Why do women hate an OW?

[Oatmealbiscuits]

When a woman is seeing a married man, why do people say they wouldn't want her as a friend, in their lives anymore etc? Why are they judged solely on one thing when there may be so many other positives to their character.

I'm curious really, for the record I'm not an other woman, but my friend is. It's her business and I shall be there when the shit inevitably hits the fan.

If some posters on here had their way, she wouldn't have friends and would be isolated and lonely. I just don't think anyone deserves that when in reality it's the man who has taken vows.

No one is referring to sex trafficked abuse victims. I'm sure the PP was referring to genuine sex workers who have full autonomy over who their clients are.

And how many of them are there?

It’s quite clear you don’t under say and how many people, not just trafficking victims become sex workers. And it’s not usually through choice and they don’t usually have a choice of who their clients are.

I thought the myth of the ‘happy hooker’ was well and truly dead. It appears not.

The personal attack was all the "ur projecting r u annoyed" stuff that's too boring to go into any further.

I'm talking about the anti OW venom that always goes on threads like this and which you downplay when you attempt to silence criticism of it with "oh you're saying we should NEVER mention it". Or by discrediting the idea that we shouldn't enable male cheating by blaming women for what married men do.

You're contradicting yourself completely with your "I blame MM entirely but I also blame affair partners" etc. I know you think you're getting around that by talking about "decisions" here and there, but you're not. It's bad semantics and pure sophistry and it doesn't wash. A OW/OM's decisions mean nothing when a) they're not bound by a commitment and b) their decision actually means squat because whatever they choose to do, an affair simply can't happen unless the married person decides it will.

The decisions have entirely different contexts and consequences and only the married person's has any effect or breaks a promise.

@coffeeandpoetry 'Do you think the vast majority of sex workers actually have a choice or are actively and enthusiastically consenting?'
Oh yes the legendary happy hooker, a misogynist trope if ever there was one.

@Hearthnhome sorry overlap

No not referring to literal contracts

Do sex workers not have the choice on what clients they have sex with?

Many of them don't, no.

And it's impossible for a punter or their partner or any other stranger to know whether any individual sex worker has a choice or they are being coerced, abused, trafficked etc.

Which is why labelling them by default as 'OW' is, IMO, very wrong.

Well, that's what a marriage is.

Some people don't believe that marriage should dictate their sex lives. They're allowed to feel that way and live accordingly. It's only a problem if they then marry, in which case they're the contract breaker (and a fucking idiot).

But that's not along the lines of what we're saying.

I'll simplify it for you: The small minority of genuine sex workers who do what they do because they enjoy it and have full autonomy over choosing who their clients are and have no qualms about shagging married men. You don't think this is lacking in morality too, as they clearly don't care for the poor wife sitting at home? If not then that's very ironic seeing as you've claimed to have such rigid morals.

It depends. Does she know her partner is married? If so, that's pretty shitty and shows a lack of morals. That could indicate a willingness to act selfishly to the detriment of friends and acquaintances. Why risk spending time with someone who you cannot trust? I know it is more complicated than that in the real world.

That’s not a personal attack. It’s a question.

Lets recap. You said I was annoyed, I pointed out that you had no clue on my feelings. And asked if you were getting annoyed. You were projecting. You projected annoyance into my posts. You assumed I had feelings I don’t have despite only reading words on a page.

So you can say that I am annoyed, but I can’t ask if you are or point out that your assumption is wrong and wonder why you have it?

Again, this conversation was never about other threads or society. It was about your opinion that threads like this should not exist. So you don’t want it to be discussed here.

I don’t blame women for what married men do. I hope women responsible for their own choices and behaviour.

Again, if I see a man humiliating his wife in the street, I wouldn’t join it because he was going to do it anyway. Or because I would gain from it. I wouldn’t be friends with someone who chose to participateZ I would still hold the man responsible for humiliating his wife and his behaviour towards her.

Its not a contradiction.

I don’t believe we should only be decent to people who we have promised to be decent to.

of course an affair can’t happen without a married person. But a person can choose not to be involved all the same.

So if I knew a mythical ‘happy hooker’ who was quite happy to sleep with men that are married….I wouldn’t be friends with them either.

Its not someone, I would choose to be friends with.

It's the partner doing this. OW has no loyalty to you.

I am glad I am not the only one who is shocked people still believe in this.

Not asking if you'd be friends with them, I'm asking if you would hold them to the same moral standard?

I'm friends with the OW and she's a lovely kind person. Was initially a bit off with the man but he is also a nice person, but married to the wrong person. They say they didn't begin a sexual relationship until after separation but I'm not sure I believe it. They were work colleagues for years. The wife was actually not particularly nice

What moral standard are you talking about?

The thread is about how you would react if a friend has an affair.

I would choose to not be friends with either of them. I would view both of them as actively participating in harming someone else for their own gain.

Not sure how I can be more clear.

Because she is the OW! there is no excuse unless she is the OW to someone who plays a good game and she has no idea! If her man doesn't want to to be with his 'current' woman then He should have the balls to say so and leave.... no excuse for having another woman! It's disgusting! And I'm from a single parent family that was destroyed by the OW..... I do t tolerate it and never will!

I would view both of them as actively participating in harming someone else for their own gain.
Finally. Thank you! God, that was painful. You should be a politician with your ability to avoid answering questions directly! (in the nicest possible way ofc)

Of course it changes things if it was my partner, because then she would owe me respect as a friend, she's not a stranger

So it's ok for a friend to mess up someone else's life , as long as it's not yours. Nice .

If you don't blame women for what married men do, then a) my calling this crap out shouldn't have prompted the aforementioned bullshit accusation and b) you shouldn't be immediately going on about women's "own choices and behaviour". That's the exact kind of blame dilution I mean, and people always deny they're doing it. It goes hand in hand with indirectly defending the double standards by taking offence when someone calls it out, as you keep doing.

You're effectively trying to claim that these decisions are equal and they're not. Only the committed person's decision causes a betrayal. I can decide to sleep with a MM: so what? If he won't have me, what does my decision do?

Whatever @coffeeandpoetry you still do not understand what the thread is about do you?

I would view both of them as actively participating in harming someone else for their own gain.

Fine. But that also means you do NOT hold the married person wholly responsible. And you should.

And nor do you @ReneBumsWombats

I think we usually chose friends with values that align with our own values. Top values like honesty, loyalty, respect, kindness, fairness ....