27 years old, parents opening my post

[Lily9915]

Hi just a brief background, I live at home with ds1 and dd2 with my mum and step dad. I was due to move out but relationship broke down. Ever since I have been trying to find appropriate housing but I am on the housing list and it’s just a waiting game. I am in no doubt denying I have debt, but I believe it to be my own problem to deal with. It’s the likes of credit cards, old debts wanting a monthly payment but of course they send letters regularly. I’ve come home from work recently to find that my letters have either been opened or even been confronted by my mum and quizzed on what the debt is and why I have it. Made to feel like a 5 year old. My step dad even took some of my letters to my mum as they arrived from the post man and told her to open them so they can find out who they’re from. Am I being unreasonable to think this is an absolute joke?? With regards to step dad I don’t really get on with him a great deal but for the sake of my mum I make the effort.

They definitely shouldn’t be opening your post.

I can understand why they are concerned though. Have you spoken to CAB or Stepchange about your debts? It might be a useful way to get on top of them, and if you can then assure your mum you are taking action she will be less likely to be tempted to read your post.

Is there anything you can do to speed up the process of finding your own place? Sounds as if the current situation isn’t working for anyone.

They definitely shouldn't be opening your post, but I can imagine that they are both at the end of their tether with you and your kids living in their home, and wondering why you can't get your own housing. Seeing debt collection letters coming in for you is probably very frustrating for them. Can't say I'd blame them if they fel that way.

@Aquamarine1029 i would agree with this but everytime I’ve mentioned moving out it causes a big issue because my mum doesn’t actually want me to leave

@UneFilleDeBelleville unfortunately not, the area my kids school is in and surrounding is very expensive private rent. I’ve asked around agencies and a lot have said unless my credit file is clean which it isn’t, I won’t be accepted. Social housing is obviously a bidding process but in high demand so it’s taking a while

It's not an absolute joke, it's parent/step parent failing to accept your status as an adult, partly because they're housing you and your children, and you don't have a relationship were you trust them enough that they know what's going on in your life. Bad situation for all of you all round.

I have an adult DC at home in your age group, and I wouldn't dream of opening their mail, and they wouldn't dream of keeping me in the dark about something that could affect me ranging from potential of bailiffs to them being silently stressed.
The contract between adult parents of adult offspring living together has to be nuanced and based on total trust and honesty to work.

@Elleherd I agree with that however I’m not sure I want them to know every detail of my life, I don’t know every detail of theirs. With regards to me keeping them in the dark, I don’t have the relationship with my stepdad to be having any kind of discussion with him about my personal life as he actually gets a kick out of it when I’m having problems. It gives him something to gossip about. Always has done. I have been honest with my mum about the fact I have debt but reassured her that I am sorting them out and that as I am 27 I would just respect it if she would let me deal with it on my own. However I do know that whatever I tell her always gets relayed to him in one way or another, so some things I just don’t bother talking about.

They are actually committing an offence under the Postal Services Act. By opening your mail it is to your detriment (it is a breach of privacy), and they have no reasonable excuse (they know you live there, the mail is addressed correctly and you are perfectly capable of opening it yourself).

It's no different to a scenario whereby you were living in shared accommodation and someone totally unrelated to you was opening your mail. Assuming you have asked them not to, you might like to point out to them that they are committing and offence, and depending on how far you want to push it, raise it with the police.

Would just like to add to this my step dad is up to his eyeballs in debt but I take this as being nothing to do with me, am I really being that unreasonable to expect the same.

I get they sound very imperfect, he's a git, and she's enmeshed.
The way you've put things sounds like you've been living at home while producing children and then the relationship broke down, trapping you all but possibly making your mum happy to have such close contact with her DD and DGC's? Is she also providing childcare while you work and theoretically saving you money?

As you have somewhere to live, that's lowering your rehousing bidding which she may not understand, and if my understanding above is correct, do you think initially they may have accidentally opened a debt letter and then gone into a total spin for their different reasoning's, about what's 'really' going on?

It's absolutely unreasonable to be opening your mail, but imo it's unreasonable to be in the situation you're in and expect your parent and step parent to turn into a different pair of people than they are to accommodate it better.
For those reasons I haven't voted either way.

@Elleherd yes she is of course happy with the close contact and with regards to childcare, no they both work so I arrange this myself.

No the first thing that made me think there was snooping was a hospital letter (clearly from the hospital) was opened even though I have been fully transparent about any hospital appointments I have had (breast clinic appointments- all fine) and honestly think this arose out of nosiness. I never said anything at the time about it but I think it began then when they thought they could start.

I don't even open letters addressed to my children now they have become teenagers. I was a bit 'meh' if you were racking up debt whilst living at their house. I would be worried about debt collectors and the like if I felt you weren't being honest, not managing minimum payments and burying your head in the sand. I was more aghast at opening the hospital letter - that is massively overstepping.

Have you always lived at home? Or did you move back in? I think it makes a difference as to how some parents treat you. Can you tall to your mother - ask her how she would like if you opened her letters?

It’s not acceptable OP but how would they react to you challenging it? If you’re living in their home it might be difficult to rock the boat, so you’ll have to consider whether or not it’s worth it.

When you say they’re letters from lenders who want a monthly payment, so you mean you’re currently not paying anything? Talk to StepChange who can help, burying your head in the sand about debt only makes it worse.

I'd be very tempted to open some of theirs just to make the point as they won't like it.

I'm going against the grain here. I would open the letters because an ex had debt coming to my house. Using MY address and this only come to light after he left my house months later.

Sorry but debt can spiral. Your lucky your mum puts you up with your children too.

Raise it with the police 😆😆😆😆 Great idea and OP will be homeless with her kids for Xmas!

@Realityloom I can appreciate the concern of which I’ve told her that I can understand why she worries about me but that I’d just respect it if she wouldn’t open my post. I’d be far more inclined to talk to her about my problems but things like this make me not want to.

And as for me being lucky for her putting me up, I have always told her im grateful for it but whenever I mention moving out this seems to cause more of an issue because she doesn’t actually want me to go, she tries to make me feel bad then and does everything to put me off telling me that I should stay put until I meet someone or that there’s no rush and I’m being hasty jumping into moving out. So it does feel like I can’t win.

@XDownwiththissortofthingX thank you as you’ve actually highlighted it is illegal which I did suspect

@Kitkatcatflap to be honest there’s a lot more with regards to lack of boundaries going on other than this. I just don’t say anything because I’m grateful for the fact I can stay here. I think my step dad fuels a lot of it he even tells my mum that I must be ‘texting a man’ and she should find out because I’ve been on my phone a fair bit 🤣 so I guess whilst I can understand the worry of my mum because I am her daughter, this has just been the final thing with the post that has angered me

they are out of order opening your post. I have adult DC and I’d never open their post. My mum is super nosy but never opens my brothers post that still goes to her house. Opening NHS letters and debt letters is especially out of order. I’d just push ahead with getting housed as soon as you can, can’t be nice living with your step dad when there are issues between you.

My mum is like this. Literally opens everyone's post it's such an invasion of privacy and actually, it's illegal. I would warn her of that. It could be anything, medical issues or whatever & you don't have to tell her anything. I've had it done to me so I know just how frustrating this is, my mum used the excuse 'oh I didn't see the top line of the letter' or some rubbish but she's always in peoples post if she's curious or doesn't recognise the envelopes. Some people don't give a crap atall do they!! You can pay for your post to be diverted have you got anywhere else safe you would prefer it to be delivered to? X

Renting a PO Box is the usual suggestion to counter this issue, but then you have the bother of informing all the usual correspondents of a change of postal address. In reality though, once the majors, like employer, NHS, housing, banking, local government, are taken care of, that usually covers 90-95% of 'important' mail.

If they are subsidizing your life and your children, you lose the right to full privacy with regards to your finances. That doesn’t mean they get to open your mail. That is illegal. They should be allowed to see your overall budget and see that you have set up a realistic plan for attaining self-sufficiency.

Tell your mum that it's illegal to open someone else's mail, even if they live in the same house, and tell her that if it ever happens again, you will have no choice but to move out with your children.
If she really doesn't want you to leave, she will stop her husband from opening any more envelopes addressed to you.
If it does happen again, it's a clear signal that you should try to move asap.

@Lily9915

Get your finances in order.
Seek advice on reducing your debt.
Do whatever it takes to pay it down.
Find a place to live.
Move.
Deal with the fallout.

Nobody is stopping you from doing any of this.