Why do women hate an OW?

[Oatmealbiscuits]

When a woman is seeing a married man, why do people say they wouldn't want her as a friend, in their lives anymore etc? Why are they judged solely on one thing when there may be so many other positives to their character.

I'm curious really, for the record I'm not an other woman, but my friend is. It's her business and I shall be there when the shit inevitably hits the fan.

If some posters on here had their way, she wouldn't have friends and would be isolated and lonely. I just don't think anyone deserves that when in reality it's the man who has taken vows.

Things are different in Paris (they really are not)
Ah now you have shattered my long held impression of French people all liberally shagging each other outside their marriages

At which point it’s still weird the only person they want in the whole world is a cheating Arsehole. Still poor judgement.

My friends saw me carted off to hospital for a month after I was cheated on, and the fallout from that that has lasted for years.

If they go after a married man (or one in a long term relationship - we were not married) after seeing what it did to me, they are scum and I could not be friends with someone like that. I could not stand by a friend who was potentially putting someone else through what I went through.

Not everyone wants a fully committed relationship. Some APs, like some FWBs, are getting exactly what they want.

They don’t owe a random person anything - just like if you took a job another random woman wanted. Why is it when there’s a man involved they suddenly need to be thinking differently…oh wait…I know exactly why.

It's more like going to my boss, trashing my reputation with them, getting me sacked, and then taking my job. Yours is a very odd and invalid comparison.

As I've said before, the man is very much at fault. But the OW isn't blameless in this. And what does she get? He's hardly a prize, is he? If he can cheat with you, he can cheat on you.

I find it incredibly selfish. If my friend were doing that, I'd find it awful she was a part of causing another person pain. Especially if children were involved. I've seen first hand how children's lives can be completely fucked up after an affair. Still affects then to this day and they're early 20s now.

I’d rather the single fwb. Keeping my self clean. A man or women who cheats and gets away with it is likely cheating with more than one person. A single fwb is more likely to be open and honest about chances etc.

even from a std point of view.

It's not 'lacking in morals' when you don't know her from adam. Who has loyalty like that for strangers? Sorry but that's ridiculous

Lots of OW know the ex - work colleagues, friends, cousins, sisters. It is very common for the OW to be someone in your life you considered your friend.

But I don’t buy the ‘it’s ok to be shitty to other people, if you gain from it, as long as you didn’t promise that I wouldn’t be shitty to them’

If I saw a man humiliatingly a woman in the street, I wouldn’t join in because he was attractive and a ‘potential suitor’. Or join in and say ‘well I never promised to not be shitty to you so I am going to join in, on the hope he picks me’

You are talking about men as though women need at man at any cost and should be grateful for any man who wants to shag them.

And I absolutely stand by my statement. Any man who shags around behind his partners back is not a prize.

Poor judgement or not that doesn't make it morally wrong.

Well that's fair enough and I think it's much wiser for many reasons. But the point is, there's no point criticising people for not having a fully open and committed relationship if that's not actually what they want. People so often say that the OW is a fool for having a secret and "incomplete" relationship, on the (usually sexist) assumption that she couldn't possibly want it this way.

XH cheated and OW was actually one of my friends (who was at our wedding some years before). Now I put the blame mainly at XH - he made those marriage vows to me. But I also blame OW - she was a supposed friend of mine and saw him making those vows to me!! I think it’s one thing if an OW/OM didn’t know a bloke/woman is in a relationship. But it’s bloody awful if she/he knowingly goes with someone who is.

When the whole sordid mess came out, I filed for divorce, and our mutual friends stopped talking to both of them. XH’s (now ex) best friend had found out about it, refused to lie for XH and gave XH the ultimatum: either XH tells me or he will. XH didn’t, got shitty with BF, and carried on seeing OW, so BF told me (and also dropped XH as a mate). I’ll always be grateful to the xBF for telling me. He’s a good bloke and we’ve stayed friends since.

I guess my friends and I don’t like cheats and don’t want to be associating with them.

I wouldn’t be friends who didn’t share values with me. I would judge her choices because an affair is a choice.

I think it's interesting how their are some people who base their moral compass roughly on considering the feelings family and friends and other people who feel their duty to consider people's feelings extends to society in general/ strangers. I think that is why people are not agreeing basically. This is essentially a question of whether people should put their desire for a man above the needs of a random woman and often her children. Some people are fine causing a stranger pain if it means they get what they want. There are some people who put their desires over anyone elses needs, for example people who sleep with their friend's spouses.

I see the "it's a moral obligation!" crew can't seem to answer my question? I'll ask again:

Would you walk away from a job you really wanted if it meant a random person had to lose their position?
I very much doubt it.

@coffeeandpoetry well that’s illegal. You can’t make someone redundant or sack them without reason to employ someone else. If they’re being sacked, that’s on them not the replacement.

No where would be advertising a position that is currently filled.

Just like no one would be after a partner when they already have one.

This is a genuine question - if one of them found out their husband was having an affair, would you feel able to comfort them and provide them with a safe listening ear or would that feel hypocritical?

I can't imagine wanting to confide in a friend that my partner was having an affair if I knew that friend was also either married and having an affair or knowingly shagging a man who isn't single.

So I always wonder what happens in that situation.

Not because I think they're somehow 'worse' than the man, at all. Because I don't. A married cheat of either sex is 100% responsible for their behaviour. As is everyone.

Nothing to do with misogyny. It’s possible to dislike all parties involved for their lack of morals and lack of respect for the innocent party. No one said the OH was the only person who was judged.

It isn't good behaviour, to say the least. But I think it can be dangerous to become too self righteous.

Would you walk away from a job you really wanted if it meant a random person had to lose their position?

Of course I would. If the job was advertised and vacant that would be different. But would I knowingly push someone out of a job for my own selfish ends? Absolutely not. There are other jobs out there. And who wants a job with the kind of people who will sack you and push you out, when a younger, hotter offer comes along? Not me, that's for sure.

That’s not an equivalence.

But if my employer offered to promote me and told me ‘we will sack X so we can give the role’, I would be looking a new job. I wouldn’t trust an employer who offered to do that.

This. No one is perfect- why does this in particular disqualify someone from being a friend? It wouldn’t to me. Not to say I think it’s a good thing to do - I don’t. But all of my friends have imperfections. That’s life. I don’t see anyone else on mn overly concerned about their friends “morals” in any other way so I think it is a possession thing.

my dad cheated on my mum- she was furious but their relationship was dead years ago. It was an “exit affair”. I don’t care about the ow - if men choose to cheat it’s their choice, they are not helpless possessions.

I had a (now ex) boyfriend who screwed one of my sisters.

They’re both scumbags who lack a good moral compass.

If we were both applying for the job at the same time, then of course I wouldn't walk away.

But would I want a job if it was advertised behind the current postholder's back and then they were sacked to make space for me without following due process? Er, no. I absolutely wouldn't want to work for a company that treated its staff in that way.