DD's dad furious because I don't want to homeschool her!

[cocoloco77]

I have been a teacher for 5 years and share a daughter with a man who is a (insert very rude word here)! I would find it so much easier to parent without him, but I put up with him for DD's sake. Over the years, he hasn't been very forthcoming with maintenance and is generally quite useless tbh.

DD is due to start school next year and apparently, he has "always wanted a child that's homeschooled". He feels that because I am a teacher, I should give up my job and stay at home and homeschool her. I asked how exactly he would expect me to pay my bills if I'm at home all day, and he claims that he would pay me to do this (which I totally don't believe as he's very inconsistent with maintenance payments and I would never put myself in a position where I'm relying on him for money). Furthermore, I don't actually want to homeschool dd and would much rather her be at school. This has resulted in a huge argument with him calling me "toxic" and claiming I don't let him make decisions in our daughters life.

I'm interested to see what other people's views are on this and if I really am being unreasonable?

He can’t DO anything.
@Tsort
Last year he said to me "sometimes I wish I could shoot you". He later said it was a joke but it has always been in the back of my mind. I really don't know what he's capable of tbh.

Nobody who has abused and continues to abuse her mother is good for your daughter.

Apologies, but I’m going to keep asking you to quantify and give examples of things. When you say ‘he’s quite good with DD’ what, specifically, do you mean? What does he do?

@cocoloco77 - your instincts are spot on, and your ex is being ridiculous. I wish I had some good advice for you, but there are other posters on here who clearly have experience of dealing with idiots like this, and their advice seems very good.

Just stop. Why are you enabling him? Just don't discuss it any more.

Grey rock.

Grey rock and deep breaths.

It’s the only way you will get through the next 15 years. The man is crackers and any response from you will only encourage.

Did you report this threat to your life to the police? If not, then why not? And do you really think that someone who has threatened you with physical violence should continue to have access to you and your daughter?

This thread is bonkers so he threatened to kill you and you still talk to him? And answer the phone to his mother?

That is awful.

I don't see how that could ever be a joke.

He is beyond unreasonable! Would he home educate her himself? That would be the only way this could be seen as remotely reasonable! And that’s coming from someone who home educates! It is a massive commitment and a huge drain on finances!

I' don't want to strike anymore paranoia in you than you are already feeling. I'd be very careful that he doesn't try to turn your child against you. Basic common decency is you keep the child out of parental drama, but it is not unheard of for people to go below the belt and pretend to be the "fun" parent and make you look like the killjoy.

There have been times when I've refused to engage with him and his mum has called me wanting to know why I treat him so "unfairly" and telling me I'm wrong.

And keep up the grey rock when he’s being reasonable too. It isn’t a tool for dealing with unreasonable requests. It’s a tool for dealing with unreasonable people. You need your default with him to be not engaging, because all those times when you’re “getting on well” is part of the cycle of abuse too.

He can be very nasty and says disgusting things like "I wish you weren't the mother of my child"
"Well, I wish you weren't her father, but here we are".

Wow thank God you left him, he's an excessively, nay disturbingly, controlling human being.

Another advantage of written contact only is he's less likely to write death threats than say them, but if he does, you have a record.

It feels like you're reasoning is: I don't know what he's capable of, so I have to be nice to him. Whereas actually you probably realise deep down that trying to appease an unreasonable man doesn't make him more reasonable.

You've moved him out of your home and that's great, but you're still letting him get in your head. Now's the time to move him out of your headspace.

I would report that threat to the police too.

Set up an email that's just for him to contact you on;that way you don't have to filter through the emails in your personal inbox.

When he has DD have a cheap payg that you turn on only when he's with her.Turn it off when he's not.

Block him across everything else and use the grey rock technique when he's picking up/dropping off.

After your last few posts about his behaviour, I agree with other posters that it's time to stop engaging with him. Give him an email address to use then block him on your phone other than when he actually has DD. Tell him you will no longer answer the phone or the door because of his verbally abusive language. If I did have to speak with him, I'd probably start any conversation with "Just to let you know, I'm recording this call". I'd also start refusing him entrance to my house. Door step only or a neutral location for picks/drops. Your home should be your refuge. A place of peace and calm.

It's amazing how some assholes moderate their language when they start having to put things in writing.

And stop answering his mother's phone calls. There's no reason you have to speak to her is there, unless she has DD at her house?

As well as grey rock and communication by email google “parallel parenting”. That’s all that is possible with this guy

also claim cms. He will always use maintenance as a form of control. Take it out of the equation by getting cms collection.

Your DD will also be learning how to socialise at School. You are not being unreasonable.