Page 21 | Engaged, but he's refusing to marry me.

Davegrohlsnewwife · 2022-10-08T17:11:48+00:00

I have been with my partner for over 5 years. I moved into his house with my DC's (from previous relationship) after a couple of years. He works away a lot, sometimes several months at a time. Two years into the relationship he asked me to Marry him. He was tipsy so I laughed and told him to ask me when he was sober. I told him to seriously consider what he was asking for, but he remained certain. He then went away for work, so I didn't receive a ring until 7 months later. We told the whole family, everyone was really chuffed for us - and my family particularly as my previous relationship was very abusive and nearly broke me. He has been away for a few months again, but has done a complete u turn on marriage. He says he loves me, wants to be with me forever, but just doesn't want the wedding. I am really miffed. Previously I never really wanted to get married again, but that was until I met my now partner. I was excited because we had planned to elope, then just have a party when we got back. He still wants me to wear the ring, but to me it feels like a sign of ownership with no commitment. He's due home soon, and I am seriously considering giving the ring back. I don't know if I Abu or if those feelings of being controlled previously are bubbling to the surface. AIBU?

butterfliedtwo · 11/10/2022 21:08

I am hoping that by Christmas I can be settled, an obscene amount of decorations, and a fabulous time with friends and family. That is my goal right now.

Love this. You will get there sooner than you think.

Original poster

Davegrohlsnewwife · 11/10/2022 21:18

ArcaneWireless · 11/10/2022 21:02

OP I meant no ill I promise.

I’m glad the comment was tongue in cheek.

Sometimes, when all you know is making sure others are ok, and are taken a lend of in the process, you worry that it might be a pattern to follow and that some may sense opportunities.

Im sure your friend is fabulous and she has stepped up for sure. Just look after yourself. I was only speaking out of concern. 🌻

I absolutely took your comment as that, I just wanted to reassure that I'm not going down another bad path.

It is only temporary - and her support means everything to me.

I truly appreciate your concern, and see thats what it is, I just wanted to clarify, as I know written text doesn't carry the same as it does spoken in person. Xx

OP posts:

Original poster

Davegrohlsnewwife · 11/10/2022 21:27

At this moment in time, I wish I could throw a massive party and invite all the fabulous mumsnetters out there, sing and dance to cheesy songs, and celebrate!

Wouldn't that be so cool? But I can't- I can only extend thanks and gratitude for everything. I wish I could do something to show it!

OP posts:

DGay · 12/10/2022 01:04

Davegrohlsnewwife · 11/10/2022 21:27

At this moment in time, I wish I could throw a massive party and invite all the fabulous mumsnetters out there, sing and dance to cheesy songs, and celebrate!

Wouldn't that be so cool? But I can't- I can only extend thanks and gratitude for everything. I wish I could do something to show it!

You just did!

Dustyblue · 12/10/2022 05:58

I'm kind of in awe of you OP! You've been incredibly wise and pragmatic at a time when many of us would be falling in a heap.

Your mate is priceless, how lucky you are there.

Desdichado · 12/10/2022 15:15

She should not sell it. She could get sued for the cost of the ring if she does. Some courts view the ring as part of a contract to get married, if the marriage is called off the contract becomes void and the ring must be returned to the person who purchased it.

CatsandFish · 12/10/2022 15:23

Desdichado · 12/10/2022 15:15

She should not sell it. She could get sued for the cost of the ring if she does. Some courts view the ring as part of a contract to get married, if the marriage is called off the contract becomes void and the ring must be returned to the person who purchased it.

Generally the view is that if she calls it off, she returns the ring. If he calls it off, she gets to keep it. He called the engagement off, he broke the promise to marry, therefore in that case courts wouldn't rule against her.

HellonHeels · 12/10/2022 15:28

CatsandFish · 12/10/2022 15:23

Generally the view is that if she calls it off, she returns the ring. If he calls it off, she gets to keep it. He called the engagement off, he broke the promise to marry, therefore in that case courts wouldn't rule against her.

Show quote history

Might be a custom but in the UK jewellery given as a gift (including an engagement ring) is the property of the person it's given to. Plenty of info on a google search, posted by UK solicitors if anyone wants to be sure.

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/10/2022 15:29

Desdichado · 12/10/2022 15:15

She should not sell it. She could get sued for the cost of the ring if she does. Some courts view the ring as part of a contract to get married, if the marriage is called off the contract becomes void and the ring must be returned to the person who purchased it.

"Some courts". Not UK courts. Or do you have evidence that a UK court has ruled differently?

DaughterofDawn · 12/10/2022 15:50

Desdichado · 12/10/2022 15:15

She should not sell it. She could get sued for the cost of the ring if she does. Some courts view the ring as part of a contract to get married, if the marriage is called off the contract becomes void and the ring must be returned to the person who purchased it.

I thought about this but I know nothing of UK law. I only know that it is a law in many parts of the united states.

80sMum · 12/10/2022 16:04

Hmm. It seems that he already has what he wants, so has nothing to gain (and potentially a lot to lose if it all goes wrong) from marrying.

ThreeblackCats · 12/10/2022 16:11

He needs to ‘piss or get off the pot’

sadly from what you’ve wrote, he’s not going to do either. So it’s your turn op. ‘Put up, or shut up’

you seem like a ‘put up’ kind to me.

the ball is in your court. Leave him or put up with his crap but at least have a home for you and your children.

beenwhereyouare · 12/10/2022 16:41

ThreeblackCats · 12/10/2022 16:11

He needs to ‘piss or get off the pot’

sadly from what you’ve wrote, he’s not going to do either. So it’s your turn op. ‘Put up, or shut up’

you seem like a ‘put up’ kind to me.

the ball is in your court. Leave him or put up with his crap but at least have a home for you and your children.

RTFT, please.

Azandme · 12/10/2022 17:01

ThreeblackCats · 12/10/2022 16:11

He needs to ‘piss or get off the pot’

sadly from what you’ve wrote, he’s not going to do either. So it’s your turn op. ‘Put up, or shut up’

you seem like a ‘put up’ kind to me.

the ball is in your court. Leave him or put up with his crap but at least have a home for you and your children.

In true Chandler Bing style, "Could you BE more wrong?"

monsteramunch · 12/10/2022 17:57

Desdichado · 12/10/2022 15:15

She should not sell it. She could get sued for the cost of the ring if she does. Some courts view the ring as part of a contract to get married, if the marriage is called off the contract becomes void and the ring must be returned to the person who purchased it.

Nope. Maybe you're based elsewhere but in the UK:

The law is clear on who keeps the ring. Under section 3(2) of the Law Reform (Miscellaneous Provisions) Act 1970, an engagement ring should be regarded as an absolute gift unless there is clear evidence to show this was agreed to be returned in the event of the relationship ending. This means that the receiver of the ring is entitled to keep the ring and sell it if they chose to do so.

Original poster

Davegrohlsnewwife · 12/10/2022 19:20

Thank you for letting me know about the ring - I was a bit worried to keep it, but now I know the law, thanks to @monsteramunch I shall sell as soon as possible!

I've been busy packing today, and my lovely friend has found a little 3 bed maisonette not too far from schools. It's a new build and not ready yet, but no stamp duty, and have a furniture package. It might be in budget enough to buy. I think she knows if I am left idle I will collapse into a puddle of snotty tears and not get anything done, so she's not giving me time to wallow just yet. She said when I'm safe at hers, I can stay in bed for a week if need be, but just get this hurdle of moving out of the way.

Still haven't heard from him . . . 😐

OP posts:

Mintyt · 12/10/2022 20:27

I like your friend

monsteramunch · 12/10/2022 20:37

Davegrohlsnewwife · 12/10/2022 19:20

Thank you for letting me know about the ring - I was a bit worried to keep it, but now I know the law, thanks to @monsteramunch I shall sell as soon as possible!

I've been busy packing today, and my lovely friend has found a little 3 bed maisonette not too far from schools. It's a new build and not ready yet, but no stamp duty, and have a furniture package. It might be in budget enough to buy. I think she knows if I am left idle I will collapse into a puddle of snotty tears and not get anything done, so she's not giving me time to wallow just yet. She said when I'm safe at hers, I can stay in bed for a week if need be, but just get this hurdle of moving out of the way.

Still haven't heard from him . . . 😐

The law is a little different if it's a family heirloom, so I would still double check with someone professional as I'm not a lawyer, but yep the law is very clear that (if it's not a family heirloom) it's presumed to be an 'absolute gift' so return cannot be forced.

Good luck OP, you sound like you've got a sensible head on your shoulders and a plan of action

Pixiedust1234 · 12/10/2022 20:52

I'm so sorry OP, but his lack of contact just proves that you are doing the right thing. Dont worry about selling the ring its probably worthless anyway but maybe sell it in a years time to put down as a holiday deposit (or more likely a coffee and a couple of ice creams). A year is fair to wait to see if its suddenly a very important family heirloom, which is highly unlikely considering his mother would have mentioned it.

kateandme · 12/10/2022 21:05

Bring on freedom op

Original poster

Davegrohlsnewwife · 12/10/2022 21:07

The ring isn't an heir loom - I still have the original packaging and certificate of authenticity from jewellers, and I either sell it or chuck it in the sea - I think the former is more sensible!

I have a necklace and a bracelet he bought me a couple of years ago, they're going in the sale pile too. It feels very cathartic! I may have a bonfire tomorrow night and burn stuff that was sentimental but no monetary value, although I'm always worried the fire will get out of hand and set fire to the house, and now it would be especially hard to convince everyone it was an accident!

I'm under strict instructions not to listen to certain music, or watch certain films. Nothing but IT Crowd and ELO currently! 😅

OP posts:

Pugdogmom · 12/10/2022 22:11

Keep us updated OP.

Dustyblue · 13/10/2022 01:05

Laughing at IT Crowd and ELO. You're priceless

Jillybloop393 · 13/10/2022 02:10

Proud of you! Your life can only improve as the weeks roll by - remember the bad stuff when things seem to be a little sad - re-read some of the comments on this thread. Onwards and definitely upwards!!

Andypandy799 · 13/10/2022 05:58

Davegrohlsnewwife · 12/10/2022 21:07

The ring isn't an heir loom - I still have the original packaging and certificate of authenticity from jewellers, and I either sell it or chuck it in the sea - I think the former is more sensible!

I have a necklace and a bracelet he bought me a couple of years ago, they're going in the sale pile too. It feels very cathartic! I may have a bonfire tomorrow night and burn stuff that was sentimental but no monetary value, although I'm always worried the fire will get out of hand and set fire to the house, and now it would be especially hard to convince everyone it was an accident!

I'm under strict instructions not to listen to certain music, or watch certain films. Nothing but IT Crowd and ELO currently! 😅

Good on you and well done for being such a strong and independent woman your kids will be proud. Good luck with the move over the weekend