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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Assault whilst in school

157 replies

Worriedschoolmum · 10/10/2022 18:36

My 7yo has been sexually assaulted in school by another child. Not a mistake. The school has confirmed this but then told me it has been dealt with and that’s it. Ive been told for information purposes. I’ve asked for a meeting and for the children to be separated but no reply. What do I do now? My child is safe and seems quite calm about this. They acted admirably. No idea who the other child is or their background. It’s seems to have been dismissed given they are children but I’m not happy. If I grabbed another persons groin in work I’m sure I would be disciplined, if not sacked. Im going in tomorrow to speak to the safeguarding lead but what else can I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
Worriedschoolmum · 10/10/2022 19:04

I don’t want a meeting with the other child’s parents.

OP posts:
Hercisback · 10/10/2022 19:04

OP this is an awful incident and I understand emotions are very high right now.

However I think the school have acted well. They have phoned you when they were able to tell you more information about how it had been dealt with. If they phoned you earlier you'd have spent the day worrying about your DS.

It sounds like they've told you all they can about the other child. You need to be assured that your child is safe.

Clarinet1 · 10/10/2022 19:04

I don’t know all the rules on this but I think that you should get agreement on how your child and the other DC will be safeguarded going forward and that there should be consideration to given to whether the child who did this may
be experiencing something inappropriate for their and may actually also need support/protection/therapy.

AGov · 10/10/2022 19:05

As a school governor, hopefully I can help a bit with this very sorry situation - I cannot think of anything worse for the OP.

Step 1 - This is a safeguarding incident so will need to go to the Schools Designated Safeguarding Lead (DSL) which should be listed on the schools website. Ask for a meeting as a matter of urgency, take support with you (a close relative for example) if you would feel it appropriate - notify the DSL in advance. Take notes and agree them/send them to the DSL - ideally keep them brief and to the point if at all possible.

Step 2 - If you are not happy with the DSLs response, book a meeting with the Head (or include in Step 1, but probably best to go through this as a separate stage so that there is a secondary look at the situation)

Step 3 - After that meeting, if you feel you are either not fully informed as to the incident and actions, then ask to make a formal complaint to the Governors - it most cases it would be best to talk to the nominated Safe Guarding Governor (there will be one) informally with a view that if you are not satisfied to lodge a formal complaint which will be normally led by the Chair of Governors.

This is a rough roadmap, each school should have published policies on the website (or if not, you can ask for them) - Safeguarding policy and Complaints Policy are the key ones.

Finally, and as a last step, if you believe the school are sweeping the issue under the carpet, approach the Local Authority Designated Officer (LADO) at the local county council offices who will be responsible for Safeguarding across the county and can work with you and the school to hopefully a successful and satisfactory conclusion that means this will never happen again and make sure that your child is appropriately supported.

Best of Luck…

A School Gov…

Pumperthepumper · 10/10/2022 19:06

AGov · 10/10/2022 19:05

As a school governor, hopefully I can help a bit with this very sorry situation - I cannot think of anything worse for the OP.

Step 1 - This is a safeguarding incident so will need to go to the Schools Designated Safeguarding Lead (DSL) which should be listed on the schools website. Ask for a meeting as a matter of urgency, take support with you (a close relative for example) if you would feel it appropriate - notify the DSL in advance. Take notes and agree them/send them to the DSL - ideally keep them brief and to the point if at all possible.

Step 2 - If you are not happy with the DSLs response, book a meeting with the Head (or include in Step 1, but probably best to go through this as a separate stage so that there is a secondary look at the situation)

Step 3 - After that meeting, if you feel you are either not fully informed as to the incident and actions, then ask to make a formal complaint to the Governors - it most cases it would be best to talk to the nominated Safe Guarding Governor (there will be one) informally with a view that if you are not satisfied to lodge a formal complaint which will be normally led by the Chair of Governors.

This is a rough roadmap, each school should have published policies on the website (or if not, you can ask for them) - Safeguarding policy and Complaints Policy are the key ones.

Finally, and as a last step, if you believe the school are sweeping the issue under the carpet, approach the Local Authority Designated Officer (LADO) at the local county council offices who will be responsible for Safeguarding across the county and can work with you and the school to hopefully a successful and satisfactory conclusion that means this will never happen again and make sure that your child is appropriately supported.

Best of Luck…

A School Gov…

This is very vague though, specifically what will the school put in place? What would yours do?

LetMeSpeak · 10/10/2022 19:07

The rules are ridiculous and it’s going to end up with something absolutely awful to
happen for something to be done about it. Every single time when this happens with children the victim gets treated to crap and the perpetrator gets prioritised and protected.

If it is isn’t the child’s responsibility ( which I completely agree with) then what’s going to happen with the child’s parents? Who’s actually to blame for this? Or is it just “boys being boys”/ “kids being kids”

Original poster
Worriedschoolmum · 10/10/2022 19:08

Hercisback · 10/10/2022 19:04

OP this is an awful incident and I understand emotions are very high right now.

However I think the school have acted well. They have phoned you when they were able to tell you more information about how it had been dealt with. If they phoned you earlier you'd have spent the day worrying about your DS.

It sounds like they've told you all they can about the other child. You need to be assured that your child is safe.

They didn’t telephone me. They sent me a message. I replied and I haven’t had a response.

OP posts:
bellac11 · 10/10/2022 19:09

AGov · 10/10/2022 19:05

As a school governor, hopefully I can help a bit with this very sorry situation - I cannot think of anything worse for the OP.

Step 1 - This is a safeguarding incident so will need to go to the Schools Designated Safeguarding Lead (DSL) which should be listed on the schools website. Ask for a meeting as a matter of urgency, take support with you (a close relative for example) if you would feel it appropriate - notify the DSL in advance. Take notes and agree them/send them to the DSL - ideally keep them brief and to the point if at all possible.

Step 2 - If you are not happy with the DSLs response, book a meeting with the Head (or include in Step 1, but probably best to go through this as a separate stage so that there is a secondary look at the situation)

Step 3 - After that meeting, if you feel you are either not fully informed as to the incident and actions, then ask to make a formal complaint to the Governors - it most cases it would be best to talk to the nominated Safe Guarding Governor (there will be one) informally with a view that if you are not satisfied to lodge a formal complaint which will be normally led by the Chair of Governors.

This is a rough roadmap, each school should have published policies on the website (or if not, you can ask for them) - Safeguarding policy and Complaints Policy are the key ones.

Finally, and as a last step, if you believe the school are sweeping the issue under the carpet, approach the Local Authority Designated Officer (LADO) at the local county council offices who will be responsible for Safeguarding across the county and can work with you and the school to hopefully a successful and satisfactory conclusion that means this will never happen again and make sure that your child is appropriately supported.

Best of Luck…

A School Gov…

LADO work with allegations about adults who work with vulnerable clients (children or adults).

They would have no involvement in this situation.

Hercisback · 10/10/2022 19:10

Ahh OK sorry I thought they had phoned you. In that case I'd be upset no one spoke to you.

LetMeSpeak · 10/10/2022 19:12

Worthyornot · 10/10/2022 18:57

I would be demanding a meeting with the other child's parents.

Of course that’s never going to happen as the perpetrator and the parents need to “be protected”. They better hope this doesn’t get around to other parents.

Rocketclub · 10/10/2022 19:13

Worriedschoolmum · 10/10/2022 18:48

Thank you. I know as the child is under 10 there is no criminal responsibility. I also
understand their potential vulnerability to think this is acceptable. My child has named the child involved. I’ve asked for an immediate meeting and safeguarding information but I am still very angry that my poor child has been violated in what should be a safe space. And that I was told by email!

This put a formal
complaint in writing

about all of it

why didn’t they keep your child safe?
what counselling and therapy are they providing for your child and you?
how are they ensuring it doesn’t happen again - this is the biggest for me - have they removed the other child from the school

log it with the police as well

GiggleWhale · 10/10/2022 19:14

I don't fully understand what has happened.

Are you saying that another child, 7 or under, has deliberately grabbed your child's genitals? Was your child clothed? How do you know it was a deliberate act, and what happened proceeding this?

GiggleWhale · 10/10/2022 19:15

Your child may not need counselling or therapy - they may cope with it without being traumatised, but clearly this does depend on your reaction as well I am afraid.

What has your child said about it?

ASchoolGov · 10/10/2022 19:16

Depending on the nature and circumstances of the situation, the DSL would decide on the best course of action - this may range from a course of discussions, formal discipline (exclusion, suspension), and everything in between.

It would be impossible and inappropriate to say what our school would do without background and specifics, but clearly those with responsibility to deal with this situation should respond proportionately.

Clearly sexual assault, context and circumstances considered, has the potential to be as serious as it gets.

A good DSL will give you a full briefing and their proposed plan, but there is no way you should accept being fobbed off. Hence escalation through the published process is vital so that you get the incident dealt with to your satisfaction.

I hope your child is supported and no lasting issues arise.

MrsSchrute · 10/10/2022 19:16

bellac11 · 10/10/2022 19:09

LADO work with allegations about adults who work with vulnerable clients (children or adults).

They would have no involvement in this situation.

Show quote history

I'm also a school governor, and this is absolutely not the process where I am.

The school will have a complaints policy on their website op, follow it to the letter.

butchersshrink · 10/10/2022 19:16

This happened to me when I was 5. Another child performed oral sex on me in the school bathroom and then made me perform it on them. It came out years later the child was being abused. This was mid-nineties though and it was all brushed under the carpet very promptly.

MrsSchrute · 10/10/2022 19:17

AGov · 10/10/2022 19:05

As a school governor, hopefully I can help a bit with this very sorry situation - I cannot think of anything worse for the OP.

Step 1 - This is a safeguarding incident so will need to go to the Schools Designated Safeguarding Lead (DSL) which should be listed on the schools website. Ask for a meeting as a matter of urgency, take support with you (a close relative for example) if you would feel it appropriate - notify the DSL in advance. Take notes and agree them/send them to the DSL - ideally keep them brief and to the point if at all possible.

Step 2 - If you are not happy with the DSLs response, book a meeting with the Head (or include in Step 1, but probably best to go through this as a separate stage so that there is a secondary look at the situation)

Step 3 - After that meeting, if you feel you are either not fully informed as to the incident and actions, then ask to make a formal complaint to the Governors - it most cases it would be best to talk to the nominated Safe Guarding Governor (there will be one) informally with a view that if you are not satisfied to lodge a formal complaint which will be normally led by the Chair of Governors.

This is a rough roadmap, each school should have published policies on the website (or if not, you can ask for them) - Safeguarding policy and Complaints Policy are the key ones.

Finally, and as a last step, if you believe the school are sweeping the issue under the carpet, approach the Local Authority Designated Officer (LADO) at the local county council offices who will be responsible for Safeguarding across the county and can work with you and the school to hopefully a successful and satisfactory conclusion that means this will never happen again and make sure that your child is appropriately supported.

Best of Luck…

A School Gov…

This is not the process where I am.

Sorry, quoted the wrong person!

Original poster
Worriedschoolmum · 10/10/2022 19:17

sat at a desk, independently work, hand under desk to touch genitals. Full dressed, not that this makes it better! No idea why your questions make it acceptable?

OP posts:
ASchoolGov · 10/10/2022 19:17

Nope - that’s not correct - just google it - LADOs cover children’s welfare and also who the DSLs liaise with over safeguarding incidents.

Pumperthepumper · 10/10/2022 19:18

ASchoolGov · 10/10/2022 19:16

Depending on the nature and circumstances of the situation, the DSL would decide on the best course of action - this may range from a course of discussions, formal discipline (exclusion, suspension), and everything in between.

It would be impossible and inappropriate to say what our school would do without background and specifics, but clearly those with responsibility to deal with this situation should respond proportionately.

Clearly sexual assault, context and circumstances considered, has the potential to be as serious as it gets.

A good DSL will give you a full briefing and their proposed plan, but there is no way you should accept being fobbed off. Hence escalation through the published process is vital so that you get the incident dealt with to your satisfaction.

I hope your child is supported and no lasting issues arise.

I absolutely guarantee that a vulnerable, very young kid would not be excluded or suspended for this. This post is also very vague - clearly those with responsibility to deal with this situation should respond proportionately respond how?

NightmareSituation · 10/10/2022 19:18

This is an awful situation. I am glad your child is coping well and is able to move forward though.

What would you like to happen OP? It sounds like the school dealt with the situation quickly and let you know as soon as they had all the facts. You say yourself that your child is safe and well. The child has been formally spoken to, punished appropriately, parents informed and all support staff are aware of this incident, what would you like them to do on
top? I am not trying to be unkind as I too would be shocked and upset if it was my child. However with such young children, in an isolated incident, I don’t know what more the teachers could do in this situation.

Eupraxia · 10/10/2022 19:19

Worriedschoolmum request a risk assessment is written to protect your child from the harmful sexual behaviour of the other child.

Original poster
Worriedschoolmum · 10/10/2022 19:19

GiggleWhale · 10/10/2022 19:15

Your child may not need counselling or therapy - they may cope with it without being traumatised, but clearly this does depend on your reaction as well I am afraid.

What has your child said about it?

My reaction is very well hidden. I’m being very positive for my child.

OP posts:
GiggleWhale · 10/10/2022 19:20

@Worriedschoolmum I never said it was acceptable.

However, there's a huge difference between children running on a pitch playing a rough and tumble game and this happening, vs. undressed/unclothed children changing for sport say, vs. what you have said - there was just no context given in the first post as to what had happened before or where the situation had occurred.

Ie. In a changing room you would expect a teacher to be closely supervising, the situation you are saying has occurred is very hard to supervise closely, particularly if they were at the back of a classroom - this does not make it acceptable.

bellac11 · 10/10/2022 19:21

ASchoolGov · 10/10/2022 19:17

Nope - that’s not correct - just google it - LADOs cover children’s welfare and also who the DSLs liaise with over safeguarding incidents.

Are you talking to me

I dont need to 'google it', I work with LADO, its my job

LADO deal with investigations into providers/organisations/individuals where an allegation of harm has been made about an adult in relation to children or adults