Engaged, but he's refusing to marry me.

[Davegrohlsnewwife]

I have been with my partner for over 5 years. I moved into his house with my DC's (from previous relationship) after a couple of years. He works away a lot, sometimes several months at a time.

Two years into the relationship he asked me to Marry him. He was tipsy so I laughed and told him to ask me when he was sober. I told him to seriously consider what he was asking for, but he remained certain. He then went away for work, so I didn't receive a ring until 7 months later.

We told the whole family, everyone was really chuffed for us - and my family particularly as my previous relationship was very abusive and nearly broke me.

He has been away for a few months again, but has done a complete u turn on marriage. He says he loves me, wants to be with me forever, but just doesn't want the wedding.

I am really miffed. Previously I never really wanted to get married again, but that was until I met my now partner. I was excited because we had planned to elope, then just have a party when we got back.

He still wants me to wear the ring, but to me it feels like a sign of ownership with no commitment. He's due home soon, and I am seriously considering giving the ring back.

I don't know if I Abu or if those feelings of being controlled previously are bubbling to the surface.

AIBU?

Since he told me "if its the job, then you know the answer" I have heard nothing further, and no response to email, not even "I've read it and will discuss with you later". He's done nothing to say "look let's not be silly, we can sort it out". He's just gone cold again.

I might have dreamt it, but I was certain I heard him come home early hours of the morning, woken up by the sound of front door closing. I swore I heard footsteps moving around, but there's no sign of him this morning. Maybe I was dreaming or I've finally lost the plot completely.

Nothing of this makes sense, and I am so confused at his behaviour. I would dearly love a face to face conversation, I like to see a person's body language, but I don't know when/if it will happen.

The uncertainty is what is making me put things in place, because I am not going to stay and be beholden to him, nor live with the fear I might be homeless at any moment.

Nothing is set in stone as yet, but I have a plan ready to go. My friend is very pragmatic no nonsense sort of person, she tends to cut through bullshite and get to the root, so I am looking forward to her take on it all.

@Davegrohlsnewwife sorry for your turmoil and new to this thread. I was curious why marriage is such a deal breaker and forgive me if you have already answered as lots of pages 🤦‍♂️

I know financial security is important for both parties but at the minute he does very little for you financially and he lets you pay the bills? Wow 😮 I couldn’t believe that.

He must warn a fortune and I am an old fashioned bloke who likes to be kind and provide and spoil any partner I’m with but I wouldn’t get married.

He must earn

I would dearly love a face to face conversation, I like to see a person's body language, but I don't know when/if it will happen.

Completely understandable/normal.

I would probably make your plans to leave bit continue living there until he returns and sees you face to face.

He needs to explain why he called off the wedding plans he initiated.

If he refuses to have a face to face, sit down conversation in a 5 yr relationship, that says a lot.

@Andypandy799 but lm hoping / assuming you wouldn’t start going down the marriage route. Then go naaah let’s not

Fair enough if you wouldn't want to get married. But OP's partner DID want to get married - he asked her twice, told their families and planned a stag do!

No of course not, I couldn’t intentionally hurt any person. And if I did love them truly I would bend over backwards for them. I always put others before myself

"I don't want to now and i'm adamant" is not an explanation.

I would make it clear that it is not his work/job as you've been ok with that for years - though the restrictions on communicating (including the fact that he would simply ignore your emails) are weird, extreme and few people would be comfortable with them.

(They're also suspicious but I obviously wouldn't be saying that to his face).

I agree with you I am not defending the guy. I was just wondering why marriage is important as it is for some people? I understand religion but I don’t think it’s all it’s cracked up to be.

Have you been paying ALL the bills? As in 100% of council tax, utilities, food etc?

Well that's a different debate. The dealbreaker for OP isn't the marriage, it's the shitty way her partner is treating her.

Exactly, that’s the difference

So many posters on "well I wouldn't want to get married, I don't care about marriage, you were happy before not being married so what's your problem now" thing .....

Seriously, how obtuse are you being?

This man proposed to op (and unless she's admitted it she didn't put him under pressure to do so), she actually asked him to reconsider when sober and gave him an out, he didn't take that out, he repeated the proposal, they told all their families and friends, he gave op an engagement ring which he had been quite particular about her wearing at all times, he started planning a wedding with her, he started planning a stag do ......
And has now, out of the blue, u turned on the wedding and marriage, given no actual explanation, just "I don't want to", and refused to discuss it when they next spoke. In fact he criticised her for being tense, not in good form, trying to raise it.... Use the excuse of work and the effect on him to shut her down, and then hung up on her.

He has since thrown im stuff about her expecting him to give up his job and how they'll never happen, again, ignoring the wedding issue.

He's also suggested she can keep wearing this now defunct, meaningless engagement ring, on an ongoing basis

That is the issue here, not the "being married, not being married" issue.

His Uturn on something so major that he intiated himself, with no meaningful explanationnor discussion.

*unless she's omitted it

And as general background, the communication/contact situation between op and this man when he's working away is weird. Few people would find it acceptable.
Personally I find it suspicious.

It is due to his behaviour in all of this, plus other stuff, too much to mention here, which is the main problem.

I feel like I am being punished and I don't know why/what I have done wrong.

He has ghosted me now. No replies, my last message regarding an issue with heating is left on unread. I'm wondering if he's turned the heating off remotely as won't work now.

But anyway - off to see my friend, see what she makes of it all, and get an action plan sorted.

Thank you everyone - this has been hugely cathartic for me, and I truly appreciate all your support, advice and time xxx

Think about your questions
Then think about all the possible answers that he might give.

Try to work out what if any answers will give you closure.

I doubt very much anything he says will make you feel better or understand more. I imagine him to be very flippant re the situation and gas light you.

I'd advise leaving before he returns if that's the plan.

His behaviour around the engagement ring in the gym incident is also suspicious.

He apparently values formal commitment so little that he's jettisoned the wedding plans he initiated, will presumably tell his family & friends so (or was he going to lie and style it out as to why the wedding date wasn't being set for years/indefinitely; also shit behaviour)

He's also utterly shit at keeping in contact when he's away. Refuses to video call, won't answer emails, has a "I'll call you, don't call me" policy, does he write texts of WhatsApp messages (?)

Yet he's very observant and particular about op keeping that engagement ring on her wedding band finger all the the time. Questioning and expressing considerable displeasure when op removing it for a very short time for exercise.

Doesn't add up.

The ring thing suggests him being quite territorial and possessive over op, he's very motivated to make sure she appears taken. He also seems suspicious even though she's apparently given him no reason to be. That's classic cheater projection, just saying.

I feel like I am being punished and I don't know why/what I have done wrong.

You've committed the unforgivable sin of showing the slightest displeasure that he's permanently cancelled your wedding plans - you're not allowed to be disappointed, confused, upset, uncomfortable, angry, in need of an explanation etc. .... Even though no person alive wouldn't be.

You also committed the unforgivable sin of saying you find it v difficult to discuss anything with him properly ....partly due to his job (though let's face it, a normal person would video call you and have a proper discussion in necessary circumstances) so it's not really his job.

I'm sorry op. Yes it does sound very much like he's punishing you. For daring to question him and not go according to his plan.

Hope your meeting with your friend goes well. I would also get out of there before he gets back. Which could be any time by the sounds of it as he likes to keep you on your toes

(Not letting you plan anything for the weekend as he made you think he was coming back was cruel and controlling by the way)

And very telling your kids couldn't care less about leaving.

I see it a lot on here. The only thing tying women to dire situations is a desire to 'understand'. Shocking break ups, devastating cheating. And they're unable to move on until they know why. And the sad truth is you'll probably never know.

The only thing is he did it because he didn't care about you.

you sound incredibly strong. You've got this.

Putting aside the suspicious nature of his contact arrangements when working away, and his extreme u turn on marriage plans he initiated.....this general attitude seems to be "my work is my life!!!!! Go along with that or you can fk off".

(He could of course ameliorate the effect of his work on his relationship, as so many people try to, but he doesn't do that either ... He makes it even worse with his weird communication "rules". So it's not just the job, it's his character and behaviour)..

My husband works away a lot. I get the frustration of being told when to expect them home to be told it's been pushed back, it is crushing and disappointing. His job is also safety critical so I'm not able to phone him just because I want to. I've done the whole thing of arguing via WA. I was also engaged to him for 14 yrs before marrying him. I also knew that whatever needed changing his job was not up for discussion and I got that because he was doing his job before he met me and he was not going to get anything locally on that sort of money. I also know that living in hotels or B+Bs is no picnic.
I have worked through a lot of resentment. We don't live near family and I raise my young family single handedly which means I have no social life in the evenings or weekends at all.
I think he needs to know that you feel rejected by him cancelling the engagement. I'm not sure how a relationship can come back from this after all who wants to strongarm someone into marrying them? Best to leave now whilst things are goodish but as he broke the engagement definitely keep the ring, you might need the money in the future. Good luck

I'm wondering if he's turned the heating off remotely as won't work now.

If he's actually done that, he's also a cruel fucker; you haven't even had the chance to find somewhere else for you and your kids. He would be freezing a mum and teenage kids in October.

I have a feeling if you outlined the other behaviour we would be advising you to leave even without the wedding Uturn and subsequent behaviour.

As soon as you’ve sorted out your moving date, contact all the providers and get your name taken off the bills the day that you move.

I wouldn’t stoop to his level, though, let him know that’s the plan, and he can sort out switching them into his name. Purely to ensure he doesn’t make any more a-hole moves, you can’t trust him at this point. ☹️

@Davegrohlsnewwife He has ghosted me now. No replies, my last message regarding an issue with heating is left on unread

He sounds like a text book narcissist OP, it’s all about them ALWAYS, and when you try to express your needs they will gaslight you or give you the silent treatment till you “come to your senses”. This are not the actions of a man who loves or cares about his family, you and the children are living in a house with no heat and he punishes his family because deep down he can’t care less. The more boundaries you try to put and the more needs you try to express is only going to bring more silent treatment and passive aggressive ways of punishment. You making demands is only going to make things get worse because it’s all about him. He has no interest in discussing anything that will not benefit him.

Sorry you're going through this OP but it's for the best as you deserve so much better.

I've been where you are and remember the confusion, the need for an explanation, anything to make it make sense. It took me a long time to accept that I wouldn't get any answers. I think men like this just detach and act cold, they're too cowardly or too emotionally stunted (or both) to deal with the situation properly. It was horrific at the time but I'm so glad that break up happened, as I'm now married to an amazing man.

You're better off single than dragged down by a man who won't commit to you. And if you do decide you'd like a relationship some time down the line, you have room in your life for a good man who will treat you with respect. Don't accept anything less.

It's a tough road but it will get easier from here on.