Why do women hate an OW?

[Oatmealbiscuits]

When a woman is seeing a married man, why do people say they wouldn't want her as a friend, in their lives anymore etc? Why are they judged solely on one thing when there may be so many other positives to their character.

I'm curious really, for the record I'm not an other woman, but my friend is. It's her business and I shall be there when the shit inevitably hits the fan.

If some posters on here had their way, she wouldn't have friends and would be isolated and lonely. I just don't think anyone deserves that when in reality it's the man who has taken vows.

No one has solely blamed the OW for an affair. Not one poster.

Oh, we always get a bit of quick lip service about him but read it on a more intelligent level, between the lines. He gets a quick mention and then on it goes to focus on the OW. The threads are always about the OW. Of course I'm not saying we can "never" discuss the OW, but if you think there's any chance of that happening, you really aren't paying any attention.

We rarely if ever get threads asking how a MM could shit on his family or whether you'd stay friends with an OM or cheating MM or why men don't adhere to dude code. It's always focused on the OW and a quick "he's to blame" immediately gives way to BUT THE HORRIBLE OW WHY CAN'T WE GO ON AND ON ABOUT HER.

The most frustrating thing in the whole dishonest double standard is that it primes the world for male cheating and encourages it. Why wouldn't they, if they aren't held wholly responsible and people think their just reward for cheating is to go on cheating, as per the "haha, he'll cheat on you too and you'll deserve it"?

If she was my friend, I probably wouldn't care. Presumably, our friendship is based on other things. I wouldn't like to listen to her whinge about it, though. But I don't really like listening to people whinge about things they are the cause of anyway.

It would be illegal for the employer, not the person being offered the job. "You can’t make someone redundant or sack them without reason," this does and can happen, including demotion in favour of promoting another colleague. It happens quite frequently in corporate environments actually. Nice attempt to get around it though!

Does anyone seriously think its OK to get someone fired to take their job?

I have a feeling I am feeding something under a bridge.

No where would be advertising a position that is currently filled.

Well then, it's a right turd of a boss who goes looking for a new recruit for the position anyway, isn't it? Who else is responsible for who he hires?

The employer though is the man in that scenario. It’s not the new employees (ie ow) fault what the employer does, they are not responsible for that.

Just looked it up on Google and 5-7 % of affairs end in marriage. Of those marriages 75% end in divorce. Of the tiny percentage, 2 or so percent of affair marriages that last, some may not be perfectly happy. Essentially the chance of an affair turning into a happy marriage is absolutely miniscule. So another element to this is that when a woman cheats with a married man, she is risking destroying a family for a one or two percent chance of lasting happiness. By contrast if she marries a single man hand neither have been married before they have perhaps a 70% chance of the marriage ending in death rather than divorce.

The question should be would you sneakily take someone else’s job? They already have the job, you don’t, just as someone else already has the partner, you don’t until you sneakily start an affair. People with any morals would not do either.

I would be surprised if any woman decides to 'go after a married man'. And a committed, married man would not look twice at anyone else because he loves his wife/partner and has morals and devotion. His head would not be turned. If his head has been turned, then he's a cheating fuck and that's on him.

I didn't say deliberately get someone fired to take their job. When you can't answer the question so have to resort to troll accusations 😂 From the lack of and evasive responses I think I have my answer 😉

My best friend was an OW for some time, even she isn't sure how long due to all the lies.

The guy she was in a relationship with is an abusive narcissist with a coke habit (and a professional job) and both my friend and his exW (friend of friends) were victims, as presumably is his current girlfriend and any future girlfriends OW.

I stuck by her because I could see what he was, he stole 7 years of her life, she has finally moved on now.

But surely this is a false analogy ? When going for a job there is a interview process ( usually) for a vacant position . The employer is not sneakily trying to replace an existing employee without their knowledge or undermine an existing employee by running a second person along side them . Even if the job was one I really wanted I wouldn’t go for it as I would a) think the employer was not trustworthy and would treat me equally as badly and b) I would not like to behave in such a poor way , ie knowing I was behaving badly to the existing employee

Because by having an affair you're being a willing coconspirator to putting another human beings sexual, emotional, physical and mental health at risk.

It's lame, desperate, pathetic and shows a complete lack of empathy,

Yes, it is on him. I agree with that 100%. But the OW could have found out he was in a relationship, and walked away too. She knew my ex was with me... she was with someone too.

TicTac80 - so true.

I blame them both in equal parts - this whole bullshit he took vows and he is the one who broke them is such a cop out for the responsibility of the OW.

Ex made his decision and deeply regrets it now - tough
OW - was a family friend we went on holidays with - so knew the ins and outs of our life. I would talk to her like a friend about issues we were having and my thoughts, ideas for b day presents etc andlo and behold she would go out and get the same presents, talk through his issues etc etc. I was in a shitty place - ill, parent dying sick child, frazzled, trying to work be a wife and mother and she used the opportunity on her inside knowledge to step in. Her own partner had just changed jobs was working like a dog to provide the not inconsiderable lifestyle she demanded and she was a bored SAHM. It was the deviousness and using our friendship to get information that I hate her for.

I hve to have a relationship with EX because of the DCS - I have no need to have one with the OW and her treatment of our children after we split and they moved in was abusive - she and only she is responsible for that.

Yes, the employer would be at fault in that scenario, of course.

But don't you think it says something about the new employee as well, if they are knowingly happy to go along with that scenario? I think your standards are really very low if you're prepared to work for an employer like that.

I would not work for an employer who somehow pushed out a good employee to make space for me and I would be concerned they might do the same to me. So I would not take that job.

It’s not up to anyone other than the employer whether he fires someone though. Maybe the employee would have been fired anyway.

Yeah but would you shun someone who did take the job?

I absolutely disagree. any thread where a cheated on wife is focusing on the OW always has lots of people pointing out their husband shouldn’t be getting a free pass and they should forget the OW and concentrate their anger at their husband.

There’s loads of threads asking and talking about men and how they could be shitty. From them cheating, to emotional or physical abuse, to be being a shit dad or not pulling their weight in the house. There’s literally hundreds every month.

Again no one is saying don’t hold men responsible. But I don’t like people who abuse or enable abuse. Which both the married person and the OM/OW are doing, imo.

I do think far too many people forgive a cheating spouse. But I also get it. When your finances and entire life is tied to a person it’s harder to walk away. But I think blaming people who do forgive for giving the impression that men cheating is really poor, tbh.

When someone is cheated on asking them to think about what message they are sending to society at large rather than towards their own needs is a big ask and an unfair pressure to put on them.

Telling people ‘if your friend is the OW and it changes how you feel about them it’s enabling men to cheat’ is just ridiculous. I wouldn’t remain friends with a OW/OM or a person cheating on their partner.

This is a fantastic question.

The women on Mumsnet seem to have a black and white view on it that I don't recognise from any of my friendships with women or my female family members.

I was an OW. I believed every word he said when he told me he was just waiting for the time to leave her, it was dead in the water, then became hopelessly in love with him and found it hard to bring myself to accept the truth.

I did, after a number of months tell him I couldn't cope with the OW situation and had to cut him off completely for my own sanity. I don't doubt he has another OW now.

My friends knew about it all and were just there to help me pick up the pieces once I came to the realisation that they on the outside had known all along.

There's a million shades of grey there.

I bet most of the commenters on here saying about how it’s misogynistic to abhor the behaviour of the OW and that she doesn’t owe the wife anything etc etc and that the man never gets blamed blah blah are either currently OW or have been and been burned by it all coming out and the man ended up staying with his wife and seemingly moving on with life unpunished.

It’s perfectly acceptable to think BOTH parties involved in an affair are acting like dickheads. It’s not misogynistic to say that you think a woman is acting like a selfish, moral free idiot by going for a married man…. And I myself have been the OW. Nothing makes it right, blame is on both of them no matter how much you think otherwise.

It's a sign that someone has no morals, no self-control, no self-respect, or some other serious failing. It's just a very scummy thing to do.

I think we do owe it to other people not to have sex with their committed partner or spouse, just as we owe it to them not to steal from them or make up rumours about them, etc.

@MsPincher If you had a friend that was lovely and kind and thoughtful and generous but homophobic or racist, would you ignore the latter because of the former?

I couldn't, and I see the absolute lack of morals involved in (knowingly and for a sustained period of time*) shagging a Man who is married, no matter what bullshit tales he tells, as a less abhorrent but still unpalatable aspect of a personality.

*Grey areas everywhere. Make a brief mistake and then think better of it and extricate yourself, then fair enough.