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AIBU?

To ask how to handle my judgemental nephew?

146 replies

RainbowSlide · 07/10/2022 11:15

My 13 yo nephew often comments on my parenting and it's starting to piss me off, as he does it in earshot of my kids. He's quite a young 13, and kind of oblivious to other people's feelings, so I'd like some advice as to how to pull him up on it and let him know it's really judgemental and not ok or kind to say what he's saying. But I don't want to do it in a way that he feels he's been scolded. I guess I'm worried I'll damage our relationship. Or that I'll just be defensive and clearly take it personally (which I do).

For example, he'll often tell me my kids are spoilt, right in front of them. I don't think they are, but we live in a bigger house than they do (he is really aware of money and affluence somehow), although we're in a semi regional area so it's actually no more expensive than their place in the city. He just doesn't realise it, and thinks we have loads of money. We don't, but he's mentioned a few times that he wants to do the job my dh does bc it pays well (in his mind). I try and brush it off each time but he has it in his mind that our kids are spoilt and I let them get away with a lot. I don't know why it's getting to me so much, but I'd like to put a stop to it - why he thinks it's ok to be rude like this and judge things he doesn't know anything about.

I've digressed. Basically, could you give advice on what to say next time he says negative and judgemental things about how I raise my kids? They're 7 and 3, so often listening and definitely influenced by their big cousin.

Tia

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 07/10/2022 11:17

Tbh, I wouldn’t engage with a 13 year old on parenting.

W0tnow · 07/10/2022 11:21

Give him a look and say, “some people would consider what you just said to be rude”. I’m not sure how you could say anything without him slightly scolded!

RainbowSlide · 07/10/2022 11:22

MrsSkylerWhite · 07/10/2022 11:17

Tbh, I wouldn’t engage with a 13 year old on parenting.

Exactly, I'd really rather not, but he says it often with no prompting from me!

OP posts:
Toyingyu · 07/10/2022 11:24

Our 14yr old can be like this at times. He's started to make comments on us being careful with energy use and can say things like 'well you shouldn't be working part time if you can't afford gas and electric bills' (we can afford them I just don't want to pay more than we have to) or 'well you'll need to increase the food budget' when he's eaten all of the snacks within the first two days.

I don't ever remember considering what my parents spent or earned at all. In the end I snapped and said we have no money worries due to us both working and managing our money well but we choose to budget certain amounts on things and don't like to go over that amount. If he wants more snacks or to have 30 minute long showers then he's free to pay for them himself.

Adelaide66 · 07/10/2022 11:24

Why not say in a jocular way " No more advice from you, thank you, speak to me when you are 25 and an adult".
13 year old boys can be very cocky.

WellWaitForItToPass · 07/10/2022 11:24

You say to him ‘what you are saying is coming across as very rude. It’s not good manners to speak like that, so stop it at once or I shall tell your mother.’

It takes a village.

HappyHamsters · 07/10/2022 11:24

Have you spoken to your sister/brother about it and told them it upsets you

MrsSkylerWhite · 07/10/2022 11:25

RainbowSlide · Today 11:22
MrsSkylerWhite · Today 11:17
Tbh, I wouldn’t engage with a 13 year old on parenting.
Exactly, I'd really rather not, but he says it often with no prompting from me“

in which case “ok”.

WellWaitForItToPass · 07/10/2022 11:26

Adelaide66 · 07/10/2022 11:24

Why not say in a jocular way " No more advice from you, thank you, speak to me when you are 25 and an adult".
13 year old boys can be very cocky.

Yes, this.

Dont be afraid to tell rude and bad mannered children that they are being rude and bad mannered. That’s why there are so many about, no one ever challenges them.

OccasionalNachos · 07/10/2022 11:26

Adelaide66 · 07/10/2022 11:24

Why not say in a jocular way " No more advice from you, thank you, speak to me when you are 25 and an adult".
13 year old boys can be very cocky.

This is a good idea. Shut it down, without scolding (although that would be appropriate!) and set the boundary back. Teenagers can be nasty but remember their brains are still developing - he’ll kick himself in the future remembering what a snide little wretch he was.

waterrat · 07/10/2022 11:27

I think you are worrying too much about 'not' scolding him - it's rude and he needs to learn that before he turns into an obnoxious adult.

Just say - you are speaking very rudely - or take him aside- kids NEED the feeling of being 'corrected politely/ but efficiently ' etc it's part of growing into a fully functioning adult!

MintJulia · 07/10/2022 11:27

W0tnow · 07/10/2022 11:21

Give him a look and say, “some people would consider what you just said to be rude”. I’m not sure how you could say anything without him slightly scolded!

This. He's a 13yo boy They do tend to suffer from foot in mouth disease.

Or you could leave them both in his care for a couple of hours. See if he can do any better. It might change his views. 😊

KettrickenSmiled · 07/10/2022 11:28

But I don't want to do it in a way that he feels he's been scolded.

Why?
He's obviously aware that he's go tthe upper hand over you. That's why he feels he has carte blanche to be so rude & insulting.
Start being his aunt. An adult.

"I'll just stop you there Kevin - you're being rude & I don't want to hear it."
Then walk away - allow NO room whatsoever for comebacks.

SerenaTee · 07/10/2022 11:29

Yep, I’d say things like “ah bless, you sound like me before I had kids and thought I had this parenting malarkey sussed” or “thanks for the feedback, when can we discuss what your parents have done wrong?”

BalmyBalmes · 07/10/2022 11:31

Agree with others
"No advice from a 13 year old boy please! That's for adults"
Then move swiftly on and don't engage. Repeat every time.

And if it's within earshot of your children they will see you consider him a child and are not paying attention to his opinions

TheYearOfSmallThings · 07/10/2022 11:31

If he isn't meaning to be rude I would just say "Interesting views Jimmy, let's discuss this further when you have your own children!"

Iamclearlyamug · 07/10/2022 11:31

KettrickenSmiled · 07/10/2022 11:28

But I don't want to do it in a way that he feels he's been scolded.

Why?
He's obviously aware that he's go tthe upper hand over you. That's why he feels he has carte blanche to be so rude & insulting.
Start being his aunt. An adult.

"I'll just stop you there Kevin - you're being rude & I don't want to hear it."
Then walk away - allow NO room whatsoever for comebacks.

Absolutely this - just shut it down, no room for further discussion

Raidcandle · 07/10/2022 11:31

Where do you think your DN has learned to come to such sweeping conclusions about income and wealth? Or about how your kids are spoilt?

I'd be having a word with your DB/DSIS about it because he's clearly parroting off what one/both of his parents are saying behind your back.

SleeplessInEngland · 07/10/2022 11:31

Talk to his parent (whichever one is the sibling) and get them to have a word.

Berthatydfil · 07/10/2022 11:31

The mumsnet classic hard stare followed by “do you mean to be so rude?” Might work.
And you could also add -“you can comment on adult issues when you are an adult but you are just a child so you have no understanding of these matters”

ChiefPearlClutcher · 07/10/2022 11:32

I can’t imagine a 13 year old coming up with all of that by himself, especially a ‘young’ 13 year old. You are being discussed and he has overheard it.

RainbowSlide · 07/10/2022 11:36

Raidcandle · 07/10/2022 11:31

Where do you think your DN has learned to come to such sweeping conclusions about income and wealth? Or about how your kids are spoilt?

I'd be having a word with your DB/DSIS about it because he's clearly parroting off what one/both of his parents are saying behind your back.

Hrmm this is what I was half thinking. He's my db's kid, and their dm doesn't live with them (divorced) and I know she's never liked my side of the family, so may be parroting her ideas. Although I haven't seen her for many years so that made me doubt it.

My DB is usually there, like he'll say "Kevin, no mate" or something similar, but then look at me with an eye roll as if to say "teenagers, right?".

I do just need to shut it down though don't I.

I'm definitely learning about the cockiness of 13yo boys, that's for sure!

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 07/10/2022 11:39

Try the old "ha yeah I thought I knew it all at your age too, buddy"

123becauseicouldntthinkofone · 07/10/2022 11:40

KettrickenSmiled · 07/10/2022 11:28

But I don't want to do it in a way that he feels he's been scolded.

Why?
He's obviously aware that he's go tthe upper hand over you. That's why he feels he has carte blanche to be so rude & insulting.
Start being his aunt. An adult.

"I'll just stop you there Kevin - you're being rude & I don't want to hear it."
Then walk away - allow NO room whatsoever for comebacks.

Completely this. Unfortunately it would appear he is very jealous of yours and your childrens circumstances and doesnt realise what he has. Does he spend a large amount of time with you?

Quveas · 07/10/2022 11:40

ChiefPearlClutcher · 07/10/2022 11:32

I can’t imagine a 13 year old coming up with all of that by himself, especially a ‘young’ 13 year old. You are being discussed and he has overheard it.

Exactly what I thought - he's repeating what he has heard from his parents.

That aside, sorry but he doesn't get a say on anything to do with your life now or when he is 25! Tell him that he is being rude and you do not require his opinion on anything. That is not scolding. It's fact.

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