Too old, too fat?

[WoofWoofMooWoof]

I need somewhere to rant. I went for a job interview today at my DC's school - they know me there. I do what I can to help the school out whenever I am able. It is an Ofsted outstanding school and I've always had the biggest respect for the teachers there.

There are two positions and they only interviewed three people. It was an 'interview day' where we had a tour of the school, met the team etc, and were then interviewed separately. The whole thing took three hours. Me and another lady did the interview day together and the third lady was interviewed later, after school, so I didn't get to meet her. The other lady and I had quite a bit of time alone together in the staff room and we chatted a lot. She owned a restaurant which she sold to open a wine bar, and she only wanted the job so she wouldn't be bored during the day when the bar isn't open. She's never even been to the school before. I am a single mother desperate to find a job so I can feed my kids who are pupils at the school.

However, I am 51 and fat, and she's in her 40s, pretty and slender.

I thought the interview went very well (despite me having bad side effects from my second Covid booster earlier in the week).

Got a phone call from the head teacher this evening saying that I am employable, but I was unsuccessful because the other candidates were stronger and had experience working in a school. This despite the fact that I have 32 years admin experience and the other lady owns a bloody wine bar!

AIBU to be totally pissed off at him blatantly lying to me? To me it's very obvious they've decided to hire the younger, prettier model?

AIBU to have lost all respect for the school and the head?

Thank you. I agree 😊.

You literally have no idea why they hired the other person and having better looking in their 40s person is not beyond the realms of reality I can assure you. It may well have been for their intellect or her experience, we will never know.
I have spent 23 years trying to train hiring managers out of hiring people because they liked them.

You literally have no idea why they hired the other person and having better looking in their 40s person is not beyond the realms of reality I can assure you.

Neither do you, so it struck me as incredibly hypocritical that you were putting it down to possible misogyny when blatantly displaying that yourself.

Age discrimination is a well researched fact and it hits women at younger ages than men.

OP is really not being unreasonable to think this may be a factor.

OP is only 51 herself!

Age might be a factor in the decisions that some employers make, but I doubt a difference of few years, when both candidates would fit into the same age category would make that much difference.

It will become evident to them, she's not a good fit. Wait for her to leave and reapply.

Can you explain why she's not a good fit?

I'm baffled.

Maaate... it's "you're" for "you are".

Gotta proofread before hitting 'post' if YOU'RE gonna go after someone else's grammar/spelling.

furiously checks own short post

This isn’t to do with your looks. You can’t blame them for your predicament. This is to do with your attitude and how you came across in interview.

It doesn’t matter how much you need the job, that is not a consideration for the school.

It matters that they pick the best candidates for the roles and considering they had all previous information and did the interviews, they’re are best placed to decide that over your.

You will go further in life if you deal with your issues and better yourself rather than blaming how you look (which you can do something about if it bothers you so much).

Mostly because you need money to start up on your own (eg hiring a consulting room, paying for Professional Indemnity Insurance etc), and I don't have the money to do that

What work would you do if you were self employed?

Insurance is not necessarily expensive, Mine was around £100pa.

When you say 'consulting' is this therapy type work? Be warned it's very erratic and you are unlikely to make a living out of it.

Truthfully, you need to decide what you want to do for the next 15 years and make a plan. Use your previous experience and focus on developing those skills and updating them. Then register with agencies. I'm surprised you aren't doing that already.

I guess you are in Scotland by the way you say High School as that isn't a term used in England.

Is there a shortage of suitable jobs in your area?

A mini-rant lol. What is also annoying is that so many companies advertise vacancies and interview people to comply with rules when they already have someone lined up for the job. A couple of months ago I went for an interview and didn't get the job because they 'decided' to hire a friend instead. It was obvious they had her lined up the whole time. Such a waste of people's time.

Would you look to become self-employed again, for example virtual assistant type of role?

@WoofWoofMooWoof I think people are being a bit hard on you. Take some time and get fully better. I don’t think you are crazy thinking being 51 and over weight was a factor, it may have been even if subconsciously. I am 55 and could lose 2 stone myself. When you feel better try again, you’ve got to believe there is something much better out there for you.

Just to add my tuppence worth, and having interviewed many times to appoint similar roles, in a small admin team, personality and the right fit is vital. I have also interviewed candidates who tell me how the school ought to be run, or are indiscreet about children, families or staff. Is it possible, OP that you may have come across as "knowing all about" the school?

I think you're right - the thought of working for someone else again isn't appealing. Thing is - I have a lot of experience and a mind of my own, and a lot of employers want someone young that they can 'mould' and train.

No lol, not in Scotland. I'm in England but grew up in a different country where they have high schools.

We are rural and there are a lot of jobs in the nearest town, which would mean an hour commute twice a day, and with my autistic daughter I'm kind of stuck to school hours as I can't leave her alone for too long. That's why a local job is better.

I have looked into that, yes. I am getting a (very long) ethernet cable as all those jobs need hardwired connection to the internet and not wi-fi.

@WoofWoofMooWoof I see you have IT background. Get on linked in and indeed.com

lots of places are crying out for IT staff: salaries are great and remote working seems to be available most places

Unless you were in all of the other interviews, you have no idea what people's experience and suitability actually are.

People won't always give away all of their experience in the chit-chat between tours and interviews.
They may just be making self-deprecating humorous remarks, for example, to avoid seeming arrogant.

On the other hand, the school may be assessing candidates' demeanour during these moments - if nothing else, it may be a "tie-breaker" particularly if the interviews were a close call.

I was once on a panel where one candidate was convinced the job was theirs.

The questions are mostly open-ended scenario questions. All the candidates were asked the same questions and were scored on each reply.

This person answered most of the questions adequately but no more. And their attitude was odd and there was a sense of "this is beneath me" - may be because they thought the job was already theirs, who knows!

When this candidate didn't get the job, they asked for interview feedback which we were able to give in a fair amount of detail.
Even going through each question, this person argued that their response was fantastic and refused to accept that several other candidates had responded better.
It was excruciating but for us it confirmed that we had made the right decision and we had dodged a bullet.

I don't think I did. One of the questions was: If you find a way to make things run more smoothly but your manager disagrees, what would you do? I said that I wouldn't want to go over his head, but I might present my idea to the team and see what they think about it, and that if the team feels it would work we could all present it to the manager.

They might have hired her because of her looks or maybe because of her abilities and experience. Either way you'll never know, so there's no point in stressing. I went for promotion a few years ago. I'm 40, size 12 with dark hair. She's mid 20s with blonde hair and very good looking. Typical slender mid 20s body! Maybe she got it because of her looks, but I think it more likely that she just did a better interview than me. Either way, I'll never know, so... All you can do is keep moving forward and make sure you're well groomed and confident.

They saw me today when I wasn't feeling well, but they know me to be a friendly, approachable person. When I go in I have a chat and a laugh with the receptionists, I get along well with all the DCs teachers etc, so they know what I'm like when I'm 'well'.

Obviously a different school, but I got an admin job in our local school despite being a size 18, 58 years old and having been a SAHM for 12 years at that time.

We also had an interview half day in my case. The woman who I went around with was talking to me about my experience and I told her I'd been a SAHM for 12 years. She told me all about her admin experience which was very good. What I didn't tell her was that I'd run my own craft online business for 4 years at that time, had done voluntary work with a local charity to keep my skills up and had done reading practice every week for two years with my local school (not the one with the job). I wasn't going to tell a would be rival (only one job) everything about my background and help her phrase her answers in the interview to 'out job' me! We were taken around by some of the students in the school and I had a chat with them on the way round - she didn't. That clinched it in the manager's eyes as she asked the students for their feedback as they needed a student friendly person. The fact that she didn't engage with them didn't go down well.

There can be lots of reasons why a person who looks less qualified, can stand out. But I wouldn't assume the head was lying when they said the person had more school experience. The woman who I beat to the job would assume I had no school experience but I did. I just didn't choose to share it with her.

Not sure where you live, but I could get one of those delivered next day. Or if you choose to look for more jobs, it doesn't hurt to practise interviewing skills. The other lady has obviously come across better, for me (without knowing you, just reading here) it could be for example drive / go get attitude/ being proactive. Good luck

OP, I understand what you’re saying and I agree with you. I’m a little older than you are, never been especially attractive but I have a daughter (24) who is very pretty and gets attention and favours wherever she goes. I’ve watched this for years and it’s definitely not my imagination. It’s a very unfair fact of life that attractive people are treated differently.

I agree with this.