DD's dad furious because I don't want to homeschool her!

[cocoloco77]

I have been a teacher for 5 years and share a daughter with a man who is a (insert very rude word here)! I would find it so much easier to parent without him, but I put up with him for DD's sake. Over the years, he hasn't been very forthcoming with maintenance and is generally quite useless tbh.

DD is due to start school next year and apparently, he has "always wanted a child that's homeschooled". He feels that because I am a teacher, I should give up my job and stay at home and homeschool her. I asked how exactly he would expect me to pay my bills if I'm at home all day, and he claims that he would pay me to do this (which I totally don't believe as he's very inconsistent with maintenance payments and I would never put myself in a position where I'm relying on him for money). Furthermore, I don't actually want to homeschool dd and would much rather her be at school. This has resulted in a huge argument with him calling me "toxic" and claiming I don't let him make decisions in our daughters life.

I'm interested to see what other people's views are on this and if I really am being unreasonable?

Is it that he just wants you to have no life?
like not the fact he really wants dd homeschooled but rather than he wants you to not work meet other people, essentially lose your independence.

I agree with those saying keep all your communication to email only from now on. Don't delete anything. I would consider consulting a solicitor too, not only is he failing to consistently pay CM but he is still displaying emotionally abusive behaviour by trying to control you, making unreasonable demands, name-calling and being verbally aggressive when he doesn't get his way. Now that he has expressed a wish to prevent your DD from mixing with others I would be concerned that he may display controlling behaviours towards her going forward. In your shoes I would want all contact to be formalised and to take legal advice as to what action you can take to protect yourself and your DD should he continue to be emotionally abusive.

Exactly! If telling him to F off worked, then I wouldn't even have needed to make this thread 😂 lots of pp's have suggested grey rocking, so I will definitely give it a try. Thanks for understanding x

Ask him for the first three years of your teacher's salary upfront.

Oh OP, he's a ridiculous angry little man

I parallel parent alongside an abusive NRP - it's not Co parenting as that's working together. But he stopped even parallel parenting 8 years ago as barely turns up couple times a year. So that but aside I understand

He's demanded something ridiculous
Yanbu

Of course it's ridiculous to demand that you give up your career and homeschool your child. Her an ex not your master. As you say it's also not in DDs welfare interests to homeschool her . People think long and hard about that, their DCs needs and personalities, it's not on a whim of an ignorant little man.

You know OP, his demands and nastiness when you say No to him, Is not about DDs needs at all- it's about him having power and control over you. Or attempting.

Don't listen any further after you reply. Say "put your request in writing". End the call on "if you can't be reasonable and are verbally aggressive I will end this call..... (..)... ".. I warned you, bye"

Really your ex can take it to court for a single issue judgement if he feels aggrieved. You can represent yourself in this. As nothing would give a Judge more of a laugh than his ridiculous request.

Absolutely not! Crazy idea!

I’d talk to a family lawyer about having a legal regular arrangement with him to see daughter and a regular financial arrangement so that you can avoid then having any more contact with him than necessary.

also if he wants dd homeschooled tell him he can fork out the money for a private homeschooling tutor as you already have a class of children to teach

When you are a reasonable person it can be very difficult to understand an unreasonable person's approach to things. I suspect in the relationship his constant unreasonableness (which he no doubt presented as supremely reasonable) has made you second guess everything.

You know, on one level, that your position is perfectly normal and sensible but the response from him makes you doubt yourself. That will be a hard habit to break.

You are 100% not being unreasonable here, it is definitely him. If he was a reasonable person then engaging with him to try to persuade him or get him to see your side might help worth doing but you'll just be wasting your breath here as he's not coming from a reasoned, rational place.

It's not what you want but I think you will have to take a general approach of making a decision, informing him of that decision and then letting him challenge that decision in court if he disagrees. I very much doubt there will be another way unfortunately and you'll tie yourself up in knots trying.

You are doing your best by your DD, that's all you can do. Good luck!

Set up an email just for communication with him.

Email him from that stating "as you are verbally abuse on the phone all contact from now on will be through this channel".

Then check it once a week.

Not only does it create that boundary but it also means you have evidence if you ever need it.

When you say telling him to fuck off doesn’t work, may I ask what you mean? What happens? What constitutes a ‘big explosion’? If you tell him you’re not engaging (and actually stop engaging) what exactly can he do?

Home school can be a positive, successful and rewarding undertaking for the whole family. However. There is a very very small subset of families where it is part of a picture of coercive and controlling behaviour, usually by a male parent. Do what is right for your child.

Oh and if he continues to call you ignore the call.

Screenshot the missed call and email with "I have said ALL communication is to come through this channel from now on"

Rinse and repeat.

He'll up the ante at first but eventually he'll realise you are serious and if he wants to say ANYTHING to you that's the only way you will listen.

Telling him to fuck off and meaning it.

Do not engage with him, you don't have to engage with him. Nobody said it's easy to do but when he's as deluded as this you need to.

You say that you put up with him for your daughter's sake-but what does she get from having to see him?

@Tsort

When you say telling him to fuck off doesn’t work, may I ask what you mean? What happens? What constitutes a ‘big explosion’? If you tell him you’re not engaging (and actually stop engaging) what exactly can he do?

There have been times when I've refused to engage with him and his mum has called me wanting to know why I treat him so "unfairly" and telling me I'm wrong.

He also knows where I live so has on occasion just turned up. He can be very nasty and says disgusting things like "I wish you weren't the mother of my child" and "you should have had an abortion then we wouldn't be in this situation". This is almost always followed with an apology and we get on well for a few weeks until the next crazy demand comes and he gets angry when I say no.

His only redeeming quality is that he is quite good with DD and she seems happy around him. If it wasn't for that I would have cut contact years ago.

Except he wants to abuse her by preventing her from having access to other children and adults well versed in safeguarding...

The idea of just communicating by email already mentioned by lots of pps will be very helpful to you, I think.

Any turning up at your house - don't answer the door, you've said all communication by email.

His mum says you're mean - "I'm happy to speak to him by email." Boring and calm - basically grey rock.

If you don't talk to him in person (and there really is no need), then you will be less aware of anger etc that come across on the phone. It'll be a calmer existence for you.

This is almost always followed with an apology and we get on well for a few weeks

Sadly typical abusive behaviour.

I do wish abusive men weren't automatically allowed access to their kids.

Sounds like hes trying to control you. You'd be out of work and dependent on him financially. I think you're right to stick to your guns.

Christ, he’s a piece of work isn’t he?

For statements like the one in your OP you need to get comfortable laughing in his face. If he’s going to come out with ridiculous notions like that then you would benefit from being able to see and treat them fittingly. His power lies in your lack of assurance in yourself. Take it back and belittle his misplaced arrogance.

The nastier stuff is harder, it’s well designed to provoke a lot of emotions in you and destabilise you. You’re allowed to name it. If he says atrocious things call it what it is and as the reason for you not engaging any further. Keep as calm as you can and refuse to match the energy of his outrage.

He’s not some sort guru of how to live your best life, he’s a dickhead who has a very high opinion of himself. You’re clearly trying to balance your child’s needs but to prevent a cycle continuing you need to be prepared to take him down a peg or two in their eyes so they have the tools to deal with him too.

Laughing in his face works by email too eg. Lol, no

Tell him to do it himself if he’s that keen.
or tell him to fuck off 🤷‍♀️

None of that constitutes a big explosion or telling him to piss off ‘not working’, though. Nobody who is saying to tell him to fuck off id assuming he’ll be super agreeable about it, we just think you’ve been conditioned to be overly worried about his reaction.

I wouldn’t consider his mum ringing you to be something to be afraid of or something that you should change your behaviour to avoid. If you don’t want to speak to her, you don’t have to.

If he turns up at your house, you don’t let him and, if he doesn’t go away, you call the police.

Why do you care if he says wishes you weren’t the mother of his child? So what?

Seriously, you need to stop giving a fuck what this man thinks. You’re giving him power over you and he has none. Literally none. So what if he gets angry? He can’t DO anything. He can’t even communicate with you unless you give him that power.

A little unfair to bread bins, I feel, @ArtistViv - they can be very useful - unlike @cocoloco77‘s ex.