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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP wants me to sign over 50% of the business or he's out.

176 replies

TrickyThings · 07/10/2022 06:45

Quick backstory:

I moved to the EU to work as an au pair aged 27. I met DP and we pursued a relationship- he was 40 at the time.

Flashforward 1 Yr, we are living in his rental house in derelict part of the countryside. I'm pregnant.
We move during the pregnancy ( I wanted to be in the city , near opportunity). His friend offers cheap flat in very rough estate, I agree. I'm desperate to move.

Hes admittedly 'not worked for 20yrs'. Always relying on state and black money through projects and gigs. I was sick of being broke, so i set up an online business 18months ago.

This is the first full year of the business and it is set to turnover 200k. Now DP wants 50-50 partnership in it (changes status next year to limited company). I have my reservations because:

-we have a volatile relationship
-he has a drug problem
-he has unresolved past bank issues/ fines
-he does black money / illegal parties
-if he doesn't 'feel like' working he won't, (but he has got better)
-we had very traumatic couple years when DS was baby as he would disappear and party with his (20 years younger) mates and be wrecked all weekend.
-he never wanted me to legitimise the business in the first place, he wanted to stay on benefits and I said I didn't want this.

Granted, he's given good pointers to the business and now helps a lot because it makes money. That said the other issues still exist re drugs (disappearing / lying) and still, undeclared income.

Also,

-We aren't married. I bought the house we live in outright earlier this year.
-Every single bill is on my name.

He does
-almost 50 50 childcare
-all the practical house stuff including renovation works since we moved in earlier this year.
-most of paperwork because it's more convient (re language).

I come from a large family with plenty of support emotionally and financially. He comes from the complete opposite thus has nobody to talk to. This also means something regarding the epic power struggle between us.

DS is now 4 and in school. I work full time very hard, DP works when necessary but does other stuff and also has his own side project which is his passion and priority in life.

DP had a relapse this weekend and has been sick and useless all week because of it.

Yeaterday, after advice from a relative, I proposed he become a (well) paid employee he went ballistic. I mean ballistic. AIBU that I don't trust signing over half my business when I don't fully trust him? Very complex , any advice warmly welcomed!!

(For the record i have nothing against state benefits, I just did not want to raise my child on them. )

OP posts:
ApolloandDaphne · 07/10/2022 07:08

SquishyGloopyBum · 07/10/2022 06:50

Your pregnant again to this druggie? Why?

Put your children first and leave.

I don't think OP is pregnancy again.

I echo the other posters and think it is time for you to ditch him. He doesn't seem to bring much to your life apart from childcare which it would seem you can afford to pay for.

namechangeforthis66 · 07/10/2022 07:08

Jeez why are you bringing your ex up around this chaotic, drug using irresponsible man! No of course you don't sign anything over to him at all not make him an employee - as you can see from his initial reaction that will cause major problems!

Splutteramo · 07/10/2022 07:09

Tell him not to let the door hit him on the way out… get yourself an au pair or child care sorted…
that man is a poor role model and a danger to the financial safety of your family.

Cosycover · 07/10/2022 07:09

He will absolutely drag you down.
I never say this, but leave him.

SuperCamp · 07/10/2022 07:12

It’s very good you have not married. Don’t.

Equally, why would you give away half your business to someone?

Fair enough that he helps you out, including renovating the house. From his pov he may feel he is a contributing where he has no stake.

But presumably he also lives rent free.

I can’t help imagining a post from a woman: “I do all the household and childcare…have a low paid cash job…I do loads of admin for DP company, he couldn’t manage without me as doesn’t speak the language, house is in his name..” and there would be outrage at the lack of security. But many would say “get your own job, put the kids in childcare and both pay “.

The drug issue complicates everything.

Talk about everything, and how you operate as a team. He has his business, you have yours. Don’t criticise his, but say you need to keep affairs very separate in case he does get done for tax evasion. And be honest: you are keeping your security because he is still unreliable wrt drug use. It’s your insurance. But you are happy for your income to be ‘family income’.

TheVanguardSix · 07/10/2022 07:13

You lie down with dogs, OP.
You get up with fleas.
You chose ‘hot mess’.
And a junkie for a parent? Nice. Twice over. You’re smart enough to start and profit from your own business. Now be smart enough to leave this waste of space.

HTH1 · 07/10/2022 07:14

As PPs said, this would literally be insane! Run, run like the wind from this relationship (and keep your house and business for you and DS only).

ThirtyThreeTrees · 07/10/2022 07:15

This has to be troll. Nobody is this stupid.

Quartz2208 · 07/10/2022 07:15

Put your son first and get him out

theDudesmummy · 07/10/2022 07:17

You can pay people for childcare, paperwork, house renovation etc, you don't need him for those things. What else does he bring to the table? Do you love him? Is his emotional support and general contribution to your life and that of your son (when he is not having a drug relapse or disappeared) worth it for you?

FindingMyself1999 · 07/10/2022 07:17

What a sad sorry state of affairs!!!! Why are you with him OP? You’ve built up an amazing business and now he just wants it? He has so many demons and your poor child having to witness all this.

I would be planning on how you’ll leave him. You’re not married.

I’m concerned that he’s a real danger to you and your son.

MegaClutterSlut · 07/10/2022 07:17

Show him the door then...You would be absolutely insane to give him half!

Autumflower · 07/10/2022 07:18

Wave him off
he will drag you down
he will take money from your business and squander it ,given a chance
put your kids first ,and get rid of this looser

BluesDad · 07/10/2022 07:19

The man is unemployed and unemployable. I would never employ a junkie I have no time for them whatsoever. Secondly is that man and here I use the term very loosely the kind of male role model you want for your children. Once a child is seven their character is made so the formative years up until then are hugely important.
If you run an online business then you can pretty much run it from anywhere so move out of that grotty flat he moved you to in order to get easier access to drugs and return to the bosom of your family. If he wants access to the children he cleans his act up. I’m saying that as a Dad.
You seriously sound like a fantastic person I’d be proud to have a partner like you but if you give him any control over your business all of your profits will go to feed his filthy habits. He’ll rinse the lot leaving you with only the pants you’re sitting in if you’re lucky.
Wake up girl !

ChampagneCamping · 07/10/2022 07:19

its simpler to employ him, don’t put your childrens financial security at steak

JustAJokeLikeOnTopGear · 07/10/2022 07:21

I generally think the advice on here is often harsh and people are imperfect but in this case - absolutely no bloody way.

londonrach · 07/10/2022 07:21

No never ever eve Mr give your business over to him and reconsider why you with him. Don't ever marry him!

MzHz · 07/10/2022 07:21

When a dick head bloke like this makes an ultimatum like that…

take him up on it. This is your chance to get free of this workshy addict.

you’re not broke and trapped, you have power, resources and support. You will never look back

XmasElf10 · 07/10/2022 07:23

No, just no. 100% no.

Tubs11 · 07/10/2022 07:23

Not only would I not be giving him 50% of the business I would be walking away from the toxic set up for the sake of my child

Everydaywheniwakeup · 07/10/2022 07:23

What the fuck have you been thinking for the past 5 years? And why on earth stay in it?
Get out, ger your son out and get your shit together.

youlightupmyday · 07/10/2022 07:24

If you employ him, what are the labour laws where you live? He could be difficult to sack him?

Softplayhooray · 07/10/2022 07:24

Oh FGS OP, just leave him, he's a lazy drug addict with no respect for you, is after your money and is a really shit parent. Sell the house. Pack up and say you're going on holiday, leave and don't come back. Don't put your child through living like this. Start a great new life somewhere else. You have money in the bank and a supportive family and everything going for you. This is a sliding doors moment as it either goes way uphill or way downhill from here depending on whether you decide to stay or go.

Redqueenheart · 07/10/2022 07:24

What you need to do is get rid of this leech...

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 07/10/2022 07:24

Say no and let him walk away. There’s no way he’ll be leaving you, his meal ticket, this is an empty threat. He sounds dreadful though.