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AIBU?

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Original poster

DD's dad furious because I don't want to homeschool her!

195 replies

cocoloco77 · 08/10/2022 21:57

I have been a teacher for 5 years and share a daughter with a man who is a (insert very rude word here)! I would find it so much easier to parent without him, but I put up with him for DD's sake. Over the years, he hasn't been very forthcoming with maintenance and is generally quite useless tbh.

DD is due to start school next year and apparently, he has "always wanted a child that's homeschooled". He feels that because I am a teacher, I should give up my job and stay at home and homeschool her. I asked how exactly he would expect me to pay my bills if I'm at home all day, and he claims that he would pay me to do this (which I totally don't believe as he's very inconsistent with maintenance payments and I would never put myself in a position where I'm relying on him for money). Furthermore, I don't actually want to homeschool dd and would much rather her be at school. This has resulted in a huge argument with him calling me "toxic" and claiming I don't let him make decisions in our daughters life.

I'm interested to see what other people's views are on this and if I really am being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Original poster
cocoloco77 · 08/10/2022 22:14

RyanYESorNO · 08/10/2022 22:10

I don't understand how this has resulted in a 'huge argument'. Surely it needed one message from you:

I won't be homeschooling DD. I believe that a school is the best environment for her. I am not giving up my career and could not afford to do so. If you wish to challenge my decision on this then please file a court order, although I'm sure the judge will be more interesting in your financial contribution to DDs upbringing so far. I won't be discussing this further.

How does the argument even happen? Honestly, I'm really not trying to kick you while you're down, but if you're really having discussions and arguments with this man, then you need to do some serious work on yourself, your boundaries and what you are teaching your daughter (from what she observes) about relationships.

I have actually told him all the things you've mentioned. I told him in no uncertain terms that she is going to school and he just kept arguing with me about it. The phone call ended with me hanging up on him.

OP posts:
OhIdoLike2bBesideTheSeaside · 08/10/2022 22:15

@cocoloco77

This is just a crazy idea
You have a career pension and prospects and he's trying to abuse you even after you've split

Just say no

QueefofSheena · 08/10/2022 22:16

He always wanted her to be home schooled. I always wanted to be able to sing like Aretha. We don’t always get what we want. He can get to fuck

Tsort · 08/10/2022 22:17

RyanYESorNO · 08/10/2022 22:10

I don't understand how this has resulted in a 'huge argument'. Surely it needed one message from you:

I won't be homeschooling DD. I believe that a school is the best environment for her. I am not giving up my career and could not afford to do so. If you wish to challenge my decision on this then please file a court order, although I'm sure the judge will be more interesting in your financial contribution to DDs upbringing so far. I won't be discussing this further.

How does the argument even happen? Honestly, I'm really not trying to kick you while you're down, but if you're really having discussions and arguments with this man, then you need to do some serious work on yourself, your boundaries and what you are teaching your daughter (from what she observes) about relationships.

All of this, really. I probably wouldn’t even go with such a detailed reply.

Stop engaging with this idiot, OP. He has zero power, right or entitlement to you or your time. You don’t have to do anything he says and you don’t have to explain why.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 08/10/2022 22:18

He's "always wanted" this but chose now to tell you? He just wanted to wind you up and occupy your headspace.

Thepossibility · 08/10/2022 22:20

I would be furious that he seems to have plenty of money if he thinks he has enough to pay you to do this, and has been messing you around with maintenance. Stuck his foot in his mouth there, the dickhead.

SpinningFloppa · 08/10/2022 22:21

cocoloco77 · 08/10/2022 22:04

I was in an emotionally abusive relationship with him for years and he really made me question myself and still does. Thanks.

Show quote history

As a teacher I’m sure you’re fully aware you don’t have to home educate if you don’t want to. Stop letting him get to you, he can’t control you now, he is an ex. I wouldn’t have even responded.

Namechangeforthis88 · 08/10/2022 22:22

He's only come up with this to torment you and cast himself as the victim of the piece in his own deranged version of events.

NaturalBae · 08/10/2022 22:24

He’s clearly deluded. I really wouldn’t waste my time arguing with him about this. Tell him to not be so stupid and be done with the topic going forward.

NeedAHoliday2021 · 08/10/2022 22:25

Stop all discussions. Stone wall him. “No I’m not doing that, anyway, what time are you collecting dd?” Or no, any other matters to discuss? He continues about home schooling and you say I’ll take that as a no to any other issue. Night. Hang up. Do not engage in the conversations and give him the satisfaction. Google stone walling abusive ex.

BCBird · 08/10/2022 22:27

He does not get to decide for you to give up your career to.home school your daughter. I.am.a teacher too
I.would not want to.home school a child

oviraptor21 · 08/10/2022 22:28

I wouldn't be offering for him to homeschool DD either. No court will order home schooling so more fool him if he tries.

PyongyangKipperbang · 08/10/2022 22:28

"Further to your recent communication.

If you wish to homeschool DD yourself then you are of course at liberty to seek court approval to do that. I will not be homeschooling her but if you wish to give up your job in order to do it and judge finds in your favour, I will not appeal"

LaurieFairyCake · 08/10/2022 22:31

Say "I would love to homeschool her, thank you for offering to cover my salary and pension. It's £5000 a month for me to pay for the salary and pension to match my teachers pension, let me know when I can expect the first 3 months in advance"

I dare you to send the above Grin

whynotwhatknot · 08/10/2022 22:31

so he'll pay you salary but not mainteneance

is he employed op

billy1966 · 08/10/2022 22:32

Get a grip OP, what are you doing engaging with such a moron?

Communication should be by email only.

Stop speaking to this idiot.

Get some counselling and develop strategies to deal with such a twat.

He cannot be depended upon to pay basic CM, why are you even engaging with him?

Goldbar · 08/10/2022 22:32

Ha ha ha ha ha 😂! I'm sorry about the behaviour that he's subjected you to in the past but this is honestly one of the most hilarious demands I have ever heard one separated parent make of the other.

I would tell him the following:

  • He may have some say in the choices you make for your DD's education, but he has fuck all say in what you yourself do with your time and your career choices.
  • You wouldn't trust him as far as you could throw him to pay up regularly without making a fuss, so you won't be depending on him for your financial security, thank you very much.
  • He couldn't afford the rates you would charge anyway. Naturally as homeschooling would involve pausing your career for a number of years, forgoing promotions and losing pension contributions, you would expect to be paid a hefty premium on a normal teacher's salary.

Finally, I would tell him that he may like a homeschooled daughter, but you'd like a mansion with a swimming-pool, a full-time housekeeper and frequent luxury holidays to (insert dream destination). So you're both going to have to be disappointed in life, but just as you don't hold him responsible for your disappointments, his have nothing to do with you.

FindingMyself1999 · 08/10/2022 22:34

Apply for a local school and send her. He can’t pay your pension, holidays plus all the other benefits of maintaining your career. It’s a shame he had parental responsibility

NeverDropYourMooncup · 08/10/2022 22:34

Much as I hated it at the time, this is one of those occasions where you need to quote my mother -

'I've always wanted a child of mine to be home educated'

'Well, what you WANT and what you GET are two different things'. (end call).

bowlingalleyblues · 08/10/2022 22:34

YANBU

You quite rightly said no as it’s not in the best interests of your child, and you must continue to refuse this nonsense from him.

mommatoone · 08/10/2022 22:35

Op it still sounds like he is trying to control you even though youve escaped your abusive relationship.
Tell him to jog on.

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/10/2022 22:41

This is all about controlling you and your dd. He wants to have ultimate power over you financially. Then when he has financial control, he thinks he will be able to wield control over everything you and your dd do. You are the one, that got away and his ego doesn’t like it.

if you haven’t gone through the cms for maintenance, do it now. Find a basic way to communicate with him. Perhaps by email only unless during contact time. If he is as shitty and controlling with your dd as he is with you, hopefully you can limit that contact and so forth.

Twillow · 08/10/2022 22:43

Do you think it might actually be more of a control issue than any real educational proposal?

ehb102 · 08/10/2022 22:46

My teacher friend said homeschooling her child during the pandemic was horrendous, even though the child was the same age as her expertise. You should not entertain this suggestion.

Rainbowshit · 08/10/2022 22:48

This is so ridiculous that I would have laughed if it wasn't your life.

Honestly he is absolutely off his rocker I wouldn't even engage with this.