Why do women hate an OW?

[Oatmealbiscuits]

When a woman is seeing a married man, why do people say they wouldn't want her as a friend, in their lives anymore etc? Why are they judged solely on one thing when there may be so many other positives to their character.

I'm curious really, for the record I'm not an other woman, but my friend is. It's her business and I shall be there when the shit inevitably hits the fan.

If some posters on here had their way, she wouldn't have friends and would be isolated and lonely. I just don't think anyone deserves that when in reality it's the man who has taken vows.

A lot of it is fear because they don't trust their men and they'd rather blame the OW than admit their marriages are on shaky ground.

I'm inclined to agree.

If trying to ward off every woman in the world gives you more reassurance than trusting him, he must be an absolute dog.

Oh I'm not justifying cheating. Where my morals guide me though is that the level of demonisation of OW is disproportionate and unfair and misogynist. And I don't want to be a part of it.

I've managed to feel this way for decades without ever having had an affair myself so it's not a slippery slope to refuse to join in the witch hunts. it's lazy self-aggrandising to say that ''I condemn this because of morals''. Do your morals stand up to any kind of scrutiny?

What do those morals say about internalised misogyny, externalising your own fears on to somebody else, experiencing hatred, demonising somebody for something that was legal and consensual.

In other areas of your life, what do your morals tell you when you observe people being treated lazily and shabbily? Are you up on your soap box because of your morals? defending the weak and/or the excluded.

Or do morals kick in when your own easy life is threatened.

I get it, but but this reaction isn't morals

There’s a million different situations so can’t comment on them all.

Embezzlement, absolutely wouldn’t mix someone again.

Cheating on a exam? Again, would probably make me look at them differently and I would move on.

I am a loyal person. But I am not loyal to people who can actively participate in other peoples pain. Loyalty doesn’t mean blinding sticking by someone, regardless of their actions.

Personally I didn't make the decision to cut her off per se, but since she did something vile to a lovely woman I couldn't feel the same about her anymore.
It surprised me how painless it was, I couldn't take her seriously anymore and lost interest.

That’s a made up scenario though which again is making the fictional ow friend responsible for the man’s behavior. She isn’t. He is. Same as the employer is responsible for who they hire and fire.

What if your friend told you that she was about to get a new job as the person currently in the role was hopeless? Would you shun her then?

Insecurity in their own relationship?

I think the OW does 'owe' you something if you're the wife of the man she's involved with.
We're not all just isolated and entitled to be as selfish and ruthless as we like if we haven't specifically commited legally to someone.
Why would you go round causing others hurt? You do owe others a certain level of respect. It's not acceptable to go round randomly hurting other members of society physically and yes we do operate on the basis of mutual respect/distance emotionally and mentally too.
Otherwise society wouldn't work.
Some stuff is unavoidable, but we do owe it to others not to cause them avoidable hurt for our own selfish reasons. Why would anyone argue otherwise?

Couldn't agree more.

It’s not misogynistic to say that you think a woman is acting like a selfish, moral free idiot by going for a married man
Of course that's not misogynistic, no one is saying that. What people think is misogynistic is the level of anger, hatred and vitriol towards the OW as if she was the one who had a personal commitment and obligation of loyalty to the woman cheated on. The nastiness should be reserved for the MM, but the OW seem to get it in tenfold on here, which smacks of misogyny. That's what people don't like.

I bet most of the commenters on here saying about how it’s misogynistic to abhor the behaviour of the OW and that she doesn’t owe the wife anything etc etc and that the man never gets blamed blah blah are either currently OW
And you could equally say that all the people who have expressed hatred and nastiness to OW on here have probably been cheated on themselves and are coming from a place of personal hurt. Works both ways.

No but people do things wrong sometimes and you’re not a very good friend if you drop them at the first sign of trouble. I don’t approve of cheating on an exam but I wouldn’t drop a close friend because of it.

also those claiming the ow is dishonest- not necessarily. Unless she actually knows the wife she has no reason to lie to anyone.

I think the OW does 'owe' you something if you're the wife of the man she's involved with. We're not all just isolated and entitled to be as selfish and ruthless as we like if we haven't specifically commited legally to someone.Why would you go round causing others hurt? You do owe others a certain level of respect. It's not acceptable to go round randomly hurting other members of society physically and yes we do operate on the basis of mutual respect/distance emotionally and mentally too.

Why are you directing these questions to the OW and not the MM?

@Panamera22 Random example, but years ago a friend of mine was asked and agreed to be a model for a big hair-dressing competition. The deal was a professional cut & colour for her, in exchange for a few hours of her time in the afternoon and then an hour for the prize-giving in the evening.

She had the cut and colour, then popped off to the pub and didn't go back in the evening. Her stylist placed 1st but was disqualified for lack of model.

It was an completely needless selfish and shitty thing to do that had a big negative impact on someone else. Our friendship took a dive at that stage. I couldn't look at her the same way and we lost touch completely not too long later.

Funnily enough she used to knock about with the local Nazi-sympathiser because 'he's alright otherwise'. Takes one to know one 🤷🏻‍♀️

It's hardly surprising that many people have a more powerful, emotional reaction to OW/OM than to other types of cheaters or immoral behaviours. Our hearts and emotions are involved, not to mention those of any children the couple may have.

Setting out to intentionally "steal someone's job" would be rotten, but for most of us, we can more easily find a new job and recover from that blow than from the more intense, painful experience of having our hearts ripped in half and the foundation of our whole lives shaken.

I have sympathy for people whose lives have been turned upside down by the selfishness of their pathetic, selfish spouse and the OW/OM. I don't have sympathy or compassion for the knowing cheaters/OM/OW of the world.

I bet most of the commenters on here saying about how it’s misogynistic to abhor the behaviour of the OW and that she doesn’t owe the wife anything etc etc and that the man never gets blamed blah blah are either currently OW or have been

I was wondering when this old shite would rear its tiresome head.

You may be completely unable to analyse a situation unless it is deeply personal to you but some of us can think deeper.

Because it’s a cruel thing to be cheated on by a spouse and the other woman (or man) is complicit in that.

To believe it’s ok because the OW (or OM) is a stranger to the wife and their well-being is only the responsibility of the cheating spouse is a big statement about someone’s approach to the world and other people.

What ‘truth’ offends me? That’s quite hilarious. Why would what you say offend me?

I didn’t say society, in general, doesn’t treat OW more harshly. We were talking about this thread and MN and peoples personal opinions, on what would happen if their friend was a OW. Not talking about OW in general. But you keep changing the goal posts of the conversation. This conversation started about this thread.

why are you adding works in like ‘evil and disgusting’ who used those?

I consider people responsible for their own actions and if you participate in abusing other people you are responsible for your part in it.

The rest talking about how peoples actions excuse men, is just a ramble about how women can’t have an opinion of their own without being told their opinion enables mens poor behaviour. Mens poor behaviour is their responsibility . So is womens.

I’m afraid I don’t have such hard lines regarding morality I think - I try to be a good person, honest and trustworthy etc but I also think humans make mistakes, are selfish and cowardly etc. I simply can’t imagine a friend telling me they are having an affair and me ending the friendship. I’d be more concerned at how devastated they would be at the end if it. If a married friends dh had an affair then I would support the dw - my friend - I would totally blame him. I suppose what I’m saying is that loyalty and morality are subjective. My friend will come first with me no matter what role they play in an affair- I will certainly give my opinion but I wouldn’t cut them off !

Wrong.
I have never had an affair

This

I'm not interested in friendships with weak people.

Wouldn't remain friends with a cheater, wouldn't remain friends with an OW/OM. I can't be friends with someone I have no respect for.

It’s not the first sign of trouble.Its showing that they are happy to participate in creating pain for someone else.

Its not a mistake. An affair, is a series of choices. If someone makes a song series of choices they will know will cause pain to someone else and excuses it with ‘I don’t know them so it’s fine’ they aren’t the person I thought they were so the friendship would be over.

@Panamera22

Can I ask - would the posters on here saying they would end a friendship if that person was having an affair - would they end it for say - embezzlement, or cheating on an exam - what’s the cut off. Both potentially could have a negative effect on home life of another family - ie stealing from employer means less money for that employer - cheating on an exam - getting a job on the strength of passing that exam - another more deserving person missing out. Where’s the line ??

Many people wouldn't know until those things happen and they had a think / gut reaction and decide.

Aren't we all allowed our own boundaries without having to justify them or pre determine them ahead of time?

Everyone is entitled to have their own feelings and make a personal judgement about who they wish to spend time with.

Many of us may continue to be friends with someone having an affair in one set of circumstances vs another because life isn't black and white.

If a mate was cheating on a decent, kind partner I would personally view that situation differently to a mate cheating on an abusive arsehole. Whereas other people having a black and white view of affairs and that's up to them.

Some people wouldn't break off a friendship as a result of criminal activity, others would. Some would cut off for affairs but not criminal activity, others vice versa.

Again, everyone is entitled to their boundaries and asking them to state a pre determined threshold for a specific 'line' or 'cut off' in life as a whole is a bit bizarre.

Pfft. Weird correlation to assume. Nope. Never have been. Happily married for 30 years. Just not a cunty self righteous judgemental prick.
Old enough to know life is not always what it seems or could be. Experienced enough to know blanket rules don't ever apply in matters like this.

That was for the original message

What ‘truth’ offends me? That’s quite hilarious. Why would what you say offend me?

I don't know, why does it? Why do you disapprove of my holding married people entirely responsible for what they do? Why are you getting annoyed and trying to discredit my observation that blaming OW, even "equally" (what a joke) creates a world that encourages men to cheat? Why do you not like my observations that people who claim to hold MM responsible often express themselves in such a way that makes it clear that they don't?