Engaged, but he's refusing to marry me.

[Davegrohlsnewwife]

I have been with my partner for over 5 years. I moved into his house with my DC's (from previous relationship) after a couple of years. He works away a lot, sometimes several months at a time.

Two years into the relationship he asked me to Marry him. He was tipsy so I laughed and told him to ask me when he was sober. I told him to seriously consider what he was asking for, but he remained certain. He then went away for work, so I didn't receive a ring until 7 months later.

We told the whole family, everyone was really chuffed for us - and my family particularly as my previous relationship was very abusive and nearly broke me.

He has been away for a few months again, but has done a complete u turn on marriage. He says he loves me, wants to be with me forever, but just doesn't want the wedding.

I am really miffed. Previously I never really wanted to get married again, but that was until I met my now partner. I was excited because we had planned to elope, then just have a party when we got back.

He still wants me to wear the ring, but to me it feels like a sign of ownership with no commitment. He's due home soon, and I am seriously considering giving the ring back.

I don't know if I Abu or if those feelings of being controlled previously are bubbling to the surface.

AIBU?

Phffft!! Let him. You tell your truth to whomever you choose; that he reneged on his promise of marriage so you moved out and broke off the relationship, which would obviously have gone nowhere.

Your family and true friends will believe you because they know and love you. As for the rest, remember "Them that minds don't matter, and them that matters don't mind".

Yes all very convenient to blame “the job”.

Im more than sure if the job exists in the context he claims it does, it will be fly in/out on a rotating roster (it’s a H & S issue for staff to have downtime and the big companies know this) and he hasn’t availed the opportunity to fly home on those occasions.

That would be the start of my focus when he brings up “the job”. Not him leaving it which is his focus because he is using it as an excuse to cover his tracks.

and I’m equally positive because his mother and brother are very fond of you, that will be how he plays it.

did he tell your son when he might be back seeing he hadn’t turned up in the weekend as expected?

have You thought about calling the company base in the UK and speaking with them to see if the job actually exists at all where he says he is working? You have nothing to lose other than arming yourself with more information. X

No bother.

I have a horror of doing that!😁

You just tell everyone it ended because he broke off the engagement.

I have spoken to his old boss this evening. They are goods friends so was wary, but he told me they sign a waiver regarding working hours. The reason this particular job is so bad is because nothing else can be done until after this portion of the job is completed and signed off, tested etc, and notoriously fails each time. He said its a real pain, and they would be under constant pressure to get it done. I asked about the H&S aspect, and he said that some things do get conveniently ignored due to hefty fines for going over the time frame. He said that there will be occasions when they swap contractors around, but they are currently working 24 hours, and have no spare labour to cover.

I asked him when he thought it would finish. He told me the deadline has been 11/10/22 for some weeks now (he still talks to his buddies there) so was confused why he told me different dates. I just said I must have gotten confused.

So, I don't really know.

I did today send him an email. I thought I would try and reach out, to tell him how I felt, probably a stupid thing to do, but it's all just so weird, it doesn't make any sense. It doesn't change my plans, I am meeting up tomorrow with my friend to plan logistics, but as much as I want to walk away, I think I need some sort of answer if at all possible to get my head around what's happened.

At the end of the day, he broke off the engagement without giving me a proper reason, and continues to refuse to do so.

So he called off the wedding and you're not even allowed to be upset about it. It's all about him, he doesn't care how you feel, he doesn't care he's hurt you, it's only about him, in his mind he's the only one that counts and you should put up and shut up.

I hope you find happiness OP!

But in the end, does the job and what it entails really matter? Even if he worked in town, the fact is that he has said he doesn't want to marry you but he still wants you to wear the ring. You've discovered you want the commitment that marriage brings. Why should you settle for less than what you want?

Many people have successful relationships/marriages when one member works out of town for long stretches. Think about forces families, oil workers, diplomatic workers, doctors without borders, etc. The difference is that these workers don't tell their loved ones 'don't call me, I'll call you' and put continual obstacles or excuses in the way of keeping the relationship going. They appreciate the one who keeps the home fires burning and do their utmost to support them when they, themselves, are away from home. Above all, they remain faithful. I'm not saying he's cheating, but he certainly isn't doing his utmost to keep your faith in him alive.

Don't focus on the job, it's not really the issue here. Focus on the future and the life you want.

What do YOU want? Doesn't need to be an argument or right and wrong, but it sounds like you're not getting what you want and need.

Take the ring off and stop feeling sorry for him. Take better care of yourself and your children. Dyslexic doesn't mean horrible...

I’m pleased you spoke to someone in the know, that sorts some of it out. He is right when he says about the penalty clauses in a contract not finished, although if the work is continually failing, I would have to think it’s because people are tired and getting stuff wrong.. vicious cycle.

I agree with you that you need and deserve some answers. Let’s see if you get a reply to your email, although if they are under the hammer like his colleague thinks, he might put it in the too hard basket for now.

Have you asked him outright if it’s because he is worried about losing assets should the married relationship fail? hit that nail on the head right away…x

Totally agree with this. I never wanted to get married but felt it the next step/right thing to do. We're still together and he works away too but feel we should have stayed as we were. I too would have been happy with engagement/commitment ring. We've been together 16 years this year.

@expat101 I asked him in my email if the reason was financial, but I don't know if he will even respond to that. He never normally responds, but there's a part of me that hopes that considering this a rather serious issue he might relent this once.

What does that have to do with OP? This is like saying “well I don’t know why you hate strawberry, it’s my favourite flavour. Therefore you should love it because I like it!”

Op wants to get married. You are content not getting married. That is fine. But that doesn’t mean OP’s feelings should be null and void. At this point it’s not even about that anyways. This has more to do with her partner lying, manipulating and financially abusing her.

I think that had he just offered a commitment ring, I would have accepted, but to ask me twice, tell friends and family, plan it, then say you've changed your mind with no reason is harsh. And quite shitty.

I know you're going through a difficult time, but if you were my friend I'd be asking you to actually listen to yourself.

" .... hopes ..... he might relent .... "

Relent?

As in treat you/your feelings with some respect on this special occasion?

I'm so sorry ... but he does sound like he has another life (girlfriend) somewhere. Not easy, but it's probably best to make a new life for yourself. Good luck xx

If he's working really long hours and has no free time and is exhausted, why break off the engagement right now? It makes no sense. Someone in that situation would wait until they had time off and to see you in person, when their mind was clear for it.

Good luck OP. Leave him.

OP I've followed your thread since the beginning and I have a few thoughts, probably not what you want to hear, and definitely not what most other people on this thread would say, but hopefully gives you something to think about.

From the outside, it looks as though you've gone 0-100 in the space of 24-48 hours purely off the thoughts and advice in this thread alone. Correct me if I'm wrong, but prior to the conversation about him no longer wanting a wedding / marriage, you were happy in the relationship - correct? And before he badgered you about getting married, you weren't much bothered about it - correct? It seems a HUGE 180 to suddenly go from being happy and engaged, to miserable, hating him, not trusting him, blocking him, moving out of the house and breaking up entirely purely because he no longer wants to get married. From what you've posted, you don't have any evidence or even any legitimate reason to believe he's been unfaithful? Or is untrustworthy? So why all of a sudden have you blocked him without even giving him a chance to discuss it with you?! You weren't unhappy before this, why now? Him suddenly deciding to end the engagement is a HUGE blow and I'm not for one second suggesting you need to stay with him if you're unhappy, but it doesn't sound like that's why you're not happy. Embarrassed, yes, but you didn't desperately want the marriage or the wedding anyway, so why would you end it just because he no longer wants it either? Surely this is something you discuss together like a mature couple when he gets home? Why do you suddenly need to do a disappearing act on him and block him so you can't speak? It seems such an extreme reaction when you've not even had a chance to discuss it with him properly.

I don't think he's in the right, I think he's a shit head and he's treated you really really really badly. But do I think it's necessarily enough to end the relationship without even having it out with him? No. I definitely don't. I think this thread has riled you up to the point that you feel like you have no other choice but to leave, but MN isn't real life, and in real life people don't run away because someone else tells them to.

I think you need some time out to sit and think about what YOU WANT. And if you want to be with him regardless of the marriage then that's ok. How do you know he's cheating? You weren't unhappy with the set up before all this happened so why all of a sudden now are you? Wait until you've spoken to him before making any rash decisions. For your children's sake as well as your own.

I agree this needs to be discussed face to face.

Yes he is an absolute shite with his communication, definitely needs to upskill there.

7 months away from home is unacceptable but was this a covid lock down response by the country he was in? Where I am, we are still waiting for normal airline schedules to commence, it’s coming in dribs and drabs, but nothing like pre covid travel.

he is a shite for insisting you wear the engagement ring at the gym, need to find out a bit more of what’s that about but after reading the colleagues take on what is going on, on-site, I think for the moment some slack needs to be cut.

and yeah Mumsnetters always resort to the fall back position of the male being a count and to leave him…

This.

@3rdtimecharm I can't believe you've read the entire thread and written "So why all of a sudden have you blocked him without even giving him a chance to discuss it with you?!" - have you forgotten the bit when she tried to ask him about it on the phone, and suggested they needed to have a serious chat on his return, and he snapped at her quite rudely about how hard he'd been working (and basically told her he "wouldn't bother" calling again if she wasn't going to be act all sweetness and light when he deigned to make contact) and acted v defensive.
I think that incident was the turning point. You don't treat a partner who you love and care about like that.

She's told us that her teenaged children aren't that bothered about staying in the house, aren't particularly close to this guy and are unlikely to be upset about moving out... so I'm not sure what you mean by "for the sake of the children".

She's also made it clear that she knows she has choices, and leaving is one of them, not the only one. But also that she's lucky enough to have a friend who will take her and the kids in, so it'll be a lot easier for her to move than it is for many other women in similar situations.

I have read the entire thread, and am cheering the OP on cos I think she deserves to be happy, and find a decent guy who won't treat her like this. Even if he isn't 'cheatiing' on her/ having a secret relationship with some other woman, I don' t think she should waste her time acting as his unpaid housekeeper/ house-renovator/ cook and laundry-maid any longer.

There is a tonne of red flags here op.

• away for 7 months at a time
• no reason for breaking off the engagement
• won't allow any questions
• gets angry when you say you feel upset

Honestly, it wouldn't surprise me if he was already married with a family.

His job sounds portable and perfect to maintaining this sort of deception.

My rule of thumb is: if it doesn't make sense, there's a lie somewhere.

thank you. I was truly stunned when I read the comment and I could not even articulate how screwed up the entire thing was and everything that was wrong about it. But you worded it perfectly. Agree completely! Thank you!

I think he's probably going to tell people we broke up because of his job. Then it's not his fault

In your shoes op, when you leave I'd drop his family a message telling them you've left as your df called off the wedding. Not that it matters but I'd be damned if people didn't know the real reason for the split and thought it was due to his job