Too old, too fat?

[WoofWoofMooWoof]

I need somewhere to rant. I went for a job interview today at my DC's school - they know me there. I do what I can to help the school out whenever I am able. It is an Ofsted outstanding school and I've always had the biggest respect for the teachers there.

There are two positions and they only interviewed three people. It was an 'interview day' where we had a tour of the school, met the team etc, and were then interviewed separately. The whole thing took three hours. Me and another lady did the interview day together and the third lady was interviewed later, after school, so I didn't get to meet her. The other lady and I had quite a bit of time alone together in the staff room and we chatted a lot. She owned a restaurant which she sold to open a wine bar, and she only wanted the job so she wouldn't be bored during the day when the bar isn't open. She's never even been to the school before. I am a single mother desperate to find a job so I can feed my kids who are pupils at the school.

However, I am 51 and fat, and she's in her 40s, pretty and slender.

I thought the interview went very well (despite me having bad side effects from my second Covid booster earlier in the week).

Got a phone call from the head teacher this evening saying that I am employable, but I was unsuccessful because the other candidates were stronger and had experience working in a school. This despite the fact that I have 32 years admin experience and the other lady owns a bloody wine bar!

AIBU to be totally pissed off at him blatantly lying to me? To me it's very obvious they've decided to hire the younger, prettier model?

AIBU to have lost all respect for the school and the head?

Thats a very silly thing to say along with what you said earlier about the other woman not having been employed. She has been an employer which is often much harder. If you come across this dismissive and patronising in real life that’s why they didn’t pick you.

To answer questions - it is an admin role. I have decades of experience in admin, secretarial, PA, IT - I've trained people in IT and written programmes for companies to use. I've owned my own business so have experience in that area also. Extensive experience in software packages and programming.

Yes, I was a SAHM for years to my twins, but I did numerous training programmes in that time, was self employed and volunteered a number of times. I didn't just sit on my butt doing nothing.

Sorry to hear that you didn’t get the job. I totally understand your frustration with them just wanting a job to relieve boredom and you actually needing it. My friend had something similar recently where a man who was rich and retired got a local van driving job over her, she desperately needed the money, he just wanted something to do.
i don’t think it will help you to assume it’s anything to do with age or physical appearance though, it sounds like you’re being hard on yourself to go along with that narrative. As others have said there may be reasons you don’t know about that made the other two better suited to this job. I hope you can be kind to yourself and look onwards and upwards to the next job opportunity and not dwell too much on this. (Also if they really are shallow enough to employ people based on physical appearance then you definitely don’t want to work there)

I am not like that at all really. I realise it might sound that way as I am very disappointed right now and sulking a bit. I have also been an employer and owned my own business, and am a qualified therapist which is kinda important in a pastoral support role I think.

OP, I'm 51 and fat too. I started a new job recently. I truly don't think size has anything to do with it. Just move on gracefully. There really can be all sorts of reasons that this happens and I bet if she is as casual as you say, she won't last 5 minutes in the job. She may even turn it down and you get it. So be gracious and professional and stay confident and strong. There'll be something else for you.

Women can be young, slim, pretty AND clever, experienced and appointable. I really dislike those interview "days" schools host - I would never reveal anything about my prior experience or motivation for applying for the role to the other candidates so maybe you didn't get the full story either.

Sorry you didn't get the job on this occasion but I think you need to check your internalised misogyny - how you view other women says a lot!

Haha, I'm probably the least misogynistic person you'll ever meet - I go out of my way to help others. And it's now 'how I view other women'. This lady went out of her way to tell, me, the team and the head how she owns the new wine bar in town and just wants the job to relieve boredom. I don't think it's unfair of me to feel a bit bitter about her getting a job that I actually needed.

There is plenty of research that backs up OPs claim. Attractive people are more likely to get hired and get paid more.

‘Being “good-looking really does pay off,” as “decades of research have shown that attractive individuals are more likely to get ahead in their careers.” There is also a related feature; attractive people know that they possess good looks, and capture the attention of people.’ Forbes magazine

Thanks - unfortunately from bitter experience I can tell you this is true. I mean I'm not butt ugly, but my age and weight definitely count against me. And for those wondering - I am trying to do something about my weight, but it's not from over eating but due to other reasons, and it's not easy. Can't do anything about my age though lol.

Do you think you might be thinking this, but it's not true?

It could be a host of reasons and perhaps you're not coming across as your best self?

I do find it hard to believe that you know for certain that loads of jobs have gone to younger/slimmer applicants - hiw can you possibly know.

It’s understandable that you are feeling disappointed and disheartened but maybe the other applicants have done you a huge favour , as you are free now to apply for alternative job roles that you had not yet considered.

You could be right, you could be wrong. I don’t think you could know with any certainty. So, while I sympathise with you (I am middle aged too and it is much harder to successfully gain employment as an older woman than it was when I was younger), I think it would be more beneficial to you to give them the benefit of the doubt.

I hope you find something soon. Good luck 🤞

Because for a jot of the jobs I've applied/interviewed for, I've had to go back to that company for some reason or another and seen the person appointed, and without exception they've all been young, slim and pretty.

YABU. You are assuming that she got the job based on looks and not by merit. Just because she's younger and thinner than you doesn't mean she doesn't have other qualities and experience that were more favourable for the position. I think it's ridiculous to assume someone got a position because of how they look and just comes across very jealous. If she were your same age and build but still got it how would you feel?

Sorry you didn't get it, it is frustrating if she only wants it for 'something to do' whereas you had your heart set on it, but unfortunately you aren't guaranteed something just because you want it.

Well, it's perfectly possible to be attractive and good looking, and be fat too. I can't quite believe the angle you've taken there.

It sounds like you have loads of great experience and skills, so I'd say then you're perhaps not coming across well in your interviews.

Do you feel confident in yourself? Sometimes just being a bit self conscious can really come across! Fingers crossed for you in your next application, you will get something.

I don't find that odd at all. It's really useful, if frustrating, feedback to know that you were appointable to the role but just missed out because others were judged to be more suitable. I have always told unsuccessful candidates they are appointable if they have been. And I've been told the same myself when unsuccessful.

without exception they've all been young, slim and pretty.

...but they could have also been more suited for the jobs and interviewed better. I'm not saying looks don't matter at all in some cases, but to flatly say they got the roles over you purely on looks isn't fair.

Women supporting women!

If you've not yet reached the age of being put out to pasture, perhaps it seems unlikely women are routinely turned away from jobs they are eminently suited for, have decades of experience in, and are the better candidates for, in lieu of younger, slimmer, prettier women.

Eve Harrington, over and over again.

So why were you on JSA if you were self-employed during that time? You said you were “out of the workplace for 8 years” in that thread. Now you’re saying you were self-employed.

Qualified therapist? Sure you are. That’s why you pulled that crazy stunt with a knife in front of your child.

Maybe the school saw through you?

A friend of mine went for a job interview at her kids school. I met her for a coffee after and she told me it had gone really well.

I asked her what sort of things they'd asked and how she'd answered. I was privately quite shocked at how she had answered the questions which were not what I would deem professional or correct.

She didn't get the job. Maybe this is a similar case with you. Perhaps it didn't go as well as you thought?

I find it much harder to take the fucking views of fat equals ugly on this thread!you can be fat and gorgeous.society needs to change big time.

I think it is possible that your terrible attitude comes across more than you realise. For somebody that is complaining about being judged superficially, you are doing an awful lot of judging superficially yourself. Personally I would have admiration for somebody that has run their own business, it would indicate a lot of skills but your take out is that she has “never been employed”.

Personally I would have admiration for somebody that has run their own business, it would indicate a lot of skills but your take out is that she has “never been employed”.

This is kind of my point though - she has never been employed and yet the head told me both the other candidates have previous experience working in schools.

@WoofWoofMooWoof Because of what @BigChesterDraws posted, I had a quick look at some of your pp.

You have been through a lot. And I think when we go through a lot of stress or trauma we unintentionally give off a kind of stress or anxiety or intense kind of vibe that can make some people feel uncomfortable.

Could it be your previous stress being subconsciously picked up by other people? And it’s putting them off hiring you? A big part of choosing a suitable candidate for a job is how they will fit in with other staff.

I am not saying this to make you feel bad. Maybe find something that helps you completely relax and at ease in your interviews. Maybe try some meditation and relaxation techniques before an interview.