Why do women hate an OW?

[Oatmealbiscuits]

When a woman is seeing a married man, why do people say they wouldn't want her as a friend, in their lives anymore etc? Why are they judged solely on one thing when there may be so many other positives to their character.

I'm curious really, for the record I'm not an other woman, but my friend is. It's her business and I shall be there when the shit inevitably hits the fan.

If some posters on here had their way, she wouldn't have friends and would be isolated and lonely. I just don't think anyone deserves that when in reality it's the man who has taken vows.

I do get that sometimes there a circumstances but ultimately, circumstances that support being the OW are rare.

It all ultimately boils down to the thing we are taught from a very young age - girl code.

I personally don't understand how a woman could knowingly do it to another woman.

The majority of people live without the drama of friends being the ow, when you are young and finding a life partner these competitions arise from young women but when you get to the point whereby you have children and a husband, a home, a life, a mortgage , hobbies, friends etc etc, be it long relationships, many affairs by this point I think are covered up from friends.

There is shame attatched to a woman in her 30/40/50s shagging another woman's husband more often than not with children in the background. Most ow do not advertise the fact that they have entered into an abusive dynamic whereby they are actually harming and hurting another woman.
And for those that say they don't know who they are, that they are random women who they owe nothing to, they have often I should imagine looked the wife up on social media, they have talked and viewed the wives life through their affair partner, by default , they know them and the children, they may know what car they drive, where they work, who their friends are, how they dress, where they like to go and where they go on holiday.
By the very nature of being entwined with their husband on a daily basis they know the wife's routine, many believe they even know how often they have sex together, now forgive me if I seem naive but thats an awful lot of information to know about a stranger who means nothing to you.

Ow are like parasites, often living off crumbs of a couple's marriage, they appear to have a strange idea of love and what that means to many women.

It is a strange love, not what most women would want, for those of us that could never be a ow, we find it odd, if it affects us personally it makes us angry, rightly so but it really is a complete lack of understanding on our part to see what the benefits or draw, to being a second partner to a man is. It can't feel good, to know he's having 2 women do the same thing to his body, can it?

Many of us who would not be an ow or be friends with an ow just do not understand why, you are like aliens to us.

It was her fault. She could have seen my man was not available and walked away. She did not. She was also in her own relationship so she was the OW, and my ex was the OM. It was a huge shitshow that I almost never got out alive.

There's a post on the secret confession thread about a 'happily married Mum of two' who goes away on a yoga retreat, fucks the instructor for 24 hours and gets pregnant, and husband thinks it's his baby despite having a vasectomy.
Now the real betrayal in that situation is by the wife. Of course. But just because something is less of a betrayal doesn't mean it's not a malignant and hurtful act. Do I think the yoga instructor 'owed' it to this woman's husband not to stick his dick in his wife while she was on a yoga retreat? Yes I do. That's where I land on it. That's my opinion.
Cheating can have massively far reaching consequences. There's a baby now that doesn't have the paternity it will be raised to think it does, a father whose child isn't his, siblings that are half siblings, a family secret, and this is real stuff - identity, family, relationships, your idea of your parents. What if the baby has significant genetics, what if it all comes out and their sense of self is shattered, what if it's hidden for decades and then after both the parents die they find out, and there's no one left to ask or to provide the truth about themselves, what if a whole family is ripped apart. And you know what? The yoga instructor is off carrying on completely oblivious. Or maybe he's missing a whole lifetime with his child.
You can't split people up into islands and neartly boundary your actions - especially when it comes to cheating and especially when it comes to cheating in marriages and even more so marriages/relationships with children. It can have effects for generations.
And why I also think I land where I do, is there are pretty much no negative consequences to just - not cheating with a married person. What happens if you don't? Absolutely nothing. It's so avoidable. And whatever benefit you get from doing it, people who had no say in the matter are picking up the tab for that.
An affair wouldn't happen if either party prevented it. The betrayal lies with the married person, and if there is a thread about why married people cheating is so insidious and bad I could wax lyrical, but if the question is regarding the opinion of the other person too then yes, I come down on the side that you do sort of on a basic level, owe it to other people not to cause avoidable hurt by cheating with their partners. That's where I land. In terms of betrayal, it's about 99.7% on the attached partner, and 0.3% on the affair partner (in my head), but it's not nothing. And that's betrayal, which is different to hurt.

It's like, if your husband cheated with your best friend, people would see that as a double betrayal of sorts. Why? Your best friend never took vows not to fuck your husband. It's because it's hurtful, and friends shouldn't intentionally hurt you. And I extend that to strangers, it's just different degrees.

I wouldn't cast out a friend who was the OW, I think I'd be worried about why she was making such out of character and poor decisions and I'd give it time and try and understand and support and hopefully encourage her to stop. If she was remorseless and didn't give a fuck though, then yes, it would so fundamentally change things our friendship wouldn't be what it was and so would be over. For other people, why they are friends could centre around different qualities, and it wouldn't be such a fundamental fault. I completely understand that.

I don't think all OW are evil bitches. The one in my family is kind, funny, has fantastic qualities, she's just a normal person. But she did participate in something that caused generations of hurt. She could have got what she wanted honestly, and saved people who were entirely innocent a world of pain.

If sex/transgression is by two consenting adults, then there is enough autonomy and shared responsibility there for it not to all land on one person.

@XenoBitch

I wouldn't rise to the reductive comments Xeno, that's the beauty of ow and om, you are dealing with someone who doesn't understand the language.

Right from wrong means nothing to them, it is futile trying to get them to understand feelings for them that do not exist. I know many of them bleat about lack of accoutability, that it is not their problem, and so should be devoid of guilt, I do think this is why many on here try to educate them about the sheer shock, awe and devastation on the family unit they help create.

And yes they do help create this, both parties do, and it is their total lack of understanding of the destruction that can occur. I've no doubt that their pain if they were to ever be treated the same way by their affair partner could not be the same.

I would roll my eye's because they entered a relationship that was already in situ, they were the third wheel, the accessory, the knowing second sexual partner.
How could you possibly ever be hurt as much a person that was in a contractual monogamous partnership, especially with the added hurt of losing a respected father as well.

My only conclusion is they have their reasons, but true love is not one of them, it's a tainted love, a love with conditions, a love that does not include exclusivity and in my eye's that could never be a deep love.

I think all people who cheat are vile. That goes for the cheater the OW or the OM. They have a total disregard for other people and are extremely selfish. I wouldn’t want to be friends with someone who is happy being the OW because how could you trust her around men in your life. If she/he is capable of smashing someone else’s life apart then he/she is capable of smashing your life apart too. I’ve known people cheated on and in those situations the OW in both situations were smug and seemed to enjoy the upset they had caused the wives, they loved the idea of the wives sat home oblivious. It was like they felt they were better than the wives in every way. That to me, is not someone you could consider blameless or a decent person.

Of course I’d remain friends with someone who was an OW. I don’t think all is well if that’s a choice she’s making and I wouldn’t turn my back on her.

Women's behaviour is expected to be this superior, Angel-like level and real life just isn’t so simple.

Surely if the "men in your life" were worth having around, there would be no need to worry about this @Strawberrysundaeonamonday? Surely they are their own autonomous individuals perfectly capable of turning down her advances?

100% what @Mombie2016 said, that way they can justify staying with their partner

women are judges harsher than man and there is a deep ingrained belief that men can’t help themselves

people end up in situations for all sorts of reasons it’s rarely black and white there are far worse things someone can do that be unfaithful or be the other women/man

@Thereisnolight Perfection.

Untrustworthy I suppose. I think a greater proprtion of the blame should land on the attached man but some women are really shady. Also I can not be arsed with the drama, I think the saying is often true that when a man divorces his wife and marries his mistress then he creates a vacancy. Rinse and repeat a few years down the line. You knew he was a cheating arse when you got together why did you think he'd change?

So unbelievably tedious. I gently phase out people like this.

A rumour went round about me being an other woman, (workplace drama) completely untrue but the first I knew of it all the females at work completely cut me off, unfriended and even blocked on WhatsApp, I eventually found out this was why and was completely horrified, eventually it came out who the other woman actually was and a few of these people came crawling back. Or at least tried to. Im torn on this one though really as seemingly society seems to forgive men for such actions, why the difference.

I'll ask again, why are women expected to be loyal to other women they
don't even know and give up a potential suitor for the sake of the
random woman? It's not 'lacking in morals' when you don't know her from
adam. Who has loyalty like that for strangers? Sorry but that's
ridiculous

This is brilliant, potential suitors ? 🤔

We are talking about an affair here arn't we and not just some drunken one night stand ?

If we break that down and speak of what consists of an affair, the lead up, the flirting, the breaking down of barriers and boundries, getting to know one another, the texts, the snap shots, the sexting, the daily correspondance that is hidden day, day out with the stealth of an undercover spy. The lies, the information about the unsuspecting sap who must not cotton on.
The rigid timetable of times you are allowed to call, the man name you have adopted in his contact list, the dates which must be kept in daylight hours and dinner breaks, the trips out of town so you are not spotted, the looks over your shouders to see if anyone is looking. Not being real, the hiding of him down your garden path and excuses you make up to say he's the handyman/gardner, client, customer, boss, colleague, it's a fucking exhausting game.

And then you 'catch feelings' and then you want to know what your rival has and is.
How many ow have tried to find out, be honest, what does this wife look like, is she better looking than me, does she dress well, is she older, is she slimer, how much does she earn, does she have bigger breasts than me ?
A suitor indicates you are being predatory and competitive, so how many ow think this random woman needs to be sized up ?
Of course you know, your job is to fracture the family unit if you are having an affair, you are not just a casual bystander who knows nothing about little Archies piano lessons because you know you can't get a shag and attention whilst that's happening, you have to know the minutia of events to keep it going not just the big events like christmas and birthdays.
It's intrusive, invading, peverted and a violation of the wife and families privacy let alone all the sexual crap that puts people at risk.

Find another life one where you arn't intruding and tresspasing on an innocent person's privacy. And yes I can say this to you the ow as in your words you are just random people who I needen't give a damm about, your conduct has made me lower my opinion of you, so there.
I am awarding you the same level of respect you give to wives.

And yes obviously men are equally as abhorant as ow.

And yes, people do talk of ow, they criticise and talk of their dalliances and speak of them behind their backs and laugh when they believe they are getting away with it, that no one notices, but they do.

I don't think ow and om are paranoid enough, many of them do a terrible job of covering it up, they are a constant source of amusement to some people who can't believe their niavity when it's usually blindingly obvious to others.

And those who are older even quantify the obsurdity and age range of the ow.

It goes like this...

You get the 20 year olds with wasters, usually with young kids that can't hack it and are unbelievably selfish, pumping iron, preening men who girls fawn over in the pubs and clubs, hoping the one night stand evolves into claiming the waste of space for their own.
Much of it is competitive, much of young single motherhood is made up of this sector.

Then the thirties girls, kids are a wee bit older, they begin to go out again after being tied to children, confident and re entering social life with other mothers who want payback on the shithead at home that left them to all the crap with the kids. They usually calm down and ease into middle age, ill health and job/money responsibilites.

Then the 40's, these women tend to be corkers, the best ones are the ones who have been supposedly neglected, when in fact they've had an affair upted sticks, divorce ensues, after which that relationships flounders. They may have their own home, advantaged parents with property forthcoming, still yummy mummies 😅The middle class mummies
These ones don't wan't a full time hubby, getting his hands on the cash, many of these advocate the FWB's but they do find it hard getting the replacement, all the decent men are taken and they are left with the circulating trash that is in the divorce pool.

Many of these are the 20's men twats who never really had family responsiblities.
So the net widens to married men.
So their only option is the affair, the work colleague, the tradesman who does a little job at a reduced price, the neighbour, the desperate.

Sometimes they do re-marry depending on social class, and financial desperateness, quite often the ugly friend who although beneath them will pop them up on that pedastal at least and look after them.
Married men who leave longish marrages and can't believe their luck they got with the 'looker bird who would have never had them when they were younger. Well needs must when you're hurtling into middle age, and fuck the wife and kids left behind she's cannon fodder, our 40's lady is getting desperate.

Standards are usually lowered and the age of the men creeps up, if they are really desperate we're talking 20 years plus older. I have seen many women like this who started out again on single life so independant and so full of hope have some real mental health issues as they steer into the menopause, the fifties and then sixties.

So from what I can see, affairs don't really help any woman be it you're the ow or the wife but then again I've also seen a hell of a lot of very miserable older men who have fucked their lives up for the fun of chasing skirt or thinking they were in luuve. Nobody wins, and as a hobby it's a pretty boring and destructive activity, you really are better with a good book and your integrity in tact because one day you will look back and see that none of it was real, it was just a marker in time.
If possible don't get involved with the destruction of family units, it's not a pleasant thing to do.
That is for all the male and female cheaters.

DH’s grandmother was cheated on by husband (with her best friend) and he left her for the other woman. She never got over the double betrayal.

In turn, when DH’s father cheated on his partner and married the other woman (my MIL) the grandmother completely blanked MIL and 30 odd years later she still wants nothing to do with her. I don’t think she ever respected or trusted MIL as she knew what it was like to be the wronged woman.

Strangely enough though, she adored her cheating son, ignored his partner’s child as soon as it became convenient to forget about him and was a loving grandmother to the children he had by MIL (especially the one that was conceived during the affair) so maybe it is down to pure misogyny?

It's not just the one thing though. To me, a woman who would happily have a relationship with another woman's husband is untrustworthy, selfish, absolutely gives no shits about what anyone else wants, doesn't care about destroying other people's lives or self esteem to have her own way, would definitely attempt do the same to me or any of our female friends if she fancied one of our husbands, couldn't be a confidante, and is generally not nice at all.

Why would I want to be friends with someone like that?

And if the woman knows the man is married? I blame them both for the pain they cause to the wife and children. They both know it's going to destroy people and they both prioritise their sec life above that. If she doesn't know, none of it applies. Women who select married men are awful people. Men who cheat on their wives are awful people. Wives who cheat on their husbands are awful people. Men who knowingly select married women are also awful people.

I can dislike someone's actions without disliking them.

You’re talking about someone you have a friendship, relationship or loyalty to there.
There is a bond between you and it’s easy to focus on the positive personality traits you know well.

The OW is usually a stranger. The only thing you know about them is that they are sneaking around with your DH… enabling and justifying their deceit and lies.
What is there to like? You know nothing more about them.

"you are better with a good book"

Hilarious. When they say some people don't have a sex drive, I will always think of this phrase from now on.

I'm not sure why people who think reading and sex are similar hobbies would even care if their partner had an affair. They probably let them borrow books from the library, isn't it more or less the same?

@ViolinPin i think it’s really sad how much you dislike women. I suppose, unfortunately, it’s not that uncommon either. Creating these ‘types’ of women that you think exist…can you not see the misogyny in your words?

@ViolinPin

That's a lot of words to say you don't like women.

That’s quite a rant!

I don’t even know where to start with that really painful eye watering rant.

The bit about women and them looking for men for their money and to be looked after exposed you though

Sadly we are still very much a patrical society. Many more men can cheat as they often work away more , and so on .ow often know or suspect something but turn a blind eye. Wives who are home with dc while hubby plays away are being hurt and ignored while ow has the good bits sex and nights out.usually they don't leave the wives

I think a lot of the vitriol and moral judgement towards OWs comes from a place of pain.

What would happen if a MM fell in love with an OW but they did absolutely nothing physical about it until the MM announced he was separating to the wife. Would the OW still be disgusting scum? There would still be equal pain and hurt for the wife and children. I suspect the answer for most is ‘probably’ which tells me this is more about betrayal than morality.

DHs parents’ marriages ended and both simultaneously started new relationships immediately after. Many chins were rubbed at the timing but this is all 25 years ago and I find it incredulous to think that friends and family could still be judging them.