Why do women hate an OW?

[Oatmealbiscuits]

When a woman is seeing a married man, why do people say they wouldn't want her as a friend, in their lives anymore etc? Why are they judged solely on one thing when there may be so many other positives to their character.

I'm curious really, for the record I'm not an other woman, but my friend is. It's her business and I shall be there when the shit inevitably hits the fan.

If some posters on here had their way, she wouldn't have friends and would be isolated and lonely. I just don't think anyone deserves that when in reality it's the man who has taken vows.

I agree, OP - this complete black-and-white hatred of the OW is typical Mumsnet. In reality, as someone else pointed out, there are many, many grey situations and it is simply fact that family break ups happen - how they are managed can make all the difference. Nobody says it's ideal for an affair to happen before the end of a marriage but people are human beings with flaws and sometimes, it does. OW are not all the devil incarnate and are not 100% immoral, untrustworthy or unworthy of female friendship. I'm not one, nor have I been (but then, I would say that, wouldn't I, even if I were) but I wouldn't extend the same level of judgement to a friend who was as some of you do on here.

@TheHoover

I think that a relationship that ends before cheating takes place and one that ends after cheating takes place are two totally different experiences for the partner/children on the receiving end.

It’s rarely straightforward and I can’t get on board with the OW being just a bad person.
I do t judge or hold an opinion on it either way. Life is complicated

It's not misogynistic. We're talking about cheating. If it's in your relationship contract that exclusivity/commitment is not desired then it wouldn't be cheating, it wouldn't be a betrayal.
You really seem to want to pin disagreeing with hurtful behaviour on misogyny, which I think is a tad misogynistic in itself. Your writing off all the opinions of women replying on here you don't agree with as some kind of internalised hatred, and invalidating them, as if they haven't reached the opinion they have using their own intelligence as they would for any other subject. No, they're just misled and under the influence of woman hate 🤔

I agree, and outside of Mumsnet literally everyone I know where a friend of their’s has had an affair/ been the OW, they have taken this attitude. They don’t judge, they stay mates.

The obsessive focus on OW, the noticeable lack of posts analyzing cheating husbands, the difference in language and vitriol leveled at cheating H’s compared to OW is stark. I find this obsession with OW childish and disturbing if I am honest. And yes, misogynistic.

My core position is women are never responsible for men’s sexual behavior. Men are responsible for their behavior.

Both are in the wrong. The man especially, but I struggle to understand why a woman would knowingly date a married man.

Phrases coined by male adulterers that promise heartbreak to women and endless sex to men are absolutely misogynistic and you should find another way to explain why people shouldn't shag married people. It isn't that hard.

Disproportionate criticism, discussion and blame of OW over the MM who are actually responsible is misogynistic too and I shouldn't need to explain why.

Women aren't responsible for men.

Phrases coined by male adulterers that promise heartbreak to women and endless sex to men are absolutely misogynistic

It doesn't.

Who interpretes that saying like that??!!

Bizarre.

Disproportionate criticism, discussion and blame of OW over the MM who are actually responsible is misogynistic

It's a rare mumsnetter who does that. And any that do are generally shut down quickly on here.

Is this more made up shit you've convinced yourself of?

My DB dumped his best friend when he left his pregnant wife. It was so abhorrent to him that he lost all respect for him and they haven't spoken in years.

Phrases coined by male adulterers

Why the fk would a male adulterer coin that phrase?!

Male adulterers depend on convincing ow that she is unique!

That their relationship is unique.

So why the fuck would they ever say that?

Where did you get the impression a male adulterer coined that phrase?

When I said it's a warning and a cynical observation, I meant by women to women.
It sounds like something an older woman would say to younger ones about unfaithful men.

Are you saying you think adulterous men coined that phrase to warn their second wives not to get comfortable or something?

Ses highly unlikely.

Adulterers don't usually give their main partners a heads up about their potential adultery.

I think I agree with those who have said internalised misogyny. Can you imagine a man dumping his friend because his friend had become an OM? Can you imagine this level of vitriol amongst a group of men towards ‘OM’s in their midst?

Men don't trust OM around their partners in my experience.

So much talk about the girl code being misogynistic but there is a bro code too. OM break the bro code. If they do it at distance most men won't interfere, if it's close to home, they get a lot more uncomfortable and wouldn't be comfortable with them being remotely friendly with their partners.

Women want to blame other women for adultery, rather than blaming their husbands

I think this is essentially it. I remember a poster on here receiving praise and respect from other posters. Her husband had an affair and she was sticking by him as ‘ he was a good man who made a mistake and she wasn’t going to throw her marriage away for a woman who wasn’t fit to lick her boots’.

The deliberate self delusion and displacement of blame here is obvious. The man is good but made a mistake. The woman irredeemably bad.

oh yes, and the wife had fallen for the whole ‘it was just sex!’ Lie.

I dislike them both for what they did to two families but in different ways and for different reasons - husband and v good friend at the time. I have to remain civil with EX for our DCS but that does not stop my opinions on the morality and actions of both of them
Difference is I no longer need to be polite to her as she can no longer hurt my children.

The friends who took sides ( mainly theirs) who lectured me on accepting, moving on and being nice to her she was not a bad person - well fuck the lot of you. Took 18 months for some of you to ring me and say that you got it wrong and tried to resume friendships - too fecking late. I and her DP were the wronged in this and in the majority you supported them not us. I think you showed your moral compasses as well and they were well skewed.

Have moved on since then but never underestimate the hurt they and my so called friends actions caused me. None of them worthy of being in my bubble - now with better partner, more supportive friends but nothing will ever remove that doubt and insecurity in my mind. My friends who stood by me - never underestimate how much I needed your unquestioning friendship and support - you bucked the trend and I am forever grateful.

I don't hate the woman who had an affair with my husband.
She wanted him, got him and gave him
What he wanted ... lots of sex, his dinners, expensive gifts with no domestic or childcare drudgery as he saw it.
Of course I think that she was desperate for a man and had the time and resources to give him.
As as mother, she repulsed me knowing she was a part of the awful damage inflicted on my children but it was all on him.
He recently left her for a younger, wealthier version .
She is utterly heartbroken

Just look up the origins of it if you want some context. Although God knows it's nasty enough on its own. Why do people get so defensive of this stuff? You don't need to rely on hoary old sexism to explain why affairs are wrong. You only need it if you want to hold women responsible for shitty men.

Why do you think?? Because it fucking suits male adulterers! It blames women and promises them all the punishment and the men all the sex.

Just look it up if you can't see what's wrong with it on its own and find another way to explain why affairs are wrong. It's not that hard!

Why am I not surprised that you are unable to have this discussion without calling another woman a cunt?

The misogyny is depressing enough, but the abusive rage after it's called out is even more so, especially when it comes, presumably, from another woman. Some people can't function when they are denied the woman-hating in their worldview. They've got so much invested in it.

Indeed. Just take a look at the masterclass in internalized misogyny in 'mean girls' thread on AIBU, if it's survived this long.

Advanced warning: some of its content is unspeakably ugly.

I've posted a couple of times on it but not read the whole thing. I can't even bear to read all of this one, though I've skimmed it. The same old anti-woman shite, over and over and over again, and the same old angry defences every time it's called out.

No wonder so many men cheat. Why wouldn't they, when they get only a fraction of the blame if any, and are constantly promised more sex for it? By women as well? If they're not held wholly responsible, they probably don't think they are wholly responsible.

One of many reasons why I don't cheat is because I would hold it entirely on my own shoulders if I did. I am responsible for what I do and for my own commitment. Nobody else.

For all those that are saying distancing yourself from or judging the OW are just being misogynistic do you not think screwing another woman's husband stinks of misogyny then also no?

And I don't think the saying about leaving a vacancy is misogynistic either, it's basically asking to the OW if she thinks it wise to commit to someone who obviously is an untrustworthy selfish asshole who doesn't care about totally betraying the person they have already promised to love and honour.