Too old, too fat?

[WoofWoofMooWoof]

I need somewhere to rant. I went for a job interview today at my DC's school - they know me there. I do what I can to help the school out whenever I am able. It is an Ofsted outstanding school and I've always had the biggest respect for the teachers there.

There are two positions and they only interviewed three people. It was an 'interview day' where we had a tour of the school, met the team etc, and were then interviewed separately. The whole thing took three hours. Me and another lady did the interview day together and the third lady was interviewed later, after school, so I didn't get to meet her. The other lady and I had quite a bit of time alone together in the staff room and we chatted a lot. She owned a restaurant which she sold to open a wine bar, and she only wanted the job so she wouldn't be bored during the day when the bar isn't open. She's never even been to the school before. I am a single mother desperate to find a job so I can feed my kids who are pupils at the school.

However, I am 51 and fat, and she's in her 40s, pretty and slender.

I thought the interview went very well (despite me having bad side effects from my second Covid booster earlier in the week).

Got a phone call from the head teacher this evening saying that I am employable, but I was unsuccessful because the other candidates were stronger and had experience working in a school. This despite the fact that I have 32 years admin experience and the other lady owns a bloody wine bar!

AIBU to be totally pissed off at him blatantly lying to me? To me it's very obvious they've decided to hire the younger, prettier model?

AIBU to have lost all respect for the school and the head?

YABU

Schools are known for being very tough and having odd criteria.

I was teaching a maternity role and the women chose not to come back.
So they advertised and I knew that I would get it as I had been doing the job very well for 10 months, so I was planning ahead and doing the parents evenings telling them what we’ll be doing over the next few months etc.
I didn’t even get the interview and someone who happened to be related to the interviewer got it.

I have also applied for a TA and admin position.
I’m a qualified teacher with experience in TAing and admin but I didn’t get either job.

My colleague has just been turned down for a job and his feedback was that the other person hit higher grades at university - over 10 years ago and my colleague has much more teaching experience.

I would ask for feedback but there could be a range of reasons why you didn’t get it - there’s a big chance that they don’t want someone who is a parent or that you are over qualified.
Or more likely that they know you will volunteer for free and hiring you would mean losing a volunteer.

I know it’s very frustrating but don’t let it bring you down.
Just keep applying and you will get the job you are supposed to have.

OP you will probably never know why unfortunately but I appreciate it is a very tough situation and can be disheartening while you question things and have that suspicion.

I don’t know why people are acting like it can’t be true. There’s tonnes of research to suggest a range of discrimination takes place in recruitment processes some more covert than others.

A receptionist at my job, from a South American country who was young, pretty but fat and brown ( and therefore not considered as pretty as otherwise) was interviewing for a new job. She was telling me the interviewer that her current job bought food for the staff and she was in charge of ordering it ( bread, milk, fruit etc) he made snarky comments basically suggesting that is why she is so fat. Needless to say she didn’t get the job. I’ve been fat and I’ve been skinny and I’m somewhat mid-size now. I think there are plenty of gorgeous fat woman but let’s not pretend that people, especially men, don’t often see larger women as less attractive.

It’s not about saying fat =ugly, it’s about acknowledging the reality of how society views people.

It’s actually harsh to call anyone ugly really whatever their size - beauty is a social construct but society in general doesn’t see fat as beautiful. That’s why they often tell fat girls “at least you’ve got a pretty face” they’re basically saying the rest of their appearance is unattractive but at least they’ve got that going for them.

But why would they interview her in the first place?

They would know she had kids at the school.

OP I am 56 and a size 20/22.
Last year I was appointed to the highest paying job of my career.
However I do have beautiful clothes and a good haircut.
If you can get a smart dress or suit that fits you well. A light make up and stylish hairstyle. If need be go to the college salons for a discounted hair cut and look on eBay for a quality outfit. Your local charity shop may have something.
I always brace myself for fattests at interview time but I am doing something about it (illness ment steroids and they put four stone on a me). I work in a fashion related industry and I always feel I lose out to the slim Janes and that's after all the shiny suited males without half my knowledge. I am one of only a handful of women at my level in the UK.We are what we are OP, make the best of yourself. Good luck.

Why is OP getting pelters when there is ample evidence that looks do confer an advantage in work (and life in general), especially so for women in a patriarchy?

Maybe it's your attitude? You come across on here as very "I'm a single mum; I've battled to this interview despite being ill; I therefore deserve this job". They won't give you the job just because of your personal circumstances - or do you want their charity?

You're also putting a hell of a lot of significance into her appearance so it's clearly something you're conscious of.

You're projecting massively here - she must have the skills to do the job or she wouldn't have got it. You applied to work in a school, not a model agency.

This is true. In my working life I have seen people getting hired over more suitable candidates because they looked better.

I once went for a job and had all the relevant experience. The manager told me that on paper I was the perfect candidate and before the interview she was certain I'd get the job. However having met me she felt we wouldn't click. She said my experience was perfect for the role but she couldn't imagine the 2 of us working together every day. I was quite taken avack by this. I'm very polite and pleasant and get on with everyone! At the same time I appreciated her honesty. I could see we were very different. She was loud and gregarious and I'm quiet and fairly shy. It just showed me that you can have all the experience in the world but personality is such an important part of the recruitment process. I have a good personality but it wasn't the right personality for this woman. Maybe it was the same for you.

You sound so unbelievably bitter. If you think you're so fantastic and perfect in every way other than your looks... do something about your looks?

Are you in the UK OP- posting at almost 3am?

You say 'I am fat' as if it's not a choice. It's not. You can do something about it.

Rightly or wrongly, there is discrimination and if you are very overweight people will make a judgement.

This may not be the reason you didn't get the job.

But if you really do want to work and support your kids, then the way to help yourself and know that any rejections are NOT simply about weight, is to lose it.

You need to do it for your health if nothing else.

I’ve interviewed lots of people and those who give an excuse upfront for a potential bad performance at interview switch me off. I worry that they’ll be constant moaners always ready with a reason for why they can’t/won’t do something.

Have you got dreadful drawn on eyebrows? If you are parent facing at a school, there is nothing worse than looking like a drag queen.

I’d also say if you’re continually interviewing for roles you’re overqualified for I think it might be an attitude/team fit issue. As an interviewer I’ve never not appointed the best all round candidate in terms of experience and team fit due to their looks but I have chosen to not appoint the most qualified if something about their attitude felt a bit ‘off’.

In my experience, it always comes down to personality, the owner of a wine bar and restaurant will have so many transferable skills, think of all the crap restauranteurs have had to deal with over this last two years with covid. If she’s managed to keep it running and makes a profit to boot she sounds like a successful business woman and that will be a huge asset to a school I imagine. School admin will be a walk in the park compared to dealing with business rates, VAT on alcohol rising, cost of living soaring, dealing with pissed customers. If she looks good, it’s a bonus.

I have never struggled getting a job. My current field is education and I'm bloody good at what I do.

I do have a lot of transferable skills, but the reality is I interview well.

Oh and I'm fat and 44.

My weight has never been a barrier to employment, so perhaps take that out of the equation and reflect more.

The "qualified therapist" may have caused concern - they don't want a therapist, they want an admin. They'll have a pastoral team.

There are a myriad reasons to reject a candidate - size and age are unlikely.

SAHM for years to my twins

How many years?

Why would employers choose the younger slimmer candidate? How will they make the workplace more efficient & productive, and boost morale (especially in a workplace where most the staff are themselves female but not paragons of female beauty)?

😂😂

Agreed. Unconscious bias courses never cover this and yet it’s the most fundamental bias of all.

Maybe the other person was nicer. You sound quite bitter and angry - and determined to do this woman down. I'm sure she has many talents aside being younger and slimmer than you.

I would never mention feeling unwell. They could have thought you were the type to be off sick all the time.

If it’s a school they would have had scoring sheets for each applicant and everyone on the interview panel would give their score for each answer given. So the OP would have had enough scores to be ‘employable’ but the other 2 candidates scored higher. It’s meant to be a fair and open process and one that all local authorities use.

@BigChesterDraws What crazy knife stunt?

And how overweight are you OP?

I honestly think you’re fully entitled to feel pissed off. Ignore the posters giving you a hard time. Use this experience in a positive way to go forward and get a job. Learn from your interview to make sure that next time you do even better. Don’t be put off trying, there will be a job for you. Best of luck.

Perhaps they thought you were over qualified. If it’s an admin job where you’re answering the phone and doing more basic tasks, if you’ve had admin jobs before and been a PA etc then the role could become very boring very quickly for you. I know this isn’t fair, but sadly, it can happen.

Just wondering do the other 2 candidates have children at the school, if not could this be the reason?