To ask how to handle my judgemental nephew?

[RainbowSlide]

My 13 yo nephew often comments on my parenting and it's starting to piss me off, as he does it in earshot of my kids. He's quite a young 13, and kind of oblivious to other people's feelings, so I'd like some advice as to how to pull him up on it and let him know it's really judgemental and not ok or kind to say what he's saying. But I don't want to do it in a way that he feels he's been scolded. I guess I'm worried I'll damage our relationship. Or that I'll just be defensive and clearly take it personally (which I do).

For example, he'll often tell me my kids are spoilt, right in front of them. I don't think they are, but we live in a bigger house than they do (he is really aware of money and affluence somehow), although we're in a semi regional area so it's actually no more expensive than their place in the city. He just doesn't realise it, and thinks we have loads of money. We don't, but he's mentioned a few times that he wants to do the job my dh does bc it pays well (in his mind). I try and brush it off each time but he has it in his mind that our kids are spoilt and I let them get away with a lot. I don't know why it's getting to me so much, but I'd like to put a stop to it - why he thinks it's ok to be rude like this and judge things he doesn't know anything about.

I've digressed. Basically, could you give advice on what to say next time he says negative and judgemental things about how I raise my kids? They're 7 and 3, so often listening and definitely influenced by their big cousin.

Tia

Oh just drop some mild unobvious counteraction into conversations with your children either when he is there or when he is not. Like you have to do with certain other things they come across at school and elsewhere. Or don't have your 13 year old nephew round so often if he's obnoxious.

@Toyingyu

omg how precocious!
where’s the respect?! I wouldn’t have dreamed of speaking to my parent like that
well done for putting him in his place

"When you have kids of your own you can parent them how you like. I'll do as I like for mine".

"If you think DH's job pays a lot, you're in for a horrible shock when you grow up"

"You'll need to earn a lot. By the time you're an adult there will be no state support, no pensions and houses will cost at least a million pounds".

OK. Maybe I'm not great with kids!

Maybe next time he says anything about how spoilt your children are reply that at least they aren’t rude or judgemental children who’s only interest in life is money

I like this approach. It’s very mildly scolding but he’ll get the message. If he continues then you have cause to go a step further in calling him out. I understand your irritation — I’d have a difficult time staying quiet over this behaviour.

Tell him that he can give you parenting advice once he’s been parenting for as long as you. Until then he can keep his opinions to himself! Repeat as necessary.

I agree with others, you are being discussed, he is repeating what he hears at home.

Tell him you will be more interested in his opinions when he has a PHD in Child Psychology.

Yes this! Although I struggle watching adults pussyfooting around each other as well.

Simple, direct and them move briskly on. You don't do teenagers any favours by indulging them when they are rude, you simply set them up to be rude adults.

If the boy isn't learning manners from his parents then at least one adult in his life would be helping.

It's his age- 13 year olds think that they know more than the adults in their lives.
It's silly to get in a debate though as what do 13yo know about being spoiled and parenting ? It isn't unreasonable for him to assume that kids who get bought stuff are spoiled. Even adults would assume that children of wealthy people would be spoiled with material goods. Also it's not unreasonable that he assumes someone with a bigger house would be richer than someone with a smaller one. He lives in the city which is his norm so wouldn't understand that a small city property could cost more than a large country property because of cost per square metre.

It's unclear why you don't want to appear like you are scolding him. If your relationship is closer to siblings with a big age gap then you could go for a more teasing sort of tone. Mentioning stuff like
city prices are more per square metre is not really about his character so might be a good place to start.

Do correct him on the job thing though. Your lifestyle is the result of 2 salaries and he's a fool
if he thinks that a woman's wage doesn't affect the lifestyle of a couple in 2022. There will be girls in his class who go on to earn better than him.

Part of the reason why he's a young 13 is because people aren't pulling him up
on things and treating him younger. In the real world, other people aren't going to accept his cocky criticisms and he risks them reacting badly. If anything he acts the way he does because your brother spoils him and doesn't treat him like his age.

Regardless of whether or not you spoil you kids, I would ask your brother to have a word with him and stop saying that your kids are spoiled. Maybe explain how rules and punishments are different for younger kids and the rules were more gentle when he was younger too.

He sounds spoilt. Next time he tells you your kids are spoilt tell him “it takes one to know one”.

as to how to pull him up on it

This is your mistake, you don't pull up a 13 year old on a subject like this you verbally slap him down as hard as you can! You could start by commenting on the poor parenting he has received that makes him such a arrogant little monster.

I was very fond of this quote when mine were teens:

"When I was 17, my father was so stupid, I didn't want to be seen with him in public. When I was 24, I was amazed at how much the old man had learned in just 7 years." ~ Mark Twain

I suspect my parents would say the same 😀

God this! 🙌🏼 In spades! So so true 👌🏼

Also this! 🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼 He’s an obnoxious little shit and needs to be told so

What about

"You know surveys say that people who are polite and keep their judgmental opinions to themselves earn considerably more than those who don't. You could start practicing that now and maybe you'll be able to afford a nice house like this when you're older."

Dear god, grow a backbone! Just tell the cocky little brat not to be so bloody rude. It's not hard.

How could anyone be bothered getting upset by something a daft kid of 13 says? OP, he’s a kid, he knows nothing, why are you even listening?

The problem with kids these days is that they are arrogant and opinionated, and adults give them too much attention. Just tell him to shut up.

Your brother calling him "mate" is a big clue here. He should be getting a more solid message that his behaviour is inappropriate than a blokey suggestion, mate to mate, that he tone it down a bit. Either his dad is the kind of man who always bolsters male feelings at the expense of women, or he is being very (too) gentle with him because the boy has had a rough time with the divorce, etc.

The stuff about the mother having old fashioned views on "a woman's place" is telling too. this boy is being taught to despise and disregard women. I think he thinks his cousins have a great life (big house etc) and is bitter because he is turning into one of those males who thinks everything good that someone else has is at his expense, and by rights it should rather have been provided to him, by some woman or other who won't then be thanked.

Poor lad, but also - he's going to be an arsehole.

Put him in his place and tell him that you work very hard, both as a parent and in your job, and you are good at it, and you know what you are doing and you don't appreciate his disrespect. you can do all of the above kindly but you need to face into this head on.

“How many kids have YOU raised, then, Kevin? That’s right - none. When you’ve got kids of your own, you’ll realise how rude your criticism was.”

It's inappropriate for him to speak to you like that, so that is the first thing I would focus on. If he wants to privately think your children are spoiled, he's allowed to do that, but it's not something you say to the person, and especially not a child to an adult. It's presumptuous for him to assume he knows enough about parenting to judge your parenting correctly, and it's not his place to judge your parenting even if he was a parent himself. So I would tell him that it's not ok to speak to you that way.

The part about your house being nicer and him being envious, I would say that how nice your house is, or how much money you make, has nothing to do with your worth as a person. He and his family are not worth less than yours because their house is smaller. If you feel it would help while you're in conversation about this with him, you could explain that houses are priced differently depending on where they are, and also that people choose different features in a house depending on their needs. Again, it does not reflect on your worth as a person.

100% this

Yeesh I wouldn't be polite about this! I'd be telling him to come back when he's been a parent for 7 years and to fully shut up until then.

😂 Kevin reminds me of Adrian Mole

Oh I love AM!

My thoughts exactly, he’s heard these statements from somewhere. Or someone.