To ask how to handle my judgemental nephew?

[RainbowSlide]

My 13 yo nephew often comments on my parenting and it's starting to piss me off, as he does it in earshot of my kids. He's quite a young 13, and kind of oblivious to other people's feelings, so I'd like some advice as to how to pull him up on it and let him know it's really judgemental and not ok or kind to say what he's saying. But I don't want to do it in a way that he feels he's been scolded. I guess I'm worried I'll damage our relationship. Or that I'll just be defensive and clearly take it personally (which I do).

For example, he'll often tell me my kids are spoilt, right in front of them. I don't think they are, but we live in a bigger house than they do (he is really aware of money and affluence somehow), although we're in a semi regional area so it's actually no more expensive than their place in the city. He just doesn't realise it, and thinks we have loads of money. We don't, but he's mentioned a few times that he wants to do the job my dh does bc it pays well (in his mind). I try and brush it off each time but he has it in his mind that our kids are spoilt and I let them get away with a lot. I don't know why it's getting to me so much, but I'd like to put a stop to it - why he thinks it's ok to be rude like this and judge things he doesn't know anything about.

I've digressed. Basically, could you give advice on what to say next time he says negative and judgemental things about how I raise my kids? They're 7 and 3, so often listening and definitely influenced by their big cousin.

Tia

I don’t know why you’re afraid of scolding him. You say it’s because you don’t want to damage the relationship between you but it won’t. Him being rude and judgemental is surely damaging it and telling him politely but firmly to cut it out shouldn’t do that. If it does, that’s on him and not you.

As for where he gets his ideas from including that your children are “spoilt” he’s heard other people (his parents most likely) discussing this and is repeating what he’s heard.

Laugh and say "Harsh!" He'll get the message

Agree also with posters saying stop blaming his mum. Shemight well be part of the problem but clearly his dad is too and importantly, probably so is school and social media etc.

I think that challenging these things on a consistent and ongoing basis might not necessarily have a direct and immediate impact but hopefully have a cumulative effect over time. So you have to keep pointing out that his views are incorrect, correcting him or even opening the conversation up a discussion, "ok kevin, why do you thin we're so rich? And if we are, why is that a problem".

Don't laugh. It's not funny. He needs a serious message.

“Thank you that’s enough, that’s talk for grown ups in this house”

“no more of that thank you, it’s very rude”

I feel a bit sorry for him tbh. He's still very young at 13 and has probably overheard adults at home talking about your family and thinks it's OK to repeat it to your face. I'd definitely start with the parents and make it clear you'll be shaming him in future if they don't discourage him. He's probably feeling jealous of your family life and maybe he needs a bit of love rather than a scolding.

"That's enough now Kevin," repeat ad nauseam. Or: "Rudeness from a 13 year old in this house is not tolerated."

I'd scold the arse off him for speaking about me, my home and my kids like that.

I would talk to your brother about it. 13 year olds are odd creatures.

Or if you want a bit of drama you could talk to your nephew and say, ‘Assuming that you are allowed an opinion on how your cousins are raised is actually a sign of how spoiled you are yourself. It is loathsome and a sign of how immature you are’. Maybe don’t.

His mother sounds like a plank.

Ask him why he said that?

Ask him why he thinks it’s ok to say that?

Address the misunderstanding
Ask him to stop saying things like that.

Pull him up every single time!

Re comments on houses/money, rather than either of his parents talking about you, I wonder if his dad is making comments about his mum and he is repeating it to you because he feels comfortable in your environment, it's a safe space to act out the thought, so to speak.
It's fine to respond, nothing wrong with scolding in a constructive way. You don't need to say anything mean in response or deliberately make him feel embarrassed, but "it's rude to criticise someone's parenting" or "you are not old enough to understand that" is fine.

You're putting too much weight on a teen's throwaway comments. If it really bothers you then speak to their parent about it. If it's not important enough to bring up with your sibling then it's not important enough to worry about.

I know posters have said he will have overheard it from adults but that's not always true. If your parenting is impacting him or he's seeing it as breaking rules he's been given, then he might comment. I know our DC commented when they saw what they felt was unfair treatment by their aunt and uncle. Because their aunt and uncle's actions were so contrary to what we had taught DC. Obviously we told DC never to comment again because it was rude (but yy they were right that if they had acted the same way as their aunt and uncle we'd have given them into lots of trouble).

Why do you need advice from strangers on this?
He is being rude so you tell him direct not to be rude. Don't pussyfoot around him.

I don't want to do it in a way that he feels he's been scolded

To be honest, this sounds exactly what is required. If we don't teach 13 year olds not to be so damned rude to their elders we might just as well give up.

Excuse me nephew, it is inappropriate for you to comment on the way we parent our children. It's really nothing to do with you so please don't mention it any more.
I've said before, I'm not interested in your criticism of our parenting.
If he comments on your DH's career, that's a chance to open up a positive conversation about what he likes about it, the training that is needed, the earning potential and so on. It's not necessarily a bad thing to be interested in a job because of the money. And it's a good chance to start the discussion around how work load and parenting is equally shared in a fair household.

My DN7 is incredibly critical of my house work. Last time she stayed she took it upon herself to inspect whether I had recently hoovered under the couch and whether I had cleared the crumbs from under the toaster. I know this doesn't just come from her which is more the hurtful side but in the end she's 7 and she doesn't get to share her opinion on my home. I shut it down the same way I would shut down my own children for being rude about someone else. I am quite strict with my children and do expect them to have some consideration for other people's feelings before they open their mouth so while anyone else's child is under my care I expect the same. Its not worth it to go tit for tat and say mention that her family has a cleaner who does all that cleaning for them, I just say 'thank you jemima for that observation but we have had quite enough of the inspections and comments for now'.

Why should he feel scolded? He very likely doesnt know its rude as I am sure its what he hears from his parents.

I don’t see why you even have to scold him, he’s learning about the world and commenting on it. You could help him out by explaining house price differences and also explain that the kids aren’t spoilt because of xyz, or ask him to explain his reasoning and work through it with him? Model good behaviour yourself. When I was a kid I commented that my grandmothers house was dusty and was about to say I wanted to help her out by doing some dusting and I got a right bollocking before I could finish my sentence for being rude and about her eyesight etc - it was horrible and made me feel like shit as I hadn’t meant to hurt her, I had wanted to help her. Maybe I was technically “rude” and you wouldn’t want an adult saying that, but he’s 13 and probably not trying to be a prick on purpose!

I don't really get why people don't just just speak openly with kids, especially teenagers.

If I'm reading right, he's jealous of his cousins following his parent's divorce and being a know it all with you.

I would talk to him next time the money/house comments come up like "Kev, you know our house costs the same as yours right?! Here's why..." etc

As for the parenting comments I'd nip that in the bud sharpish. "Kev mate, you can't keep trying to tell me how to be an adult in my own house, I won't have it"
"No more of that thank you" etc

You can't just let it go unaddressed, if noone pulls rank on him he's going to be intolerable.

I told my - very financially astute and successful - father off for cutting down his hours and spending too much on his hobby when I was about 13, because he said no to something or other. He had cut down because he was left a widower and was bringing me up alone.

His response was far kinder than mine would have been! Honestly, many 13 year olds do not have a clue about life.

I’d just tell the cheeky little bugger firmly that such remarks are extremely bad manners and you do not want to hear any more of them. You could also say he’s being grossly impertinent, which might just shut him up anyway if he doesn’t know what it means.

It does sometimes astonish me how people put up with rude/cheeky/ impertinent behaviour from kids.

You are doing your nephew absolutely no favours by being such a doormat. He needs to be told clearly and firmly that he needs to keep his rude comments to himself. Yes, he does need to be scolded.

Why shouldn't he be scolded?

What do you think he is learning by getting away with being so rude?

You think the rest of the world will prioritise his feelings when he's being an arse?

Tell him that he is being rude, it's not acceptable and you don't want to hear it.

Tbh it makes me wonder what he's hearing about you at home.

I'd just say That's really rude, Kevin. Parents do the parenting and unless I'm beating them black and blue, you don't have a say in how I do it. Please stop calling them spoilt. They aren't spoilt and they're displaying somewhat better manners than you are right now.

"Kev mate, you can't keep trying to tell me how to be an adult in my own house, I won't have it"

I like that.