To ask how to handle my judgemental nephew?

[RainbowSlide]

My 13 yo nephew often comments on my parenting and it's starting to piss me off, as he does it in earshot of my kids. He's quite a young 13, and kind of oblivious to other people's feelings, so I'd like some advice as to how to pull him up on it and let him know it's really judgemental and not ok or kind to say what he's saying. But I don't want to do it in a way that he feels he's been scolded. I guess I'm worried I'll damage our relationship. Or that I'll just be defensive and clearly take it personally (which I do).

For example, he'll often tell me my kids are spoilt, right in front of them. I don't think they are, but we live in a bigger house than they do (he is really aware of money and affluence somehow), although we're in a semi regional area so it's actually no more expensive than their place in the city. He just doesn't realise it, and thinks we have loads of money. We don't, but he's mentioned a few times that he wants to do the job my dh does bc it pays well (in his mind). I try and brush it off each time but he has it in his mind that our kids are spoilt and I let them get away with a lot. I don't know why it's getting to me so much, but I'd like to put a stop to it - why he thinks it's ok to be rude like this and judge things he doesn't know anything about.

I've digressed. Basically, could you give advice on what to say next time he says negative and judgemental things about how I raise my kids? They're 7 and 3, so often listening and definitely influenced by their big cousin.

Tia

Don’t be such a wet lettuce!

When my nieces commented on my bigger house than theirs, I explained that prices varied by region.

Nothing wrong with him aspiring to do your husband’s job as he thinks it pays well - though depressing he assumes the money comes from him, not you.

If he says your kids are spoiled, tell him outright - no, they not, though they are luckier than many to have material things. Doesn’t matter if your kids are hearing either his or your comment.

I can’t work out from your OP what he’s saying that is actually critical of your parenting (rather than just being focused on money) but why can’t you just tell him - in the moment - that you don’t want his opinion? And then, speak to whichever parent is your sibling (and your husband to his sibling) and tell them to have a word.

I don’t understand why as a grown adult you don’t know how to tell him to button it?

"Come and talk to me when you have a 13 yr old and then we will talk..."

In what context is he saying this? Does he just come up to you and say, "by the way, your children are spoilt," or has one of the children said/done something and he's said, "that's a bit spoilt"? Big difference imo.

Mealy mouthed language doesn't work with most teens. When he does it just tell him in a straightforward way that its rude to comment on other peoples' parenting. Also that he makes himself sound silly as he has zero experience of the subject.

Then move on with whatever everyone is doing and don't engage in extended conversations.

Sorry but it really sounds like your nephews parents have been talking about you and your nephew is repeating things that he's heard.

Awkward and rude!!

He's likely a bit jealous of your kids having their mum around. Would it help just to explain house prices and to tell him kids need different treatment at different ages? That would cover your children overhearing. Some of the suggested replies here sound very cold.

Seems a bit unusual that he spending time hanging out with his dad, his aunt and two much younger cousins chatting about domestic issues at 13. Sounds attention seeking and maybe there are reasons for that. Could you find something more stimulating to do with him.

I don’t really understand how it’s influencing your kids in a bad way… if his criticism of your parenting is thar he says they’re spoilt, they’re hardly going to turn on you and say, “yeah mum, Kevin’s right, give us less!”

Curious as to what the actual criticism is!

I'd like some advice as to how to pull him up on it and let him know it's really judgemental and not ok or kind to say what he's saying.

Tell him exactly that. If he feels scolded, he feels scolded. And so he should.

Both of these scenarios are insulting - especially coming from a child with absolutely no comprehension of real life. It's not appropriate behaviour and OP would be well within her rights to put a 13yr old child in his place for being so rude.

why he thinks it's ok to be rude like this and judge things he doesn't know anything about.

He is 13. As a parent you know he isn’t mature enough to understand. Speak to his parents if it bothers you.

Your reluctance to appear as though you are scolding a child, who is being cheeky about you in your home, leads me to believe that there is every chance your DC might be a bit spoilt.

Do you see the irony here?

Spoiling a child is not just showering them with treats etc…it’s also allowing a lack of boundaries and lack of discipline.

Explain to your nephew that he is wrong and bad mannered and allow your DC to see and hear this too if they’ve heard what he has had to say. If he persists, decide on a consequence based on what he does while at yours (tv off etc) and follow through.

I agree he's been listening to his elders slagging you off. I don't even know why you are entertaining this brat. He should be winging his way back to his parents on the end of your boot!!

"although we're in a semi regional area so it's actually no more expensive than their place in the city."

Do you mean semi-rural?

Some great advice here, thanks all.

I've been hesitant to scold him as he's had a hard time with his parents divorce over the last few years and I feel bad for him.

I looked after him a lot when he was younger and definitely took an adult role then. He comes and stays with us a few times a year and we get together once a month or so, so I guess that's pretty often.

He usually says this stuff after being with us for a few hours, as if he's feeding back to me his wisdom and insight which is pretty cringey.

All the more reason for you to teach him some boundaries. He is going to be insufferable and will start getting into serious trouble at school if he thinks he can speak to adults like this. You don't have to shout but a firm 'Kevin, that's really rude' is necessary.

I'm not saying that it's an appropriate thing to say at all, but I just think it would be more understandable if, say... I don't know, OP's kid had laughed at his trainers for not being Nikes, for instance. Then I think it would be more in the vein of 'kids' squabble' than 'insulting my parenting.'

No, it's a seaside town about an hour from the city he lives in. We aren't in the UK, and this is how it is described.

My 15 yo has a tendency to tell me how to do things (40 years of cooking vs him watching how to make a cake on you tube) and it drives me potty. He gets a mixture of “You are being incredibly rude.” And “Right, over to you sunshine…”. I’m hoping he grows out of it.

“He usually says this stuff after being with us for a few hours, as if he's feeding back to me his wisdom and insight which is pretty cringey.“

But what stuff?

"I didn't ask for your opinion" and move on, if he persists I just wouldn't have him round so often. If the consequences of his rudeness are that people don't want to spend time with him maybe the penny will drop.

Saying someone’s kids are spoiled is an adult thing, kids don’t think that way so an adult has been saying it to him and he’s repeating it on the house why didn’t you just say it cost the same as yours it’s just I live in a cheaper area? Why are you letting him think you’re loaded, you clearly know he’s jealous and has had a hard time with his parents divorce so why didn’t you just kindly explain there was nothing to be jealous of instead of letting him continue to think it?

I do see the irony. I don't let my own kids get away with being rude, but I probably give dn more leniency because of his situation and not actually being his parent.

Clearly that's backfiring.

Someone else mentioned above that it's sad he sees our income as only relating to my dh - yes I agree! I've talked to him about my work but his dm is very vocal about a woman's role in the household (don't get me started on that), so I think there's a lot of engrained misogyny in his outlook. Possibly one cause of his cockiness..

Isn't this just normal teenage know-it-all behaviour and surely as others have said, the response is some version of, "yeah yeah, I tell you what - let's talk again when you have DC".

As for the comments re income/house etc, again, surely that's just a conversation that's had casually so he comments on size of house and how rich you are and you respond with, "hahaha, I wish. But it is true that living here is a lot cheaper than the city and so we really do enjoy the benefits of that. I miss being able to pop to see a show though or having all the best shops. There are pros and cons to everything".

Or "Yes, DH has a great job and if you're interested in doing that, I'm sure he'd be happy to talk about it. To be honest, living here is a lot cheaper which is why we can have this great house on his salary, but we're really happy and it works for us."

And repeat/adapt as necessary.

“Someone else mentioned above that it's sad he sees our income as only relating to my dh - yes I agree! I've talked to him about my work but his dm is very vocal about a woman's role in the household (don't get me started on that), so I think there's a lot of engrained misogyny in his outlook. Possibly one cause of his cockiness..”

And that’s the second time you’ve blamed his mum over his dad on this thread, despite actually witnessing dad’s ineffectual “oh Kevin” parenting.

So the irony meter is going again.

Cocky little shite. Your poor kids, being insulted in their own home like this. I'd be telling him that he is being very rude and won't be welcome back if it continues.