Miserable husband never wants to do anything

[tantala]

My DH has a demanding job. He runs his own business in the hospitality industry. Early starts, late finishes. Often just one day off a week and sometimes, depending on staff shortages, not even that.

It's been this way for a long time.

On his rest days, he just wants to chill. I'm a chilled person too, so I don't mind staying home a lot.

But since we have children, it's become more tricky.

Whenever I mention doing something / seeing friends etc, he gets really negative about it. ' I guess we can, but it's not a beak for me'. Everything is a massive effort for him, I get it, but it just puts a damper on everything we do / plan to do and it just makes everything miserable, because ' it's not really a break for him '.. to go out for dinner or have family visit. Or take the kids to the playground. Everything is accompanied by a shitty attitude beforehand. Sometimes during the activity is fine, but the before ruins it for me.

I get it, he's really tired. I am too. Our children are tiny and I'm alone with them most of the time due to his schedule ( currently on Mat leave ).

I just don't know how to change it and what to do. The work situation is up and down, but it won't change. It's very much damaging our time together. I also get put off making any plans, because I know he

Well it is her problem if he cracks up and can't run the business.

I would have thought never seeing your children, spending any real time with them, alienating your wife and treating her like a single parent, and possibly losing your whole family WAS ruining your life.

Perhaps you don't.

The state of hospitality and staffing is such even Witherspoon's is closing some.
You don't have to be useless owner to have REALLY shit time now and trying to survive it before it gets bit better again 🙄
Most owners I know are on 6 days a week now

It’s irrelevant what I think, it’s what he thinks and clearly he doesn’t have an issue with it does he ?

Nobody said he was a useless owner. But at a certain point you have to make a choice...and choosing your business to the point that your wife and kids leave you is not the best choice to make.
The most likely outcome is failed business AND no family.

Oh I thoroughly disagree.

A friend of mine‘s husband is an extremely successful restauranteur to who has given his first family a lovely life and was Shagging one of his waitresses for years, has married her and he’s given her a lovely life as well I don’t think he’s needed to compromise at all.

Weather spoons, Marston's, Whitbread etc. Are all selling pubs. They haven't paid dividends since covid. Their shares are in the toilet. Here we've places only serving food Thursday to Sunday. Wales. It's terrifying.

"Not on" according to you.

Christmas , according to you , is about family. Other people have different ideas. Other than cooking on the day, I don't want to do anything at Christmas'. I'd sooner go to work than spend any part of my Christmas break with my husband's ghastly family.

I feel sorry for your husband.

Yeah 😂😂. Have seen that too. Second wife is hands on in the business though.

It may well be the same person I am saying no more 😆

My DH has a demanding job. He runs his own business in the hospitality industry. Early starts, late finishes. Often just one day off a week and sometimes, depending on staff shortages, not even that.

He needs to talk to a business advisor/mentor. Someone that can look at the business and find ways he can get time away from it to improve work:life balance without compromising the success of the business.

Talk to your Local Enterprise Partnership and see if they can recommend someone you could talk to.

I had this exact thing. I stopped asking him to spend any time with us, made plans myself with my daughter, went on holidays with her and my friend. Ended up he wouldn’t even come to the park without moaning. It’s so draining. Eventually we lived such separate lives I left him. I’ve never looked back. It’s great. Also now he sees our dd eow he actually spends time with her so win win. I loathed him by the end of it. Much happier now all round.

When I married my self employed man I was in local government. Maternity leave never went back. Took a Marketing degree at local college. Went into hospitality via conference centre, theatre, then hotel group. Then plant hire. Then various charities. I also used my skills to promote OH company we were a partnership without getting in each others hair. I did the book keeping, said when to spend when to hold. @tantala is still detached from OH business as I was when the children were tiny. My life has been an interesting roller coaster

Hospitality is often a tough game, generally. Few make it, long term. Running a pub/any eating establishment/posh restaurant. It eats many alive.

OP said her husbands business is very profitable. That's good. But it often comes at a cost.

"Alex Polizzi - Wikipedia" en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alex_Polizzi

Love this woman her hotel inspector programs etc

YOU need a break never mind him! Taking the kids out at the weekend by yourself is not a break and makes it no different to a weekday.
He wants to stay in at the weekend? Fine, stay in, make yourself a cuppa and let the kids run riot around the house. See how relaxing that is for him!

Some day your children are going to ask you: why did dad care more about his restaurant than about us?

Because that's all it comes down to. He cares more about his work than his children. And that is a really fucked up way to grow up. Your kids will not thank you for it.

If he actually cared about his children he would make an effort on his day off and he would be doing everything he can to get more time off, to the point where he would be willing to consider leaving the business (which people do all the time, I don't know why everyone accepts it's not an option).

the problem is the children arent children for long, why did he have them if he dosent want to enjoy them?

Make plans to socialise with the kids and you only. Keep it low key on his one day. If there is no change long term I think you should reconsider your relationship.

I hate posts like this. Casually suggesting children live in a broken home just because things are tough while DC are small and everyone is overworked and exhausted.

It is a tough time. It just is. It won't be less tough if you are having to pay to run two homes and you are home alone 24/7 wityh them as he becomes a resentful absent father.

How about asking him for a compromise. Every other weekend, he chills at home in PJs, but in between, he makes an effort to do stuff with you and DC.

Or cajole him , put up with the whining, then afterwards, comment that he did seem to enjoy it, and that making the effort to have fun together is worth it.

Can you discuss ways he could reduce his hours so he has more down time at home and more energy at weekends. Sorting out staffing for one.

Meantime, you do stuff with DC and see family and enjoy it. Don't let his lack of interest stop you.

A PP suggested you chat to him about how he sees his role as a parent. I suggest you ask him what his goals are as a dad - what kind of relationship does he want to have long term with them. maybe using a bit of business model thinking to get him to understand the options.

Men like this sadly all too often end up having affairs with someone they work with.

They end up spending more time with that person at work than at home with the exhausted resentful wife who has unfairly been left alone to run the home and take care of the children.

Then they play the martyr and blame the wife for being unsupportive and putting too much pressure on them.

Given how much he works if he and OP ever end up splitting then I wouldn't expect him to bother with more than a few hours one day a week contact time if he ever bothers at all.

Stacking shelves isn't comparable to 6 days a week running a business, especially hospitality.
Dp runs his own business, however, he has managed after 2-3yrs to get it to a point where he has ultimate flexibility, now probably only works 6 months of the yr. This is so he can manage his children and the household.
I on the other hand am head of a dept, I'm out of the house from 6 am -7 pm. I also work weekends on another project. The key to this arrangement working is acknowledging each other contribution and agreeing on a timescale for the relentless workload. I'm busier and have more energy than DP and I am aware he doesn't always wish to be active during his downtime or family time. So I do things on my own and with the children.

Basically, he wants you to be a SAHM and hold the fort so he can focus on being the business man. He wants his days off to be rest days just for him. He is not interested in being a family man, days out etc. Unless he can significantly reduce his hours this is not going to change and tbh I would hazard a guess that even if he did work less hours, he still wouldnt be have any enthusiasm for spending time as a family. Some men just aren't interested. Anything involving children and the house is women's work. You will need to decide if this is the life you want OP as he won't change.

Back in the day self employed men around here on their time off were to be found sailing, on the golf course, rugby club. The wives never worked, spent the money on, hair, beauty, clothes, tennis, golf. Bridge was popular. Some owned a dress shop their friends frequented. Or an antique shop. It was a strange life to my young eyes.

@goldfinchonthelawn

The main issue here isn't so much that the OP's DH is too busy tired to engage with family life and is trying and wants to be involved more, it's that he seems to have no inclination whatsoever to do so. This seems much more than things just being incredibly hectic at a busy stage of life. He seems to have no real interest in the family at all, and rebuffs any attempts to encourage him to engage.

So I don't think it's unreasonable to suggest that the OP leaves the relationship- it's not like she or the children would miss out on much at all by the sounds of it.