Miserable husband never wants to do anything

[tantala]

My DH has a demanding job. He runs his own business in the hospitality industry. Early starts, late finishes. Often just one day off a week and sometimes, depending on staff shortages, not even that.

It's been this way for a long time.

On his rest days, he just wants to chill. I'm a chilled person too, so I don't mind staying home a lot.

But since we have children, it's become more tricky.

Whenever I mention doing something / seeing friends etc, he gets really negative about it. ' I guess we can, but it's not a beak for me'. Everything is a massive effort for him, I get it, but it just puts a damper on everything we do / plan to do and it just makes everything miserable, because ' it's not really a break for him '.. to go out for dinner or have family visit. Or take the kids to the playground. Everything is accompanied by a shitty attitude beforehand. Sometimes during the activity is fine, but the before ruins it for me.

I get it, he's really tired. I am too. Our children are tiny and I'm alone with them most of the time due to his schedule ( currently on Mat leave ).

I just don't know how to change it and what to do. The work situation is up and down, but it won't change. It's very much damaging our time together. I also get put off making any plans, because I know he

When you have kids you just don't get to rest anymore especially if they're under 5. It's the way it goes.

Every mum I know works and has housework and childrearing and usually elderly parent wrangling.

They don't expect days on end to rest. A couple of hours is often the most they get.

Some men seem to believe they deserve to opt out of this. What makes them so special? I guarantee they're not working harder.

i know childrearing is harder than most forms of work (particularly in offices) and don't allow anyone to tell me otherwise.

OP, only your DH can change his attitude and it sounds like you’ve already communicated your frustrations and are being ignored or shut down with super crappy excuses such as “it’s how my mother did it…” which is completely irrelevant as yours and his relationship and family is unique and not a carbon of his parents’. It’s a rubbish, lazy excuse.

I think you need to be frank with him. Tell him you accept the status quo at present and will crack on with living life and giving the children the family experiences they deserve. He can rest quietly at home. If he chooses to opt in, great. But you cannot guarantee that you will accept his lack of participation in the long run and it may lead to the break up of the family. Make it clear, this is not an ultimatum- you are simply telling him as it is but warning him that his choices and your choices are not currently aligned and ultimately might cost you both your marriage.

Also OP, right now with v small DC is the easier bit. When they start school and have parties and clubs and sports at the weekends and you see all the other Dads/Mums pitching up and doing their fair share, you’ll feel hugely more resentful and hurt for your DC than you already are.

Even when he had time to himself and you were away with the kids he claimed not to be rested or to have had a break. He’s a joke.

It’s clear what he wants is for you to facilitate whatever he wants, be at his beck and call, say nothing and make no demands of him (ask in him to change his own baby’s nappy shouldn’t need asking for but is apparently too much for him) and leave him to do as he pleases.

Three weeks off work at Christmas and a request to visit family for a few days during that is not even softly onerous. He has so much downtime during that period, especially as he chooses to do fuck Al for his family.

I don’t honestly know how you’re putting up with it. He sounds genuinely foul.

Slightly. Not softly.

Possibly harder with his work shifts but I try to plan a bigger thing each month. I like going away as I work from home a lot and want a change of scenery. Husband is out of the house a lot so just wants to relax here!

We also live a fair way from 'stuff' so means a reasonable journey there and back.

I find if I have one bigger thing I'm okay with quiet weekends for the rest. Husband sometimes comes, sometimes doesn't. I work less days and get more leave so it is easier for me to go with just the kids sometimes or to meet up with family/friends.

I am a camper so through the good months I go away that way. In lesser months I book bargain caravans or a cheap premier Inn.

Could you come up with an agreement that he gets some weekends for a chill, wander to park etc and others that you do something a bit different?

The problem you have is that your husband is a moaner, a fun sponge and quite mean-spirited. If he isn't having fun, he doesn't want anyone else to be having fun either. If he's having a hard time, he wants to make sure that you're all right there sharing it with him. Hence his annoyance If he's not helping and you sidestep him and hire help in or get family to come and help.

I get being busy and I get needing a break. My DH and I often argue about this. He works long hours and is never home during the week so I do almost everything then. After late nights at work sometimes he struggles to get up to do family stuff at the weekend and that irritates me. But we usually come up with some sort of compromise - this weekend he took our DC to their swimming-lesson and a birthday party - because opting out of family life is not an option. Neither is moaning.

In your situation, I would be tempted to be honest with him. Tell him he is a moaning, negative individual who makes family life stressful and unpleasant and, unless he changes his ways and at least STFU and stops whining constantly, you don't see a future.

I get it. My late DH had a job that meant he had little downtime and ‘needed’ it as his personal downtime. What he couldn’t get is that he actually had the same family time as everyone else, but spent it working. It was a choice, too, not because we needed it. And all his time spent working - well, that dictated my downtime too. Every has 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. You allocate some to work, some to sleep, some to chores, some to family (both nuclear and extended), some to a partner, some to friends. This will not necessarily be an even split. But if you choose to spend more time working, you can’t take that from chores, childcare or a partner unless they are onboard, because it impacts their downtime/family/friends etc split. If you make a personal decision, it impacts YOUR personal time. If you must work long hours for reasons of economy or whatever, thats different. But the adults all have to have a discussion and compromise in a way that everyone’s views AND PERSONAL DOWNTIME are equally valid.

Men have historically worked as much as required, sleep and have personal time as much as they feel good about, and then give family (including chores and childcare) any time and energy remaining. Women then work as much as practical (often less than full time), give the family as much as they need and then sleep and take as much personal time anything remaining, or the very minimum not to burn out. It’s not fair and women lose out. It’s changing, but its slow and the idea that men are entitled to as much time away from family as they individually ‘need’ and women as much as they practically ‘can’ is deeply unequal. Even the actual minutes aren’t exactly equal (because there will always be trade offs) then the approach is flawed.

I think a babysitter who actually takes the kids out to the park or something is a good idea, but he does need to spend time with his own kids too. So when they're back home he's had a proper 'rest' and can play with them.

I’ve just worked out why this thread really resonated with me. My Dad was just like your DH. He never came on hols or ate meals with us, never did family days out. He rested in front of the telly watching sport. He never watched us play sport or gave us lifts places. It was all on my DM. He was always working (at his own business). Claimed it was all for us. For as long as I can remember my DM resented him. They eventually split but only after years and years of arguing and absences and stressful times at home. When he did finally leave I was so relieved as had been wishing it for years knowing life would be better without him around. It ruined my childhood as I knew he didn’t actually want to be with us, he had a choice and he chose work/other people all the time.

OP do not let that be your DCs fate. It sucks.

It makes me laugh because I did tell him that he can spend Christmas on his own so he can get all the rest he wants ! My children and I went to stay with family for a month earlier in the year, he still complained he didn't get a rest while we were gone! He had quite a few days off to himself.

^ Hang on, so he is still miserable when he has had time all to himself?

I think this proves it’s a mental health issue doesn’t it?

Or is he one of these men that needs his wife waiting on him hand and foot to feel rested? Did he resent having to look after himself?

If it’s the latter then what is going to happen when you go back to work?

He should be very happy that he gets time off at Christmas working in hospitality!

Maybe you should point out that him hiring a decent manager (you can always find good staff if you are prepared to pay extra!) will be a lot cheaper than a divorce.

Is the business a restaurant ?
If he is working in that industry i have some sympathy, my father was a restaurant owner and he worked from 5 am to midnight 6.5 days a week, he did not want to spend his half day off seeing other people etc.
I work 6 days a week, and some of that is dealing with public, those days i come home and do not want to even speak to my family...i need time alone, rest to regroup myself and my MH really struggles if i need to go straight into socialising or dealing with family stuff.

If his business is doing as well as you seem to think it is, you need to tell him to employ some staff.

There are literally hundreds of people out there right now needing better jobs.

Then he needs to step up to the plate and start acting like a father and a husband. It’s not much of a break for you to be home with the kids, the housework, the cooking etc all week for him to then expect you to do it all again every weekend but with no change in routine.

honestly you might as well be a single mum at this rate, at least you’d get some time for fun when it was his weekend to have the children.

You are equally as entitled to a break as your husband. Don’t be a doormat for his ways.

He sounds exhausted. As someone who once worked over 70 hours a week and only had one day off, there is no way in hell I could have spent that one day off out and about with a smile on my face. I do think you are being unreasonable to expect him to be happy when he is spending his only downtime doing stuff that takes even more mental energy.

That's exactly how it works, if your business isn't doing very well and is ruining your life. At some point, you give it up and get a job instead.

Have you tried to sell hospitality business at times like this?
It's not easy at all.

While I am defending him bein tored, he does sound like he is in a mood not just because he is tored which is something he needs to work on

Who said it was? But making your family a priority over your likely failing business is.

His business is not failing though. Op clarified that earlier.

Where do some people think money come from? It's tough time in the industry and everyone is working like crazy. It was always tough on hours but now it's even worse. He is working and providing for family. That's what people do. If both parents make family priority, no one would work.

As I said though, while tired, the grumpiness sounds like a different issue that needs to be dealt with

He's working up to seven long days a wekk, and can't keep staff. That's not a buisness thats going from strength to strength.

That may be a delegation issue. Micromanaging everyone is something that can occur

There is a minimal contribution that decent parents need to make to family life... being 'present' at least some of the time and being a happy, stable influence for your children.

Any female parent who couldn't manage these things would be told to take a long hard look at their work-life balance.

How many children do you have and what was he like when you just had one? Do you also work full time and when will you go back after maternity leave?

Smart guy in hospitality I know is a computer geek. His phone, tills, computer all talk to each other. He knows to the minute what meals, drinks, orders are going out. His turnover, his VAT, payroll. All this available wherever he is.

It’s not ruining his life though is it ? It’s ruining hers. @CallTheMobWife