Engaged, but he's refusing to marry me.

[Davegrohlsnewwife]

I have been with my partner for over 5 years. I moved into his house with my DC's (from previous relationship) after a couple of years. He works away a lot, sometimes several months at a time.

Two years into the relationship he asked me to Marry him. He was tipsy so I laughed and told him to ask me when he was sober. I told him to seriously consider what he was asking for, but he remained certain. He then went away for work, so I didn't receive a ring until 7 months later.

We told the whole family, everyone was really chuffed for us - and my family particularly as my previous relationship was very abusive and nearly broke me.

He has been away for a few months again, but has done a complete u turn on marriage. He says he loves me, wants to be with me forever, but just doesn't want the wedding.

I am really miffed. Previously I never really wanted to get married again, but that was until I met my now partner. I was excited because we had planned to elope, then just have a party when we got back.

He still wants me to wear the ring, but to me it feels like a sign of ownership with no commitment. He's due home soon, and I am seriously considering giving the ring back.

I don't know if I Abu or if those feelings of being controlled previously are bubbling to the surface.

AIBU?

I was in your position 3 years ago op. Moved in to "his" house , paid for decor and fancy lighting, holidays, shopping, but he would
Never let me contribute to the mortgage or bills - everything I paid for he said was separate- course I was bloody paying his bills he just didn't want to phrase it like that because he was scared to death I'd claim something if and when we split .

I saw the light eventually., left with a suitcase, a car full of my things and my dog . It was funny really I realised there wasn't much of "me" or mine there - anything I had brought like craft stuff or cds he shoved in the loft . I was a convenience. He liked my money . He didn't like me . When it came to the marriage discussion he flounced telling me he would
Never marry me . I moved out couple of months later. There were millions of red flags 🚩- just didn't see them .

Anyway I now live alone and it's fine . Easier to pay rent and call it rent than pay for someone else's lifestyle.
The heating thing is exactly what my ex would have done .

Passive aggressive. He changed his will once and didn't tell me . For a year . If he'd died I have got nothing and been turfed out of a house I was effectively paying for .

I'm happy alone . Me myself and I . My kids are grown up.

Such a shame that twat has ruined your opinion of men. I would be horrified if my son ever treated someone that way or daughter!

andypandy

It's not really ruined my opinion- I was married before that for a happy (ish) 25 years , I'd be open to a relationship again but I just wouldn't leap in - I was just smitten with the ex so I just ignored the crap . Now I'm renting my own place , decent job , so leaving it to fate! Tried on line dating which is basically a pick n mix between narcissistic twats, pudgy old men without teeth, playboys or sex pests ! So my shopping cart remains empty . This is actually the first time I've been single in 30 years and I quite like it .

Ah well that’s good to hear. Good luck with the OLD

If he has turned off the heating remotely, he's cruel on top of everything else. Shocking behaviour.

Hope a conversation with your friend gives you further clarity. You'll be OK. You have done nothing wrong. He is punishing you for daring to question him and his actions. Men like him are pathetic really.

Finished my lunch with friend. Moving is set up and ready to go - she's amazing!

Her thoughts are:
You are a trophy girlfriend without the benefits of expensive gifts. He likes to show you off, but will do zero to maintain a relationship.

He is a sheep and listens to too many disgruntled men in the same job with misogynistic attitudes and has applied their logic to you without any basis.

He will do nothing to contribute to the relationship, and expect you to carry everything by yourself, without help or input.

He is burying his head in the sand because he underestimated your intelligence and aptitude and has no reason or excuse for his behaviour.

You need to stop feathering his nest, and get your own.

If I was a bloke, I would have married you yesterday. I can't wait for you to move in to make my life easier!

So I guess that's it. I still haven't heard from him, messages still on unread. I am going home to start packing.

You have a real gem of a friend there Davegrohlsnewwife !

Well done you and all the very best of luck x

Can I steal your bestie? What a wonderful source of support for you.

I'd get packing and be gone before he comes home. Why bother with some dramatic scene? And it'd be much easier to pack without him looking over your shoulder and questioning each item you're taking. And do take EVERYTHING that belongs to you. If you paid for it, it's yours. Frankly, I'd toss an item I didn't want in the bin before I'd leave it there for him.

Pack, move, send him a text saying "I've gone and you know exactly why. Time to take care of your home by yourself." I'd wait 48 hours for a response, then block him. Not to see if he begs you to come back, just to see if there is any 'unfinished business' (like getting your name off something) or if he makes any sort of threat (physical or financial).

And I wouldn't worry about returning his keys. Let him change the locks.

Yep your friends right . I bet he's been talking to scorned and bitter men who are saying don't marry her whatever you do!

Well I hope he's happy with their company! Cos that's going to be all he has.

I am so grateful for my friend! She's also the kids Godmother and "aunty" and she spoils them rotten, so I don't think they'll be upset at the move - quite the opposite to be honest. I going to tell my parents this evening, but will be easier now I have made plans. We estimate moving most things this week, with final leave day probably Saturday, being realistic.

I feel like a weight has been lifted.

Thank you everyone for being a listening ear, you've all been hugely helpful. Sending all fabulous vibes! Xxx

If I was a bloke, I would have married you yesterday. I can't wait for you to move in to make my life easier!

😂😂😂

I can't wait for you to move in to make my life easier!

Nope.

I smell frying pans. And fire singe.

I'm not sure what you mean?

Am I being naive here??! 🤣

I assume friend means financially and not that OP will be scrubbing floors in gratitude.

good for you op and good luck

"I feel like a weight has been lifted."

Says it all, for me. Confirmation that you're doing the right thing, really and truly. So often, we only become aware that we've been burdened when we release ourselves from it.

And your friend is a very good friend. Good luck with the move!

When she said "I can't wait for you to move in to make my life easier" it was tongue in cheek.

We've been friends for over 30 years, but she knows that on the occasions she has to work late, there will be a meal waiting for her, and that I will clean and tidy the house, because of who I am as a person. It's not expected, and I don't do it out of a sense of duty. But let's be honest, it is the least I can do under the circumstances.
To be clear, she doesn't expect me to contribute financially - she wants me to save towards our own home - but I will pay my way, and show gratitude by looking after her while I'm there.

Yay!
So happy to hear that you're already packing, and looking to move out this week.
The sooner the better.
And please take everything you ever bought. I was serious when I suggested leaving the freezer/ food cupboards bare! (unless he actually bought any of the contents himself, which sounds unlikely).
I love the other PP's idea of hanging on to the keys, just so he never knows whether or not you might come back and let yourself in.
And keep/sell the engagement ring - you can always use the £ to pay for eg a Royal Mail redirection. He doesn't need to know where you've moved to.

She's saying do t end up in same position but with a friend this time - I assumed it's a temporary move until you find your feet .

One thing I would do though is tell your now ex fiancé that you are going and why , if you've been together a while I think he needs to know that listening to bitter old men who had to share a pension leads to a lonely old life !

Congratulations @Davegrohlsnewwife !

Don't forget to take a photo of your meter readings to submit to the utility companies, in case he tries a fast one! Also, set up mail redirect asap and make sure you mark on the form to not include your forwarding address in the confirmation letter. Good luck!

I love your mate. And I knew she'd also be an awesome godmother/auntie.

I'm glad you have her and she's got your back.

I'm quite jealous. It sounds like a bloody brilliant place to move into! I'm sure you'll all be super happy.

Take care. And yes as pp has said. Make a note of meter readings. Anything you're on the bills for etc.

Love this. I'm so happy for you

I have heard nothing from him, so I won't extend the courtesy of explaining my actions/ reason for going. At this point he probably won't care.

My friend is very astute, and will make sure I'm not left with overhanging bills, she will nag me to make sure everything is in place.

I have spoken to my parents this evening, and it's weird but not surprising that they felt things weren't right for a while - but didn't say anything because they felt it better to reach the conclusion by myself. They remain supportive and offered the help the could.

I'm overwhelmed by how supportive everyone has been. I know I am lucky and I certainly do not take that for granted. My energy now is focused on the future and what is best for DC's and myself.

I am hoping that by Christmas I can be settled, an obscene amount of decorations, and a fabulous time with friends and family. That is my goal right now.

You aren’t engaged if you aren’t engaged to actually be Married! That’s what an engagement is. I could not get over this if I really wanted to be married. If it doesn’t matter to you then get the ring made into something other than an engagement ring and wear it on your right hand.
This is right up there with wearing a wedding band (unless a widow/widower) and calling yourself married. A ring doesn’t make you married, a marriage makes you married!

OP I meant no ill I promise.

I’m glad the comment was tongue in cheek.

Sometimes, when all you know is making sure others are ok, and are taken a lend of in the process, you worry that it might be a pattern to follow and that some may sense opportunities.

Im sure your friend is fabulous and she has stepped up for sure. Just look after yourself. I was only speaking out of concern. 🌻