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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP wants me to sign over 50% of the business or he's out.

176 replies

TrickyThings · 07/10/2022 06:45

Quick backstory:

I moved to the EU to work as an au pair aged 27. I met DP and we pursued a relationship- he was 40 at the time.

Flashforward 1 Yr, we are living in his rental house in derelict part of the countryside. I'm pregnant.
We move during the pregnancy ( I wanted to be in the city , near opportunity). His friend offers cheap flat in very rough estate, I agree. I'm desperate to move.

Hes admittedly 'not worked for 20yrs'. Always relying on state and black money through projects and gigs. I was sick of being broke, so i set up an online business 18months ago.

This is the first full year of the business and it is set to turnover 200k. Now DP wants 50-50 partnership in it (changes status next year to limited company). I have my reservations because:

-we have a volatile relationship
-he has a drug problem
-he has unresolved past bank issues/ fines
-he does black money / illegal parties
-if he doesn't 'feel like' working he won't, (but he has got better)
-we had very traumatic couple years when DS was baby as he would disappear and party with his (20 years younger) mates and be wrecked all weekend.
-he never wanted me to legitimise the business in the first place, he wanted to stay on benefits and I said I didn't want this.

Granted, he's given good pointers to the business and now helps a lot because it makes money. That said the other issues still exist re drugs (disappearing / lying) and still, undeclared income.

Also,

-We aren't married. I bought the house we live in outright earlier this year.
-Every single bill is on my name.

He does
-almost 50 50 childcare
-all the practical house stuff including renovation works since we moved in earlier this year.
-most of paperwork because it's more convient (re language).

I come from a large family with plenty of support emotionally and financially. He comes from the complete opposite thus has nobody to talk to. This also means something regarding the epic power struggle between us.

DS is now 4 and in school. I work full time very hard, DP works when necessary but does other stuff and also has his own side project which is his passion and priority in life.

DP had a relapse this weekend and has been sick and useless all week because of it.

Yeaterday, after advice from a relative, I proposed he become a (well) paid employee he went ballistic. I mean ballistic. AIBU that I don't trust signing over half my business when I don't fully trust him? Very complex , any advice warmly welcomed!!

(For the record i have nothing against state benefits, I just did not want to raise my child on them. )

OP posts:
Worthyornot · 07/10/2022 10:22

You made one bad choice having a baby with him, don't make another by giving him your successful business. That would be doing something stupid twice. I can't believe you are asking.

WhatLikeItsHard · 07/10/2022 10:24

You lost me at he has a drug problem, hasn't worked for 20 years, and used to go off partying leaving you with the baby. LTB.

It sounds like you are in a very good financial position. Congratulations on setting up your own business and being successful. And it's great that you have family support.

Time to get your ducks in a row and formulate an exit strategy. And get counselling to figure out why you have tolerated his dreadful behaviour so far. I'm not saying that as a put down, I have had counselling and it was very useful. It might be also beneficial for you and stop you from repeating the same relationship pattern in the future.

dontgosummer · 07/10/2022 10:26

Yucca78 · 07/10/2022 08:16

18 months ago you were broke.you now have a business with t/ o of 200k and own a house outright..all the while with a young child and druggie of a dp.

Bollocks.

💯

LunaMuffinTop · 07/10/2022 10:28

For the sake of yourself, your Ds and the new baby please please show the waste of skin the door before he tries to take anymore off you. He’s not bringing anything to your life apart from misery why would you want your son growing up thinking that’s how you treat women because daddy does it to mummy.

BMW6 · 07/10/2022 10:42

I voted YABU. You should definitely give him half of your lucrative business so the poor bloke can feed his drug habit without having to go to a job.

What's more I think you ought to have at least one more child as its not fair that your 4 year old has no siblings to share this wonderful home with.

TheGoodFighter · 07/10/2022 10:50

Reigateforever · 07/10/2022 08:19

PS Also in the EU, if you employ someone it is more difficult to have them leave, even if there is no work, without a large payout which could wreck your business.

Er what? Where do you imagine that happens? The EU is 27 countries, all with different employment rules....

OP, don't be a twat. You can't possibly be considering this.

KettrickenSmiled · 07/10/2022 11:21

-We aren't married. I bought the house we live in outright earlier this year.
-Every single bill is on my name.
FGS keep it this way. Do not change A THING about how your finances are currently set up/

He does
-almost 50 50 childcare
-all the practical house stuff including renovation works since we moved in earlier this year.
-most of paperwork because it's more convient (re language).
You can hire a chikdminder or nanny, you can hire builders, you can hire a temp PA/translator.

Your partner is a user & a flake, & it's almost unbelieveable that he's emotionally blackmailing you to hand over half your livlihood. You know he'll flake out & wreck it all, don't you?

You DO NOT NEED THIS MAN.He has lived off you for years, of the black economy for decades, & he is now treating you as a cash cow. DO NOT GIVE IN TO HIM. In fact I hope you dump him. He sounds bloody awful. Like a romance novel villain - don't give the waster a penny.

SleeplessInEngland · 07/10/2022 11:30

He sounds bloody awful. Like a romance novel villain

Yes. You might say almost unbelievable.

SuperCamp · 07/10/2022 11:56

OP, whatever you do about your relationship you need to now keep your business activity very professional. Especially as a Ltd Co. Having a flakey partner ‘help out’ is not a sound basis for a high turnover business. You need professionals with the appropriate protocols and professional indemnity cover. One translation mistake, due to inexperience in the business sector or compliance, for example, could cost you thousands. Or a valuable client / customer.

Keep your computer securely passworded and your business affairs confidential. You owe that to your clients / customers anyway!

If you are moving to Ltd Co status you can’t possibly have him listed as a director. Debt, his preferred dodgy dealings etc.

extrasushiplease · 07/10/2022 12:09

He hasn’t put the work in to prove he’d be a reliable business partner. Would you go into a business partnership with him, knowing what you do about his character and how he deals with his finances, if you weren’t in a relationship?

You’ve done an amazing job creating stability for you and your children, and at such a young age. You should be enjoying well-earned pride in your business while being emotionally supported by your DP. Instead, it sounds like he’s leaning on very unhealthy things he’s learned over the years to possibly get himself money he did NOT earn (not even by believing you could do it) so he can use it for his interests and/or to keep you with him without him having to improve himself at all to be worthy of you.

This is not someone I would give one percent of my business to, and I’d be very hurt by this selfish, uneducated, ultimatum. He knows he’s a bad investment on paper and would never get to be part of a successful growing business without coercing you with your shared life. You’re incredibly smart, so I know you see that.

If he’d truly upend all of your lives for this childish demand, that shows he’s not a true friend (which all romantic partners should be), doesn’t have much in the way of good examples of how to behave to your child, and is just not giving you the emotional support and security you need, so why should that be rewarded? You’re not being unreasonable. Emotions have so much power to make us weak and uncertain, I think your DP knows this, and that’s why we need to keep emotional manipulation out of our business decisions.

You have very important futures to protect by making wise decisions now. Don’t throw away your hard work on someone who thinks bullying and acting like he’s half his age earns him the right to make demands on someone else’s accomplishments. Wishing you the absolute best of luck.

OhIdoLike2bBesideTheSeaside · 07/10/2022 13:51

Why on earth did you allow yourself to get pregnant with this druggie once let alone twice???

Leave him, and protect your kids

Honestly I feel for you but sometimes you have to want to help yourself a bit!!!!

justasking111 · 07/10/2022 13:57

One post seven pages = journalist 🤣🤣

RampantIvy · 07/10/2022 13:59

Are you going to come back to this thread @TrickyThings?

ReneBumsWombats · 07/10/2022 14:01

OP, what do you think anyone would say on reading this?

SuperCamp · 07/10/2022 15:12

Some wild speculation on this thread’.

The OP has not said that she is pregnant, it is the way she wrote the account of how they got to where they are.

The OP has not said that his drug use is heroin or that he is a ‘junkie’

RampantIvy · 07/10/2022 16:45

-he has a drug problem
-if he doesn't 'feel like' working he won't
DP had a relapse this weekend and has been sick and useless all week because of it.

The OP's partner clearly does have a drug problem though @SuperCamp. All the above points were in her post.

daisychain01 · 07/10/2022 16:48

Changechangychange · 07/10/2022 07:41

She said turnover not profit… entirely possible she is still making a loss (which isn’t a problem in the first year or two of business)

Show quote history

Yes thanks for explaining I know the difference between turn over and profit. That's why I said turns over.

My point still stands- the chances of someone in the OPs situation running a business turning over that volume is absolutely nada

BirdinaHedge · 07/10/2022 17:02

AIBU that I don't trust signing over half my business when I don't fully trust him?

YANBU times a million.

If he wants to leave, open the door for him. And thank your lucky stars you aren’t married.

Or better still, get some proper qualified legal advice for the country in which you are living.

GabriellaMontez · 07/10/2022 17:32

I'd take him up on his offer to leave. Effective immediately.

dontgosummer · 07/10/2022 19:13

Interesting how OP has not returned

Reported but hopefully useful to anyone finding themselves in need of advice or support

Cw112 · 07/10/2022 19:22

AwkwardSquad · 07/10/2022 06:52

Good Lord, no. Protect yourself, your child and your finances, above all else. He’s a liability. I’d start moving the responsibility for the paperwork away from him too.

This here all day long. Absolutely do not sign anything over to him he's shown that he's not in a place where he can be trusted to step up and there's red flags everywhere. At this point I'd be making steps to leave him. You sound like you have the means to so get yourself an exit plan in place.

RampantIvy · 07/10/2022 19:47

Maybe the OP has taken umbrage at the comments about her low standards when it comes to her choice of sperm donor partner.

Changechangychange · 07/10/2022 20:51

daisychain01 · 07/10/2022 16:48

Yes thanks for explaining I know the difference between turn over and profit. That's why I said turns over.

My point still stands- the chances of someone in the OPs situation running a business turning over that volume is absolutely nada

Show quote history

I assumed given it was online it was probably something like dropshipping - high turnover, tiny profit margins.

phishy · 07/10/2022 21:17

Tell him
to jog
on

LimeTwists · 07/10/2022 21:45

Your business and the money you are generating give you the means to walk away from him when you need it. You wouldn’t just be signing over half your business: you’d be signing away your independence and letting a lazy, threatening man have access to half of everything in the process. No chance - tell him to jog on then. How dare he give you threats and ultimatums.