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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD's dad furious because I don't want to homeschool her!

195 replies

cocoloco77 · 08/10/2022 21:57

I have been a teacher for 5 years and share a daughter with a man who is a (insert very rude word here)! I would find it so much easier to parent without him, but I put up with him for DD's sake. Over the years, he hasn't been very forthcoming with maintenance and is generally quite useless tbh.

DD is due to start school next year and apparently, he has "always wanted a child that's homeschooled". He feels that because I am a teacher, I should give up my job and stay at home and homeschool her. I asked how exactly he would expect me to pay my bills if I'm at home all day, and he claims that he would pay me to do this (which I totally don't believe as he's very inconsistent with maintenance payments and I would never put myself in a position where I'm relying on him for money). Furthermore, I don't actually want to homeschool dd and would much rather her be at school. This has resulted in a huge argument with him calling me "toxic" and claiming I don't let him make decisions in our daughters life.

I'm interested to see what other people's views are on this and if I really am being unreasonable?

OP posts:
cooolio · 09/10/2022 11:27

You don't have to navigate talking to him. Just block his number.

Original poster
cocoloco77 · 09/10/2022 12:15

Sacredheart7 · 09/10/2022 11:26

Why are you even engaging with this man when you know you're not being unreasonable.. This is a pointless thread.. You are clearly not being unreasonable. Just ignore the dickhead.

Not a pointless thread, actually. I have received some really good, helpful advice that I will be taking on board going forward. The only pointless comment is yours.

OP posts:
Nowhereelsetogo90 · 09/10/2022 12:21

Tell him if he’s got 42k a year PLUS his maintenance you’d be delighted to home school 😅 he’s not worth thinking about, of course YANBU.

Member869894 · 09/10/2022 12:26

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SleeplessInEngland · 09/10/2022 12:27

Obviously YANBU, but you knew that already.

Original poster
cocoloco77 · 09/10/2022 12:28

Kissingfrogs25 · 09/10/2022 06:28

It’s quite worrying you are still allowing this man any say whatsoever over you ur life op. Most of us would have said hell no and closed the conversation.

You have more work to do to build up your self esteem, confidence and trust in yourself op. Confidence and assertiveness. I’d be pushing for the the CM to be enforced and ignore his silly pipe dreams about home schooling, he is clearly still trying to sabotage your life

He doesn't have any say so over my life, otherwise I would be giving up my career and homeschooling my daughter. I have told him no and am always very assertive with him. I don't have any issues with my self esteem either, my issue is, I have no idea how to coparent with someone who is constantly coming up with ridiculous demands and trying to start arguments with me. This is especially difficult as this is not a situation I have been in before or thought I would find myself in, but I've received some really helpful advice from this thread that I will be taking on board.

OP posts:
SpinningFloppa · 09/10/2022 12:30

Grey rock...

Original poster
cocoloco77 · 09/10/2022 12:33

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When you've had years of someone calling you toxic and unreasonable along with many other names, it does make you question yourself sometimes. Not sure what's so hard to understand about that, what on earth is the matter with you?

OP posts:
Inkyblue123 · 09/10/2022 12:34

He’s not right in the head.

Member869894 · 09/10/2022 12:35

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Original poster
cocoloco77 · 09/10/2022 12:37

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And you need to work on your empathy when talking to people who have just left abusive relationships, thanks.

OP posts:
Member869894 · 09/10/2022 12:39

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Rec0veringAcademic · 09/10/2022 12:45

@cocoloco77 I would throw out the word "coparenting" from my mental dictionary if I were you. You are parenting on your own. From what I can see here, this nutbucket contributes nothing to your and your daughter's life. He just wants to maintain the same abusive control over you, using your own child as his main tool!!
"Coparenting" needs to go. So does his abusive presence in your mind and perception of your family life.
Hugs to you - I never had children, but I have experienced this twisted emotional abuse.

Original poster
cocoloco77 · 09/10/2022 12:46

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Why don't you save your energy and go elsewhere, instead of making comments about things you really have no idea about?

OP posts:
Original poster
cocoloco77 · 09/10/2022 12:47

Rec0veringAcademic · 09/10/2022 12:45

@cocoloco77 I would throw out the word "coparenting" from my mental dictionary if I were you. You are parenting on your own. From what I can see here, this nutbucket contributes nothing to your and your daughter's life. He just wants to maintain the same abusive control over you, using your own child as his main tool!!
"Coparenting" needs to go. So does his abusive presence in your mind and perception of your family life.
Hugs to you - I never had children, but I have experienced this twisted emotional abuse.

Thank you. x

OP posts:
Member869894 · 09/10/2022 12:47

Get angry with him not me

Original poster
cocoloco77 · 09/10/2022 12:49

Member869894 · 09/10/2022 12:47

Get angry with him not me

Thanks, have a nice day x

OP posts:
Grissii · 09/10/2022 12:50

“No that doesn’t work for me”

Luluthecat · 09/10/2022 12:52

I would take a teaching post in Singapore to be honest and rebuild your life

cooolio · 09/10/2022 12:54

Why are you "co-parenting"? Just tell him to fuck off and you'll send DD off down the path on his days to have her.

I like the Singapore idea though tbh

thejadefish · 09/10/2022 13:01

YANBU. You don't want to home school, DD doesn't want to be home schooled and you can't afford to give up work anyway (completely agree that you need to be financially independent don't rely on him!). Personally I think that you are providing a good example to DD by working plus what about DD's friends? She lose that regular interaction with them. School is more than just learning maths and science etc. If it was your DD asking to be home schooled I'd give it more thought but why should you give in to his fantasies about what HE wants from his life, something furthermore that would make both you and DD miserable and vulnerable. Sounds like he's still trying to control you and/or find an excuse to be abusive. Tell him to jog on!

CecilyP · 09/10/2022 13:08

MiddleOfHere · 09/10/2022 00:51

He can't force you to - imagine the court case! The judge would laugh at him.
It's such a ludicrous suggestion.

He's only discovered up with this "lifelong" desire 5 minutes ago because it didn't exist before now.

Try not to give it too much headspace.

The unfortunate thing is that once he moves on from this ridiculous idea, he'll likely come up with some other ridiculous idea in an attempt to get inside your head.

Absolutely this! Funny how you’d never heard of his lifelong desire for a homeschooled child until a term before school applications go in!

Don’t engage, grey rock, follow PPs advice about how best to go about. It will be good practice for a years time when your DD is in school but you’re subjected to the next bee in his bonnet.

Slipslops · 09/10/2022 13:13

There are some very unnecessary and unhelpful comments on here. Ignore OP. Telling men like this to fuck off just does not work.
Honestly please go grey rock on him. You may get a big explosion and backlash from him initially but hold your ground. It does work.
I would email him telling him the only way you will communicate with him going forward is via email, that your child is going to school because it is in her best interests to do so and that you won’t engage on this topic anymore. And don’t. Good luck OP. PM me if you wish, I’ve unfortunately got a narcissist and abusive ex so I know how hard it is x

neverbeenskiing · 09/10/2022 13:15

2bazookas · 09/10/2022 02:04

Tell him his wish is granted. He can come to your home and homeschool his daughter every day, school hours, while you're at work.

You won't see him for dust.

Definitely don't do this.

jeaux90 · 09/10/2022 13:15

OP my ex was a controlling, abusive narcissist (diagnosed one)

It is almost impossible to co-parent well but please read about grey rock.

Grey rock really helps, you need to be boring, no reactions or emotions when dealing with him. Only engage when it's logistics about DD and then response it cold and factual. You protect yourself and your DD as much as you can this way.

www.healthline.com/health/grey-rock#dont-tell-them