To ask how to handle my judgemental nephew?

[RainbowSlide]

My 13 yo nephew often comments on my parenting and it's starting to piss me off, as he does it in earshot of my kids. He's quite a young 13, and kind of oblivious to other people's feelings, so I'd like some advice as to how to pull him up on it and let him know it's really judgemental and not ok or kind to say what he's saying. But I don't want to do it in a way that he feels he's been scolded. I guess I'm worried I'll damage our relationship. Or that I'll just be defensive and clearly take it personally (which I do).

For example, he'll often tell me my kids are spoilt, right in front of them. I don't think they are, but we live in a bigger house than they do (he is really aware of money and affluence somehow), although we're in a semi regional area so it's actually no more expensive than their place in the city. He just doesn't realise it, and thinks we have loads of money. We don't, but he's mentioned a few times that he wants to do the job my dh does bc it pays well (in his mind). I try and brush it off each time but he has it in his mind that our kids are spoilt and I let them get away with a lot. I don't know why it's getting to me so much, but I'd like to put a stop to it - why he thinks it's ok to be rude like this and judge things he doesn't know anything about.

I've digressed. Basically, could you give advice on what to say next time he says negative and judgemental things about how I raise my kids? They're 7 and 3, so often listening and definitely influenced by their big cousin.

Tia

The part about his mum talking about a woman's role in the household, I think you have to be careful how you talk about this with him. If his parents are getting divorced, what is his mum's situation now? Is she struggling financially because she didn't work? Or did she take her ex-husband for "everything he has" because she feels entitled as a woman to do that? I think that trying to modify your nephew's views on women's roles, by what you say to him, could be problematic considering how personal it is for him because of his parents divorcing, and what you say could be interpreted different than how you mean and make things worse. Since he's 13, I think he's entitled for his emotional and physical security to come before your feminism. So here you might go with something bland, neutral, and nonthreatening to either of his parents.

No need to scold in particular. He is learning about the world, and has some misperceptions - you can just correct him, and give him information that he might not have. 'Kevin, what makes you think we have more money? What makes you think my husband earns well? Actually, our house costs ££, yours costs ££. My job pays ££, DH pays ££. Also, the tone you are taking is quite provocative, that can wind people up and make them dislike you. It's probably a good idea to check the tone of your voice. Oh, you are doing it on purpose? Is there something you are cross with me about? You could raise that directly. Perhaps you shouldn't come here if you can't be polite to me in my own home.' Teach him some good boundaries!

Its sad to read how many people just want to take it out on him. He is a child and need to learn what is acceptable and what isnt. Modelling such snappy humiliating behaviour is barely helful.

He’s 100% copying what he’s heard at home, be that from your brother or from his ex… I expect it’s more likely to be the latter than the former.
‘Thats actually a very rude thing to say, DNephew, don’t say that again please’ is all it probably needs. 13 yo kids are terrors parroting adults without really understanding social nuances and so they do come across rude quite often ime.

Yes, he’s just a kid. None of the examples of things he said would offend me coming from a young teen. Please don’t start practicing scathing one liners, going down that route is an overreaction. Your brothers reaction seems appropriate. I don’t give my child long life lessons when visiting family - in the moment, “no mate” and an eye roll sounds about right, and speak again about it privately later if necessary. It avoids further awkwardness.

”That’s not polite mate” is more than enough. It’s not that serious, you dont need to be that sensitive when it comes to young teenagers trying to learn about the world. You’re talking about him as though he’s an adult who should know better.

My nephew was similar although luckily he's grown out of it! I used to say 'Goodness that's rude DN - wherever did you hear things like that' with hard stare at MIL and SIL who were the ones talking g about how 'rich' and 'wealthy' we were.

You say the same thing I say to my 3 year old when she's being rude. "It's rude to X," in an unemotional way. How can we expect teenagers to behave if we don't tell them what's rude? It's really important that non-parents do it too because different things are rude at home and out in the world.

My DN was like this at that age, totally infuriating. I used to ask him how many children he's raised but generally ignored him when he started - 13 year olds think they are grown up and know everything.

He needs telling off. Don't pussyfoot around him.

How about ...'shut up you little shit'?

" When you're an adult, and have a house and a family of your own,then you can comment on mine. Until then, keep your opinions to yourself "

Be the adult. Have a discussion about judging.
"Some people would consider you spoilt DN, but it's best to not judge others, it's considered quite rude"

I think this is a case of 13-itis One of my nephews was like this at that age. He once tried to explain to me, a secondary school teacher, how parents evenings worked. Apparently my assumptions were wrong Gentle smile and a "let's agree to disagree, shall we?" Worked for me. No need to let it get under your skin.

”I am sure that an intelligent lad like yourself knows that it’s impolite to comment on someone else’s earnings. And you know, unless you can say something nice about someone’s house, it’s best not to comment!”

I would ignore the word "spoiled" and educate him on the facts.

If he says they are spoiled because your home is bigger say yes we are very lucky to have more space here, but the downside is the longer daily commute/less nearby to do than living in a city where houses can be smaller. It is all choices and compromises.

If he wants to do your dhs job, just talk about what interests him about the job and say while earning a good wage is nice, people only succeed if it is something they enjoy, are good at and put the hard work into getting there (and a bit of luck thrown in too)

He is only 13, probably jealous of what he hasnt got and not appreciating what he has, it is up to the adults to educate him.

This. Why on earth should it be a problem if he is scolded? How are children supposed to learn appropriate behaviours if the adults around them are too scared to correct them. It is ridiculous.

Maybe try "if you think about it Kevin, that's quite a negative and damaging thing to say when your little cousins might hear..." then some of the other clever things already suggested to close it down.

This is an excellent post. Teaching critical thinking and self reflection is hugely important for building well-rounded adult humans. There is unfortunately a reluctance to engage with these things with teenagers, probably because many of our parents were lacking the skills to engage with us about them.

His brain is a sponge right now. Much better to fill it with interesting thoughts and questions and an awareness of the complexities of life than to simply parrot bareboned rules to him that shut those other aspects down.

Most thirteen year old boys I know are not very open to long conversations about feelings. They switch off half way through. Best keep it short, friendly but to the point imho.

And I would want to get the point across that he has been very impolite.

"You are a bright lad so you can work out why a house in the country might cost the same as a smaller house in the city. And for the record, are you aware that it is impolite to comment on other people's parenting and income".

Or when he says it, you could stop what you are doing, look him straight in the eye and say calmly but very clearly "what makes you say that?" And then be silent ... . Get him to justify his opinions and when he can't say "can you work out why someone might be upset by being told that?"

I'm guessing he's "quoting" them anyway.

Personally I'd be saying "let's have this conversation when you've got kids of your own".

Most thirteen year old boys I know are not very open to long conversations about feelings

Possibly because they haven’t been exposed to conversations like that - we’re generally not very adept at it! I agree keeping it short and pace it at whatever the child can handle is important - it will vary from child to child as it depends how familiar they are with talking about feelings and boundaries etc. Important to be responsive to signs like averted eye contact and crossed arms etc which might show that they’re overwhelmed by the conversation and needing more care than intervention. But I think it’s so important to start these discussions at whatever age and at whatever level they can cope with.