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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD's dad furious because I don't want to homeschool her!

195 replies

cocoloco77 · 08/10/2022 21:57

I have been a teacher for 5 years and share a daughter with a man who is a (insert very rude word here)! I would find it so much easier to parent without him, but I put up with him for DD's sake. Over the years, he hasn't been very forthcoming with maintenance and is generally quite useless tbh.

DD is due to start school next year and apparently, he has "always wanted a child that's homeschooled". He feels that because I am a teacher, I should give up my job and stay at home and homeschool her. I asked how exactly he would expect me to pay my bills if I'm at home all day, and he claims that he would pay me to do this (which I totally don't believe as he's very inconsistent with maintenance payments and I would never put myself in a position where I'm relying on him for money). Furthermore, I don't actually want to homeschool dd and would much rather her be at school. This has resulted in a huge argument with him calling me "toxic" and claiming I don't let him make decisions in our daughters life.

I'm interested to see what other people's views are on this and if I really am being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Topseyt123 · 09/10/2022 01:59

I'm just trying to imagine the scene in a courtroom where a judge ordered that a child be removed from school to be home educated, lest they be brainwashed by attending school!!

This man is a wanker. Just tell him that DD will be going to school. End of story. Tell him you won't discuss it any further, and then just don't.

He can try taking you to court, but actually he will just get laughed at.

jeaux90 · 09/10/2022 02:01

Look up grey rock. You need to read this and deploy it. He sounds like a deeply unpleasant person, well done for getting out.

2bazookas · 09/10/2022 02:04

Tell him his wish is granted. He can come to your home and homeschool his daughter every day, school hours, while you're at work.

You won't see him for dust.

Rainbowqueeen · 09/10/2022 02:17

Ignore the home schooling debate. If it wasn’t this, it would be something else. He is just trying to make you miserable.

Best thing I have learnt on here about dealing with abusive men is to limit communication. Tell him in writing that you need to change your number because x reason and in future all communication between you regarding DD will be by email. Create a new email address just for dealing with him and send him that.

Added bonus is that you will have a clear record of communications if you ever have an issue over anything in the future.

Jewel7 · 09/10/2022 02:19

If he is controlling it is probably more about him restricting your life. I.e you stay at home, don’t go to work, have to rely on him etc etc.

UniversalAunt · 09/10/2022 02:34

Support the suggestion that you take the £hit to have CMS manage & collect the maintenance money on the grounds that he is abusive & bullying. Also minimise the time to the legal limits she has with him because of his coercive control.

Your DD needs the broader life experience of school to offer her far more than her krackpot father.

I agree any promises that he may make towards homeschooling are another form of abusive control.

You now have your independence, nurture & nourish this.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 09/10/2022 03:50

Namechangeforthis88 · 08/10/2022 22:22

He's only come up with this to torment you and cast himself as the victim of the piece in his own deranged version of events.

This...

It's an extension of abuse!

Please don't give this man any more headspace.

It's a grim impact post emotionally abusive relationship-have you managed to access any therapy for yourself?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 09/10/2022 04:46

This is one of the most bizarre things I've ever read on MN!

So he wants her home-schooled, but he doesn't want to do it and expects you to give up your job to do it? He just wants to keep you both in a box.

I"d refused all contact and let him take you to court. Don't speak to him via phone, just keep a record of all texts, messages and emails.

He is bonkers and I wouldn't let him anywhere near my child.

YankeeCat · 09/10/2022 05:25

I do not think he has the child's best interest at heart if he wants to homeschool her for the sake of homeschooling her. That is going into homeschooling for the wrong reason which suggests to me that he is pushing this for further control of the both of you. Heck no, don't do it.

Besides you are teaching your child at home anyway even if it is not thought of as homeschooling. Every step you take your child is watching you.

I echo what everyone else is saying keep him at a distance and keep a copy of every conversation with him. If it is legal in the UK I would also be recording my conversations with him as well if it seems like one that might be particularly testy.

Darbs76 · 09/10/2022 05:27

Perhaps he can start an evenings job so that he can homeschool DD. I mean I’m sure anyone can homeschool for the initial years when they are very young (well not anyone, but the majority). Hmm thought not. I wouldn’t entertain the idea.

TheOnlyBeeInYourBonnet · 09/10/2022 05:57

2bazookas · 09/10/2022 02:04

Tell him his wish is granted. He can come to your home and homeschool his daughter every day, school hours, while you're at work.

You won't see him for dust.

I'm sure this and the dozen+ of similar replies are just being glib, because everyone must realise the OP won't want this nutcase educating her daughter.

But it's really unhelpful, however smart you think you're being, to encourage the OP to engage at all when he is clearly trying to wind her up and control her. You can't ever make men like this see reason. They just pivot and attack from another angle.

LynetteScavo · 09/10/2022 06:00

It's actually quite flattering that he wants you to do this. I'm not sure there's any one person I'd want to permanently educate my DC.

I'd only to communicate with him by text or email from now on. Life's too short for telephone arguments; it's not 1988. If I was feeling in the mood for a fight I'd ask him to email his home education proposal including the salary he would pay you, proposed curriculum etc. just fir a laugh. (I don't suggest you do this!!! ) I do suggest you refuse to engage with him further about it, tell him you've your decision clear and you won't be changing your mind. I wouldn't even mention taking it to court as he really won't bother and it sounds antagonistic. Although I do think he'd be laughed out if court.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with such a dick head.

tackling · 09/10/2022 06:20

It's not about the school. It's not about your daughter. It's not really about conspiracy theories (although they're a useful prop for people like this).

It's about you and controlling you.

I agree with the other posters that you need to tackle how you communicate. Is there anything we can all do to help with that? After an initial difficult bump it'd make your whole life easier.

Kissingfrogs25 · 09/10/2022 06:28

It’s quite worrying you are still allowing this man any say whatsoever over you ur life op. Most of us would have said hell no and closed the conversation.

You have more work to do to build up your self esteem, confidence and trust in yourself op. Confidence and assertiveness. I’d be pushing for the the CM to be enforced and ignore his silly pipe dreams about home schooling, he is clearly still trying to sabotage your life

Kissingfrogs25 · 09/10/2022 06:32

I woke consider communicating only through lawyers until you are in a stronger position - or at the very least email only
Given the coercive history minimising direct contact should be your number one goal.

Ivyonafence · 09/10/2022 06:35

YABU for engaging in this argument with him.

YABU for indulging his ridiculous idea with consideration and discussion.

Tell him no. Discuss it no further.

His goal is to upset you and you let him.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 09/10/2022 06:39

cocoloco77 · 09/10/2022 00:29

Definitely a conspiracy theorist - thinks DD will become "brainwashed" from going to school! Confused

Show quote history

I would be minimising the time he gets to spend with her as it is if he's a conspiracy theorist as he's likely to be teaching her total bullshit. Do you make any effort for them to have contact? If so, reduce it. Let it drop off and die out if at all possible even if it means living without his financial support.

Marigoldandivy · 09/10/2022 08:23

Possibly another way to control you? You’d be at home, isolated, rather than independently pursuing your profession in a school. Not to mention restricting your DD’ s social interaction,

IndiGlowie · 09/10/2022 08:33

Just ignore him and send your child to school . There is nothing he can do to force you into homeschooling. Don't even discuss it with him .

GardenShack · 09/10/2022 08:36

As mentioned before, get a new number,and set up an email account for comms. But please make it 'paythesoddingmaintenance @ Gmail.com ' or something.

He sounds like a right loon.

TooHotToTangoToo · 09/10/2022 09:06

It's easy, put the phone down, set up an email for him to use, send his the email address and tell him you'll only communicate with him via email due to his verbal abuse over the phone, then block his number. Check the email address twice a week.

Threelittlelambs · 09/10/2022 09:10

My friend block ex unless their child is with him - otherwise it goes unread for days

Best thing should you need to go to court at any point in the future.

limitededitionbarbie · 09/10/2022 09:17

Also let him take you to court. He will then need to pay the costs. If you take him, it's for you to pay.

That is what a solicitor told me when I saw one in an initial Consultation.

I went in to firm up access and she said you don't need us yet. Let him take you to court, that's when you need us. He didn't. All mouth. Same as this one probably is.

Ivyonafence · 09/10/2022 11:20

I worked with an extremely abusive man. He insisted his wife (a qualified lawyer) give up work to home school their children. He also moved them across the country.

She was completely isolated.

Sacredheart7 · 09/10/2022 11:26

Why are you even engaging with this man when you know you're not being unreasonable.. This is a pointless thread.. You are clearly not being unreasonable. Just ignore the dickhead.

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