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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD's dad furious because I don't want to homeschool her!

195 replies

cocoloco77 · 08/10/2022 21:57

I have been a teacher for 5 years and share a daughter with a man who is a (insert very rude word here)! I would find it so much easier to parent without him, but I put up with him for DD's sake. Over the years, he hasn't been very forthcoming with maintenance and is generally quite useless tbh.

DD is due to start school next year and apparently, he has "always wanted a child that's homeschooled". He feels that because I am a teacher, I should give up my job and stay at home and homeschool her. I asked how exactly he would expect me to pay my bills if I'm at home all day, and he claims that he would pay me to do this (which I totally don't believe as he's very inconsistent with maintenance payments and I would never put myself in a position where I'm relying on him for money). Furthermore, I don't actually want to homeschool dd and would much rather her be at school. This has resulted in a huge argument with him calling me "toxic" and claiming I don't let him make decisions in our daughters life.

I'm interested to see what other people's views are on this and if I really am being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Fuuuuuckit · 08/10/2022 22:50

All of the above.

And call CMS on Monday re maintenance.

DinaofCloud9 · 08/10/2022 22:51

So he wants his daughter home schooled but doesn't want to teach her himself? Ha what a nob. Why even take the slightest bit of notice of him?

Slipslops · 08/10/2022 22:53

I have one of these (insert rude word) exs. We have two children, and quite frankly we would all be better off without him in our lives. He is an abusive and manipulative control freak, like your ex sounds OP, and I really emphasise with you. Some of the advice on here is from people who clearly do not understand how hard it is to deal with an abusive ex, with PR, who set out to make your life difficult. You are doubting yourself but you know what he is asking for is BS. Focus on what is best for your child and yourself and trust your instinct. YANBU, don’t let him fool you into thinking otherwise. That’s what he wants. Communicate by email and go grey rock.

ArtistViv · 08/10/2022 22:54

What an absolute breadbin.

YANBU

LovinglifeAF · 08/10/2022 22:56

What a total wanker.

I hope you are OK x

PropertyGeek525 · 08/10/2022 22:57

YANBU

It’s got to be the right thing for you. No one should pressure you into a full time unpaid role that you don’t feel passionate about.

Ellie56 · 08/10/2022 22:57

He sounds like a massive twat. Tell him in your professional opinion that home schooling is not in your daughter's best interests and she is going to school. End of.

And I would stop engaging with him on the phone too. Use an email address set up just for him which you access once a week. And as he is flaky with maintenance, put in a claim through CMS.

Original poster
cocoloco77 · 08/10/2022 22:58

Slipslops · 08/10/2022 22:53

I have one of these (insert rude word) exs. We have two children, and quite frankly we would all be better off without him in our lives. He is an abusive and manipulative control freak, like your ex sounds OP, and I really emphasise with you. Some of the advice on here is from people who clearly do not understand how hard it is to deal with an abusive ex, with PR, who set out to make your life difficult. You are doubting yourself but you know what he is asking for is BS. Focus on what is best for your child and yourself and trust your instinct. YANBU, don’t let him fool you into thinking otherwise. That’s what he wants. Communicate by email and go grey rock.

I completely agree with you - some of these posters really have no idea what it's like trying to navigate parenting with an abusive ex. Thank you for your advice. x

OP posts:
SwordToFlamethrower · 08/10/2022 22:59

He gonna pay you a teacher's salary plus pension and benefits?

No?

This should be your reply:

"Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha get in th fucking sea you numpty"

Tsort · 08/10/2022 23:04

cocoloco77 · 08/10/2022 22:58

I completely agree with you - some of these posters really have no idea what it's like trying to navigate parenting with an abusive ex. Thank you for your advice. x

Show quote history

His request (demand) is utterly ridiculous. You know this. He cannot compel you to do anything. You know this, also. This isn’t a conversation you should even be entertaining. You definitely know that.

What is it that we’re not getting? What is it you think he’ll do?

sue20 · 08/10/2022 23:05

catsonahottinroof · 08/10/2022 22:11

Yes, it's not complicated at all. You simply say 'I can't afford to' and then let him know that he's welcome to do it himself.

I’m surprised by how many people are suggesting he homeschools his DD himself. He might just take OP up on that. Nightmare!

Greengagesnfennel · 08/10/2022 23:05

Yanbu. Under no circumstances do this. You need to protect your child (and yourself) from his powerplays and you won't be able to do that if you are dependent on him for money.

Pixiedust1234 · 08/10/2022 23:07

some of these posters really have no idea what it's like trying to navigate parenting with an abusive ex.

Very true, I don't. However I do know enough that you don't have to parent with him unless a judge says so. Let him take you to court, for this, for visitation, for everything. And get onto CMS for mantainance instead of waiting for him to give it. Stop communicating with him, and stop saying its for your DD. If he can be abusive to you then he can be abusive to her.

WoopsIdiditagain1 · 08/10/2022 23:08

Pixiedust1234 · 08/10/2022 22:08

If he wants her homeschooled then he can do it. It doesn't have to get more complicated than that.

My thoughts exactly

blubberyboo · 08/10/2022 23:09

You just laugh in his face and tell him he doesn’t get to make decisions about YOUR life or career

Sausagelove · 08/10/2022 23:10

He’s still abusing you. Only communicate via email from now on. Abusing women is a hobby for men like this.

FaazoHuyzeoSix · 08/10/2022 23:12

If he's that keen on homeschooling he can give up his own financial security to do it. Or maybe he could employ a private tutor? He doesn't get to control your life choices. What a dick.

Mummystevo · 08/10/2022 23:12

He’s trying to control you, you be the good ex stuck at home all day homeschooling and not getting out and meeting new people, your dd needs to be in a school meeting others for her social skills, tell him to get lost yanbu

Thesearmsofmine · 08/10/2022 23:14

Haha he’s an idiot, I home ed my own children and still think he’s a knob. Don’t give him any ideas about home educating her himself, you don’t need the hassle of going to court over it.

limitededitionbarbie · 08/10/2022 23:15

Get a real contract off the internet paying private school rates plus boarding, 12 months upfront. He will shit himself.

Keepingitmoving · 08/10/2022 23:18

Good grief! Why does he want to keep his child from mixing with others? Sounds like it’s more about control than education….

Ponderingwindow · 08/10/2022 23:22

i would be seriously tempted to send him an estimate of the real cost of this plan. Don’t forget to include your pension, computers, textbooks, social activities with other homeschool families, etc.

lechatnoir · 08/10/2022 23:25

LaurieFairyCake · 08/10/2022 22:31

Say "I would love to homeschool her, thank you for offering to cover my salary and pension. It's £5000 a month for me to pay for the salary and pension to match my teachers pension, let me know when I can expect the first 3 months in advance"

I dare you to send the above Grin

I'd go down this route but take it a step further:

Having thought about your suggestion for homeschooling further I actually think it's a great idea. Given your inconsistencies with payment so far I will obviously need upfront payment of my salary for the 1st year so look forward receiving payment of £x"

And if by some miracle he does actually pay you, send it back less what he owes you for maintenance and say you've changed your mind Grin

iamjustwinginglife · 08/10/2022 23:26

"he claims that he would pay me to do this"

Brilliant-tell him MS6 teachers earn over £35k per year and if he can guarantee that, you'll do it (or I'll do it!!)

Hapoydayz · 08/10/2022 23:28

You need to laugh at his suggestion. Yes he is trying to continue control. His next step will be that he doesn’t feel she as at the level she should be if you were crazy enough to entertain this. Next you would be a terrible parent and teacher in order to try to wreck your self esteem.