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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

27 years old, parents opening my post

133 replies

Lily9915 · 09/10/2022 01:47

Hi just a brief background, I live at home with ds1 and dd2 with my mum and step dad. I was due to move out but relationship broke down. Ever since I have been trying to find appropriate housing but I am on the housing list and it’s just a waiting game. I am in no doubt denying I have debt, but I believe it to be my own problem to deal with. It’s the likes of credit cards, old debts wanting a monthly payment but of course they send letters regularly. I’ve come home from work recently to find that my letters have either been opened or even been confronted by my mum and quizzed on what the debt is and why I have it. Made to feel like a 5 year old. My step dad even took some of my letters to my mum as they arrived from the post man and told her to open them so they can find out who they’re from. Am I being unreasonable to think this is an absolute joke?? With regards to step dad I don’t really get on with him a great deal but for the sake of my mum I make the effort.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 09/10/2022 06:41

They probably want to know what the likelihood is of bailiffs turning up at their door.

Do you have a payment plan set up?

NumptiesIncorporated · 09/10/2022 06:50

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 09/10/2022 05:07

Renting a PO Box is the usual suggestion to counter this issue, but then you have the bother of informing all the usual correspondents of a change of postal address. In reality though, once the majors, like employer, NHS, housing, banking, local government, are taken care of, that usually covers 90-95% of 'important' mail.

It's not as difficult as that.

Using Po box transfer (which admittedly is a more expensive option), you can arrange to collect mail that's addressed to both your home and to your PO box.

Having said that, it's not cheap and isn't an ideal solution for someone with financial issues already.

GloriousGlory · 09/10/2022 06:53

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 09/10/2022 02:21

They are actually committing an offence under the Postal Services Act. By opening your mail it is to your detriment (it is a breach of privacy), and they have no reasonable excuse (they know you live there, the mail is addressed correctly and you are perfectly capable of opening it yourself).

It's no different to a scenario whereby you were living in shared accommodation and someone totally unrelated to you was opening your mail. Assuming you have asked them not to, you might like to point out to them that they are committing and offence, and depending on how far you want to push it, raise it with the police.

Yeah the police will be round really quickly and I'm sure arrests will be made.

Assuming of course you live it Aidensfield.

GloriousGlory · 09/10/2022 06:57

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 09/10/2022 02:21

They are actually committing an offence under the Postal Services Act. By opening your mail it is to your detriment (it is a breach of privacy), and they have no reasonable excuse (they know you live there, the mail is addressed correctly and you are perfectly capable of opening it yourself).

It's no different to a scenario whereby you were living in shared accommodation and someone totally unrelated to you was opening your mail. Assuming you have asked them not to, you might like to point out to them that they are committing and offence, and depending on how far you want to push it, raise it with the police.

As you've got such exacting standards, it's committing an offence, not and offence as that makes no sense.

Maybe you need to improve your literacy skills?

Raindancer411 · 09/10/2022 06:57

Every time say to them it's not their place to open your letters and is not legal to do. Say the debt is being dealt with and rinse and repeat the answers each time.

If it wasn't a debt issue I would have suggested redirecting your post else where, but it's not ideal if you need that money to go towards limiting your debt.

GloriousGlory · 09/10/2022 06:58

mathanxiety · 09/10/2022 05:57

@Lily9915

Get your finances in order.
Seek advice on reducing your debt.
Do whatever it takes to pay it down.
Find a place to live.
Move.
Deal with the fallout.

Nobody is stopping you from doing any of this.

This

Whydidimarryhim · 09/10/2022 07:05

Hi op can you move to online stuff only with some of these letters.
What a t… your step father is - he’s fuelling your mother - she’s reacting to this or she’s scared of him or she is controlling.
Do you have children?
If not could you do a house share? You need to separate your life - your mothers anxiety’s are her own. Is she controlling?

AnnaMagnani · 09/10/2022 07:11

Open online accounts for everything and go paperfree.

Autumnisclose · 09/10/2022 07:13

The trouble is your debt is impacting them.You've said yourself you can't privately rent as you don't have a clean credit record so you won't be able to rent. Waiting for social housing will take years

I think you need to be honest with them about how much debt you are in and how that means you can't rent. They need to have their expectations set on how long you will be living with them. It sounds as though your step dad is a bit of an arse as well which is not making this a long term plan. Have you tried to privately rent? Would your mum and step dad be your guarantor to help you secure a tenancy ?

Autumnisclose · 09/10/2022 07:16

@Whydidimarryhim the OP days in the second line of her first post that she has two children.

girlmom21 · 09/10/2022 07:18

Would your mum and step dad be your guarantor to help you secure a tenancy ?

The OP said they're in debt themselves.

It's strange that you've called out another poster for not reading properly when you've done the same yourself.

RagzRebooted · 09/10/2022 07:21

The paot thing is out of order, but I I'm more shocked that your mother said you should stay there until you meet someone! Either she is expecting you to move in with a new guy with your children far too soon, or she's wanting you to stay for years.

Norriscolesbag · 09/10/2022 07:22

How bad is your debt? If you have no CCJs/ IVAs or Bankruptcies it should come back ok on a credit check for a rental. I don’t think defaults and late payments tend to show up on a basic check.

Secondly, I do feel empathy for them opening your post if you have bad debt and live in their property. In their shoes I wouldn’t want bailiffs at the door etc and I’d want to be prewarned. I still open my ex’s post (he’s the type who won’t change his address) and check his credit file to ensure he’s keeping up with his payments (he is still on the mortgage even though I pay it) as I don’t want to have any nasty surprises at the door. I really wish I didn’t have to do this.

GloriousGlory · 09/10/2022 07:23

Lily9915 · 09/10/2022 04:18

@XDownwiththissortofthingX thank you as you’ve actually highlighted it is illegal which I did suspect

Good luck with prosecution, it'll mean you have to move out I'm sure.

GloriousGlory · 09/10/2022 07:28

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 09/10/2022 02:21

They are actually committing an offence under the Postal Services Act. By opening your mail it is to your detriment (it is a breach of privacy), and they have no reasonable excuse (they know you live there, the mail is addressed correctly and you are perfectly capable of opening it yourself).

It's no different to a scenario whereby you were living in shared accommodation and someone totally unrelated to you was opening your mail. Assuming you have asked them not to, you might like to point out to them that they are committing and offence, and depending on how far you want to push it, raise it with the police.

Totally different scenario to a house share, I don't understand how you can't see that.

The main difference being that the parents can evict the OP immediately as she's literally a guest in their home. If she had a contract for shared ownership then her landlord would need to serve notice if they wanted her to leave.

Being homeless with two children is not a good situation to be in.

Rumplestrumpet · 09/10/2022 07:30

It's a tough situation OP but I think realistically you're not gonna change them or convince them.

The best you can do is politely but firmly remind them it's not their place to open your mail, and focus on moving out. The situation is toxic and probably not healthy for your kids. That means working really hard to sort out your financial situation so you can move out - house share with others if need be.

Good luck

Original poster
Lily9915 · 09/10/2022 07:31

I have set up minimum payments with all of these recently. There is about 5 debts of a few hundred each. And I have done irresponsible lending to a couple of them. I am trying. With regards to can I private rent, it’s not just my credit file being the issue. There is nothing in my budget within the area or surrounding of my children’s school. I’d rather not have to move so far that they have to move schools.

I contribute to the household bills and I buy my own food for me and my children.

OP posts:
lannistunut · 09/10/2022 07:33

They shouldn't open your post but your debts do affect them as a) it affects your ability to move out or contribute whilst living there and b) your credit rating affects their credit rating whilst you share a home.

Endlesssummer2022 · 09/10/2022 07:33

I personally would not want my address to be linked to debts, CCJs etc. It would worry me a lot.

I’m sorry but you should leave. If private rent is too expensive you should move somewhere cheaper. This is unfair in your mother.

Strugglingtodomybest · 09/10/2022 07:33

I can't believe how many people are defending your parents. It's illegal. It's a huge invasion of your privacy, and it certainly doesn't help you to build trust with them.

Unfortunately, unless you're prepared to take the nuclear option, there isn't much you can do if they won't respect your wishes.

Peeeas · 09/10/2022 07:40

Can you list out the exact amount of each debt and the interest rate on each? It sounds like that would be a good exercise to confront exactly what you owe and form a proper plan - if it's a few hundred here and there then you should be able to tackle it.

If you post your list on the money board, you'll get some good advice re snowballing your debt etc to help pay down asap

Dave20 · 09/10/2022 07:41

Whilst I agree they shouldn’t be opening your mail, I can understand why they’re concerned. You have debt collection agency letters to you coming to their house. Bailiffs would potentially come and remove assets from their property, because you’re registered as living there.

Have you seen such tv shoes as Can’t pay- well take it away ? Debtors can have a habit of letting things get out of control.

Im not saying you’re irresponsible and they shouldn’t be opening your mail, but I get why.

Endlesssummer2022 · 09/10/2022 07:43

Strugglingtodomybest · 09/10/2022 07:33

I can't believe how many people are defending your parents. It's illegal. It's a huge invasion of your privacy, and it certainly doesn't help you to build trust with them.

Unfortunately, unless you're prepared to take the nuclear option, there isn't much you can do if they won't respect your wishes.

What is the ‘nuclear option’? OP is not in a position of strength here at all. In fact she seems rather passive. In her last post she blames the lender for ‘irresponsible lending’. This is not taking ownership of the problem.

It doesn’t sound as though the money was for essential items. You can’t run up debts with multiple lenders in someone’s house and expect them to be cool with it. The parents probably don’t trust OP to handle the debts because she’s put her head in the sand for so long and is only getting around now to setting out minimum payments.

If it were were me and it was a few grand, I’d be looking for weekend or Christmas season hospitality to kill the debt off asap, not a direct debit of x min a month over years.

rageapplied · 09/10/2022 07:43

How are you going to pay your bills as well as service your debt if you are allocated a council house?

mountainsunsets · 09/10/2022 07:51

While their behaviour is wrong I totally get why they're so frustrated with you and your finances.

They're not only housing their adult daughter, but also two school-age grandchildren. That's not an easy position for them be in, especially if they know that kicking you out would make their grandchildren homeless.

I think you all need to sit down and have a frank and honest conversation. You say you feel like a child but in many respects you're still behaving like a child - living at home with your parents bailing you out and relying on them to keep a roof over your head.