Why do women hate an OW?

[Oatmealbiscuits]

When a woman is seeing a married man, why do people say they wouldn't want her as a friend, in their lives anymore etc? Why are they judged solely on one thing when there may be so many other positives to their character.

I'm curious really, for the record I'm not an other woman, but my friend is. It's her business and I shall be there when the shit inevitably hits the fan.

If some posters on here had their way, she wouldn't have friends and would be isolated and lonely. I just don't think anyone deserves that when in reality it's the man who has taken vows.

They might not be the one doing the cheating but it’s such a nasty thing to do. It shows that they just can’t wait to grab whatever they want, despite the cost. Also, it shows they have REALLY shit taste in men. After all, the man of their dreams is a cheater already, cheating on their wife. Why are they (the OW) so special? Why do they think that it won’t happen to them? It’s presumptuous of an OW too as they may be asking their friends to keep this secret as well, especially if it’s a mutual friend who’s involved.

Also, a phrase I like is ‘when a man married his mistress, he creates a vacancy’

Also, it shows they have REALLY shit taste in men. After all, the man of their dreams is a cheater already, cheating on their wife.

Doesn't that mean the wife has even worse taste? Since she's actually committed to him and been cheated on already?

That door swings both ways.

Also, a phrase I like is ‘when a man married his mistress, he creates a vacancy’

Another load of misogynistic guff that promises more sex to cheating men.

We all 'owe' each other a certain level of respect in terms of safety and well-being. Why would anyone want to argue for an existence with no obligations where youre free to cause reckless misery as long as you didn't sign a legal document saying you wouldn't?

This attitude puzzles me although seeing it so clearly laid out does help explain how people vote. It seems they can just cut off from the idea that something they're doing might cause someone else pain and act purely in their interests.

My mum cheated on my dad. I hold her responsible for that, because she made a vow to him. But the man she cheated with isn't blameless either. He knew she was married with young children. My mother took some of her anger and frustration with herself out on me. It was a bad time in her life and I can kind of understand why she did it but I also think it was dreadful behaviour on her part, and pretty shitty from the OM. No, he'd never met me or my father, but you didn't have to be a genius to work out that it was a shit thing to do to a family.

I agree that, that phrase is pretty awful.

But in regards to the wife having worst taste in men as they married them, I don’t agree with that. In most cases the wife/husband doesn’t know she is married to a cheat. The OW/OM knows they have a relationship with a cheat.

In cases where the wife/husband is a serial cheat, yes they know, but often find out once they are married and often fear or the thought of a split damaging their children keeps them where they are. They still know, but aren’t there because they think they still think their spouse is an good partner.

If they did it with you/for you, they’ll do it to you.

If they did it with you/for you, they’ll do it to you.

This is just guff. See also ‘when a man marries his mistress, he creates a vacancy’.

It assumes men (almost always) are serial cheaters, incapable of being faithful. In each of the relationships I know of that broke down due to infidelity, the unfaithful one has gone on to marry the OW and stay happily married to her.

Much of the time, people stray because they are not happy.

My friend was also cheated on, and feels safer this way as she thinks she won't get hurt again

What a ridiculous illogical, lacking in common sense, painfully stupid belief.

You wouldn't want to be mates with them basec on their IQ, let alone their morals.

Oh and it's interesting she focuses on her not getting hurt again; not someone else or the wife of the man she's shagging. Doesnt matter if another woman gets hurt and goes through what she went through.. as long as she doesn't.

In each of the relationships I know of that broke down due to infidelity, the unfaithful one has gone on to marry the OW and stay happily married to her.

But plenty of posters on here know men who went on to cheat on the other woman too.

And plenty of posters on here know men who actually swapped the ow and wife - in the role of wife and misfress, after leaving the wife too.

So your experience is only one narrow one.

I do think there is some truth in it. If they’ve crossed that line once they’ll find it easier to do it again.

Besides, even if the man was faithful to ow when they got together: the fidelity only lasts as long as he's happy and satisfied ... His MO when he's not is to cheat and replave his partner before he's officially left her. Who knows what will happen long time. He might only stay faithful because he's now past it and can't be bothered.

If a friend of mine was the ‘OW’ if really wouldn’t bother me in the slightest. I would be friends with her for many reasons and would already think she was a good person (as actually most people are deep down.) I would hope she was ok/not going to get hurt, I would fully be there to speak to her if she wanted to talk about it but also I would think it was none of my business - just as a friends marriage would be none of my business unless they wanted to share. People do many, many things that are unkind or selfish or whatever on varying levels. I would not consider someone being ‘the OW’ part of her personality.

"cheat and replace his partner

Much of the time, people stray because they are not happy.

Well maybe not most but I do agree that there’s two types of straying MM/MW - those who want to have their cake and eat it and those that are very unhappy in their relationship.

What happens if a MM is deeply in love / desire with another woman but doesn’t actually have a physical affair? Spends lots of time with them but it remains unconsummated. There’s still a huge betrayal going on but are moral codes being broken?

Ow are any combination of low integrity, sociopathic, narcissistic, avaristic, delusional, selfish, vulnerable, naive, sly, low standarded, lack initiative in terms of developing their lives and creating opportunities to meet the (admittedly minority) single men, lack independence etc. Married other women are some combo of the above with added shitty traits.

None of those traits make for great friends so ....

Women's behaviour is expected to be this superior, Angel-like level and real life just isn’t so simple.

Who said OM are any different from OW?

It's not a sex based thing, it's a person thing.

Internalised misogyny, women are blamed for what men do.

We are blamed for partners straying because we are exhausted and don't want sex. We are blamed when we have a relationship with a married man because ya know we are evil siren's.

Life is messy and I wouldn't caste a friend aside for having a relationship with someone who is married no.

Never been the OW, but I’ve got friends that have been. It’s not something I’d drop someone over.

That would be lovely but be realistic.

All those saying you wouldn’t drop a friend for being an OW, what if the wife was also a friend? Or what if she was married herself and you knew her husband was a good man who didn’t deserve it?

I've known a few OW who have been friends and acquaintances

Maybe I was wrong to still be friends with them , but the men were as much to blame and a few ended up together and very happy. Married for years
It's not always black and white and relationships are complex , plus I took the attitude it wasn't anything to do with me as well.

I have to disagree. I don't think anyone should blame the OW in the affair, as the DH had 100% of the power to stop it.

But I don't think it's misogyny to judge someone based on this. While the OW doesn't owe anyone anything, the fact that she is willing to be with a man who is a cheater, liar, etc. says a lot about her too.

I wouldn't want to be with a man who cheats on his wife, or abuses her, or is just shitty to another woman overall. Because it's pathetic & I have standards, and because most of the time I would support another woman over a deadbeat husband. That's not misogyny, I'd say it's the opposite.

I don’t think anyone could tell your decision to stay friends with someone who was OW was wrong. It’s an individual choice.

Some people wouldn’t stay friends with them, some would. It’s a choice and neither is right or wrong. It’s for an individual to decide.

I felt uncomfortable that they were cheating, but oddly enough nearly every one I know who had extra martial affairs etc were all women who instigated it first , but years ago it was men I heard about walking out on their wives !

I think I just can't be arsed blaming anyone - I have no idea what goes on in someone else's relationship, they are usually full of all sorts of complications, miseries and manipulations frequently dealt out, and you usually only ever hear one side - some relationships are toxic and the person having the affair is not always the one who has created that situation.
I think some people should learn to mind their own business and let the two people involved sort their own shit out.

Would depend on a number of factors tbh, that would have to be something I considered if the situations ever arose. That said, I can say that I wouldn’t drop my best friend, no. I may roll my eyes at her choices, but I wouldn’t drop her.

have got a friend the latter example applies to. I stayed out of it. I didn’t, and don’t, consider it to be my business.