s genitalia again.’

Long and loud. Loud enough that the school busybodies hear. There is zero reason for you to be complicit in the secrecy. For all you know, it’s happened to others too. Start the conversation. There’s no way I’d be cowed by the school and there’s no way I’d be on the same playground as that child’s parent and not confront them.

Splinter2022 · 10/10/2022 22:00

Call Children’s’ Services and report. Please do this as my 12 year old DD was sexually assaulted (indecently touched repeatedly) by another pupil whilst in school and the school lied to me saying they’d reported to Children’s’ Services and the Police when they hadn’t. The case was reopened last year (7 years on) and the other child now has a record on his DBS. He was 2 years older than my DD.

At the time, I did write to the Board of Governors but they closed ranks.

Please report yourself and don’t trust the school to follow their own Safeguarding policy.

Pumperthepumper · 10/10/2022 22:01

LindseyHoyleSpeaks · 10/10/2022 21:57

When that child is there in the morning, lining up with their parents, very loudly and firmly go and thank them for not allowing any further abuse to happen. Thank them for not allowing their child to touch yours, as in:

‘I’m X’s mum. I’d thank you for ensuring that little Johnny never touches my DD’s genitalia again.’

Long and loud. Loud enough that the school busybodies hear. There is zero reason for you to be complicit in the secrecy. For all you know, it’s happened to others too. Start the conversation. There’s no way I’d be cowed by the school and there’s no way I’d be on the same playground as that child’s parent and not confront them.

How do you know who his parents are?

What if the mother is also being sexually abused and she suffers the consequence of that?

What if you say it to the wrong parents?

Parkingmoan1 · 10/10/2022 22:21

LindseyHoyleSpeaks · 10/10/2022 21:57

When that child is there in the morning, lining up with their parents, very loudly and firmly go and thank them for not allowing any further abuse to happen. Thank them for not allowing their child to touch yours, as in:

‘I’m X’s mum. I’d thank you for ensuring that little Johnny never touches my DD’s genitalia again.’

Long and loud. Loud enough that the school busybodies hear. There is zero reason for you to be complicit in the secrecy. For all you know, it’s happened to others too. Start the conversation. There’s no way I’d be cowed by the school and there’s no way I’d be on the same playground as that child’s parent and not confront them.

This.

Abuse thrives in secrecy.

BornBlonde · 10/10/2022 22:26

I'm so sorry. Can you contact the NSPCA for advice?

isittheholidaysyet · 10/10/2022 22:28

How do you know who his parents are?

What if the mother is also being sexually abused and she suffers the consequence of that?

What if you say it to the wrong parents?

Surely you know the parents of the kids in your kid's class?
I've always seen them morning and night for school run. Been to parties with them. Watched school concerts and services with them. Waited at parent's evening with them.
There are always one or two who don't come to school much, but you know who they are because they are the ones you don't see often.

Pumperthepumper · 10/10/2022 22:38

isittheholidaysyet · 10/10/2022 22:28

How do you know who his parents are?

What if the mother is also being sexually abused and she suffers the consequence of that?

What if you say it to the wrong parents?

Surely you know the parents of the kids in your kid's class?
I've always seen them morning and night for school run. Been to parties with them. Watched school concerts and services with them. Waited at parent's evening with them.
There are always one or two who don't come to school much, but you know who they are because they are the ones you don't see often.

No, i work full time so have no idea who most of the parents in my kids’ class are. And the ones you don’t see very often, do you know if they’re their parents rather than their grandparents or aunts or uncles who do the school run?

isittheholidaysyet · 10/10/2022 22:43

Pumper

Yes, grandparents and usually whether they are maternal or paternal.
Also step-parents and regular wider family.

We are market-town, rather than a city, but it's not that small a community.
And most people have names and photos on their WhatsApp/FB profiles. So you get to recognise people.

It's not that hard.

rainbowunicorn · 10/10/2022 22:46

DelphiniumBlue · 10/10/2022 21:37

I was working in a school about 5 years ago where there was a similar incident (actually repeated incidents), but same thing, in class, under the table. Eventually some of the girls who had been affected ( there were several) told me, and I then reported it to safeguarding lead. The parents were all informed, and had meetings with SLT within a few days.
There were concerns that the boy was being abused himself, and there were investigations into this, SS and Police involved etc.
However, I was really shocked that as far as I knew NO steps were taken to protect the girls or to support them. A few weeks later I saw one of them actually partnered with the boy on a school trip, and the adults in charge did not know of the issue. It seems that the school operated a "need to know" policy, but did not consider that the adults in charge of these children needed to know about it! The school was only bothered about the perpetrator, and on more than one occasion after the incident I had to intervene to get the girls away from him.

Can I suggest that you personally make sure that all the adults who deal with your DD in the school are told. The SLT may well tell you that it is confidential and should not be discussed, so you may want to do that immediately, maybe before you speak to them.Make sure that DD's teacher, any TAs or other adults who take her class know what has happened. Make it clear why you are telling them, that she is to be kept away from him. Tell your DD that she is not to sit next to him or partner him, and rehearse what she should say if she is told to do so by an adult at the school ( eg supply/cover teacher.Tell her specifically that she is not allowed.
I'm really sorry to have to say all this, it shouldn't have to be on you or your DD to put the appropriate boundaries in place, but I don't think you can rely on the school to do it for you. They are dealing with competing interests, you are only dealing with your daughter's best interests.
Can I say, I think it is appalling that you got to hear about this via an email, and that no one from the school has spoken to you yet.
I hope DD is OK.

The OP does not state in any of their posts that her child is a girl or that it was a boy that committed the assault so why would you assume that to be the case ?

Pumperthepumper · 10/10/2022 22:46

isittheholidaysyet · 10/10/2022 22:43

Pumper

Yes, grandparents and usually whether they are maternal or paternal.
Also step-parents and regular wider family.

We are market-town, rather than a city, but it's not that small a community.
And most people have names and photos on their WhatsApp/FB profiles. So you get to recognise people.

It's not that hard.

Still, how sure would you be to go over and say the above suggested by that poster?

isittheholidaysyet · 10/10/2022 22:48

Me. Very confident that I had the correct people.

I wouldn't do that though, as it wouldn't be the way I would deal with people.

Parkingmoan1 · 10/10/2022 22:49

I don't understand why people think it would be hard to identify the parents. OP's child has told her who the child is, it's not difficult to then identify the parents.

Parkingmoan1 · 10/10/2022 22:50

Pumperthepumper · 10/10/2022 21:32

How would you put the fear of god into them?

Show quote history

By whatever means necessary, words can be powerful.

FreddyHG · 10/10/2022 22:50

rainbowunicorn · 10/10/2022 22:46

The OP does not state in any of their posts that her child is a girl or that it was a boy that committed the assault so why would you assume that to be the case ?

Show quote history

Indeed. I was sexually assaulted in primary school by a girl of the same age grabbing crouches underneath the water at swimming pool. So you can't really presume the sexes.

Pumperthepumper · 10/10/2022 22:51

Parkingmoan1 · 10/10/2022 22:49

I don't understand why people think it would be hard to identify the parents. OP's child has told her who the child is, it's not difficult to then identify the parents.

With enough accuracy to say the above to them?

It must be easier if you’re in a small market town and you do the school run twice a day, I’m sure. Also if the majority of kids have a two-parent, non-extended family. But to accuse their kid (loudly) in front of everyone of sexual assault? I’d say you’d have to be certain.

Pumperthepumper · 10/10/2022 22:52

Parkingmoan1 · 10/10/2022 22:50

By whatever means necessary, words can be powerful.

Show quote history

Such as?

PinkFrogss · 10/10/2022 23:04

You can’t expect a 7 year old child, who may very well be the victim of abuse, to be treated like a leper by their school.

What would you like? The child placed on the sex offenders register and not allowed near a school?

You are going to get nowhere with the school if your expectations are not reasonable. Consider what the school is actually capable of doing before going in all guns blazing with impossible demands

Parkingmoan1 · 10/10/2022 23:09

PinkFrogss · 10/10/2022 23:04

You can’t expect a 7 year old child, who may very well be the victim of abuse, to be treated like a leper by their school.

What would you like? The child placed on the sex offenders register and not allowed near a school?

You are going to get nowhere with the school if your expectations are not reasonable. Consider what the school is actually capable of doing before going in all guns blazing with impossible demands

The OP hasn't said anything remotely akin to wanting the child to be treat as a leper in school.

She has already said she doesn't want a meeting with the parents.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 10/10/2022 23:15

Oh my that is awful, I'd be horrified.

The school will need to seriously monitor the other child and hopefully they report the incident to authorities who can investigate the child's home life for any signs of abuse.

KilmordenCastle · 10/10/2022 23:22

LindseyHoyleSpeaks · 10/10/2022 21:57

When that child is there in the morning, lining up with their parents, very loudly and firmly go and thank them for not allowing any further abuse to happen. Thank them for not allowing their child to touch yours, as in:

‘I’m X’s mum. I’d thank you for ensuring that little Johnny never touches my DD’s genitalia again.’

Long and loud. Loud enough that the school busybodies hear. There is zero reason for you to be complicit in the secrecy. For all you know, it’s happened to others too. Start the conversation. There’s no way I’d be cowed by the school and there’s no way I’d be on the same playground as that child’s parent and not confront them.

And what if the reason for this incident is that the child is being sexually abused at home and is copying learned behaviour? You would want all the other parents to know what the child has done and then they will tell their own children to stay away from the child? Kids can be cruel, they will whisper, tease, and probably bully the child. You could potentially be making an already awful life even worse for that child. This would be such a cruel thing to do.

I'm not saying that this incident shouldn't be taken very seriously by the school. And I'm not saying that op's child doesn't need supporting and protecting, because they definitely do. But there is a very good reason that both children are protected in situations like this.

Parkingmoan1 · 10/10/2022 23:27

And what if the reason for this incident is that the child is being sexually abused at home and is copying learned behaviour?

Then the piece of shit who has been abusing the child will know people are taking notice and they'd probably think twice about continuing to do it.