Too old, too fat?

[WoofWoofMooWoof]

I need somewhere to rant. I went for a job interview today at my DC's school - they know me there. I do what I can to help the school out whenever I am able. It is an Ofsted outstanding school and I've always had the biggest respect for the teachers there.

There are two positions and they only interviewed three people. It was an 'interview day' where we had a tour of the school, met the team etc, and were then interviewed separately. The whole thing took three hours. Me and another lady did the interview day together and the third lady was interviewed later, after school, so I didn't get to meet her. The other lady and I had quite a bit of time alone together in the staff room and we chatted a lot. She owned a restaurant which she sold to open a wine bar, and she only wanted the job so she wouldn't be bored during the day when the bar isn't open. She's never even been to the school before. I am a single mother desperate to find a job so I can feed my kids who are pupils at the school.

However, I am 51 and fat, and she's in her 40s, pretty and slender.

I thought the interview went very well (despite me having bad side effects from my second Covid booster earlier in the week).

Got a phone call from the head teacher this evening saying that I am employable, but I was unsuccessful because the other candidates were stronger and had experience working in a school. This despite the fact that I have 32 years admin experience and the other lady owns a bloody wine bar!

AIBU to be totally pissed off at him blatantly lying to me? To me it's very obvious they've decided to hire the younger, prettier model?

AIBU to have lost all respect for the school and the head?

What nasty responses.

Why are so many people on here keen to deny that when a man is deciding who gets a job, he is likely to pick a candidate he fancies?

And all the bollocks about maybe it's because the other candidate took a lower salary. What tosh. It's a school job and the salary will be set in stone not private sector.

Try getting an online job with your IT skills. You'll make more.

Rejection is always very hard to take, but you're just going to have to pick yourself up here I'm afraid. Try again, good luck.

I think it's more likely that it's the time you've been out of the workplace. You might both have the right skills and experience but hers is more recent. I can't recall work examples or scenarios in detail from 5 years ago but things from the last year are very fresh and I can talk about them with much more enthusiasm.

Are you saying that no woman that is younger and slimmer than the OP could possibly secure a job based on merit, it must be because of appearance? Because that is the logical conclusion of what you and OP are saying and it is insulting.

I’m 38 and have about 12 years experience in education at a tertiary level. I left that and now work in my own business. When discussing with people in general chit chat I only talk about what I currently do, I don’t bring up my work in education.
In an interview situation as you’ve described, I would never discuss my suitability with another candidate, I would keep everything light and hold my cards close. I would also downplay my desire for the role to anyone except the interviewer, in case I was unsuccessful. She may have plenty experience suitable for the role, but she doesn’t know you very well so just kept the conversation about her restaurant/bar business.

I don't doubt there's discrimination relating to age and weight, but I think the problem here is the assumptions you're making when comparing yourself to other candidates, who have probably been quite selective in what they have chosen to tell you about their their work experience (very, very unlikely they were applying for the job because of boredom!). But mostly it's your entitled attitude, sorry.

Many of the responses on here are appalling

OP I would also think the same. Sadly it IS the case that the more attractive you are (and nepotism) the more likely you'll succeed in an interview, I've see it many times.

You don't come across as having a massive chip on your shoulder, or entitled, or any of the other guff people are spouting on here, you feel unjustly rejected. Now, whether what you think is actually true, you may never know, but it is completely understandable.

I hope you find something suitable.

As someone who does a lot of interviewing and hiring - I would not use the term employable but I would say appointable in the context of the role. I'm not a fan of the approach used in this instance, unless its a graduate program when you are testing different things I don't think candidate should be chatting to each other. I also think recent work history counts. And running your own business gives a person a lot of relevant experience. Given the interview was separate you have no idea how the other candidates performed or what they said.

I came to suggest therapy but have seen you are a therapist - are you working privately or for an organisation? I’m a therapist and there are SO many school jobs around atm, surely you could do that?

Just to clarify to people saying I have an entitled attitude and I'm bashing this other lady - she sat there, and in front of me and the team (including the Assistant Head who jointly conducted the interview with the Head), that she wanted the job to pass the time. If I was an employer I would seriously wonder if she really wanted the actual job, or just something to do out of boredom. Regardless of what she said later in the interview, she still said that in front of everyone.

First of all, you don’t know her whole job history. Plenty of people have had admin roles at some point in their career and unless you’ve read her CV, you don’t know what experience she has. An admin role is an admin role, I can’t imagine it’s much different in a school or in an office etc

Secondly, running a business involves a huge amount of admin. So she definitely has experience there.

Maybe they just really liked her personality at interview and thought she would be the best fit?

I can understand it's frustrating that she doesn't need the job and still got it, though that's sadly often the way with many things.

Op I would let this go.
You didnt get the job, accept this gracefully and let the head know if another vacancy comes up you would be interested.
Yes its the ideal job for you and you need a job but that doesnt mean its your job.
Whatever you do dont slate the head or the other candidate around school.

I'm sorry you didn't secure the role but you have no idea who you are up against.

In an interview situation as you’ve described, I would never discuss my suitability with another candidate, I would keep everything light and hold my cards close.

Same here. Yes she owned a wine bar but she may not have told you her other relevant experience in education.

Also you seem to have jumped to the conclusion that she only got the job as she is younger and slimmer. Owning your own business means she will have a raft of skills and experience that will be transferable.

You said you had bad Covid booster side effects, maybe this impacted your interview performance more than you realised.

I think you need to have more confidence in yourself. Loose some weight if it will help...for your health more than anything.

Why did school say "you are employable."?? How big are you?

Also, employer might prefer to look for someone who they think can fit in better rather than experience too. I see all these less experienced people being hired at work internally simply because my managers think they get along with the team better (namely social ladder!).

This really sounds like either emotion is clouding your ability to accurately remember what she said, or that she made a joke that you’ve misinterpreted.

I'd put a request for interview feedback in writing to them. I know I've been for interviews in the past where I've felt it went well but was unsuccessful but now looking back I didn't say the right things or explain/ give enough evidence to have scored highly enough. Most interviews now are a points based system so they've obviously covered more buzzwords than you and have therefore been successful. I highly doubt it's to do with age or weight. It sounds like you did do well but just didn't hit enough points.

Working In a small team a lot of it is about personality rather than skills. Most people can be trained and the other woman sounds like she can hold her own. Maybe she just got on with the team better? Maybe they drink at her wine bar? I think it's best to draw a line under it and stop feeling so bitter

Do you meet and chat to other candidates every time you have an interview? That's odd.

Maybe there was a values based element to the interview? If someone can show they are adapatable and have the right attitude, sometimes experience isn't as importanr as values matching. For some jobs anyway.

I've been to interviews before for jobs I have a lot of experience in and thought I had done OK and then rejected without a lot of feedback as to why and then other times (like my current job) where I had no experience at all and thought I had performed poorly at interview and I got the job.

Sorry you didn't get the job OP. Better luck at your next interview

What side effects were you displaying?

No one will ever know the full story behind why someone is hired over someone else. However, I do think being attractive counts as much as a 'skill' the same way coming from public school counts positively in your favour. No one is saying that attractive candidates aren't hired on merit, just that attractiveness is often seen as a sort of a 'bonus point' and generates some positive bias, consciously or otherwise.

I've found that this to be especially true in very male-dominated sectors like tech and finance.

People don't HAVE to appoint if noone is suitable. They could have said no to everyone and readvertised, school office jobs are usually very sought after.
There could be a million reasons you weren't chosen. I think by assuming it's the way you look, you are not taking the opportunity to get feedback and work on what may be the actual issue. They may have had to offer you an interview as you met criteria, but you may have been a pain in their ass as a parent for years/your spelling wasn't great/your safeguarding answers were poor/you didn't prioritise tasks correctly/your references were crap.