Too old, too fat?

[WoofWoofMooWoof]

I need somewhere to rant. I went for a job interview today at my DC's school - they know me there. I do what I can to help the school out whenever I am able. It is an Ofsted outstanding school and I've always had the biggest respect for the teachers there.

There are two positions and they only interviewed three people. It was an 'interview day' where we had a tour of the school, met the team etc, and were then interviewed separately. The whole thing took three hours. Me and another lady did the interview day together and the third lady was interviewed later, after school, so I didn't get to meet her. The other lady and I had quite a bit of time alone together in the staff room and we chatted a lot. She owned a restaurant which she sold to open a wine bar, and she only wanted the job so she wouldn't be bored during the day when the bar isn't open. She's never even been to the school before. I am a single mother desperate to find a job so I can feed my kids who are pupils at the school.

However, I am 51 and fat, and she's in her 40s, pretty and slender.

I thought the interview went very well (despite me having bad side effects from my second Covid booster earlier in the week).

Got a phone call from the head teacher this evening saying that I am employable, but I was unsuccessful because the other candidates were stronger and had experience working in a school. This despite the fact that I have 32 years admin experience and the other lady owns a bloody wine bar!

AIBU to be totally pissed off at him blatantly lying to me? To me it's very obvious they've decided to hire the younger, prettier model?

AIBU to have lost all respect for the school and the head?

OP, we all have bad days.
It’s just too bad you posted on here during one.

Chin up and keep going, and hopefully something else comes your way soon.

Weight loss is hard, be kind to yourself.

But we don't know if she haven't been employed before.
To wuote OP
"Well, the other lady owned a restaurant and now a wine bar. From what I could tell she's never actually been employed, and definitely not in a school."
Op is just guessing. The other candidate simply didn't say anything about jobs around or pre hospitality business. You wouldn't know what I did previously if you didn't see my CV. Doesn't mean anything

I feel better now and realise how I came across.

lesson learnt then OP, don’t post online when you’re angry! Good kick on the job hunt and don’t go to interviews when you’re unwell!

You can look for reasons connected with training and experience, but usually it comes down to personalities.

I was once in a role in education and interviewed volunteers to work with me. (I know yours wasn't a voluntary role.)

I didn't care that much about relevant experience, because what mattered was how they would fit into the environment, how quickly they could learn, how they would get on with everyone else.

It's often about 'does your face fit' (and that's not to do with weight or age.)

My very first job (which was in education) was offered to me even though I was less qualified than other candidates. I got the job because the Dept head wanted me in their dept, and we 'clicked'.

I think you have to accept that they simply didn't warm to you for some reason.

Look elsewhere, ask your friends to give you frank feedback on how you might come over in an interview and maybe get some practice through a career coach or someone similar.

Also, if your skills in IT are so good, why aren't you looking for work in that area or setting up your own business?

Have you not worked since you had children? It sounds that way and that will be a big no-no. The way round that is to get some temping roles and these often become perm jobs.

Presumably the ht means that you are a reserve should a position become available in the next 6 months, you should clarify this.Ask for feedback from the interview and state that you're puzzled about the previous experience.
I can see how upsetting this is for you and would also question the process as applicants could effectively psyche each other out during the school visit/tour.

@WoofWoofMooWoof I am doing something about my weight

I'm not sure why you keep saying this as I think you're the only one concentrating on this aspect. Apart from a (nasty) few, the majority of people have opined thar this is a non-issue when it comes to employability. After all, you've said the weight gain has nothing to do with laziness or diet so I'm assuming it's a medical/physical issue. Either way, it's good you feel motivated enough to try and become a healthier person BUT with regards to getting a job, it's really not relevant.

Get help with your cv and interview skills

Could it simply be that you were over qualified for the role? I was turned down for a part time admin role in a local secondary school because they assumed I wouldn’t stay in it for long as I was over qualified and had been paid a much higher salary in the past. I was coming out of 6 years as a SAHM, newly single mum of two, and similarly quite desperate for a local, part time job. I understood why they turned me down. They were looking for someone non-ambitious, who they could train up and stick at the role on a low salary indefinitely. They assumed I’d want to climb a ladder, and there wasn’t one to climb. This was more or less the feedback they gave me. I was mid 40s, relatively pretty and quite slim.

Best of luck with the job hunting, OP! Hopefully this thread has been helpful in a way.

Assume what you want - I like learning new things - that doesn't make me a bad person.

And no, I didn't assume the job was mine - I hoped it would be and I knew there was a good chance it would, as there were only three candidates. Believe what you want.

I went for an interview earlier in the year feeling ill but had not yet tested positive for covid. I didn’t get the job as didn’t come across well, I couldn’t see it at the time as I then was so ill. But I had lost all spark.

Maybe you’re not coming across as well as you could when you interview or maybe the interviewer thinks someone else is a better fit for their team culture.

I’m sure there are lots of biases going on in interviews, but from your attitude, you’re not allowing yourself to think about where you can improve.

Last of all, I would be furious if they said candidate 1 had XX experience and they didn’t BUT don’t burn your bridges.

DH was on an interview panel for a headteacher and felt that the rest of the panel preferred the younger, attractive candidate to the middle aged and overweight one, although he thought she was better. It is definitely an issue.

Yes, I've had that a number of times - sorry, you're overqualified and we think you'd be bored in the job. I just wish people would understand I just want a job. At my age I don't even mind a bit of boredom lol.

Given the Head said your were 'employable' was he meaning that you have had along career break because you were a SAHM?

I know you have listed your jobs, but were they all before children, or maybe working for yourself?

If that's the case (and you've not been clear) it's more likely that your interview skills need brushing up.

Re other reasons for your weight gain- you're 51. Are you alluding to the menopause perhaps?

I just wish people would understand I just want a job

Register with agencies.

Get temp jobs.

Get back into an office or whatever is out there to gain experience.

I wouldn't want to employ a parent who's children were at my school

It sounds to me that you would be very well qualified to do this job but there was something about the interview that meant they preferred the other 2 candidates. It could be any number of things but it’s hard to judge not having been there. It could have been your answers, how you came across, could have been how Frank you were about your vaccine side effects, could have been preconceptions based on their prior knowledge of you.

But on the application form they asked if I had children at the school, their names and forms. If that was a problem then why did the call me for interview?

OP, as I said before, why not become self-employed using one of your existing skillsets?

I was a SAHM for 8 years, had a few jobs on contract after the kiddos went to school and then lockdown hit and I had to homeschool two high school students. Once things got 'back to normal-ish' I started jobhunting again.

I have done online courses through Shaw Trust on CV writing and interview skills. I'm also well versed in STAR lol.

OP I think you have had a kicking on here and some posters have been pretty vindictive and spiteful (well it’s AIBU). I think posting this at the time you did and in the state of mind you were in was probably a mistake but we have all done it.

FWIW and as dispassionately as possible you sound highly intelligent and it’s clear that you have had to be very resilient in your life and those are good qualities which some employer will snap up.

To give a bit of (hopefully) constructive criticism though I think you have talked yourself into a slightly self pitying mindset and while you obviously put your best foot forward you would be surprised how much you can subconsciously project this. I would be extremely surprised if your weight and age in and of themselves counted against you,. It’s true that they can influence people in hiring decisions but rarely in this environment. I think it’s much more likely you came across as a bit defensive and probably not on your A game due to illness.

I think you need to go away and regroup and get better and keep on keeping on but you do need to watch your subconscious projection of being a bit of a victim. It may be bullshit but the reality is employers look for people with a positive attitude and really good people skills. Any whiff of self pity is kryptonite.

Mostly because you need money to start up on your own (eg hiring a consulting room, paying for Professional Indemnity Insurance etc), and I don't have the money to do that.

You haven't read the other woman's CV and you didn't interview her. You do not know what her past experience is or isn't, only what she says she's doing now.

Stop making stuff up to suit your narrative (then starting to believe your own tall tales).

Employers want the person best-suited to the job. They don't have any duty to provide anyone with employment. Frustrating but true.

This. Absolutely this. This will come off you in waves in the interview process. You might have all the experience in the world, but if school know you’re a pain in the arse, it would be a hard no. Admin staff are the face of the school. It’s critical to get the appointment right personality wise. Nothing to do with age and weight. In fact, age and wisdom can be an advantage here.

They might have wanted to make the numbers up and they will interview older applicants so it fits diversity criteria. Since the knife episode have you learnt more about safeguarding and what you should have done and been doing eg calling the Police? Do you know see that children aren't inherently bad and you been harsh towards the other children in your threads? I'd wonder about safeguarding ability, kindness running into victim blaming, not seeing the wider picture etc. Which is important in pastoral care. You've also got to guard against projection in pastoral care and a bar manager might be a better fit, than a parent, especially someone whose had your issues. You could only have got the job based on your DD not telling a professional about your conduct, is that who we want working in our schools in pastoral care?

The head may well have been a misogynistic prick that wanted the young pretty thing around the school, there is very little point in denying that that is a possibility however there’s bugger all you can do about it.

OP said the other woman was in her forties! Hardly ‘the young pretty thing’ at that age.

Reducing any woman that has just achieved the job she wanted as a pretty young thing and implying that she only got the job because of looks is misogynistic in itself. You can’t come out with crap like that and excuse others of being misogynistic just because they hired the candidate they thought would be best for a job.