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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

27 years old, parents opening my post

133 replies

Lily9915 · 09/10/2022 01:47

Hi just a brief background, I live at home with ds1 and dd2 with my mum and step dad. I was due to move out but relationship broke down. Ever since I have been trying to find appropriate housing but I am on the housing list and it’s just a waiting game. I am in no doubt denying I have debt, but I believe it to be my own problem to deal with. It’s the likes of credit cards, old debts wanting a monthly payment but of course they send letters regularly. I’ve come home from work recently to find that my letters have either been opened or even been confronted by my mum and quizzed on what the debt is and why I have it. Made to feel like a 5 year old. My step dad even took some of my letters to my mum as they arrived from the post man and told her to open them so they can find out who they’re from. Am I being unreasonable to think this is an absolute joke?? With regards to step dad I don’t really get on with him a great deal but for the sake of my mum I make the effort.

OP posts:
surreygirl1987 · 09/10/2022 07:52

Not okay to be opening your post, but given that you are living in their house due to financial issues, I can see why they are doing it. They want to know the full situation.

Jellyx · 09/10/2022 07:53

I think it's indicative of how much they care and how they are worried about you.
I think it's fine to acknowledge you've made some poor choices in relation of money management and reassure them it's something you're getting help with.
Advise them you don't want them to open your post but it's helpful to know they're there if you need any extra support with it.

Herejustforthisone · 09/10/2022 07:56

Gross. They are so intrusive.

You have got to get out of there.

J0y · 09/10/2022 07:57

That is a tough situation. I feel for you but also for your parents. Do they usually erode all of your boundaries or was this a once off because they were they determined to find out ''how bad'' the situation really was. Well, now they know, and it hasn't made them happier I'm guessing.

Can you approach MABs , consolidate debts. I believe they can be helpful. Or go to citizens advice for debt advice.

musingsinmidlife · 09/10/2022 07:58

Do you work?

Are you contributing the household expenses?

Maybe you need a second job so you can gain independence and provide for your children. And a man is not a plan - never put yourself in a relationship situation where you are dependent on the other person. Imagine if you had moved in and then the relationship ended and you had nothing to fall back on.

You are an adult, you had two kids. You need to put your time and energy into resolving and improving your financial situation.

mountainsunsets · 09/10/2022 08:00

Herejustforthisone · 09/10/2022 07:56

Gross. They are so intrusive.

You have got to get out of there.

She can't afford to get out of there as she has debt and poor credit.

Flowersintheattic57 · 09/10/2022 08:08

Your mother has very skewed values if she thinks you should wait to meet someone to move in with!
I would write a letter on her behalf to the council saying that she can’t put you up any more and is evicting you and the children. If you have a willing friend to collaborate, add her phone number in case they call to confirm. It will put you in the top band and hopefully get you in your own housing. You are entitled to be housed.

GCAcademic · 09/10/2022 08:09

Their credit rating is linked to yours, given that you are living in their house.

It is their house that bailiffs would come knocking at.

The fact that you are paying minimum payments only suggests you are not tackling your debt or acknowledging the problem. You’re not going to pay these debts off in this decade, most likely, with just a minimum payment.

I’m not surprised they’re concerned. I would want to know the full picture too.

LovedFedAndNoonesDead · 09/10/2022 08:09

rageapplied · 09/10/2022 07:43

How are you going to pay your bills as well as service your debt if you are allocated a council house?

Presumably the OP would, like millions of others, be able to claim UC including personal allowance, 2 children and rent elements (which she can’t while living at parents home unless
shes also on the tenancy!) and then have a deduction for wages earned. The amount she’d receive would go towards rent, council tax and other bills and then wages would go towards food, other expenses and towards debts!!

user6363 · 09/10/2022 08:13

YANBU - I live with my parents (also moved in due to a break up and I will move out in the next few months but we love living together) and the only time they’ve opened my post is when I’ve actively asked them to e.g. medical ones that have arrived when I’ve been out. They would never invade my privacy.
I had a small amount of debt which I was able to pay off from living with them and saving. I can understand why your mum wants to know about your financial situation if she’s sort of paying for you in any way but opening post is wrong.

rageapplied · 09/10/2022 08:15

@LovedFedAndNoonesDead I just asked the question? If she's still in so much debt and hasn't saved whilst living with her parents (and she should already be claiming UC just not the rent element) then she's going to struggle when she moves out.

Butchyrestingface · 09/10/2022 08:25

How long have you been living with your parents, @Lily9915 ? Have your children always lived there?

The situation sounds untenable. I doubt they'll stop opening your mail no matter what you say, so the only solution would be be to go paper free wrt bills, and prioritise paying off the debts asap so you can move out. Whether your mother wants you to stay is neither here nor there. Your relationship with your parents may improve when you can put a bit of physical distance between you all

Mercedes519 · 09/10/2022 08:33

Unless you share any financial accounts the OPs debt has NO impact on her parents. Bailiffs can only seize assets that they can prove belong to the debtor. And as she has debts of a couple of hundred and have set up a payment plan it’s is highly unlikely to happen.

OP, listen to the people saying it’s illegal. It might be concern but it might also be a lack of boundaries and a view that you’re a child and therefore it’s OK to pry.

Sounds like you need to have a sensible conversation with both of them, especially if you’re unable to move. You both need to agree a way of sharing a house and lives that works for both of you.

mountainsunsets · 09/10/2022 08:44

@GCAcademic credit ratings are linked to names, not addresses.

Endlesssummer2022 · 09/10/2022 08:54

It’s true that debt is linked to names but names are linked to addresses. I know this because my DM had a lodger who ran up debt and intimidating bailiffs kept coming to HER door demanding to know where he was and asking intrusive questions as though she was partly responsible/lying. They also said they would keep returning. This caused a lot of distress.

I also worked in a call centre during uni a good while back which financed white goods for Curry’s. Addresses with CCJs would get flagged for further investigation.

Nobody wants this kind of aggro. It’s unfair to put the DM in this situation.

GloriousGlory · 09/10/2022 08:58

Mercedes519 · 09/10/2022 08:33

Unless you share any financial accounts the OPs debt has NO impact on her parents. Bailiffs can only seize assets that they can prove belong to the debtor. And as she has debts of a couple of hundred and have set up a payment plan it’s is highly unlikely to happen.

OP, listen to the people saying it’s illegal. It might be concern but it might also be a lack of boundaries and a view that you’re a child and therefore it’s OK to pry.

Sounds like you need to have a sensible conversation with both of them, especially if you’re unable to move. You both need to agree a way of sharing a house and lives that works for both of you.

No impact? A bailiff knocking on the door has no impact? Having to prove what's yours, no impact?

Waterfallgirl · 09/10/2022 09:10

They are overstepping massively.
Re post can you get your letters redirected via Royal Mail service to a sibling or Friends house?

ThinkingForEveryone · 09/10/2022 09:12

It is not unreasonable to expect your post to remain unopened.
I think you are unreasonable to be trying to stay in an area you can't afford, regardless of debt.
If you are only 27 now I'm assuming your children are in lower years primary school? A move to a different school would hardly be traumatic for them especially if it means you finally get a home of your own.

Autumnisclose · 09/10/2022 09:15

@girlmom21 you seem to have misunderstood, I was just answering the posters question re how many children the OP has, I wasn't making any other point so there was no need for your catty remark. Being in debt doesn't automatically mean the parents can't act as a guarantor so it's a reasonable suggestion.

fairydust11 · 09/10/2022 09:17

What they’re doing is illegal, but you are 27 with 2 children & still living with your mum?
If you don’t like it move out.
It sounds an awful situation.

girlmom21 · 09/10/2022 09:17

Autumnisclose · 09/10/2022 09:15

@girlmom21 you seem to have misunderstood, I was just answering the posters question re how many children the OP has, I wasn't making any other point so there was no need for your catty remark. Being in debt doesn't automatically mean the parents can't act as a guarantor so it's a reasonable suggestion.

My remark wasn't catty. I don't do 'catty'. Yours was snide.

To be a guarantor you have to prove you could pay rent if the renter defaults. How are they going to do that?

Cats23 · 09/10/2022 09:20

WeAreTheHeroes · 09/10/2022 03:44

I'd be very tempted to open some of theirs just to make the point as they won't like it.

I agree with this!
Tell them they are not topen your letters at all from now on.

I'd look to get them redirected too- A friend/Family member

Original poster
Lily9915 · 09/10/2022 09:22

I don’t think people are reading the whole thread or what I’ve said. They don’t provide for me or help me financially, the roof over my head which I’ve said I am grateful for is my childhood home of which I contribute to the bills of. I’ve already said there is a lack of boundaries in other aspects apart from Mail opening.

Yes I work but have only just gone back to work (my daughter is 11 months) and is now in nursery. I have admitted I have debt, I have set up minimum payments and will increase them as I see how I manage over the next few months, I thought this was best rather than setting up higher payments which I then end up missing.

I have told my mum about my debt, the letter opening began with a hospital letter not a debt letter, I am actively trying to move out. It’s not as simple as ‘just move out’. If it was I would have done that.

and with regards to irresponsible lending, I was advised to do this by a debt group I am in on Facebook which can help get the interest removed.

OP posts:
mountainsunsets · 09/10/2022 09:25

I don’t think people are reading the whole thread or what I’ve said. They don’t provide for me or help me financially

Of course they do! Without them, you'd be homeless.

MoniJitchell · 09/10/2022 09:26

They are being unreasonable to open your mail, but you are unreasonable to not take responsibility for yourself and your children. I would be really unhappy if my DD had debt collection letters coming to my address, this can impact they credit file of everyone at the address. Have you ever lived away from your parents or have you continued to have children while still living at your parents house?

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