27 years old, parents opening my post

[Lily9915]

Hi just a brief background, I live at home with ds1 and dd2 with my mum and step dad. I was due to move out but relationship broke down. Ever since I have been trying to find appropriate housing but I am on the housing list and it’s just a waiting game. I am in no doubt denying I have debt, but I believe it to be my own problem to deal with. It’s the likes of credit cards, old debts wanting a monthly payment but of course they send letters regularly. I’ve come home from work recently to find that my letters have either been opened or even been confronted by my mum and quizzed on what the debt is and why I have it. Made to feel like a 5 year old. My step dad even took some of my letters to my mum as they arrived from the post man and told her to open them so they can find out who they’re from. Am I being unreasonable to think this is an absolute joke?? With regards to step dad I don’t really get on with him a great deal but for the sake of my mum I make the effort.

[gogohmm]

No it's not acceptable but you have 2 kids and live with them, they still see you as a child consequently. Work on getting rid of those debts urgently then you are in a place to start afresh.

[FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb]

I am a bit on the fence.
If you are stuck at their house because of poor credit history, are you doing all you can to improve it? Will they help you?

[gogohmm]

I've done a lot of debt counselling and you need to be paying more than the minimum. My advice is to set up the minimum for all then every month pay extra towards the one with the highest interest, it's very satisfying when one by one each is paid off.

Cut up any remaining credit cards and either in a notebook or on your phone, write down everything you buy by debit card so you keep track.

When trying to pay off debts it's tough to stay disciplined so work into your budget treats eg my advice is have a thermos cup, cafetière and make good coffee if you are a coffee fan -£1.50 (lidl) buys enough for 10-12 mugs, more expensive than instant but a lot cheaper than buying out. We have a flask we take out with us too

[sashh]

Set up poste-restante - the post office keep your mail for you to collect.

www.postoffice.co.uk/mail/poste-restante

Alternatively have it redirected to another address, a friend or relative might be OK.

[mumda]

You need to speak with them as an adult. And remember you are in their home. You need to perhaps show you have taken responsibility for your situation and are working to resolve everything. Discuss your finances with them openly. They may have suggestions to help

[WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps]

Completely out of order. You do need to get your own place really soon. Is private let not an option? No WAY would I tolerate this. Not very helpful sorry. I hope things improve soon.

[WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps]

Oh yeah @Lily9915 as others have said, what about a PO Box number? Then you can collect your mail from the sorting office.

[RandomMess]

Time to get your list diverted to a PO Box or similar.

[Nanny0gg]

@Lily9915

@XDownwiththissortofthingX thank you as you’ve actually highlighted it is illegal which I did suspect

Can you go paperless and receive emails instead, which you can read on your phone?

[mountainsunsets]

@Lily9915

@mountainsunsets as I stated after that I did mention the roof over my head which I am grateful for. I do a lot in return to help them out too. But with regards to food, paying for my children I pay for this myself and as I’ve stated I contribute to the bills.

But they're still subsidising you even if you contribute a share of the bills and buy food for your children. The fact that they don't have a mortgage is irrelevant, really.

I don't agree with them opening your mail, but I do think that if you want to be treated like an adult then you need to behave like an adult - and that means having a frank and open discussion with your parents about your plans to move out and pay off this debt.

I know it's harsh but you're 27 and have two children - you need to stand on your own two feet, even if that means your children need to move schools.

[Lily9915]

@mountainsunsets conversations have been had about me moving out and every time it creates more of an issue because my mum wants me to stay there. She makes me feel like bad mother if I was to uproot my child because he is settled into school. Also passes comments about areas surrounding that are ‘rough’ and no place to bring up children.

and I have told her about my debt and I told her that now I am working I can start paying it off.

[mountainsunsets]

@Lily9915

@mountainsunsets conversations have been had about me moving out and every time it creates more of an issue because my mum wants me to stay there. She makes me feel like bad mother if I was to uproot my child because he is settled into school. Also passes comments about areas surrounding that are ‘rough’ and no place to bring up children.

and I have told her about my debt and I told her that now I am working I can start paying it off.

But you're an adult. If you want to move out, it's your decision, not theirs.

[Anniegetyourgun]

So the OP

• moved back to her mum's after time living independently
• does not cost her mum any money (stepdad is irrelevant, he is in debt too)
• has a job
• arranges her own childcare
• does chores etc
• has not hidden the fact she has debts
• has taken steps to pay off said debts (cautiously at first as she has only just gone back to work)
• is actively looking for somewhere to live
• is perfectly welcome to stay there as far as her mum is concerned

Now what can we give her a kicking for? Childbearing under 30?

[ThinkingForEveryone]

She makes me feel like bad mother if I was to uproot my child because he is settled into school. Also passes comments about areas surrounding that are ‘rough’ and no place to bring up children.
Can you not see you are infantalising yourself here OP? You are the parent of two children and you decide where they live not your mother!
As it stands you can only afford the 'rough' area so that is where you will have to live (whilst I assume you will be working hard to improve your situation).
This is obviously a bigger issue than your parents opening your post, you need to start thinking like an independent adult and behaving like one.

[RheanaT]

Maybe they're worried about bailiffs turning up to the house?

[Lily9915]

@Anniegetyourgun thank you for this. I have tried to explain all these things

[Lily9915]

I’m not comfortable into going into detail about why and how my relationship broke down and why I didn’t move out again. My mum knows why and fully supported and encouraged me to remain at home. I am not minimising what she does for me by letting me stay there. I am simply pointing out I don’t expect all this for nothing I am not leeching off her. As I’ve also said many times, my step dad is irrelevant as he is also in debt up to his eyeballs, has had bailiffs come to my mums house for his own debt and he simply moved into the property he does not own, part own or pay rent either. He likewise contributes to the bills. My point regarding him was that he also feels he can either open my post, tell my mum to open my post or create drama between me and her. I wish I hadn’t mentioned him but he was part of the initial thing with opening post that’s why I did.

[J0y]

@Lily9915

@mountainsunsets conversations have been had about me moving out and every time it creates more of an issue because my mum wants me to stay there. She makes me feel like bad mother if I was to uproot my child because he is settled into school. Also passes comments about areas surrounding that are ‘rough’ and no place to bring up children.

and I have told her about my debt and I told her that now I am working I can start paying it off.

My mum and dad made heavy weather of all they were doing for me and the children when I lived there but every time I tried to change things (they ran the plan down).

It was my mum really not my dad but he just backs her up no matter what.
When the dc were small I literally had no choice but to be a stay at home mother on lone parent benefit. If I tried to invest in to myself by getting a job in town and arranging childcare she instantly said well i won't pick up or drop off (that would only have been in emergencies) so I was trapped.

I felt the weight of ''all they did for me'' and yet I felt powerless to change it.
The children grew up and when I no longer needed their help I made changes but it's all turned out badly. They hurt me, refuse to acknowledge it, they gave me the silent treatment and I tried at first to communicate but then gave up. They do not know how to fix things now and I've stopped caring.

Looking back now, they wanted me to be dependent on them. That gave them control. I was kept in my box. I had to be who they said I was and classic projective identification I did 'play up' to some of the things they projected on to me, out of frustration.

Get in touch with mabs or cabs or whatever they're called and consolodate the debt. Pay it back a 10 a week for however long it takes.

you're ''lucky'' in many ways. You had your children you and freedom is around the corner for you while you're still young.

[KeepOutingMyselfAnotherNameChange]

No yabu op. If they send bailiffs it's your parents house they will go to and their stuff they will take.

[J0y]

@Lily9915

I’m not comfortable into going into detail about why and how my relationship broke down and why I didn’t move out again. My mum knows why and fully supported and encouraged me to remain at home. I am not minimising what she does for me by letting me stay there. I am simply pointing out I don’t expect all this for nothing I am not leeching off her. As I’ve also said many times, my step dad is irrelevant as he is also in debt up to his eyeballs, has had bailiffs come to my mums house for his own debt and he simply moved into the property he does not own, part own or pay rent either. He likewise contributes to the bills. My point regarding him was that he also feels he can either open my post, tell my mum to open my post or create drama between me and her. I wish I hadn’t mentioned him but he was part of the initial thing with opening post that’s why I did.

I think it can be quite subconscious. My mum also helped me leave my x who was a lunatic. An absolute lunatic. She and my Dad took me back to stay with them.

But as well as being very genuinely generous people they had their flaws. They are both absolutely incapable of viewing me as an adult. Any sense of myself threatened of them.. If I talked about a decision I might make in the future they instantly tried to take control of the decision I would make.

Nothing was ever discussed, it was just their narrative or if you tried to put forward another one you were mad, bad and ungrateful.

Not sure if any of this resonates but looking back now I can see that my parents were rescuers and have been very good to me when I really needed help but as soon as I did not need their help, they weren't happy for me that i was becoming more independent, becoming more resilient, planning, saving, working, none of that has ever been encouraged.

My mother was quite forceful in her encouragement of me sometimes so she would disagree with my interpretation but she was trying to coax me in to doing things she had decided I should do.

Any idea that was my own was shot down.

This may not resonate at all but if it does, it's a tricky situation.

Stand firm in your own interpretation of events but don't try and go head to head with your reality versus their reality.

If it's their subconscious need for you to stay small they are never going to recognise that you're an adult with a plan.

[mountainsunsets]

Now what can we give her a kicking for? Childbearing under 30?

Hmm, I don't think she's received a kicking, just some honest advice.

She's a parent of two young children - if she doesn't like the restrictions that come with living at home, then the obvious answer is to move out, not tell the homeowner(s) how to behave in their own home.

That's not to say I think her mum and step-dad are behaving reasonably by opening her mail, but ultimately the only way to stop that is to move out and be fully independent.

[Lily9915]

@J0y wow, this absolutely resonates. All of it

[musingsinmidlife]

Jut reroute your mail. If that is the only issue - then fix it. Get a PO Box and send it there or to a friend's that you trust.

[Elleherd]

@Lily9915 Couple of things, I think a lot of people myself included, had been quite confused about if you moved back into your childhood home with children following a relationship breakdown, or if you stayed on there and had children there and then a relationship broke down, and it does make quite a difference as to how your mother might perceive things, but it still wouldn't make it ok.but at this point I think people don't need to know to understand that this really isn't about the mail, that's just the symptom of so much more.

But, while I'm sorry you've had some pile on, actually your step dad is incredibly important in all this because I'm pretty sure if you'd posted in relationships from a bit of a different slant people would be able to articulate better than I can, how there's a war going on about who has the right to what around your mum, and it's a nasty bit of triangulation that's only going to be sorted by you not needing to depend on living with her, or being confused by what she actually wants.

Underneath the issue of what they/he are doing wrong in opening your mail, and his manipulations, there's another deeper one that's making it all hurt so bloody much - I'm going out on a limb here, but it's it's almost like you're resentfully competing against a Golden child sibling who you know will always bitch plop and win, but you're still trying to convince your mum to not let him over everything, because he's not better than you, and it's not fair and if she's prepared to tolerate some behaviors from him, how come it's different for you?

That's hidden by the needs, but it's the emotional battles underlying the practical ones and it's helping keep you where you are and undermining your children's future in the process instead of you striking out to a better life.
I hope this comes over as I mean it, it's not a criticism of you, it's a reaction to hearing someone complaining about the quality of bandages provided being the issue, instead of recognizing the actual wound that's been and continue's to be delivered...
I knew that when J0y posted it was going to resonate, and I think a lot of this may also connect up to 'But we took you to stately homes' but I'm not able to explain articulately.

I wish you well, and freedom from all this fast, and the hope that you may be able reclaim the bits of your relationship with your mother that may be positive from a safe distance without the rest.

[Maray1967]

Whatever the case might be about debt issues and the impact on other adults in the house, these people opened your hospital letter. there is no way that can be confused with a debt collections letter. How dare they?
I would have my mail rerouted and I would make it clear to mum that I would be moving out because there is such a lack of basic respect.