Why do women hate an OW?

[Oatmealbiscuits]

When a woman is seeing a married man, why do people say they wouldn't want her as a friend, in their lives anymore etc? Why are they judged solely on one thing when there may be so many other positives to their character.

I'm curious really, for the record I'm not an other woman, but my friend is. It's her business and I shall be there when the shit inevitably hits the fan.

If some posters on here had their way, she wouldn't have friends and would be isolated and lonely. I just don't think anyone deserves that when in reality it's the man who has taken vows.

I blame the person who has broken the commitment. The OW is not to blame - it's the husband or the wife.

@MsMsPincher I would not judge her if the person was hopeless because it is reasonable to fire an employee who can't do the job! I have suspicions that the person who was previously in my position was fired. I don't think my colleagues are supposed to tell me they were fired. However people complain that so and so caused them stress because they didn't do their job. Some of the issues were pure laziness, they simply didn't do things and other people ended up doing them. You might say that if I have taken a job from a fired person what if a wife is doing a bad job? What if a wife is not meeting her husband's needs? I would stay friends with the person if they got with him after the bad marriage had ended and would if the man was very obviously in a very unhappy or abusive marriage and was actively leaving it while things were beginning. The mother of one of my friends got with her Dad, around the time his awful first marriage was ending. I think they should have waited until it was completely over but the marriage was a desperately unhappy arranged marriage ( arranged when they were very young by their parents) and he got out as quickly as possible and they have stayed together.

Lack of morals. I couldn't support the decision and I couldn't relate. Our values would be too different. So the friendship would be over really.

But it’s not just the marital commitment, it’s also the social contract. It’s an insult to shag someone’s partner, whether you know them or not.

Why are you assuming I am annoyed?

Thats you projecting and assuming. Are you getting annoyed?

At no point have I said I don’t hold married people entirely responsible for their own actions? I have said the exact opposite.

How is me disagreeing with you, trying to discredit you? It’s not that I don’t like your opinion. I disagree with it.

Holding people responsible for their OWN actions doesn’t encourage cheating. Because you would be holding the married person entirely responsible for their own shitty behaviour.

Lots of things a person might do but is not responsible for hurt others or have the potential to. An ow is not responsible for a man’s decision to cheat. His cheating and the hurt he causes is down to him. Not her. Would you be angry at a prostitute if that was who your dh was cheating with?

Your relationship is not for the whole of womankind to police. If your man can’t keep it in his pants it’s his issue.

I don’t think there’s a social contract not to shag any complete strangers man. Again not saying it’s a good thing but not owns responsibility if ur man can’t keep it in his pants

This ^
What social contract?

All these posters citing "my morals"- yes I bet you are all holier than thou. I have noticed someone has said that a friend would not be trusted around her man, what on earth does that say about your choice of man and your trust for him?! That's right, the woman is always blamed, not your poor innocent husband! The reality is the situation is never black and white and whilst I disagree with somebody who is clearly just having their cake and eating it, it is extremely simplistic and narrow-minded to just say that you would cut them out of your life whatever the situation. Would you honestly cut off a good friend of 20 years who has been by your side through thick and thin because she has had an affair? I sincerely doubt it.

Sorry, but I'm not interested in the personal attacks and the ancient MN chestnut of "projecting", which doesn't mean what you and 99% of the people who chuck it out think it means. It's all a very boring distraction. Although I will cop to being annoyed by misogyny, sexism and priming the world for male cheating at women's expense. Not ashamed of that at all.

You do not hold married people entirely responsible if you also think affair partners are "partly to blame" etc etc. When I make a promise to be true, it's either entirely on me or it's not. The rest of the world has nothing to do with it. This is the sort of thing I mean when I say that lots of people claim to blame the MM but immediately show how they actually don't.

When you also start feeling threatened by people pointing this out - and that's exactly what's indicated when the sexism and disproportionate anti-OW venom is called out and you respond by accusing people of trying to call total silence regarding OW - that's another sign. Why, exactly, is it so terrible for people to notice that the abuse directed at OW, compared to that aimed at the MM who actually have a marriage to shit on, is completely out of all proportion?

Then the attempts to discredit the view that all this sexist crap encourages men to cheat. It's all pointing in one direction.

I think if someone wants to cheat they will- if 10 women refuse to have an affair with a mm then number 11 will. I have to be able to trust my dh will not betray me that way - if he does then I’ll deal with him in that situation!- number 11 is just that - one in a line of women that went along with it - at that stage he could have moved inti number 12. Do I expect that ow will be ostracised- no- I’ve never known it to happen. I’m fact I know of 2 families where the dh left for ow- they are now married and attend all family/friendship functions. I understand that it was awkward at the start but now appears to be ok. In fact one of the ow appears to have developed some solid friendships.

its shitty for the exdw- but it’s the dh who shit on her.

But don’t a lot of people cheat (maybe most) because the relationship is not working same as people get fired as they are not working out in the role?. I think that’s more realistic than some sort of ow plot to steal the man.

ultimately a lot of people don’t want to accept that their dh chose to cheat- it’s easier if there’s an evil competitor to blame.

@Rubywoo97 you are so right. Those that scream about morals the loudest are ALWAYS the least moral irl. Just look at the church.

A prostitute? Really? You don’t understand the difference between sex workers and a OW? How would you hold the sex worker, responsible?

I agree the decision to cheat is entirely the decision of the married person.

However, I will go back to what I said earlier. An affair, imo, is abusive. If a man is abusing his wife and his male best mate joins and helps. I would absolutely hold the husband responsible but also the best friend who joined in. The best friend is responsible for their own decision to get involved. Just because someone you know and like is gaslighting their spouse, you don’t have to join in.

Who said woman kind has to police relationships? That doesn’t even make sense. No one is suggesting interrogating OW or potential OW or trying to bring a OW to justice. The thread is about how you would react if it was your friend.

I wouldn’t want to be friends with someone who is involved in abusing someone. which is a personal choice that I am entirely responsible for.

I find it quite funny that so many women are annoyed that someone would choose not to be friends with someone they don’t know, based on their behaviour.

A marriage is a contract and it doesn't bind anyone who didn't enter it.

Some people don't agree with marriage as an institution. They think the idea is absurd and refuse to be sexually bound by it. And they're not required to be. The only people who are are the ones who chose to do it.

A prostitute? Really? You don’t understand the difference between sex workers and a OW?

When a man cheats with a prostitute that automatically makes the prostitute the other woman. Pretty simple concept.

This whole thread you've been insisting that you hold the elitest standard of morals and yet you regard prostitutes having sex with married men as blameless? Interesting double standard.

Where is the personal attack?

Thats what people on MN claim when they want to shut down discussion. Report it to Mn and see if they agree.

The OW/OM is not partly responsible for the married persons decision to cheat. They are responsible for their own decisions and their own choices. They don’t suddenly become nor responsible for their own choices and decisions because they happen to be shagging a married person. Why are you removing their autonomy and pretending they didn’t have a choice?

Where I have posted ‘anti ow venom’.

You are making things up. You started talking about how you thought the thread itself wasn’t ok. So you were complaining anyone was having this discussion at all.

I haven’t directed abuse to any OW or even OW in general. I dont want to be friends with someone who is an OW. Like I don’t want to be friends with people who talk behind peoples backs or bully people. If you think that’s abuse, that’s your issue.

No, sex workers aren’t an OW.

If you think sex workers and OW are in the same position, I would suggest you spend sometime researching sex workers.

Oh my goodness gracious. A sex worker is simply doing her job, I doubt she would have any idea about her client's marital status how on earth is she the other woman?! This is just utterly ridiculous!

@Hearthnhome " I find it quite funny that so many women are annoyed that someone would choose not to be friends with someone they don’t know, based on their behaviour."
Or even based on that particular behaviour?
Yes, funny isn't it?🤔

You asked a PP Why are you removing their autonomy and pretending they didn’t have a choice?

So why are you doing the same for prostitutes and sex workers? Do sex workers not have the choice on what clients they have sex with?

Can I ask - would the posters on here saying they would end a friendship if that person was having an affair - would they end it for say - embezzlement, or cheating on an exam - what’s the cut off. Both potentially could have a negative effect on home life of another family - ie stealing from employer means less money for that employer - cheating on an exam - getting a job on the strength of passing that exam - another more deserving person missing out. Where’s the line ??

I'd say it's a very personal thing. But for me, loyalty isn't blind. That doesn't strike me as healthy. People change but also your knowledge of them and what they are like changes. So if I considered someone a good friend and then found out they had cheated on an exam, I would revise my opinion of them as a person. There might be some extenuating circumstances. They might be under a huge amount of pressure. But someone who will cheat, or lie, or embezzle, is dishonest. And if they're dishonest, how do you trust them? How much of a friend do you think they'll be to you, if push comes to shove?

My friends and I have all made mistakes and life is complex. But those mistakes haven't consisted of lying and cheating in some way, particularly where it would hurt others. I might keep some form of friendship with someone who had done those things, but I would keep them at arm's length and be rather wary of them.

Do you think the vast majority of sex workers actually have a choice or are actively and enthusiastically consenting?

really?

I know a man who has had over 20 affairs, approx 1 per year of his ongoing marriage. His wife knows of 1 of them. It’s not the fault of the 20 OW.

Personally, I feel the majority of the scorn should be reserved for the cheating partner. I haven't personally been in the situation that a partner cheated on me, so perhaps I would feel a lot more vitriol against anyone being the OW if that had been the case. I think if a friend of mine was involved with a married man or someone in a long-term relationship, I would feel some concern foremost but also refuse to cover for any lies or deceit.

I remember that my parent's neighbour was a long standing maitresse for over two decades of what appeared a very wealthy man. I think the wife knew about it for most of the time and the man spent many nights and great part of the week at the OW's house and they went on many holidays. They even had a child together. The OW was really brazen about it and told everyone that the man paid all the bills, rent and gave her a massive allowance. She often spoke to my DM, boasting about her situation but DM politely kept her at arm's length, not judging but also not wanting be friends. My parents knew the man and were aware that while he was the company director or a large firm and earned a pretty big salary, the wife actually owned everything. OW never really seemed to clock the financial setup.

Well, after about 26 years of being the OW with all of those perks and money lavished on her, the man suddenly got very sick and all contact stopped. So did all of the money. She eventually found out that her lover had died and her son was allowed to attend the funeral on the sidelines but neither got a penny, as all of it was actually the wife's family money that she brought into the marriage. OW got evicted and was made bankrupt. Had she paid a fraction of the rent as mortgage should have owned the property by then! She asked to stay at my parents and whined about her ending up destitute but DM just politely told her that this was the downside of being a kept OW and that she perhaps should have saved some of the thousands she got every months. Like, you know everyone else tends to do who work and are in a marriage. In her case, no one really felt much sympathy because she was so unapologetic and confrontational about being the OW. She continuously tried to provoke a split in the marriage but obviously never realised that the man stayed married because his entire lifestyle was dependent on being in the marriage. No idea why the wife put up with it but she played the long game and eventually got her revenge I suppose.