To ask how to handle my judgemental nephew?

[RainbowSlide]

My 13 yo nephew often comments on my parenting and it's starting to piss me off, as he does it in earshot of my kids. He's quite a young 13, and kind of oblivious to other people's feelings, so I'd like some advice as to how to pull him up on it and let him know it's really judgemental and not ok or kind to say what he's saying. But I don't want to do it in a way that he feels he's been scolded. I guess I'm worried I'll damage our relationship. Or that I'll just be defensive and clearly take it personally (which I do).

For example, he'll often tell me my kids are spoilt, right in front of them. I don't think they are, but we live in a bigger house than they do (he is really aware of money and affluence somehow), although we're in a semi regional area so it's actually no more expensive than their place in the city. He just doesn't realise it, and thinks we have loads of money. We don't, but he's mentioned a few times that he wants to do the job my dh does bc it pays well (in his mind). I try and brush it off each time but he has it in his mind that our kids are spoilt and I let them get away with a lot. I don't know why it's getting to me so much, but I'd like to put a stop to it - why he thinks it's ok to be rude like this and judge things he doesn't know anything about.

I've digressed. Basically, could you give advice on what to say next time he says negative and judgemental things about how I raise my kids? They're 7 and 3, so often listening and definitely influenced by their big cousin.

Tia

I wouldnt let it bother you. He is 13, he has no clue but thinks he does, pretty standard for a 13 year old.

Every time I would just say something like 'alright Supernanny/Mary Poppins/Nanny Pcphee reign it in'
and
'dont worry im sure you will get them in line once your babysitting every weekend in a year or so'

You can bet what you like that he's jealous and maybe he's mentioned to his own parents why do yours have xyz and he doesn't. They've probably said yours are spoilt or you have more money etc. It's not your place to explain to him all the whys and wherefores. If he does it again though, I'd tell his parents that you're concerned he's feeling resentful of your kids because of the comments made and leave it to them.

Yep, perfect response. Also 13 year old boys are quite capable of saying this stuff without parroting their parents. Honestly in my experience boys know absolutely everything between the ages of 13 & 21. Then most but not all of them turn back into normal clueless mortals.

If he won't stop, I'd be tempted to point out to him that he will cringe about this when he's an adult.

This 100%.

he’s getting it from somewhere.

“When I need advice I will ask an adult. Now be quiet.”

@roarfeckingroarr I remember rolling my eyes at my mother, who was unhappy and under a huge amount of stress at work, because I had loads of schoolwork and what could she possibly be stressed about?

Fast forward fifteen years and I had a bullying micromanager in my own job… and finally apologised to my mum.

Teenagers can be shits but in a lot of cases, their brains are still not quite up to it with “clever” remarks and sarcasm etc. OP’s nephew might be similar if he seems like a decent enough lad when he’s not doing this - trying to be clever or overly mature or something, and getting it (very) wrong.

Letting him know you have firm boundaries is a good thing. Letting him know women can draw the line at rude comments is a good thing.

'Kevin, we love seeing you and spending time with you but these comments are rude and I don't want to hear them anymore. It's none of your business how i parent my children. '

And say this while your brother is in the room.

This.

You're doing him no favour tolerating such rudeness.

He could well be pass remarkable in the houses of others through lack of guidance, and it will definitely flag he has been dragged up instead of properly.

No one likes mouthy, opinionated, rude teens.

It needs firm nipping in the bud.

Your children should not have to hear his unasked for opinion of them, your parenting and your home, in THEIR house.

You have an opportunity to help him develop empathy.

Don’t tell him off immediately - that might shut him down.

But tell him how you feel, why you make the decisions you do, use it as an opportunity to explain how the world works, why people spend their money differently, what you feel about enjoying yourself (nothing wrong with enjoying the money you have and treating your children if that’s what you want to do - it’s your decision and maybe he hasn’t been exposed to any other thoughts/beliefs about money before.

After that, if he’s receptive and he says ‘ohhhh, I understand’ - that’s the point where you can tell him more of your feelings - that actually you feel this can be an impolite thing to ask people, and maybe you don’t mind because you’re his auntie and he can be honest with you and that’s what family is for (to give him a safe place to explore and understand the world), but that it’s generally not polite to judge other people’s choices and advise he doesn’t do it with other people.

Don’t be defensive and feel like a scolded or criticised child, find some strength to do the adult thing and be his auntie, teach him about the world and be there for him.

Aside from him, spend some time with your own feelings and exploring why you feel defensive and what that anger is protecting you from feeling. Did you feel shamed in your childhood when you asked questions? Did you feel criticised for your choices? Because it feels like there’s something childlike in the way you want to be defensive about your nephew’s criticism, and that’s okay - natural to want to protect yourself from feeling whatever hurt is underneath - but ideally you’d explore and process that on your own and not let it affect your relationship with your nephew.

I would say "Thanks Fred, but they've already got a parent to nag them!"

That's what I say to my kids when one tries to "parent" the other, or I'm telling one off and the other joins in

Next time he says something tell him to stop being rude. You know he is getting it from his parents.. the inference that you spoil your children/have plenty of money etc etc.

'When you're a parent you can give me advise' Paddington stare!

What is wrong with scolding a rude 13 yr old?

" It's really rude to comment on our finances, which you know nothing about."
"If you wish to discuss parenting, do it with your parents in your own home.

"Stop criticising me in front of my children."
"Mind your manners".

There's a few things I might say to him:

"The most perfect parents are those who don't have children yet."

"The great thing about life is that we're not all the same and, when we're adults, we get to do stuff like parenting in our own way and make our own choices."

"I hope you don't say this sort of thing to other people, dear. We know and love you, of course, but in general criticising people in this way never goes down well and is hardly likely to endear you to them, however justified your criticisms. Learning when to speak and when to stay silent in these situations is a useful life skill."

I would just change the subject tbh. Couldn't get worked up over a 13 yr old opinion

Just patronise him right back "kind words please Kevin" the way you would speak to a 6 year old being rude.

I wouldn’t hesitate to tell a 13 year old child they are being rude. He needs to be told and firmly.

Bless him. 13 and knows everything.
He is definitely parroting what he's hearing at home.
I'd take a gentler line - ask him directly what he actually means when he says your kids are spoiled. That they have nice things? Because there's nothing wrong in that. But if he's saying your children are spoiled brats and act badly because of it, that's actually quite rude and unkind.
Don't apologise for the things you have, but agree that if you want a nice home etc then you have to work for it.
Mostly a raised eyebrow and 'all right then' is enough to respond. Don't take it seriously.
If you can, make a joke of it 'yeah, we've got pots of cash NOT'
I suspect he's a little bit envious of his cousins their nice home and not divorced parents.

If you’re determined not to scold him (which sounds like what he needs), then have you asked him why?

”What makes you say that?”

Then you get the chance to say “Actually, you’re wrong this house costs the same as a smaller one in the city” or “maybe you should have a look on the internet if you think your uncle’s job pays so much more than mine…”

Personally I’d pull him up for being so rude, but if you won’t you should at least challenge the things he’s factually wrong about.

you don't need a strategy.
"Kevin, stop talking"
"Kevin, please go away"
"Kevin isn't welcome here until he stops doing this"

Kevin, when I want the opinions of a 13 year old kid on how I raise my DC, I'll let you know, until then I'd appreciate it if you kept your opinions to yourself.

While I agree that this could be typical teenage boy cockiness ( I’ve got one, but if he spoke to his aunts like that he would quickly learn never to do it again) - but I think this sounds more like parroting of someone else’s comments.
Either way, challenge his comments firmly. It is not his place to comment on what your DC have or how your parent them and he needs to know this. I would also have a word with his dad, your brother.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with scolding a 13 year old who is being rude (whether they realise it or not!) Kids learn what is socially acceptable or not, by sensible caring adults letting them know when they cross the line.

Why be afraid of hurting his feelings? He’s hurting yours and straying into territory he has no business being in and time to learn it goes both ways. I would sharply say ‘I didn’t ask you to comment on my parenting, can you stop calling my children spoilt.’ If he continues get his parents involved.