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Original poster

Why do women hate an OW?

1000 replies

Oatmealbiscuits · 08/10/2022 17:47

When a woman is seeing a married man, why do people say they wouldn't want her as a friend, in their lives anymore etc? Why are they judged solely on one thing when there may be so many other positives to their character.

I'm curious really, for the record I'm not an other woman, but my friend is. It's her business and I shall be there when the shit inevitably hits the fan.

If some posters on here had their way, she wouldn't have friends and would be isolated and lonely. I just don't think anyone deserves that when in reality it's the man who has taken vows.

OP posts:
Cornflakegirll · 10/10/2022 05:55

Skydaze · 10/10/2022 04:09

Speaking as someone who's family friend died after contracting HIV from her husband, who got it from his side-piece. Affairs have consequences - women have the right to know the exact terms in which they are having sex and the nature of the risk they are taking - that right doesn't cease just because you're married or in a relationship.

A massive element of the cheated-on partner's consent to sex within the relationship is removed by an affair. The choice to potentially participate in a version of rape (ie sex not able to be fully consented to due to pertinent details being hidden / the basis of consent being changed unilaterally without agreement or knowledge / sex obtained by deception) is not ever ok in my book. Yes the married person has responsibility, but if the OW knows he's married then she also made her choice. Anyone knowingly participating in the removal of another woman's consent is no friend of mine.

And c'mon - of course he's going to say he's not sleeping with his wife. Are you really going to trust the word of a proven liar?

This is a huge point and one that gets missed repeatedly. Affairs are a form of abuse to a betrayed. The cheat is abusing but the abuse can't happen without the willing participation of the affair partner. Male or female. I could never knowingly remain friends with someone who believes that their right to a 'good time' 'good feels' whatever overrides the right of a betrayed to their personal agency, their sexual consent and right to safety.

I couldn't care less if they're male OR female. I've also known plenty of men sideline male friends involved in affairs. Internalised misogyny is just spouted to try and shut women up. It's so lazy to shout 'what about the husbands' as if that's some sort of triumph, we KNOW about the husbands and their lack of morals, we're not stupid, but that's not what this thread is about!

And I do find it ironic as the only women hurting other women here are the ones having affairs with married men.

Hitatiks · 10/10/2022 06:51

Amybelle88 · 09/10/2022 19:38

Completely disagree.

I'm fully willing to say the man is an absolute piece of shit.

A human who purposely hurts another human for their own gain is disgusting - whether they are the OW or the husband, both equally a pair of cunts to be honest.

Show quote history

Yeah people say this when challenged on the obsessive focus and dehumanizing language aimed at OW. But they only say it then.

And we can all see that these threads are all started about OW. People don’t start threads about, ‘why does everyone hate a cheating man’, ‘why do women become OW’. Do they?

And that tell you something significant about society’s different attitudes to men and women around sex and relationships.

CrustyFlake · 10/10/2022 06:54

I suppose that context is important - there might be some rare and unusual circumstances where it's ok. Anything where the "affair" isn't really a betrayal? But in almost all cases, an affair IS a betrayal. Being complicit in that is really shitty.

It's the same reason why a lot of people would automatically not want to be friends with someone who steals from people, lies to people etc. It marks you out as an untrustworthy and unpleasant person, in most cases.

Hitatiks · 10/10/2022 07:08

Gotskeaswr · 09/10/2022 21:01

I do think if DP had an affair I’d still be more pissed of with them than with the OW.

This! I think this is what I find saddest about this bile against OW. They nearly always an irrelevance. They could have been anyone.

All that emotional effort and pain expended on an irrelevance!

The only thing that mattered was that your H chose to have an affair and chose to gamble with the family happiness and your mental health.

ReneBumsWombats · 10/10/2022 07:12

Internalised misogyny is just spouted to try and shut women up.

It's called out to hold men responsible for themselves. It's horrible how many women get so angry about it. Cheating men are laughing.

WhatsAVideo · 10/10/2022 07:16

ReneBumsWombats · 10/10/2022 07:12

Internalised misogyny is just spouted to try and shut women up.

It's called out to hold men responsible for themselves. It's horrible how many women get so angry about it. Cheating men are laughing.

Yep. They are untouchable due to this

Gotskeaswr · 10/10/2022 07:20

‘I'm a highly educated woman to be honest (BA, MA) . In a job that requires a high level of literacy and writing skills ironically. I'm not bothered about 'outing' myself, I'm a writer and easily traceable.
I call a cunt a cunt 🤷🏻‍♀️’

sort of proves my point!

Gotskeaswr · 10/10/2022 07:20

I also call a cunt a cunt but don’t use the word as a swear word meant to demean women or their bodies.

malificent7 · 10/10/2022 07:22

Imo girl code is not mysogynistic. Women are an oppressed group. As a human and a woman, I like to think that I have empathy and a sort of solidarity with other members of an oppressed minority.
Cheating with a married man is hurting another member of the oppressed minority and demonstrates a lack of empathy, morals and i am not friendly with people like this. It's a betrayal.

I suppose in nature, females compete for a mate and some women just love to prove they are more desirable and sometimes the ow is a better match.

ReneBumsWombats · 10/10/2022 07:24

Imo girl code is not mysogynistic. Women are an oppressed group. As a human and a woman, I like to think that I have empathy and a sort of solidarity with other members of an oppressed minority.

Ah yes, the double bind of experiencing oppression and therefore also being held responsible for fixing it...

WhatsAVideo · 10/10/2022 07:28

malificent7 · 10/10/2022 07:22

Imo girl code is not mysogynistic. Women are an oppressed group. As a human and a woman, I like to think that I have empathy and a sort of solidarity with other members of an oppressed minority.
Cheating with a married man is hurting another member of the oppressed minority and demonstrates a lack of empathy, morals and i am not friendly with people like this. It's a betrayal.

I suppose in nature, females compete for a mate and some women just love to prove they are more desirable and sometimes the ow is a better match.

Refusing to hold the one who broke the vows, lied to your face on many occasions, gaslit you when you had suspicions is the most damaging thing you can do for women.

“Girl code”, are you 12?!

JenBenJevi · 10/10/2022 07:31

I had 2 friends who both had more than one affair with married men. There were kids involved in each situation and there was no happy ever after in any of the affairs. You may notice that I say had not have 2 friends because neither of them turned out to be very good friends and when things changed in my life they both ran for the hills and haven’t been seen since. Both of these ex friends are quite damaged people who focus on the wrong things to make them happy and walk away at the drop of a hat. These were people I had known for years and thought were friends for life so it hurt a lot at the time but on reflection it’s better to know. With hindsight I can see the moral compass just wasn’t there.

Liorae · 10/10/2022 07:46

bloodyplanes · 10/10/2022 00:02

Nope, I would rather be all those things than an OW!

Show quote history

I wouldn't.

Skydaze · 10/10/2022 07:50

Hitatiks · 10/10/2022 06:51

Yeah people say this when challenged on the obsessive focus and dehumanizing language aimed at OW. But they only say it then.

And we can all see that these threads are all started about OW. People don’t start threads about, ‘why does everyone hate a cheating man’, ‘why do women become OW’. Do they?

And that tell you something significant about society’s different attitudes to men and women around sex and relationships.

Show quote history

Well I can't speak for anyone else, but as far as I'm concerned the OW/OM is an enabler of abuse, and the cheater themselves is the abuser. In my view someone who cheats and still has sex with their partner, knowing full well their partner would not consent if they knew about the affair, is a rapist. Consent by deception is not a whole lot different to consent by roofie or alcohol or sleep or coercion or stealthing or grooming or any other way abusive people get what they want. I don't remain friends with rapists or abusers, end of.

The OW/M is somewhat incidental to this, sure, but it doesn't make them innocent - if they know the other person has a partner and they choose to enter the affair, they then become party to abuse, they are complicit in removing another person's consent. I don't remain friends with people who view consent as dispensable or any form of rape culture or abuse as acceptable. And affairs - where one party is having sex with two people and only one of them knows and consents to this - are a form of rape culture. The cheated-on is not viewed as being worthy or having right to full, informed consent in their sexual relationship nor right to bodily autonomy. I find this completely disgusting and reprehensible - and it is on BOTH parties involved in the affair (where the OW/M knowingly enters into the affair).

As for my friends husband - his jolly was her death sentence. She had underlying conditions. They had young children. She wasn't given the chance or choice to protect herself. I view him as a murderer - he may as well have played Russian roulette with a gun to her head. I hope he rots in hell.

Cornflakegirll · 10/10/2022 07:51

ReneBumsWombats · 10/10/2022 07:12

Internalised misogyny is just spouted to try and shut women up.

It's called out to hold men responsible for themselves. It's horrible how many women get so angry about it. Cheating men are laughing.

But simply no one is denying that... no one on this thread. It's so tiresome to read the 'what about ery'

We're arguing that women also have personal agency and can choose to avoid perpetuating/encouraging/ participating in the abuse of other women.

chicazurafa · 10/10/2022 07:51

Lots of posters on here suggesting that criticism of the OW is letting cheating man off the hook. It isn't. They're complicit. Both morally bankrupt.

Hitatiks · 10/10/2022 07:51

Gotskeaswr · 09/10/2022 21:24

‘Patriarchy’

I mean, yeah. I know lots of LGBTQ+ couples and the same vitriol isn’t aimed at the OW or the OM for the most part. The anger, disappointment or whatever really is directed more towards their (ex) partner more.
as it should be.

That’s interesting.

YouAreNotBatman · 10/10/2022 07:53

XenoBitch · 08/10/2022 19:46

My friends saw me carted off to hospital for a month after I was cheated on, and the fallout from that that has lasted for years.

If they go after a married man (or one in a long term relationship - we were not married) after seeing what it did to me, they are scum and I could not be friends with someone like that. I could not stand by a friend who was potentially putting someone else through what I went through.

Show quote history

Tbf, that is highly and unusually strong reaction you had.
And there has to be a big background story to the state of your mental health.

Liorae · 10/10/2022 07:53

Untrustworthy. Wouldn't want her around my partner. And I wouldn't want a friend I didn't trust.
And yet you are with a partner you obviously don't trust. Sad.

Gotskeaswr · 10/10/2022 08:00

‘My friends saw me carted off to hospital for a month after I was cheated on, and the fallout from that that has lasted for years’

you clearly had something else going on to have a breakdown to that extent - so that’s not on the OW.

Amybelle88 · 10/10/2022 08:03

Gotskeaswr · 10/10/2022 08:00

‘My friends saw me carted off to hospital for a month after I was cheated on, and the fallout from that that has lasted for years’

you clearly had something else going on to have a breakdown to that extent - so that’s not on the OW.

How the fuck do you know? It's on BOTH of the people in the affair.

You need to piss off and go and enjoy your 'happy marriage', how dare you comment on such a horrendous time in someone's life as tell them that the reason they ended up that way is not actually true.

I'm started to think you're actually not all there because your logic is absolutely skewed.

ThreeRingCircus · 10/10/2022 08:03

The men that cheat are to blame, of course they are. They are weak in character and generally just shits. They are responsible for the break up of their family.

Still doesn't mean I'd knowingly be friends with someone happy to be the OW. It shows a total disregard for the feelings of others, lack of empathy and no morals. Someone that would knowingly cause potential harm to another person is not someone I'd want to be friends with. We'd just have totally different moral compasses, I'd like to feel my friends are decent and trustworthy and being an OW would be an open demonstration that they're neither of those things.

Amybelle88 · 10/10/2022 08:04

chicazurafa · 10/10/2022 07:51

Lots of posters on here suggesting that criticism of the OW is letting cheating man off the hook. It isn't. They're complicit. Both morally bankrupt.

👏 👏👏

This needs to be said louder for the people at the back!

Hitatiks · 10/10/2022 08:08

ReneBumsWombats · 10/10/2022 07:12

Internalised misogyny is just spouted to try and shut women up.

It's called out to hold men responsible for themselves. It's horrible how many women get so angry about it. Cheating men are laughing.

Yes this 100%

If I were a cheating man I’d be laughing in delight at this thread. Watching how all the focus is diverted from me, to the women. Just the occasional token nod to, ‘well yes, obviously he is bad too, but….OW, OW. OW’

I

Liorae · 10/10/2022 08:09

It's funny how on Mumsnet morals solely pertain to sexuality.

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